Ya know, I realized today that my relationship was going to require a significant amount of negotiation. Maybe that sounds stupid...but I've never been in a relationship, let alone a long distance one. And yeah, I'm all about that open-ness and talking about everything. But today I realized that we have to negotiate the everyday things too. I think we've been pretty much avoiding those things so far, but we really can't do that for much longer.
For instance, the phone bill. We've never talked about the phone bill. At first, he always did the calling because he was living at home, and he couldn't call me from his house. And now, well, he just calls whenever it's conveinent for him. But he's never really mentioned the bill, so I didn't really think too much about it (the story is a little more complicated than that, but it works). So he mentioned something about it today...I don't think he really wants to talk about it, but he's trying to tell me something, and I'm getting the message now!
So I suppose it's occured to me today that to a certain extent, the honeymoon is over now, and we're going to have to deal with real life things like phone bills, and travel expenses, and all that other good stuff. So, I'm wondering if anybody else has gone through this kind of thing, and how you handled it.
------------------ "Reality is nothing but a collective hunch." ~Lily Tomlin
Ive never tried a long-distance relashonship, but my best friend did, and it didn't work... But, she didn't do much negotiating... I have seen long-distance work though... You just have to put in alot of effort... Splitting the phone-bill, each taking turns visiting each other, stuff like that! Well, good luck!
------------------ Shine, make em wonder whatcha got!-Newsboys (((Kristine)))
LDR? I'm in three (posting this from casa del sweetie, actually). And yeah, they take negotiation, and work, just like any other relationship.
The only advice I have goes a little something like this: communicate, communicate, communicate. Email, phone, in person when you're there -- check in about how you're feeling, what you need...
And as for finances, well, figure out what you can afford to spend on the relationship, what you'd need to save up for either separately or mutually, and what expenses can be shared or traded off. Then try to stick to it. Spreadsheets may help. Then again, I'm a big money geek.
I think the other important thing about an LDR is that both parties don't feel like they're sacrificing *everything* for the other partner, whether that's financially or personally.
If you want to trade stories or commiserate, feel free to email me.
I know, I know, I’m really late on this topic, but I still thought I should add my two cents, probably because I know I’m better at giving advice in regards to “everyday negotiations” than following it myself. *lol*
It’s easier said than done to indeed “negotiate everything” in a relationship. A lot easier. Especially in an LDR, where (and I completely agree with Erin here) good communication is the key.
I found (and still find) it rather hard to accept that negotiations about touchy subjects such as money for example, will always play a significant role in the LDR that I have with my partner. Money (and the lack thereof) has a large impact on our relationship, simply because if there’s none, we can’t meet (unless we find a TV show to pay for it *lol*). We both sometimes don’t dare to bring it up, because we usually end up feeling rather helpless when we need to realize again that our plans might not work out the way we’d like them to work out, either because there’s job trouble (and there’s no money), or because his car needed at 2000$ fixing (and there’s no money) or anything else, really. Money is simply (or can be) a touchy subject – who pays for what? Who calls when? Who can pay the phone bill better (or in who’s country is it cheaper to call?)? It can get tiring to find a solution for that sort of issue that fits both of us.
I still believe it’s worth to discuss everyday things and be open and honest about them, and I mean things other than phone bills and plane tickets, too. – I think the more you talk about everything in both your lives and what’s important to you, the easier it usually gets to find an adequate arrangement. And that concerns things from as little (and in the grand scheme unimportant) as how someone likes his coffee in the morning or whether (s)he prefers to be in the bathroom alone, to off-times or extra attention time and of course sex. Often takes quite some work (and braveness) to completely spill how you really would like to see things going and what’s important to you and whether you can manage to arrange with your partner.
My partner and I, we’ve not always done a great job at negotiating things – way too often, he would accept something that was only second best (his second choice) because he didn’t want to offend me and be an extra burden, and way too often I wouldn’t (and still too often don’t) tell him that I’d sometimes like to see some things happen differently (i.e. wanting him to call, and him to call at a time that was acceptable for me; “hiding” me from his friends; avoiding areas of town because of his psycho ex; etc.).
So I’m afraid Kitten, I have no top recipe here, but to simply keep trying. Ev and I, we have certainly improved over the course of our relationship, I think these days we’re handling this a whole lot better than before.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.