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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sex on the first date

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Author Topic: Sex on the first date
Executive Director & Founder
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(read in creaky voice) When I was your age...

... I get the impression that having sex (let's, for the purposes of this post define "having sex" as engaging in manual, oral or penetrative sex) on the first date is FAR less common than it was when I was in my teens and early twenties.

Am I correct in that observation or not? Or are people simply ashamed to say if they have? How do you feel about being sexually engaged on a first or second date, outside the context of a long-term relationship? What does that mean for you emotionally? Do you understand first-date sex to be casual, or do you assume it means a relationship must follow?

And what have your experiences been -- positive, neagative, neutral? If you have experience with this, have you been more or less (or just as) inclined to practice safer sex in more casual sexual encounters?

Do you think people who do get sexually engaged casually or on a first date are judged negatively for doing so? If so, why?

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

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I can't say that this has ever happened to me. But, then again, I've only dated two guys and I still remain virginal.

But I do have friends who've done this sort of thing. One of my girlfriends engaged in sex with her boyfriend of a day. The next day she decided she was no longer interested in him and just refused answering his phone calls. I didn't look down on the fact that they decided to be intimate. It was by mutual consent. But I did look down on how she treated the situation afterwards. Of course, this was a 17 year old girl going out with a 26 year old man (she insists that she thought he was younger). I think she could've been a little more wise in the way she handled things, but I think this has taught her something about herself and she'll be more cautious in the future.

I think there is a lot more widespread awareness of some of the negative consequences of casual sex. The media's attention to STD's has been very convincing in making people reconsider before they just hop into bed with a total stranger. I think most people are much more careful these days.

I'm sure some people would be embarassed to admit that they've had sex on the first or second date. But on the other hand, there are some people who would probably be proud to admit such a thing. It depends mainly on the person in question.

I tend to be fairly naive about sex (seeing as I've never actually done it) and maybe because I'm a virgin right now, it's something I take very seriously. I don't think I'd be able to have sex with someone if I wasn't in a long term relationship with them or if we weren't in love with one another. I think it's something special and while this sounds incredibly corny, it can be a gift you're giving to someone. It's a part of your intimate self that very few people get to see. So I personally couldn't give it to just anyone.

I think if someone gets into first date sex and expects a relationship to follow, they should talk it out with their partner fully BEFORE they do anything. Sex is not the way to land a partner (friends of mine have found this out the hard way). Make your intentions clear from the beginning.

Some people are looked down on for first date sex. I've never looked down on anyone for it because, frankly, it's none of my business. Sometimes I've noticed that the people looking down on the person having sex are even kind of envious or jealous. There could be any number of reasons behind it. Then there are the people who consider sex dirty and a sin. It depends on the judge.

I hope this answers everything!

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Gumdrop Girl
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I've never had sex on the first date. But I did sleep with my current boyfriend the very first night we went out.

He brought me home, and after about half an hour of asking, cajoling, coaxing and outright begging, I let him come upstairs to my apartment (he said he'd give me a back massage, and I fell for it).

We wound up making out for several hours. But I really didn't want him spending the night. I was going to kick him out at 11:30 or so. But I fell asleep in his arms and by the time I came to, it was almost 2 in the morning. It simply isn't safe to send someone home at 2am in this town, so by default, I let him stay. Sure beats getting mugged on the walk home.

I liked him (I still do). But it was a little bit weird for me. I felt like I was breaking one of my rules. So I kicked him out early in the morning (I had an 8am class to get to anyway).

If just sleeping on the first date weird me out, i can only guess sex on the first date wouldn't be an option for me. Besides, there's a lot of things one has to be careful about -- AIDS, other STDs. you can't exactlyask for the results of their last screening on the first date. What if your condom supply is zilch? Got enough lube? What exactly do you know about this person anyway???

This space reserved for the free exchange of thoughts and ideas.

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i've never been one for "dating" in the traditional sense, but i have definitely been a big fan of random hookups at parties and things like that.

not anymore, obviously, but for a long time i was not the most...sexually responsible...person.

i have definitely had oral and manual sex on the first night i met someone. and i know a lot of people who do the same sort of random hookup thing.

at least at my school, random hookups seem to be more and more prevalent, not less. so i disagree.


Once in awhile you get shown the light
in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

-The Grateful Dead

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Sex on the first date?

Well, I usually do view people who do that as not necessarily smart. There's always the risk of STD's, and I'd rather be called a wimp or chicken then have AIDS.

So no, I'm not for sex on the first date.

*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)

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Depends on what you define as first date.

I've met most of my partners via an overlapping set of internet communities that we participate in (which is also where I met rambler and Hanne -- hi gals!) so I'm not sure where one starts counting "first date" from.

With my partner of five years, we'd talked for six months before we met in person, and we still didn't end up going very far on my first visit (the presence of his very wonderful but slightly freaked out parents certainly assisted in this).

With my partner of almost two years, who I'd talked to for quite some time before I met in person, we did "have sex on the first date" in that after him showing up late due to missed filghts, a really lousy dinner at Taco Bell of all places since it was the only place open within walking distance at 1 am, we ended up in bed together. And we still laugh about it.

My partner of a little over a year and I actually started more of a "friends with benefits" relationship than a conventional relationship, so we definitely did it on the first date. In fact, in that relationship it's been the love and affection that's grown up and surprised us and not the sexual bits.

but again, I'd known all of these people for a long time... albeit not in person. And I felt comfortable with my decisions.

I've been in situations where I got sexual with someone too quickly, and then assumed that sex equalled relationship... and it was bad news.


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I have had friends who had sex before they started relationships and some, on their first date as a "couple".

And none of them have regretted their decision. They believed that it was the "right" thing to do and they really loved the guy they were with. I'm not about to judge anyone who had sex with a guy/girl on their first date. But if they didn't have the sense to protect themselves, that's a totally different story.

But yes, I do think that these people especially girls, for some reason or the other, are judged very harshly by people they do not know. Probably because when you get invovled sexually with someone you hardly know, you seem "easy" and "cheap".

Which is probably why some of my friends lie about their sexual encounters on the first date or choose to just keep mum about it.

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I have had sex wtih two people the very first day I met them. One of them was just one of those, we met, we liked eachother, the mood was right, so we had sex, and that's all it ever was. Emotionally it was good. I made the decision and was happy with the decision, it was fun and different, and I never expected anything more, it was definitely just casual sex.

Then I had sex with someone the first day I met him (I guess it could classify as a "date") and we did have unprotected sex, which really scares me, even though I'm glad I didn't get an STD. It wasn't smart at all. And I thought I would feel better about that if we were in a relationship, so he agreed and we gave it a try. It was awful! We really had no idea who the other person was and we sort of learned as we went along, but in the end I realized he was definitely someone I couldn't deal with, not even as a friend.

So my opinion is now, casual sex *can* be exciting (and should always be SAFE SEX), but be cautious if you want a relationship from it because you just don't know who that person you had sex with is. If I have sex with someone else again on the first date I definitely don't plan on rushing into a relationship with the person.

I am not sure if casual sex is happening less. I think it might be the same, judging from the amount of people I know who have had sex on the first date. But most people I know say they would never do it.

}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You just close your eyes slowly like you're waiting for a kiss, and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this..."

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I had sex with my girlfriend on the first date, but seeing as it was only our second meeting, and we'd both fallen for each other in a big way already, we knew it was a possibility, so we were well prepared for it when w went back to her place.

If, afterwards, she had said that was all she'd wanted, and that it was nothing more, I'd have been destroyed; but of course, that didn't happen, and we have the strongest relationship that I've seen... which might be a little scary to my friends, but pah!

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Executive Director & Founder
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So, it sounds to me like people are simply more ashmaed about it and talking about it less. That is sad. And dangerous.

Regarding what Gumdrop said, I think it's a given that you *DO* have to be able to ask a casual partner about their sexual history very openly, and that you do always have to have a stock of condoms, lube and safer sex tools on hand if you are going to have casual sex right now. I know that that was always my tack, and yes, it can be awkward, but I think the truth of the matter is that if on a first encounter/date/meeting you can be so intimate as to have sex, you can be as intimate as to talk about it first. And if you can't, it's not for you.

I'll be honest, though perhaps it should be taken with a grain of salt since the times are indeed a'changin'. In high school and college, and for some years afterward, I did have casual sex rather often. In the same vein, I did also make a very stringent habit of safer sex practices and constant testing, and I know I never expected a sexual encounter to metamorphosize into a serious relationship. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. Usually, they were fine experiences I enjoyed and had fun with, though I'm sure that if my expectations weren't realistic, they would have been highly dissapointing.

Obviously (well, it should be obvious), I'm not endorsing any one thing or other other, as any of us should only do what is right for us at a given time and what we're ready for. However, I worry that if it becomes shameful, what we're going to end up with are people passing disease or infection to long-term partners who they never told about casual partners, and perhaps because they were *so* ashamed, that they also never bothers to have regular STD/STI testing.

I remember once having the "safer sex talk" with a new long-term partner who was a good deal older than me some years ago, and thinking I'd have it made for a change, because he was older than me, and thus, perhaps, for a chnage, I wouldn't be the one with the insnanely long list of partners. Tough luck for me -- even with 16 years on me, he had had six. And even at that point, with a very accepting person, I was a bit nervous to reveal that I had had an exponential factor of six, not just more than six. He was fine with it, but when the tide began changing on casual sex a little, one could feel the trepidation in the air already.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I think there may be more danger in the shame attached to casual sex than in casual sex itself. Does that make sense?

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I suppose what I'm saying is that I think there may be more danger in the shame
attached to casual sex than in casual sex itself. Does that make sense?

Oh, definitely.

I think something that also happens with regard to protection and communication is that if one assumes that casual sex or first date sex is shameful, then one is very unlikely to take steps to protect oneself, such as carrying a safer sex kit or communicating with one's partner. Instead, casual sex "just happens" when one is "carried away by the moment" or something like that, and then there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with it.

I had a roommate my first year of college who was engaging in some incredibly risky practices with regard to drug use, alcohol use, and having casual sex. Her response to thoughts about protection were "if I get pregnant, I'll just throw myself in front of a train." Nevermind the possibility for STDs... She's not typical (I hope) but I think her scenario points to an idea that one doesn't prepare for sex, that it "just happens" and then one picks up the pieces later.

I had to train myself out of a milder version of that attitude. yeah, sex can "just happen" but if I want to not feel guilty and paranoid and put myself at risk, it has to "just happen" in a safe and sane way.


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This is a great topic, Heather.

I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences in first night settings. Of all kinds, with all different outcomes. “One Night only” experiences and things that developed into affairs or friends with benefits settings; and also into two serious long term relationships. In fact, both my current and my previous relationship started with sex from day one (or two), simply because that’s what felt right. - Not that what I was consciously looking for in both cases -when we got rid of the clothing I mean- were long term relationships, they are the result of what came later really. And the sex we had had up to that point didn’t really play a big role in deciding whether we’d have a real relationship or not.

In my teens, after a relationship that hadn’t worked out the way I had wanted it to work out and a summer that had left me really self-conscious and unhappy and longing for closeness, I jumped head over heels into a whole series of one night only encounters that included sex but not intercourse, often fueled by alcohol. I didn’t have a alcohol problem back then, but I drank a lot to forget and to ease up and all (I should mention though, that it’s legal to drink at 16 over here). This was all not because I wanted to get more experience or whatever, but because deep down inside, I was longing for human contact, for touch, for self-esteem, for recognition, for self-value. That didn’t work out very well though (see: the prefix *self* shows that the latter actually has to come from within you *lol* took me way too long to realize that). I was looking for something in all the wrong places, really. So those experiences, while I always thought *in the heat of the moment* that I was a grown up girl and handling this all very maturely, commonly ended with a bad aftertaste the next morn (or later that night). Looking back at this now, I am quite sad for my 16 year old self. Not because I regret what I did, but because I wish my 16 year old self had done all that for better reasons – like simply having fun. All that first night sex wasn’t empowering for me, or whatever. First of all the hunting was much more fun than the kill, and while I never expected any of that to become a serious relationship, I think a part of me always wished for something more than just the physical side. That just never really happened. Often enough because I didn’t let it happen for fear of getting hurt. What was empowering and the reason why I probably kept that going for quite a while was the *hunting* & playing with people. I was pretty extreme at 16. I said things back then that today make me both laugh and cry. Laugh because they are hilariously open and direct, and cry, because behind those phrases was something completely different. And playing with people certainly wasn’t the best choice ever. And that’s something I regret.
When I got older my motives for the casual sex got *better*, though. It moved from “doing this to feel better and get a kick out of it” it turned to “doing this to enjoy and see where this leads and have this unique thing with this person.” Less bashing myself, less bad aftertaste.
One of the nicest and at the same time pretty sad experiences was ending up in bed with a good friend of mine, while being on the rebound after a 2 year relationship. We had a sequel to that, too, but during that really nice summer weekend at his place where we acted like a couple, we kept muttering to ourselves that it would all be perfect if we were in love. But we weren’t, aren’t and probably will never be, and so we decided the friends with benefits thing wasn’t something for us in the long run. And our friendship has managed to not get harmed by the sex – in fact, now that that’s out of the way, it’s better really. *lol* And now that were both in happy devoted monogamous relationships, it’s quite funny to look back at out hefty days together.
While I did receive some bashing from people who really didn’t know me at all but knew what I was doing (and felt they needed to give me their opinion on that), in all, I still think those casual/one night thingies were all an overall positive experience for me. I surely learned a lot about myself, I learned what sex can and above all can’t do. I learned that casual sex most of the time doesn’t give me personally as much as sex in a steady relationship usually gives me. So these days, I’ve retired the casual sex. Simply because I don’t want it anymore. My relationship sex is what I want. And I guess if I were single, I’d probably be a little more hesitant these days in regards to casual sex, simply because my view of sex has changed – these days, I see it as something that can go far beyond the physical. And that’s what I want, really.

Safer Sex, btw, was never an issue – in the sense that it was absolutely clear that that was the only way sex was going to happen. None of my partners ever said he didn’t want a condom – it was simply clear that was the way sex was happening. Even though my safer sex technique was far far far far from perfect back then (no gloves, no additional lube, no dams – but always, always, always condoms), I never had a serious mishap (only one little condom mishap – sliding off-, that thankfully had no horrid consequences) and have been very good about testing since then, too.

In all, I agree with Heather and Erin that the “shame” bit about casual sex is terribly, terribly dangerous. Way too often some of my friends -who kept saying they’d never have casual sex “because that’s sleazy”- would end up unprepared in rather dangerous situations and engage in unprotected sex as a result, thinking “it won’t be that risky” and of course *not* mentioning it with their next serious partner and without having adequate screening. I never got why people I knew kept saying that “you don’t need safer sex in a *steady* (however you define that) relationship” – in that sense, I find people who don’t get screenings and don’t practice safe sex because they always live in a series of monogamous relationships of various length a lot more *dangerous* than those who have a lot of casual sex encounters but are very serious about STD screening and safer sex.

"To be nobody but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
e.e. cummings

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Ah yes...every teenaged guys wet dream.

To be honest, I doubt I'd want to continue a relationship that started like that. I doubt I'd be comfortable having first date sex.

Sex, to me, is something to share with someone when you have a deeper level of intimacy - something more than a slab of beer between you.

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I guess as a teen, one of the things I crave the most is sex, but I guess if anyone is deprived of it they crave it :P

When I was at boarding school, I went to a friends birthday party and stayed the weekend with my roomate brigitte. Heidi (my friend) had a sister (Tamara) a few years older then me that I knew from school. Me and her got close that weekend and on the second night we had sex. I never really expected a relationship to form, especially since the community was very religious. The sad thing was about a month later, Heidi told Brigitte that Tamara was bi, and they both spread the roumor around school. I think Tamara thought I had said something so I confronted her and told her I didn't say anything. She was very understanding but I still felt bad that everyone found out like that in such an uptight community.

At the start of last year a guy at school asked me out. I was new and I thought it was a cruel trick so I said no. A few moths later he sleazed on to me again. He would call me at night and want phonesex but soon it ogt too much. I had a boyfriend at the time, but I only saw him the night we were going out. George (Mr Sleaze) asked me to the movies and I said yes. It was a sort of unspoken agreement that we wouldn't be watching much of the film We were kissing outside but I felt guilty because of my boyfriend. I went and hid in the toilets for a bit. When I came out we went into the movie and acted like we didn't know each other, except for a bit of eye contact. Sometimes I don't know why I didn't go through with it, but my gut instinct said it was wrong. I know all he wanted was sex though, because he had a girlfriend too.

Dawn, a close friend of mine once went through a Bi phase. We would sit in class and write notes about how horny we were. She wanted to go into the teachers toilets after lunch and have sex and I didn't really want to but I did it for her. I was scared we would get caught - I lost all my arousal in the fear a teacher was going to come in and get us in trouble for being in the teachers toilets and having sex. I prefer to feel comfortable and safe, not rolling around on a cold tile floor.

I guess I never gave any attention to safe sex, but I will in the future and since I'm not infected with any nasties now I should be fine...fingers crossed. I've been rambling on again haven't I?


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Talking about having sex on a first date is a definite high school Don't here, except with the sort of people who already have a reputation for self-abuse (self-cutting, drug use, that sort of thing; not the traditional meaning). It's a quick and easy way to be labelled a slut, and that's never been seen as a good thing in this context. I'm know it happens; I've helped people deal with the consequences, but it's still not something that's really admitted to. The whole pro-virginity, sex-is-bad movement has really led more to a silencing than an actual cessation of sexual behaviour. Much more dangerous than just letting it be.

[This message has been edited by Milke (edited 11-14-2003).]

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I'd never dream of having sex on the first date. But talking about sex early on is a good thing. My boyfriend and I didn't really talk about it until a day before we first engaged in sexual activity. That was about 2 months into our relationship. But after that, we have talked about it when needed and made other decisions about doing other things like oral sex and actual intercourse.

It's not really common around here for people to have sex on the first date. Either they wait a while, or they just have sex without dating. But there is this one big disgusting party every year. It is called Misletoe and it's held in a bar here in town, but no alcohol is served so high schoolers can go. Basically, it starts as a make-out party and kinda turns in to this big sex party. I've never been to it. But every time I think about it I always think about how many STD's and STI's are being spread around. Gross. But I guess that's not really a date...

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Lisa D
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(chimes in with an equally creaky voice...)

This is a very intersting topic that I've had many conversations with my girlfriends about!

I'm Miz Scarlet's age, and I'll honestly say that I've had sex with a fair number of partners on the first "date." In fact, many of my best relationships happened as a result. There wasn't any plan, and no real guarantees, and many times, that's exactly what I wanted. I guess that I've never really felt I had to be "in love" or "committed" to someone I had sex with. It always had to be someone I really liked, mind you, and somebody i knew that I wouldn't feel weird interacting with after a possible "one night experience." But, I've always done a pretty fair job of keeping the love and sex thing separate. I am naturally a very, very independant person, and I take the concept of love quite seriously. While love is usually something that usually needs months and months to develop, my sexual interest is typically peaked far before then.

While many of my girlfriends are flabbergasted at this carefree attitude, I'm just as bewildered at their rather unreasonable expectations that every sexual encounter must be deeply meaningful and "sacred." Talk about pressure! Sometimes, sex is just about joy and lust and a shared experience - no more, no less.

By the way, my partner and I had sex about 7 hours into our first date. Although I don't believe in love at first sight (I knew him for years beforehand, but only as a very casual aquaintance) I knew there was something very, very special about how the two of us interacted. We've been together for five years, and he proposed to me about a month ago. We're getting married next April. Just goes to show that you never know what can happen!

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Please, don't get me wrong.

By the way, sorry I got you confused about what I meant by 'first date' but what I meant is the first time you actually go out with a person, to get to know them a bit more personally.

In fact, what I said was:

Well, I usually do view people who do that as not necessarily smart. There's always the risk of STD's, and I'd rather be called a wimp or chicken then have AIDS.

When I go on a date, I do it to get to know the person a bit more better, and see if I can progress from there. I've never actually gone out on a date with anyone I knew very well, like a close friend, so I'm really just speaking in terms of what goes on in my life and what the people around me do.

It's situations like those which I was referring to, and it's on those 'first dates' where I'd never have sex. Partly because I am worried about the possibility of STD's and pregnancy. And secondly, because sex is something I would only want to indulge in with someone I'm close to. People have already laughed at me over this, but this is just how I feel about that type of thing.

I'm not for the whole 'slut whore' thing either.

Maybe some of you know that I have been in two past relationships, and that most of the people around me refer to me as a 'slut' or 'whore' or even 'prostitute'. I never had sex in those relationships. I'm not even sure what a slut is supposed to be (maybe later I'll post a topic about this). I have never ever called any girl a slut - there usually is another side to the story, I believe, and usually I am right.

I agree with Miz Scarlett and Erin and Alaska and all the other people who agree on the shame attached to casual sex. It should be something talked about with your partner, and I do feel couples should try and be a bit more open about that kind of thing.

The other day I read about a man in Scotland or Ireland or something like that who has to pay his former partner a hell of a lot of money (I forgot the actual amount) for having sex with her with the knowledge he was HIV positive and not telling her about it - until she went for a blood test. (I'll go through look the paper pile in a minute - maybe I'll find it and if I do, I'll post it).

I don't know why he didn't say anything to her, wether he was just plain shy, or other reasons, but it made me remind myself how important it is to be open about casual sex with any partner of yours.

*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)

Posts: 194 | From: city of Anghelz | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well, first off I qualify my input.

Im a 17 year old male from Minneapolis. Joe average. I go to school, get decent grades,im a Boy Scout (yea yea), Im not religious, and I have had one sexual partner (my current girlfriend).

Personally I don't agree with the concept of sex on the first date. For me it is something that I actually intended to save until I married or at least was in a position that if something happened (i.e. unintended pregancy) I would be able to be a supportive partner. That to me meant waiting till I was out of school and financially independant. But that has more to do with whether teens should be having sex than whether its okay on the first date.

However, that is just for me. If both partners are honest with each other, are not going to hurt the other, and understand what they are getting into, I see absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex. They just have to be able to accept the risks that they both take.

My 2 cents.

Above all else, to thine own self be true.

Posts: 11 | From: Minneapolis MN, USA | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I see a definite distinction between sex on a first date and random hook-ups. I used to do random hook-ups with complete strangers because I had self-esteem issues up the wazoo. I had absolutely no intention of ever seeing these people again. It wasn't even necessary for me to like them. I had oral sex with people that I wouldn't enjoy a conversation with. It was completely ridiculous.

On the other hand, there is what happened between my boyfriend and I. We had been casual aquaintances for a couple of years. Then one Friday night we were out with a bunch of people and something just clicked between us. We sort of separated ourselves from the group and flirted like mad. When everyone else went home, we stayed out together. We ended up having sex that night. It was wonderful and emotionally fulfilling. Whatever happened that night turned into a relationship, and right now I am just about the happiest person ever

Basically, I've made it a rule for myself that I don't have sex with people that I wouldn't be friends with. I think it's a good rule for me to evaluate whether I'm considering sex for the right reasons.

Limes Are Sublime

Posts: 1101 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well if having sex on the third day of going out with that person counts then put this in there too.

To me it made thing worse between us. There isn't even an us right now. It made him think that he could have sex whenever he wanted it. There wasnt anything special about it. It was just straight up sex and nothing more. No love what so ever. To me that is not the way to go. Sex is a sign of love. Why do it if you arent in love. I know I can sit here and say that now and I wish I would have thought that before me and Jacob had sex but you know what I didnt. I didnt think we were going to do that.

The point is that in my opinion you should wait until FAR into a relationship that you really think is going to last to have sex. It will make it more special for the both of you.


Hugs and Kisses forever and always. xoxoxo

[This message has been edited by Melea (edited 04-02-2001).]

Posts: 52 | From: Celeste,Tx,USA | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Aside from wanting my sexual encounters to be emotionally intimate, I'm very much against the idea of casual intercourse (for me), in as much as there is no birthcontrol that is 100% effective. I want any potential children of mine to have two (or conceivably more) parents who love each other and who parent them. If I'm ever judgemental towards other people's sexual choices (I try not to be, but I'm only human) it's with that reasoning/belief in mind.

Casual encounters involving other kinds of sex are cool with me, but not something that I see myself ever doing... my personal experiences having been limited to the three long term relationships that I've had (and one very brief encounter with a couple that I was good friends with). If for some unthinkable reason I didn't have my partner to get it on with, I think I'd go in for a threesome between me, my hand ('madam palm and her five sisters,' as an old friend used to say) and my big purple vibrator. I'm not a particularly social person, and I don't really like being around people that I'm not close to, and doubly so if I'm vulnerable.

My concerns with other people's casual sexual encounters are the same as those for any sexual encounters... are physical and emotional safety needs being addressed? (and are any however remotely potential children being discussed and planned for) If so, party on. I don't think it's looked down on at all at this college. (In fact, there are a couple talented people that are regularly tested and keep a big stash of safer sex supplies and it's sort of known that you can go knock on their doors and say, hey, let's do it, and they'll invite you in for a couple hours.)

Posts: 257 | From: Sarasota, FL | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I had oral sex with people that I wouldn't enjoy a conversation with. It was completely ridiculous.

I'm not sure if this is what you're referring to, but Margaret Cho has a whole routine about that. "When people are going down on me, I think, 'Do THEY not want to talk to ME?!'" Reminded me of that.

Anyway, as for sex on the first date…I myself do not agree with it, however am open to the idea if I ever found myself in a situation like the the ones described here -- something just "clicking" and feeling right. If the opportunity presented itself in actuality though, I doubt I'd go through with it unless I knew the person and their sexual history (which implies I'd only have sex with my friends, which frankly makes me shudder ). I just don't think that one night of uninhibited lust is really worth an hypothetical unwanted pregnancy or STI.

- Duelist

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I've had sex on the first date a few times. Does that make me a "slut"? does that mean my thoughts, opinions and feelings are worth less than a shy girl? Who's to judge? Make your choices and take responsibility for them. hattie
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My 2 cents...

I personally don't agree with it....I never had sex with Isaiah (my boyfriend of almost 2 and half years) on the first date, it was three weeks later that it happened.

It's not to say that i've never engaged in casual sex. When Mark (my ex) and I broke up, we remained friend with benefits for 2 months...

It was after i had a one night sex with a good friend of mine, Alan (and he is my boyfriend's bestfriend) that i realized that i prefered sex in a relationship.. and not long after that (about an month or so later), i started dating Isaiah. Alan and I have remained close friends after the fact we had sex. It's rare to remain friends with someone u've had sex afterwards, but we made sure it wouldn't harm our friendship!

I don't have a problem with other people engaging in casual sex. It is their choice, life and own body as long they're being safe about it.


[This message has been edited by summergoddess (edited 11-14-2003).]

Posts: 369 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Only once, and it turned out to be a rather pleasant relationship that lasted for 2 or so months till now (it's drawing to a close already). It was the only time though. I generally don't like it though, it ruins all the fun in getting the prize. I'm not for waiting a long time either. Maybe till the third or fourth date, it's just preferable to have some initiation time before you have sex with someone. That way you get to brew in your lust for awhile (so it's better twhen you satisfy it), and also get to know the person a little better so you're more comfortable when you do have sex, and the whole thing will be generally more fufilling. And even if the sex sucked, you'd give another chance, because well, it's a friendship then, not just booty.

Posts: 37 | From: Singapore | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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