Ok, me and my boyfriend had sex back in February for the fist time (im 14 hes 15) and we've done it 3 times since then. Weve been going out for a year but weve been close and together since 3rd grade. But i dunno things seem to have changed in us after sex. we still love eachother more than ever but somthin inside of me is different. I love him vveerry much and im vverrry possesive now. He likes talking to other girls at lunch and that really pisses me off. He knows and tries sometimes to not talk tot them but he says he has fun when he talks to them. I guess im just jelous that he has fun with girls other then me. I cry pretty much everyday for about 3 weeks. We talk about how we want to get married to eachother and how we want to be together forever and thats when im fine and happy but then like if i say..i love you and he says i love you too and he says it rushed or it sounds like he doesnt mean it i get all depressed and upset. Little songs on the radio make me cry even just thinking about him. Is this mental illness or am i just stupid and overreacting cuz im sick and tired of crying everyday at the drop of hat. HELP!
Posts: 2 | From: Vallejo, Ca | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
okay, you are very attached to you boyfriend. there's nothing wrong with that, for most part.
i can sympathize with the jealousy. i do it, too. but you gotta convince yourself that he loves you, and trust him. otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts. after all, there's are slightly more women than men in this world, so there's a good chance that he'll talk to a few of them on a platonic level at some point.
as for the sap on the radio, why not change your tune? listen to something else for a change. may i recommend some radiohead? sap is only sap if you think it is. if you recognize top 40 pop stuff for the substanceless fluff it really is, then i think you'd stop with the waterworks. but ignore me at some point because i am a holier-than-thou-radio-mortal indie rock goddess.
------------------ This space reserved for the free exchange of thoughts and ideas.
Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000
| IP: Logged |
Oh this sounds familar sweetie. It sure does.
Okay, can I be blunt here?
First things first, be realistic. You might have been together for years but you are only 14 and he is but 15. Things can and will change over time. If you do get married good but what happens if you don't? No, I'm not being a wet blanket but hon, you have to step out a little and be a little more realistic about the relationship. Sure, discuss plans for the future but don't expect everything to be the same 10 years from now.
And it sounds like you have major insecurity problems. Which is leading to your possessiveness because you think your boy is going to drop you for some prettier or more popular girl.
Take deep breaths sweetie and relax. I would be getting worried if my bf said that the only person he was having fun with was me. It's natural for him to enjoy being with other people, guys or girls.
Have you told him about your insecurities? If not, it might be a good idea to sit down and tell him exactly how you are feeling.
I have been through that hell before sweetie and the only way you can get out of it is be realistic and look past the superficial stuff. I think deep down you know he loves you. So that should be your focus, not the fact that he says I love you in rushed tones.
*hugs* hon. Talk to him and see what happens.
One more thing hon, you say that you and your bf are sexually active but I am pretty sure that sexual intercourse is illegal for minors in your state. So do reconsider your sexual relationship because the last thing you want is your bf being hauled up for statutory rape.
[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 04-05-2001).]
I have to go with Lin on the subject. Well most of it anyway.
Sadly, I am going though the same thing as you are (with my boyfriend).. we're a bit older (16 and 18) but I'm in the same boat as you. We've been together for about a year and a half and we've been having sex for a while. Before sex, my boyfriend was possessive, after sex, he wasn't, but I am. I don't believe that it's mental instability here, I just plainly believe you want your man, and you don't want temptations placed infront of him. Just be thankful you can keep an eye on yours, sweetie, cause mine's at college.
Just let it go - or try to. Every time he talks with a girl, go up and join the conversation. And *definately* talk to him.. let him know you're upset and ask if he's willing to put your mentality on the line just because he 'has fun' talking with other girls. And hey, if you two don't work out, it's not the end of the world - you have your whole life ahead of you to meet many more guys!
hey.. i agree w/ lynn and sweet... listen darlin'... he's gonna be the first of many loves.. you're young.. you've still got a while to go.. when i was 14 (3 yrs ago) i thought my life was almost over and that after one bf, there'd never be another guy... hellll was i wrong! i've dated a lot of guys in these three years, and lemme tell u, it's been absolutely marvelous.. so what im tryin to say is.. you've got time.. don't rush things, please.. marriage is still another 10 yrs up the road for u, and who knows what'll happen by then.. a lot can happen in that amount of time... heck, a lot can happen in one day (trust me on that one).. so just relax and enjoy what you've got.
Posts: 4 | From: Aston PA, USA | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
Thanks guys for all the help it was really good. But today things turned for the worst. I tried out for Varsity Cheerleading at my school and i made it. My boyfriend is not happy about it becuase hes on Junior Varsity and we wont get to see that much of eachother at games anymore. So my happy day turned into a sad day. And then to make matters worse... there is only one guy on my cheerleading squad and he was my tryout partner. Hes really nice but i dunno about his sexuality if you know what i mean....so i feel comfortable talking to him knowing that hes not going to be interested in me and stuff. So today i was walking by my boyfriends class and i looked at him and smiled then ED (the cheerleader) came up and said congratulations and then we hugged cuz we both made it and we were happy for eachother. That pissed off my boyfriend SOOOOO much. I went up to him after he came out and he told me to leave him alone and when i told him we need to talk it over and tell me why he was so mad he pushed me out of the way and walked away. I ran to my locker and cried then composed myself to walk through the campus to the cafeteria where my friends were. At the bell i walked up to garrett and asked to talk and he did the same thing only this time i followed him but he just pushed me away. so then i got hysterical and cried all the way to my friends table. I vistited my counselor and she told me that she thinks its best if we broke up. So i made him come to my house and talk about what we wanted to happen and he didnt want to break up and i didnt know ..but anyways to make a long story short we ended up not breaking up and everythings all good. Except now my mom and cousin hate him because of the way he treats me so now i felt preassured to break up with him!! Just thought id update you guys!
Posts: 2 | From: Vallejo, Ca | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
I am getting worried sweetie. About the way he is treating you. Angry or not, he had no reason to push you away or ignore the way you feel.
It's fine to be angry but you have to deal with it in a proper manner and he isn't. And that is something that you should really think about.
I think if you want to make this relationship work, take a break from each other. Tell him you cannot put up with the way he treats you when he is angry and ask him to either seek help in managing his anger of end the relationship. He does not have a grip on his anger hon and it worries me a great deal.
Talk to him and then take a break from each other. During this break, sort out whatever issues you guys have and see if it is possible for you to be together again. If need be, you might want to consider seeking counselling for the both of you.
Jealousy is human nature! I know how you feel, you are his girlfriend, and all and you just want to keep him all to yourself. Hang in there, I am sure that your guy will realizes that you are much more special than any other girl. Posts: 7 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2000
| IP: Logged |
Sounds pretty normal to me. After sex, many people's relationships can change. You may be more attached to him now because you've given him some part of yourself and you're afraid that he might leave you. And everybody gets jealous. But it doesn't sound like you have too much to worry about- it sounds like he really loves you. If he didn't really mean all of the "I love yous" and "lets get married some days" then he wouldn't have said them. Its okay for him to talk to other girls- it doesn't necessarily mean that he likes them. I talk to other guys when I have a b/f and they're always just friends. As long as he doesn't get TOO friendly with them, then you should be fine. Good Luck.
And no, I don't think you have any sort of mental disorder to worry about.
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate a little bit here.
Have you ever really HAD someone make you their whole world? because I have to tell you -- it's very scary and creepy and isn't a recipe for a good relationship or a mentally sound individual.
Not only is it okay for you or your partner to have other friends of the opposite sex (and what would you guys do if you were bisexual? Cut off contact with all people?), I would say it is vital and important. None of us can be *everything* to someone else, and when we really, truly are, something is usually really wrong somewhere.
Too, while a lot of people do deal with jealousy, it's good to realize that while it's normal, possessiveness or too much jealousy is usually a symptom of your own insecurity. And if you feel you have to hold on THAT tight to someone or they'll leave you, what does that say about the security of your relationship? Not much.
Love and respect go hand in hand with trust. Not only to really have it all going do you have to able to trust your partner, you have to each have breathing room and an attachment that doesn't smother you.
While making plans for the future is great, that shouldn't be something your relationship right NOW hinges on, and the here and now really needs to come first to make sure that the both of you see it clearly.
When you can accept and manage all those things, you'll likely find your jealousy falls away, If it doesn't, the person to look at it usually you, and the thing to work on is your own security and love for yourself -- with or without a partner.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.