Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » bf suddenly changes

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: bf suddenly changes
Member # 343

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aeowyn     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi! I haven't posted in a while. things with my bf seemed really good for a while, until two days ago. He found out that one of his good friends in high school who he used to have a crush on was shot to death in a random shooting while she was volunteering in a convalescent home. Then he started acting incredibly aloof to me....and when i tried to talk to him about things he kept insisting that i leave things alone. Then during one especially heated conversation, when i asked him if he loved me, he said he didn't know, and that just killed me. he then said that he doesn't know if he wants to be together.....then later in the same conversation he said that he didn't mean it, that he loved me and wanted to be with me....i feel so confused and sad and hurt...what should i do? help!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 11 | From: Berkeley, CA USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Death often affects people very greatly. In this case, his good friend was shot. I am sure that is playing a very big part in his sudden change towards you now.

He is probably feeling very confused and uncertain now. I think he just needs some time to grief. If possible, just try to probe gently and judge for yourself to see to what extent his friend's death is affecting him.

But if he really doesn't want to tok just tell him you love him and you understand that he needs time to think and perhaps grief now. tell him you will be there for him. Don't bring up your relationship now for I don't think he really knows what he wants now. Give him the time and space he needs before bringing up your relatinship again.

I don't think he wants to leave you but he is just going through alot right now. Just be there to support and love him. I think that's what he needs alot right now. Gd luck sweetie. *hugs*

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 01-13-2001).]

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 589

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SlowCookie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry for being harsh but....

All I'm thinking is, "His good friend just died and your main concern is whether he loves you?!" I'm not saying that you aren't important but he's going through a traumatic time right now and all your thinking about is yourself and your relationship. His friend just died. Must I repeat it? He can't be his usual chipper self. Give him a break. Many things are going through his head right now and I'm sorry if his main concern isn't you.

Give him some time alone. If he wants to talk then he'll talk. If he doesn't, don't push him. Put your relationship problems aside for now, I doubt he needs all this junk at the moment. Simply be his friend, a nagging girlfriend isn't too helpful in this situation. Good luck.

[This message has been edited by SlowCookie (edited 01-13-2001).]

Posts: 681 | From: Florida, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1194

Icon 1 posted      Profile for lilnerd     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
his behaviour is most definitely going to be changed by a traumatic experience as this one. the best thing you can do now is be supportive of him, and help him through this time. when someone in your life dies, how you feel and act towards other people can become totally garbled. i really would not worry about how he feels about you at this point, i would worry about how he is handling the situation. give him a break, and some may be awhile before he can get himself together and I think that's pretty understandable.

------------------ *My Ryan Page*
“the safest sex is no sex but if you gunna have sex wear a latex”- Teck $

Posts: 543 | From: NY | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2226

Icon 1 posted      Profile for phsygnosis     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, my girlfriend just broke up with me. I know this really isn't anything to do with the subject but.....
I was talking to her the other day and we got in a big arguement because I wanted to talk to her because my parents are getting a divorce and I needed someeone to talk to, she tall me that she is talking to someone else and she is totally mean about it, she tells me off and hangs up on me, so I call back and she does the same thing, well, she kept on doing this for about 2 weeks and I had my mom call her to see what was happening, my girlfriend told my mom that she still loves me and she wants to be with me, then she calls the next night and just dumps me. Really, what I am trying to say is that, words can change at anytime.


Posts: 88 | From: Canton, Ohio, USA | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

Icon 1 posted      Profile for KittenGoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sweetie, I'm really sorry that something so terrible has happened to your bf. He's going through alot right now and you're just going to have to be understanding. And maybe it is harsh, but I'm gonna have to agree with SlowCookie on this one...his life just changed in a major way, and all you're worried about is if he's gonna stay with you? A little selfish, don't you think? When someone dies suddenly like that, then alot of times, it's like your entire world comes to a screeching halt, and you question everything you know. You said it had only been two days since he found this out, you can't expect him to fully recover from the death of a good friend, and completely move on in two days! Think about how you would feel in you were in his situation. The best advice I can give you, is to stop thinking about you, and start thinking about him. Tell him that you love him, and that this is a terrible thing that's happened and you want him to feel like he can come to you and talk anytime he needs to...and then, as hard as it might be, step back a little and give him some space to heal. Then maybe bring him lunch at work, or send him a card, or something...nothing that's heavy on the relationship stuff, just let him know that you're supporting him and thinking about him. Remember that right now, this is all about him, not about you.


"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
~Joan Crawford

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 607

Icon 1 posted      Profile for StarryRedhead     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I definitely agree with SlowCookie and KittenGoddess on this one. I don't think him changing has anything to do with his feelings for YOU, this is about HIM and the fact that he just lost a friend.

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if a friend of yours suddenly died? I think that it is one of the biggest shocks and, emotionally it's got to be hard for him.....would you go right back to who you were two days after you learned your friend had died? You did good by trying to talk to him but considering it only happened 2 days ago, he might not be ready to talk about how he's feeling. He's probably still very confused and upset. What he needs now is for you to give him support when he needs and wants it, but also, let him have some time to himself to think about what has happened. You can't expect someone to be the same after something like this, or for him to be "over it" right away. If he doesn't want to talk about it, tell him that's okay but if he does want to talk, you'll be there to listen.

}{*Starry Ali*}{
"I watch you sleep away the time. I watch you sleep.....sleep tight."
My Webpage

Posts: 367 | From: NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 343

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Aeowyn     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thanks for all the advice. actually i didnt' find out about the shooting until after i posted and had that horrible conversation. I could tell that in the past two days he was upset about something but he wouldn't tell me was only later when his roomate and i were talking that i found out about the incident. i feel really bad for pushing him....I honestly didn't know what was going on with him and i just wanted to help.....but now i'm scared i've ruined everything....any idea how i can salvage things?
Posts: 11 | From: Berkeley, CA USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Give him a big hug and tell him what you just posted. Tell him you only just found out and you are sorry if you weren't being supportive previously but that was only coz you didn't know.

Just let him know you love him and are there for him. As I said perviously, give him the time and space he needs but bethere for him should he need to talk or cry or anything. I think he would really appreciate that. Gd luck sweetie.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Aeowyn (and psygnosis, for that matter)?

Listen guys. I can say pretty confidently that relationships in your teens are hard for a lot of reasons, but a big one is because at this time in your life, you ARE pretty self-involved -- everyone is. It's a real challenge to be able to keep track of your consideration for everyone's feelings at a phase in your life which is all about self-identity and figuring out who you are. So, Aeowyn, cut yourself a break. Psyg, same for your girlfriend.

You (or she) screwed up. It's okay, it happens. But few things in life are irreparable. Aeowyn, just give your boyfriend a call and tell him you;re sorry and that you're around if he needs you, but that while he goes through this, he can feel free to take some space for himself right now.

Everyone who has posted is right -- a death of someone your own age in your teens is really intense -- it's so easy to think that when you're young, you're immortal. When you find out otherwise in such a drastic way -- AND lose a close friend or partner -- it makes that even more intense.

I know that when my partner died in high school, I really didn't want to talk to ANYONE (save my father and my therapist) for a good six months. It's just a lot to deal with and there are a lot of feelings to sort out, and when you're grieving, you need to do that.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 894

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Lucky1402     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It seems to me that he may still be in shock over his friend's death. If she was a very important person to him, he's probably very hurt and angry right now. Everyone deals with a tragedy differently, and he may just be so mad that he's taking it out on you. It may take a while, but I'm sure he will return to his old self sooner or later. He needs time to accept her death and to let his mind clear. Just let him know that you're there for him, and maybe give him some space for awhile. It seems that when he said some of those upsetting things to you he didn't really mean it, since he appologized. I hope everything works out!

"We have to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?"~ Lee Iococca
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

Posts: 492 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3