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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » A very nasty problem....

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Author Topic: A very nasty problem....
cloudyMouse
Neophyte
Member # 75

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Hi, I'd really like a 2nd opinion on this! I've been so stressed over this lately I've been unable to eat or sleep!

It's been awhile since I've posted, and here's a little background: I'm 22, in a stable relationship with a 26 year old guy whom I've been with for 3.5 years now (since 1997). My bf is really good to me and he's been my best friend all this while. We share our thoughts 'n' all that, y'know, something like confidantes.

Recently I met this other guy during a group outing my bf and I went to. He is extremely good-looking, hunky, and available. Both of us have become somewhat drawn to each other, largely because of looks (I would say both of us are considered attractive people), and he messages me or calls me countless times a day, without my bf's knowledge.

I feel really really terrible for keeping all this from my bf, because I DO feel something for that guy, but MAINLY because he is soooooo good-looking. The guy has asked me out 5 times in a row every night (he lives fairly near me, but then again so does my bf), and I've gone out with him alone.

I feel an urge to seduce this guy - you know, have sex with him? I know it sounds reallyyy horrible and I don't know why I have such a compelling need to do this too, but I guess it's probably because my bf is quite a mild character and I would classify him as, you know, more like the stable family man who doesn't see the need to have sex very often? Our sex life is rather boring, and I feel it's sort of "lost that spark" or something. And, I feel a very huge desire to "do" it with someone else; I'm not very sure why. Perhaps for the fun or excitement of it?

I am NOT prepared to give up my relationship with my present bf. Both of us have devoted three and a half years to each other, and I know he cares for me. The thing is, though, recently because of this guy, I've been unable to sleep and eat and function normally. I don't LIKE this guy; I merely feel a lot of physical lust for him. Well, he's also been very nice to me - I think that only makes things worse. Also, he's been walking me home every night after we go out and giving me lots of stuff, so I guess that means something too?

The only thing I've told my bf now is that I find the guy extremely attractive. My bf's reply to this was that the guy wasn't attractive, he was stupid, a bum, a loafer who didn't do anything, and not worth being our friend.

Well, the bottomline is, I feel I really need to get intimate with this hunky guy (he's 23, btw). The biggest question is, SHOULD I???? Is it ethical? Is it right? Would I be cheating on my bf? Am I even cheating on him now by harbouring such thoughts???? And....WHY do I even have such thoughts in the first place? Is something wrong?

Please do help me! Thanks!

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cloudyMouse...
as cloudy as you can get.....


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Bobolink
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Member # 1386

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My first wife had that dilemma. She chose to listen to her gonads. Consequently, she became my ex-wife.

Humans developed ethics and morals to help them impose some intellectual reasoning on their emotions. What would be your reaction if your boyfriend felt the same way about another woman?

Relationships are built on trust. If you can negotiate an open relationship with your current boyfriend, everything is cool. If you can't, then you have a serious decision to make about what is more important to you. That decision (either way) will affect your future.

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"A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular."

- Adlai Stevenson


Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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Member # 3072

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<sigh> This one hits too close to home for me. I guess your boyfriend and I have a lot in common...

Would you be cheating on your boyfriend? Yes you would. Is it ethical to have sex with somebody while you are dating somebody else? No it isn't. Should you do it? Nobody can answer that.

It is most certainly not fair to have sex with someone while you are dating somebody else. That is a very hurtful thing to do to a person. If you really feel as if you "must" have some sort of physical relationship with this hunky guy, then at least have the decency to break up with your boyfriend. My ex-girlfriend did not have that decency when she slept with 3 people the week after I left for college, which explains why she is an "ex."

I am sure that everybody has physical attractions to other people when they are involved in dating relationships...I know I've had dreams about other women while I have been dating my girlfriend, and right now I know she has a strong physical attraction to someone she works with. (grrrr) But there is a large difference between having these feelings and acting upon them. And this difference is fraught with all sorts of consequences that really should be thought of well in advance. Basically, don't just jump right in without thinking what it will do to your friendships, relationships, and future.

You know, your post is alarmingly similar to what is going on in my relationship right now...right down to the length of time we have been dating. If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if you were my girlfriend!

Please think hard before committing yourself one way or the other. My girlfriend has the same attitude, that she refuses to give up "our" relationship while still feeling like she needs to do something physical with someone else. I, for one, disagree with that mentality. I don't think it is a fair thing to do to someone, so please consider your options fully before you do anything, okay?

Good luck to you...please let me know how it turns out.

--Danny

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Remember...absence makes the heart grow fungus.

ICQ# 3953848


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towel42
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I think mostly everything has been said. But, I know that it can be hard to just make those lustful feelings go away. I think you really need to talk with your boyfriend. If this is the first time this is happening to you, you have to imagine that it's possible it could happen again in the future. If you're planning on spending your life with this guy, you need to open the lines of communication. As awful as it may sound, tell him that you feel something for this other guy. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you're very much in love with him, and what you feel for this other guy is only sexual. This may hurt him, but it's better than keeping him in the dark, doing something with this other guy, and ending up caught in the act. Usually, when one half of a couple cheats, they somehow get caught. Call it karma or coincidence, but I've seen it happen many a time. If you talk to your boyfriend and work through this together, your relationship will be much stronger for it.

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...an angel who didn't so much fall as saunter vaguely downward...


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Siren
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Well, should you? I can't tell you what you want and what is right and wrong for you, only you can do that.

Before cheating on your boyfriend, I would recommend talking to him. It sounds like there must be more lacking in your relationship than just sex. A lot of times wanting to be with someone else, for whatever reason, can sometimes be a warning flag that something isn't okay in your current relationship. And hiding something from your boyfriend, in my opinion, is a good sign that you already know what you're doing is wrong. Talk to him first, ask him if he feels satisfied with the relationship. And tell him you don't and what. And talk abnout it. I truly believe it's good to talk about EVERYTHING in a relationship, even when you're telling them you're unsatisfied with something.

You could always ask your boyfriend how he would feel about you having a sexual partner on the side. And if he's not okay with it, then ask yourself, what is more important....your boyfriend? Or having a sexual escapade with this guy?

I believe having sexual partners on the side is okay, as long as all parties involved know what's going on and practicing safer sex is a must!

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Lil Siren


Posts: 190 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cloudyMouse
Neophyte
Member # 75

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Thanks to everyone for their replies! I know it's wrong, and I probably won't do it, but the biggest problem is that this guy is on my mind 24 hours a day everyday and I can't sleep or eat or do anything in fact. It's disrupting my life and affecting my studies (I'm in my final year @ university).

I have never had a problem with other guys - never felt this way about ANYONE before, throughout my relationship with my present bf. So Siren might be correct in saying that maybe something's wrong now? But I'm not sure myself, because my sexual relationship with my bf seems fulfilling; it just doesn't thrill me as much as before anymore.

I also worry about commitment, because this incident has made me see that I don't think I'll be able to commit to just ONE partner sexually throughout my whole life. My bf has told me that once he's earned enough and has sufficient means to set up a home he will marry me - judging from the present state of affairs this should take 4-5 years? But I'm starting to have 2nd thoughts about marriage and starting a family. I must admit that I tend to fantasize a lot about other guys I meet and find attractive (tho' I've never had the guts nor been able to abandon my morals completely to actually have a fling) sometimes, but it's never been _this_ bad.

Presently I'm torn between having a stable, secure relationship, and being single but having the freedom to sate my lust with anyone I like.

Sigh.

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cloudyMouse...
as cloudy as you can get.....


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey Cloudy, been a while! Good to see you!

Do remember that there are more models for relationships than monogamy. And for some people, single-partner monogamy -- or plain old singlehood -- just ins't the best model.

I have LOTS of friends (Including Hanne and Erin, and my friend Jane) who are in polyamorous relationships that work beautifully for them and their partners (because monogamy isn't what works best for their partners, either).

Maybe it might be worth thinking outside the box a bit for you?

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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Sorry for jumping in on this late, but I was visiting one of my sweeties.

Anyways, as Miz S mentioned, I am in a set of polyamorous relationships that include my partner of five years, my partner of almost two, and my partner of a year and a half.

I first negotiated polyamory when I discovered that I wanted to act on my attraction to someone who I had previously been "best friends" with. So I negotiated with my partner, and after setting up some ground rules and some limits, we are now both free to pursue other relationships within those rules and limits. My other partners and I have similar arrangements.

Relationships which do *not* honor those rules and limits (which includ things such as telling the other partner as soon as possible) are considered cheating by us, and would be cause for some serious hurting.

Poly is not for everyone, and it's hard, and it requires a lot of work, but it is worth it for me. If you are seriously considering non-standard relationship models, I would highly recommend the FAQs and resources at http://www.polyamory.org

I'm also available to answer questions, too.

Erin


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cloudyMouse
Neophyte
Member # 75

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Thanks once again for the replies. I checked back just only. I've thought through the matter very thoroughly over the past few days, and here's my conclusion:

1) My bf would NEVER accept me being in a polygamous relationship. He is a very traditional, conservative guy. If he even KNEW I had lustful feelings for that guy, he'd be unhappy. He doesn't have such problems, you see - i.e. the problem of lusting after someone else outside of our relationship, so he can't see why I would have. Also, he has the misconception that females have lower sex drives than males. I really think this differs from one person to another, and I don't agree with him on lots of things where sexuality is concerned, but I would like being with such a person because he offers me the absolute security that I'm in a mutually loyal relationship and I would never have the fear that he'd slept with someone else or something like that. Also, I would classify him, as I said before, as a "family man" - I would like a guy like that.

2) I've sorted out my feelings for the guy in question, i.e. the hunk. I've also thought through thoroughly (phew - a lot of "th"s there!) the concept of ethics and its part in relationships. I think it's only fair that I remain true to my bf since I expect him to (and he probably will be) remain true to me too. Throughout the 3.5 years we've been together he has never once expressed any interest in another girl and he's practically made me the centre of his life: going out with me every free moment he has (that's practically everyday), calling me everyday, listening to my rants about my family, friends, assignments, etc., and offering me precious advice and concern. I think I won't be doing him justice if I ran off and slept with this guy secretly. Besides, I'd also never live it down.

3) Everything just blew over. I hinted to the guy that I'm still "very much in love" with my bf and hence would be unable to go a step further and invest in a non-platonic relationship, and tho' he's still very nice to me (he really IS a nice guy, on top of his looks!) I've sense that our standing has changed. There's not so much sexual tension between us now compared to before I told him that, and we're more like friends now rather than potential lovers. I'm glad he was flexible enough to give me sufficient leeway and allow our relationship to change from that of a sexually-charged one to a friendly one, so I guess....the problem's officially solved.

Phew.

It took me countless nights, tossing and turning in bed, to try and get over what I could possibly have had with him (i.e. the explosive sex), but I finally did it. I just reckoned to myself that, I simply couldn't let my bf down.

Thanks everyone, for offering all your different perspectives. They certainly helped bring many points to light which I hadn't considered before.

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cloudyMouse...
as cloudy as you can get.....


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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