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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » donīt stay with the first person the had sex with?

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Author Topic: donīt stay with the first person the had sex with?
Member # 1584

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Iīve seen it posted many times that 75% of women donīt stay with the partner they first had sex with. Did not give it much thought until I saw it posted again. I wonder why.
Posts: 13 | From: portland, oregon, USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 100

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You know, I've never actually seen that statistic, and would be very curious as to how it was determined.

That said, I sure don't have all the answers about why people might or might not stay with their first sexual partner, and I'm willing to guess that no one else probably does either. I'm going to move this thread to Relationships so that people can discuss it.

Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!

Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 607

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Why would you stay with your first sexual partner? Unless of course you waited for marriage to have sex. I had my first sexual partner at 14, and even though I was ready for sex then, I wasn't ready for any committed relationship so I know exactly why I didn't stay with my first sexual partner. I'm sure other people have other reasons but I'm not very surprised by those statistics.

}{*Starry Ali*}{
"D'you get scared to feel so much? To let somebody touch you? So hot, so cold, so far, so out of control. Hard to come by, and harder to hold."

Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2653

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I had my first sexual partner when I was 14 also. We were together for almost 3 years though. We're still friends, but not together. mmhmmm

I want you all tattooed. I want you bad. Complete me. Mis-treat me. I want you to be bad bad bad bad bad.

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Member # 1515

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Hanne, I actually remember reading something in Oct on this website that only 30% of women stay together with the first person they were with. Here it is too, I wrote it and Miz S wrote back.
Sorry so long.....
____Read this________________
glitter695 writes:
I read something you had on your web site and you said that only 30% of women stay together with the first person they had sex with!!! Thats it??? That made me think, I dont want to loose my boyfriend, he told me the only way he would break up with me is if I cheated on him. I would never do that cuz I know how it feels. I was just wondering did you stay with the first person you had sex with?? My relationship with my boyfriend has been grreat from the beggining and he always tells me we will be together FOREVER he even talks about our wedding and were only 17. That 30%thing just made me kind scared but I realize that I have a wonderful relationship with my guy. Hes everything I've always wanted and he has never treated me wrong or intentionally hurt me. But I can never say never about the breaking up thing can I? I sad now!!


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Miz Scarlet
Posts: 3734
Registered: May 2000
posted 10-26-2000 06:12 PM
Miz Scarlet writes:

Honey, breathe. Really. And that 30% figure isn't about who stays together, read a little more carefully. It is in fact, only 30% of women surveyed in that partcular study who ever have sex with that same person again.
No, by no means did I stay with the first person I had sex with for the rest of my life (which isn't over yet, but I'll get to that point in a minute). To be really honest with you, with most people who began their lives in the western world in the last 30 to 40 years, you're going to have a hard time finding many people who did or will, and certainly nothing close to 30%.

People change, we do. Who we are changes as we grow, our needs and wants change, what we want in a relationship changes, and thus, our relationships often change, or, we abandon some of them and keep others.

But the gig is this: if we get so attaached to the idea of a single person that represents a single role in our lives as something that we feel must never change, we aren't doing a very good job of caring for that person or ourselves, because when we attach so strongly to a role, we tend to forget WHO is playing that role. So, not only can we never be certain of what will happen with our lives and our relationships, if we ARE certain, we're either kidding ourselves, or doing everyone a pretty big disservice.

It's how things are in the moment that we really need to be able to appreciate, and that really is what matters. It isn't going to matter much if we marrry our first love if as the years go by we don't fit anymore, or we no longer even know what we appreciate about that person.

You know, some of the lovers I have had in my life I have never spoken to or been with again. Many others have turned into lifelong friends. A few have ended badly and if I ever see them again, I may hurt them. A couple of them have died. A batch of them and I have simply fallen out of touch, and we may fall in again someday, who knows. I married one of them, and I'd like to think he'll always be a part of my life, and I'm pretty sure he will, but I'd like he and I to be involved in the way that makes us both happiest. if down the road we're happier not being married, or being platonic friends, then so long as we both still care, I don't think I'll have lost anything: after all, what do I care WHAT a person is to me, when what I really care for is WHO they are, and that I know them and love them?

It's all over the map with this stuff, and that's okay, because it's life: what is permanent in life is, in fact, change.

Dreaming about forever can be nice and wonderful, unless it ends up keeping you in a constant state of fear, or you begin to forget that now is the only real thing you;ve got, and you need to appreciate it while it's here, otherwise nothing is worth much, kiddo.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 26 October 2000).]

Its the best feeling in the world to know that somebody loves you more then anything in the world! *~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 02-12-2001).]

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Member # 100

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You da diggety-bomb, Glittercakes. Thanks for the ref.

Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!

Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Member # 568

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i'm gonna wax mathematical on this one.

statistically, in the United States, girls start having intercourse at the age of 17―.
In the United States, women statictically live to be 76. That's 59 years during which you can have a multitude of variables (chaos theory time!) which will 75% cause you to not be sleeping with the same person till the day you die. In reality, that's just a very long time for a lot of stuff to go wrong or right.

Kill your TV! And while you're at it, your mobile phone, too.

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That 30% stat is found in both Shere Hite's studies and in Susan Quilliam's Women on Sex in reference to how many women have sex again with the person they first have intercourse with (so, Glit, no fears, you've already bypassed that stat, see?).

...and it sits with me about right, based on my experience and understanding, though I'd venture to guess that in the U.S. and Europe, esp. it's probably a little lower than that.

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Yup, I didn't stay with the person I first had sex with and yup, I am also one of the people who never had sex again with the person with who I had intercourse for the first time.

Reading the 30% stat (it's in ther readiness checklist, isn't it?) for the first time was a big relief for me...hey I am not alone! Or am I?

Anyway. The reason why I only slept with that person once wasn't because my/our first time was a desaster, it was simply because I realised (afterwards), that I simply wasn't ready to handle a full blown sexual relationship with that person in the situation that we were in at that time.
It wasn't a conscious sort of dawned on me over the next few weeks (and months) and I slowly dropped out of the relationship. It was a strange thing that we had...if we both hadn't been out of the country for several weeks after we had sex, who knows we might have simply done *it* again and it would have been a lot more normal. But who knows.

Why couldn't I handle sex in that particular relationship? Because my then-partner was significantly older (by 9 years), because we had quite distance between us, because the relationship was not exclusive (which I couldn't handle back then, but might handle today) and because we lacked the communication to have a real polyamourous relationship, because we were in very different mindsets....I was a high school student and he was the *artist*.
My first time was still very good. I look back at it and think: yeah, you still made the right decision. But I see a lot clearer why I couldn't handle adding sex into that relationship.

Anyway. So I am a member of the first-and-one-time-only-club. I never knew what I missed out on when I had sex in a more secure (and better negotiated) relationship...but's all learning, right?

Just a regular lunatic.
Go inside Alaska's head...

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