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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » To commit, or to not commit

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Author Topic: To commit, or to not commit
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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I've been thinking about this issue alot lately. My mom absolutely insists that I shouldn't be at all committed to my boyfriend right now. That because I've never really dated anyone else (aside from that one other guy last summer), I don't really know what I want, and therefore I need to date around. Now for me, I rather see this as being a problem. I'm not exactly the most noticable and outgoing person in the world...and I never really dated simply because nobody was interested.

So, the question then it possible that this is that one relationship that's going to work, so why worry about seeing other people? Or does one need to date alot of people in order to know what's really the right one? Do I give up what I have in favor of something that might or might not exist?

I'm 20 here, and I feel like I've passed that point where I can (or want to) just have random relationships just because I know you can and I know that they're all most likely going to fail. I don't even know that I can carry on random relationships. I'm all for dating just to get to know people and make friends...but at this point, is it more important to date around, or is it more important to be someplace that I feel comfortable? And does that mean that I'm settling for something less than what I should? Ick...ok, so I know these are questions I have to answer on my own, but I just wondered if anybody else had felt pressured to either date around, or settle? And if so, how did you deal with it?


"What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled..."
~Charles Dickens

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 04-17-2001).]

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3349

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Hey. I'm a lot younger than you (I'm 14) but I've had enough experience in all sorts of dating situations to give you a minimal amount of advice. What I think is that if you really like this guy, go for the steady relationship. I've tried "just dating", and it doesn't do much to get to know the person any better, it's basically only a good thing when you have other people to date. And if you have no other prospects in mind, why bother? I completely understand your pressure to choose in this situation--because most guys my age are pretty immature about relationships, they're basically incapable of grasping the concept that you can just DATE somebody without GOING OUT (like, steady relationship vs. casual dating). What I like to do is start out just dating, and then see what happens, but it always leads to us in a steady relationship because they don't understand it being any other way. It's hard, especially when I feel like I don't want to have a boyfriend but they want nothing more than for me to be in that position with them. I think that in your case it's good that you have more control over the situation, but because it will only make things more complicated and you'll end up serious even if you dont' directly say that you are, you might as well just begin the relationship. I mean, you could always leave things casual and see where they go...but if you really like this guy, you might as well get it over with and see how you like the whole steady deal
I hope this helped.

you wanna be just like me, i wish i could be myself
you wanna be just like me,
i can't think of no one else...
-Reel Big Fish

Posts: 120 | From: california...well, at least it sounds cool. | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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I entered into my first "real" relationship (which happened similarly to yours, KG, in that it started out Net and then became real, and my parents weren't too thrilled) at the age of 19. My partner and I dated exclusively for three and a half years before our relationship became polyamorous, and we're still together and now talking about eventually moving in together.

I guess I don't see *why* extensive dating experience is necessary. To make sure you're not missing out on what, exactly? I mean, I do agree that not making one person your whole world and having friends and a support network is great, but why should you avoid committing to someone just because someone "better' might come loping down the pike?

If your current relationship isn't meant to work out long term, it will end, and you'll have a chance to start another one. If it does work out, well, you'll have a happy relationship in your life. Either way, you will continue to grow as a person, to meet new people, and learn new things.

This doesn't mean go pick out the nursery wallpaper, but just that maybe your mom is scared that her little girl is finally making a big committment, and having you date around might make it easier for her. However, it's *your* relationship. Do what's right for you.


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Member # 3072

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Another excellent topic! And one which I've had experience with...

I don't think it is EVER worth leaving what you have simply in order to do what someone else feels is good for you. When I was dating my first girlfriend (in high school), my mom used to tell me time and time again that there was no point being committed to her, since I'd need to learn more about others before settling down. Then when I began dating Sonia in college, my Dad lectured me and basically said the same thing...that if I didn't get out while I still could, I'd never know what else was out there.

Well it's all clear to me now that I have a lot of learning to do. But in my opnion, it wasn't worth leaving either of my exes simply to "look around." Now I have time to do that. I learned a lot about women, and a lot about life from each ex-girlfriend I I feel like it was a valuable use of time and emotion. I certainly don't think that leaving either of them simply to see what other "fish" were "in the sea" would have been a good idea, and I'm glad I let each relationship run its course.

Bottom line? Enjoy your boy while you've got him! If it works, it's wonderful; if not, then you can look around later.


It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

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Member # 2254

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Heh, wow. I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. My mom told me the same thing. I shouldn't act like the long distance relationship I started when I was 13 would last forever. Other fish in the sea. Lots of guys in the world (she didn't mention girls, but I would ), all different, many wonderful, I need to find out what I like in them so that I will know who is right for me. It was pretty confusing, because I was acting like we'd be together, you know, next year and next year and so on, and mom was acting like we definitely wouldn't. She didn't bother me about it all the time though.

Anyway, it did end four years later, and I'm glad it didn't end sooner, because we were very happy together and we learned a lot from each other--about ourselves, and also about mundane things, like computers and poetry and math and dolphins. We did things together. I think that knowing how it feels to be in a long term relationship that works really well, the daily give and take, methods of communicating, which of your needs are met and aren't, which you need met and aren't, what's worthwhile in relationships after the excitement of getting to know someone novel... I think knowing all of those things from a good long term relationship MORE THAN makes up from not getting a "sampler pack" of boys andor girls when you're young. I know people that have done a lot of 'sampling', and I don't see as it's given them any big advantage.

In short, loving someone isn't like shopping for shoes. If you're happy with who you're with, stay with them, be happy. If it's not going to work, it will end on its own time, and the best you can do is hope for the wisdom to recognize when it does. Even if you don't, that's life.

(On the other hand, my parents are much more interested in my current boyfriend... they mention things like 'if we get married' and if I want him to be one of my legal proxies if I'm incapacitated... (!). Feels good to be taken seriously.)

Posts: 257 | From: Sarasota, FL | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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Thanks muchly for the responses my dears!

I know quite well that right now I'm very happy being with him, and I see no need to change that. It'll be quite a while before we'd be ready to get married or anything like that, so we'll just see what happens. More than anything else, I think I'm still just trying to figure out how to deal with my family about it.


"What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled..."
~Charles Dickens

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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