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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » can u please help me???

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Author Topic: can u please help me???
debis3630
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hey,
my bf and i have been goin out for awhile. and we are gettin pretty serious and i tell him every night and day that i love him and he tells it to me, But he has this thing were he keeps thinkin that i'm goin to leave him for another person, becuz he isn't the hottest lookin guy around. I tell him every day that i love him for who he is and i'm not goin to leave him becuz of the way he looks in fact i love the way he looks and i tell him that but he won't believe me. Can u please tell me what to do?

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glitter695
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He doesnt believe you?? See my boyfriend does the same thing, but he kids around, are you sure he isnt joking?

I think that its terrible your boyfriend doesnt believe you. Tell him, I dont get why you don't TRUST me. Trust is very important in a relationship. This is a toughy, believe it or not. All you can say is what you have been saying, that you love him. No guy is the *hottest* guy around ( :clears throat: execpt my boyfriend, lol).

I think as long as you guys are happy, you will be fine. Does he ALWAYS bring it up, or is it once and awhile?

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

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~KandyKiss69~
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I agree with glitter695... You should have a talk with you bf about the trust in your relashonship... He should trust you enough to know that you arent going to leave him just because he isn't the hottest guy around!

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Shine, make em wonder whatcha got!-Newsboys
(((Kristine)))


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XoXo Chasez
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You know what? I can SO-->O relate. My ex-boyfriend was ALWAYS worried I was going to leave him because I deserved better... Well I told him constantly too, that I didn't and he had nothing to fear. It definetly a self-esteem issue. Make sure you always tell him that he is the guy for you and you like him for him and you think he is perfect just the way he is. It make be that he is stubborn.. but maybe all he wants is to hear that he has such a great, caring girlfriend who does think he's wonderful and you love him for who he is.. (make sense?! =D) anyways... good luck and TAKE CARE!

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*Love is just one word, but it has too many meanings.*
*Trip over love and you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever.*
*True love is when you're still dancing, long after the music has stopped.*
*If the only place where I could see you was in my dreams, I'd sleep forever.*
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* __ sarah __ *


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Lin
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My bf is still going through this. Mainly because I spent a good 1 and a half years telling him what a worthless person he is.

I think he is just feeling very inferior and insecure and I think you need to talk to him to find out where that is coming from.

One thing I need to tell you hon is that you cannot and should not spend every waking moment telling him how gorgeous he is. Tell him you love him and you are with him and you will never leave him because of something like looks. Tell him he should have more faith in you.

So I think you need to sit him down and talk to him. Gd luck sweetie.


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IrishGirl
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i've had relationships like that before. it's confusing.

i figured out that guys are alot more self concious than we think. and they think that they aren't good enough and that you are going to find someone better. but i have to ask you: has he been burned by a girl in the past? because that could have alot to do with it. if not i would tell you to just sit him down and tell him you want him and him only. and reassure him everyday. my bf now tells me everyday that he's not good enough for me. but i always tell him how happy he makes me and he's a wonderful boyfriend for me.

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%Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly% -Chrissy


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Lucky1402
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I know how he feels. Sometimes when I get boyfriends that seem too good for me, I'm afraid that they'll dump me for someone better. If your boyfriend has issues with his looks, then naturally he's going to afraid that you'll dump him. He may be wondering why you're going out with him, since he's not the best guy in your school. It's not really that he doesn't trust you, he just thinks that you would rather have a better guy than him. Make sure that he knows how much you love him and that you honestly don't want to leave him for anybody else. Explain to him that everyone likes different kinds of people, and you happen to think that he's attractive and a great guy even if other people don't.

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*^Lucky^*
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ManQ
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I just read this entire topic. I myself feel insecure in my relationship, so I tried looking out on the net what advice I can find and got here. I think the advice I'm looking for can only come from a woman experience, so that's why I'm looking for help here.
Me and my girlfriend are together for 8 months now. She's the first for me while I'm the fourth for her. (we're both 22). Here's why I feel insecure :
First, let's say it, I'm still a virgin. Yes for reasons explained in another post on this forum, I coudn't have a real intercourse with my girlfriend. I don't know why really, I just can enter.
Second, she's 2 years ahead of me in terms of studies. She knows what she wants and does it, while I'm still looking for what I really want to do (I found it now but I'm only beginning my studies)
Third : We never say "I love you", I would really want to say it (actually I already did but she didn't reply - on the other hand I did the mistake of telling her that the day after we got together).
Frouth : I'm jealous of her ex boyfriends. Cause as I know I don't give her any sexual pleasure, I kiss badly, it's always me who wants to cudle or have sex, I know that her ex bf could only be better than me. We were talking lately about her ex and she told me the last one was really good looking. That almost hurted me.
But on the other hand I can see that she likes me, we're happy together. She lately talked about fidelity to me and I was happy to tell her that I could never be unfaithfull.
But still, I'm insecure.
I guess my question is : what would be the perfect behaviour for a boyfriend like me to please women like you who have an insecure boyfriend ?

[This message has been edited by ManQ (edited 10-08-2005).]


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Heather
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Really, this stuff isn't about gender or heterosexuality: people of all genders or sexes can have and do have partners who are insecure in general, or in certain areas, or for certain times.

A more pertinent question may be to YOU: What do YOU feel would help you to FEEL more secure. Not just from your partner, or in your partnership, but in generaL?

For instance, you seem to express feeling directionless in terms of your studies and gorals: might investing some tme and energy in really seeking out a viable direction help? Likely it would.

Per the sexual issues with your assumption any ex of hers could only be "better" than you, it might be helpful to realize that when it comes to relationships, there really tends not to be a scale of better-to-worse. Rather, one relationship is generally just different from another, with some room for seriously great relationships and seriously lousy ones. But since there are human beings involve, I assure you that ALL of them have pros and cons, weak spots and strengths. Every single one. And per your other post, sounds like you just need to relax about it a lot more than you are, give it time, and NOT see it as an area in which you're somehow being tested, graded or compared.

(And, obviously, if, as it sounds, arousal issues may be part of the trouble for her, spend less time on sexual activities for her pleasure which aren't intercourse.)


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ManQ
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Thanks for your help.
For the sex issue I agree with you, I think I should indeed spend less time on sexual activities.
And about the study issue, well right now I have found what I want to do and she knows it but I don't know if she approves it. Anyway I won't change my choice because of her. You see the thing is that she didn't tell her parents about me cause I'm not studing at the university (I was 6 months ago but it was the beginning of our relation) this summer I stopped everything and left university as I wasn't doing what I wanted to do. So maybe she would have tell her parents but the fact that I wasn't studing maybe prevented it. I work on myself and made a lot of research this summer and now as I said I found what I want to do. I have to work professionaly before entering in this other university. So I'll be starting to work just next week (A company just hired me).
What's making me insecure is the fact that I don't know if my job and what I'm planing to do is going to be enough so that she can tell her parents. Plus my self-esteem is pretty low as I feel like what I did for the last 3 years was only errors and mistakes.
Right now, what I feel like doing regarding our relationship is try to stop showing to much affection (I frequently want to take her in my arms, want to be close to her, kiss and show in a way my insecurity - at least that's what I feel). Maybe that will show her that I can be strong and mature. She should then be more affectionate (not that she isn't now - she lately told me that one morning because of a dream she looked for me in her bed and woke up realising that I wasn't there. That's because we went to Amsterdam one week ago and slept for the first time several nights together) and I should then be more secure.

[This message has been edited by ManQ (edited 10-08-2005).]


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Heather
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(Actually, what I meant was on sexual activities which are not intercourse, which will heighten your partner's arousal. But if chilling from sex, period sounds like the right thing, cool.)

Per the latter half of your post here, ultimately? It's only worth being with a person who not only accepts you for who you are, but who celebrates you for it. And often, it takes some time to find a person like that, so if a particular relationship doesn't seem to do that? Likely it just means you've got a few more turns at bat yet.

Per the withholding of affection: really, don't manipulate to try and create a certain effect. That's just bogus. be sincere, and express yourself sincerely. Again, if you can't do that in this relationship, rather than playing games or strategies, might be better to accept it's just not the right one for you, or one truly harmonious with who you are.


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ManQ
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I wasn't thinking manipulative even if from a certain point of view it is.
The thing is: I know that I shouldn't be insecure cause I know that she won't leave me (it is she who talks about fidelity) so acting insecure is just stupide so I should stop, that's what I wanted to say actually, and all this showing too much affection is I think coming from my insecurity.
Before her when I had problems I kept them to myself and solved them alone (like most self-respecting people do). But now that I have her, I don't know why but I tend to expose my worries and problems to her. She on her side maybe has problems too, but she doesn't talk about it (she's very reserved).
To be frank there's also something else: I also want to be the man and stop being the woman in this relationship. I'm the one who cries when we say good bye for a long periode of time, I'm the emotive one while she is solid like a rock. I'm the one who would want to say : be more expressive tell me about your emotions and all. When I did that a while ago she told me that she wasn't like that.
So most of the time I feel like the woman and not the man and that's just killing me. (if only I could be a man in bed but no, not even there).
That's why I want to be less demonstrative of my affection, maybe it'll make the relationship healtier and remove that insecure feeling that I have of not being good enough for her.
Maybe I should talk to her about that, but again that's doing what I want to stop doing.

[This message has been edited by ManQ (edited 10-09-2005).]


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by ManQ:
The thing is: I know that I shouldn't be insecure cause I know that she won't leave me (it is she who talks about fidelity) so acting insecure is just stupide so I should stop, that's what I wanted to say actually, and all this showing too much affection is I think coming from my insecurity.
But perhaps her reminders of fidelity actually are negative, reflecting more insecurity on her part that she projects on you. I was once with someone who'd constantly tell me: "I wouldn't cheat on you. Would you cheat on me? [nervous smile] You know, if you ever would want to cheat on me, tell me first, ok?" He may have been the talking big about fidelity and such, but he was the more insecure one, which sort of messed with my head.

quote:
Before her when I had problems I kept them to myself and solved them alone (like most self-respecting people do). But now that I have her, I don't know why but I tend to expose my worries and problems to her. She on her side maybe has problems too, but she doesn't talk about it (she's very reserved).
Self-respecting people can and do talk about their problems with others, especially significant others, to explore possible solutions. To me, a big part of a healthy friendship and relationship is being about to talk openly about things. I have a friend, for example, who is very reserved and quiet, but because we're good friends she isn't reserved when talking to me or other friends.

quote:
To be frank there's also something else: I also want to be the man and stop being the woman in this relationship. I'm the one who cries when we say good bye for a long periode of time, I'm the emotive one while she is solid like a rock.
Ok, I find this statement a bit hard to shallow, because I feel that such gender role catagorization (better phrased?) in a relationship is antiquated and sexist. However, I see that you mean you want to be stronger emotionally. But there is nothing wrong about crying or being emotional in general. There is something wrong about being with someone who makes you feel bad for being the way you are

quote:
I'm the one who would want to say : be more expressive tell me about your emotions and all. When I did that a while ago she told me that she wasn't like that.
As Miz Scarlet said in her last post and I have to agree, I just think this isn't the right relationship for either of you. It's not bringing out the best in you or her, instead causing you to use negative strategies to deal with each other. I am a very emotional person: I express how I feel and expect that of the other person in a relationship. I was once with another someone who basically said, "emotions are bunk!" (Actually, he was repressing his emotions, which was causing him a lot of grief, but that's another story...) I'm sorry that this relationship isn't working out, but the sooner you get out, the more you can focus on the positive aspects of being yourself, versus dealing with someone who is disappointed in who you are. You are an emotional person, you don't have to change who you are, but rather find someone who appreciates that in you!

quote:
So most of the time I feel like the woman and not the man and that's just killing me. (if only I could be a man in bed but no, not even there).
I don't quite understand this statement? What does a man versus a woman do in bed? As for improving kissing technique, it's all practice-- with someone who cares about you and likes you and is glad to help ;-) rather than berate you. And from personal experience again: If the kissing isn't good, how can you expect the sex to be any good? (Learned the hard way...)

quote:
That's why I want to be less demonstrative of my affection, maybe it'll make the relationship healtier and remove that insecure feeling that I have of not being good enough for her.
Maybe I should talk to her about that, but again that's doing what I want to stop doing.

Or just realize that you are ok the way you are and that the match just isn't good. Why do you feel the need to stay in this relationship?

(Btw, I think her giving ultimatums such as "you have to be at university before I tell my parents about you" is manipulative and basically crappy. Whether or not a SO tells her parents about you isn't the point, but rather that someone who likes you as you doesn't set ultimatiums for stuff you may or may not want.)

Random question: Are you in Germany? (I saw this based on word choice and timing of posting and the trip to Amsterdam...)

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I was raised to be strong and hard/but if you touch me wrong/I fall apart/I found a woman who's soft but she's also hard/while I slept she nailed down my heart ~morphine~


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ManQ
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No, I'm from Switzerland.

Believe me the match between me and her is excellent. I'm only taking about a small problem here that comes from me. I could talk about all the great things but that's not the point. I'm just trying to find out what's the best behaviour for me considering that I feel that I'm not good enough for her. I would want to be better for her and for that I should start being more confident and less insecure in my life in general and that's what I will do...
Maybe the problem in bed is spreading in my mind on the entire relationship. To be frank, if I was making her "climbing the curtains" (french expression) in terms of sex, I would then feel A LOT better about myself and woudn't be posting anything here. Same about the kissing. I know that she doesn't like when I kiss her. I think her wanting to kiss me almost never happened. I kiss her to say hello and good bye but that's it. The worse is when I see other girls kissing their boyfriend so pationatly, it reminds me that I'm not good at those things that are almost for some couples the most important thing!
I know it's because of my adolescence, I had a lot of acne and it made me unconfident when it came to girls, so I had no experiences. I mean really no experience : she was the first person I've ever kissed (first kiss at 22 - pathetic huh?) she was the first for everything even emotions (she doesn't know that - I told her I had one girlfriend before while it was just flirting).


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Heather
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I agree with much of what Ecofem has said here.

Thing is, partnership is called that for a reason. Should we look to our partners to solve all our problems? Absolutely not. But sharing our worries, our emotional burdens and such, is a big part of intimacy: partners provide each other -- both ways -- support, same way friends do.

So, if you are doing nothing but dumping anxieties and insecurity, then yes: you may want to figure out a way to burb that a good deal, or even seek out some counseling for dealing with those feelings if they are extreme, which it's starting to sound like they are. But shutting off emotionally to a partner, or pretending not to have those worries, isn't conducive to emotional intimacy and real partnership.

Per the sexual issues, again, intercourse doesn't make a majority of women "climb the curtains," regardless. A veried sex life with lots of different activities, with someone sharing intimacy, interested in mutual pleasure, does.

About the kissing, you know, I'd just ask (again, talking to her seems to be something you need to do, period). Maybe it is how you kiss, in which you can find out what doesn't work for her. Or maybe the relationship the two of you have just is not a highly passionate one, period (and that's not about you or her, specifically, it's about chemistry between you, about what you both want, etc.). Maybe she doesn't even like lots of deep kissing. Who knows? She does.

I do have to say, this really is incredibly offensive -- "So most of the time I feel like the woman and not the man and that's just killing me. (if only I could be a man in bed but no, not even there)." Seriously? I'd suggest you throw antiquaeted and sexist ideas like this in the trash, posthaste. It'd benefit you if you would, as well as your partners.


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