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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » A Bet's A Bet???

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Author Topic: A Bet's A Bet???
Gumdrop Girl
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Here's the story, try to follow me on this one.

My boyfriend and I were being cutesy as usual and we play these little word games (which are about as sophisticated as peek-a-boo or asking your dog, "who's your mommy," in that voice y'know what i'm talkin' about?)

well, the game turned a little ugly today. I asked him, "who gives you kisses?" I rattled off the names of people we knew and ended with mine 'cause the answer is, of course, always me. but in there, I said the name of a co-worker of his.

well, I don't know why he felt compelled to say this, but he said, "[Name of aformentioned co-worker] wanted me to have sex with her." to which I said, "What???"

The deal was, before we had met, while his relationship with his previous girlfriend was dissolving, this co-worker hypothetically (or so he says, I think he said it was hypothetical just so I wouldn't kick his arse) propositioned him to help him win this li'l bet she made with a friend. The bet was to see who could get laid before the year 2000.

Okay, so this was before I met him. But he was dodging the question of, "Well, would you?" He said he was sort of breaking up with someone else at the time, which to me says "I would have, but..."

So, why am I so royally upset when it was before my time and he didn't even do it? Well, it's the idea that he would do it if he could. Casual sex and open relationships may be okay for some people, but it's not okay for me. I don't want to be with someone who will sleep with someone else just to help them win a bet. That makes my feel cheap and used. I've never slept with anyone else, and to think he would do something like that makes me wonder why he wanted to sleep with me. i don't want to doubt whether the man i love loves me in return because deep down, defying all skepticism, I know he loves me. So why the hell would he do something stupid???

By the way, this was the same coworker who he kissed during a drunken game of spin the bottle (look it up if you don't remember).

I don't know whether I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. Maybe it's PMS. But I also don't want to keep justifying stuff like this by taking the blame (i.e., I am overreacting, and I shouldn't be mad).

I'm still very upset and I can't even email him to tell him I'm still very pissed off 'cause his browser is jacked. I simply do not want to call or see him, but I know something needs to be said.

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Kill your TV! And while you're at it, your mobile phone, too.


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bobolink
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Hi Gumdrop:

The positive side to all this is that he answered you honestly. He could have lied. He was trying to be open with you even if that would expose a possible character flaw.

I think a lot of guys would wonder how they would react if openly propostioned for casual sex. Remember, it is a male fantasy.

So he had a decision to make. Weighing it he discovered that however superficially attractive the offer was, on balance it was something he didn't want to do. So now you know a bit more about him and know that his character is grounded in real values.

To be quite honest, if I was single and propositioned for casual sex, I'm not sure how I would respond.

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"A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular."

- Adlai Stevenson


Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ThisGuy
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Bobo - Fantasy aint reality, honey - and I'm not much of a one for casual sex either. ;p
Lets just say that it's not solely a "male" fantasy, nor is it shared by all men.

Gummy Girl:
What are you concerned about? The fact that he considered it, or that he was offered it? I'm not sure I fully understand.

You clearly don't think he'd cheat on you, or you wouldn't be with him. You trust him - you don't seem the type to stick with a guy just because "he says he'll be good from now on...".

Has he ever said that he would categorically refuse all offers of casual sex? Do you feel he's lied to you?

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Sometimes I ask myself: "Self, what's life all about?"
But I never reply. I'm rude like that.


Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
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It seems to me, Gumdrop, like you keep finding out stuff about his past sexual history and that it's bothering you a lot.

I guess the question I have is: how much are you going to let his past get in the way of your future? I mean, as long as he's been honest with you about any potential risks he's put you at (and since he's going for an STD screening, and that he's telling you the truth when you ask for it, I think he's doing his best to be honest there) and he's demonstrating a committment to you and your relationship, why are you getting obsessed over what he did before he met you?

I mean, he's probably changed since he had those opinions Or maybe he hasn't, but does he have to have the exact same opinions about sex and sexual activities to be your partner? And, does that he was thinking about having casual sex make him necesarily likely to?

I'm not saying that you should just say "oh anything you did was fine and we're together now," but I think you should ask yourself why his past is so important to you, because it seems to be putting your mutual future in jeopardy. Does it really matter what he did or what he thought about doing in the past, if right now he's committed to you, serious about your relationship, and not pursuing any opportunities?

If you want his opinions about casual sex and about sex in general, I'd ask him what they are right *now* instead of trying to derive them from incidents in his past. And I'd also maybe consider telling him exactly what you're telling us.

Erin


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Gumdrop Girl
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So, he and I got our thoughts out and it seems we'll be away from each other for a while. Tell ya the truth, this might be it. I'm tired of trying anymore. I'm tired of feeling these strange extremes. I'm tired of the worry. I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. I don't want to care anymore. If he wants to carry on, he's going to have to try because I can't work for it anymore.

i can't even concentrate on studying and i have a shitload of midterms right now. there's ants in the kitchen, but i'd rather shrink away into a corner than deal with them. i'm tired.

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Kill your TV! And while you're at it, your mobile phone, too.


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
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quote:
Originally posted by Gumdrop Girl:
i can't even concentrate on studying and i have a shitload of midterms right now. there's ants in the kitchen, but i'd rather shrink away into a corner than deal with them. i'm tired.


Oh hon. <hugs>

Tired is bad, and not the best time to assess your relationship. However, it may be time for him to support you emotionally for a bit. Us humans are clueless creatures, though, and unless you tell him straight out, "Look, I need you support me for a while in this tough time that I'm going through," he may not recognize your needs.

As for the ants, If you don't have pets I highly recommend this stuff called Terro. Basically, it's sugar syrup and boric acid. Pour a bit on a scrap of cardboard and set it down where the ants can find it. Ants drink the yummy sugar poison and die, but some of them make it back to the nest and poison the source, too. Here in Missouri it's readily available in hardware stores and suchlike, next to the rest of the insecticides.

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And I've got no illusions about you.
Guess what? I never did.
When I said, when I said, "I'll take it."
I meant, I meant As Is.
--Ani DiFranco, "As Is"


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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well, he apologized profusely. even for things he didn't even do. so i guess we won't be breaking up. but i'm gonna stay solitary for a while anyway till all my sources of stress (except the boy) are taken care of.

one dow, way too many to go, the physics midterm was tough, but i expect at least a C+. the ants are still there, but they're starving to death, so they'll disappear eventually. but i will look for that Terro stuff.

my boyfriend is sending emails telling me how great i am. these used to be routine. i like getting them. but it seems nowadays, i only get them after i bite his head off -- he also apologized for neglecting me.

as for that whole thing with the bet, he says he never even considered it, and somehow managed not to convey that point. i can choose to believe him or tell him he's full of it -- at the risk of being foolish, i'd rather believe him. for one thing, it takes a genuine effort for me to stay pissed off. i usually can't be bothered after a certain point. it's less energetically draining for me to just be content.

in the meantime, i am studying for my biochem midterm and listening to a lot of better than ezra.

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Kill your TV! And while you're at it, your mobile phone, too.


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lilnerd
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I didn't really look through all the replies, so I may be reitirating, but if it helps any I totally agree with you. For a while I felt like I just wanted to have sex, and that it could be with someone I wasn't with....however, now I understand that sex isn't casual no matter how it happens. There will always be some type of emotional reaction between the two people, and being with someone that you know is willing to have casual sex doesn't exactly make you feel great if you hold it sacred. However, in your particular situation I probably wouldn't take it so hard--I certainly doubt he would be willing to have sex with her solely because of a bet (I mean, hopefully he thought she was a decent girl...wouldn't just have sex with anyone who was pooling a bet!) Besides so, people do stupid things when they want to end a relationship so maybe he was looking for a way out. Whatever the reason, it didn't happen and you shouldn't let it get to you so badly since he's with you now, and you obviously realize he cares for you a lot.

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"it's like being hit in the head repeatedly with a sock full of quarter's" ~~Daria~~


Posts: 543 | From: NY | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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