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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Showing Affection

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Author Topic: Showing Affection
StarryRedhead
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I am awful at being the first to show affection. I always see girls going up to their boyfriends, hugging them, touching them, and I've never felt comfortable being the FIRST do it like that. If my boyfriend comes up to me first and kisses me, I'll kiss him back and then I'm okay with affection but I never, ever make the first move, not even if I've been with someone for months. I know it has left some of my boyfriends feeling like I don't like them as much, I know because they've told me. I explain to them that for one reason or another I'm scared of being the first to show affection and it has nothing to do with my feelings for them but it doesn't help. I have no idea why I'm like this.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is being the first to show affection once and awhile really that important? And if it is, any clues on how I can work on it?

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You just close your eyes slowly like you're waiting for a kiss, and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this..."


Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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I am in the exact oppsiote situation. My bf is uncomfortable with kissing and hugging me in public but I always go up to him and hug him and kiss him.

I just like touching him while he is just very shy and doesn't like older people staring at us.

But hon, I think it's absolutely okay and natural that you are not comfortable being the first to show affection. And really, just explain it to your bf. My bf did. Albeit for about a year but hey, it finally got into my head.

I think it's only as important as you make it out to be. And physical contact is only a small part of your entire relationship so if your bf is going to get so upset about it, I think you should just sit him down and put him in his place. As for ideas on how to work on it, maybe start small. Like holding his hand instead of a huge kiss out of nowhere. I know I get really happy when my guy just kinda touches my arm or my back. I don't need bear hugs and major smooches all the time.


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LilBlueSmurf
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I'm a lot like you Ali

If my bf makes the first move, i'll be alright. But I rarely feel comfortable enough to just go up to him and give him a hug or a kiss. I'm just not a very huggy/cuddly kind of person. I don't like being touched a lot and if anyone invades my "perosnal space" i get all anxious and feel like clawing their eyes out.

However ... I know this didn't just come out of the blue and i wasn't born like this. I have other deep seeded issues w/ those of the opposite sex, and i'm claustrophobic


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Cypher
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I have a similar problem. When we're alone I'm perfectly comfortable with making the first move. I feel more secure. But when we're out with his friends, family, etc I just clam up. I get scared. And I realized it was partly being in new surroundings and feeling like I didn't belong. I wanted those people to recognize me as an individual and not just Peter's girlfriend.

Then there was also a little fear of rejection. I didn't want to go up to him and try to kiss him if he was going to get embarassed and back away. Granted, he'd never done this before, but it was still a fear I had.

Talk to him about it and explain exactly where you're coming from and what's going on. Tell him your concerns and don't hold anything back. I don't know whether you two are the kind of couple who are always holding hands or have their arms around one another or not, but if you aren't, try something simple like that when you're out with a group of people. Just hold hands and get relaxed with that and see how it goes. Then move on from there. Take baby steps. It's kind of sweet.

Hope that helps.


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SlowCookie
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I'm horrible with showing affection in public. My boyfriend always tries to hug me and kiss me, but I usually pull away quickly. He gets upset about it sometimes but he knows I'm not comfortable with it. I think a big part of it has to do with me being Vietnamese. You simply do not kiss or hug in public. And you absolutely do not hug or kiss your white boyfriend in public. If any gossipy asian person sees you, you're dead and your parents aren't fit to raise sunflowers.

When we're alone, I'm glued to my sweetpea. If he's cooking I'll give him a big hug from behind. I try to lift him up from that position sometimes but it never works. He's a foot taller and 60 lbs heavier. If we're watching tv, we're all intertwined. In private, we're the "oh you guys are so cute" couple.

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You know, Hobbes, sometimes even my lucky rocketship underpants dont help. -Calvin


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lilnerd
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me too! and not only in public... anywhere, anytime. I have to have him put his arm around me first, or kiss me first, or call me first before I can justify doing it back. I think it's kind of a way of reassuring yourself that they really want you. Besides the obvious shyness. So, next time your with your guy just put your arms around him and let him know that you can show him you like him too

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You should make amends with you if only for better health. But if you really want to live, why not try and Make Yourself?


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Gumdrop Girl
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i've heard this one before.

I'm not a touchy feely sort of person. i don't like being touched in general (i'm a germ freak!).

PDAs (not the Palm Pilot thingies) were difficult for me to get used to. My boyfriend would come up to me and plant a big wet kiss on me in front of all my friends, and it would freak me out. I seldom make the first move.

I don't hug other people, too. I'm not a huggy sort of person. I avoid shaking hands if possible (germs!).

I like my personal bubble. But if you wanna be cute and adorable, you can work at it. I did, and it's not as weird as it used to be.

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StarryRedhead
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Thanks for all your advice. I think what made me feel the best is that I'm not the only one who isn't very touchy feely. I definitely plan on working on it, along with lots of other things about myself I'm slowly working on. I know I do have reasons that this came about too, so I'm trying to go from there.....thanks again!

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You just close your eyes slowly like you're waiting for a kiss, and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this..."


Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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