ok, my boyfriend of nine months.. told me the other day after i graduate in May, that we should get an apartment together. i love spending every second of my life with him and would love to continue doing so.. but i have a feeling this will change our relationship a bit. I love spending time w/ him. when i get off of school, i am at his house and on his days off, i spend every minute with him til i have to go home so i wouldnt mind.. but i do have some doubts. can u guys give me some advice or tell me some of your stories about moving in w/ your boyfriends?? thanks Jackie
------------------ ~*Dont give up on the one you love.. there may never be anyone like him again.*~ ~*SENIOR CLASS OF 2001 ROCKS*~
But I have to say, in my experience with living with partners -- unless we simply were NOT compatible living together -- it's changed it in some ways which weren't so good, and some ways which were, and it's been a pretty even score, overall.
However, I would have to say that I'm a very strong proponent of people having the experience of living on your own or with platonic roomates first before you shack up with a lover. Basically, it's just pretty important (and great fun!) when it comes to discovering yourself apart from your parents, and getting your feet on the ground as an adult.
So, overall, in the most general sense, I can't say I think leaving home to go right into a place with your boyfriend is the best thing, in my opinion.
But if you really want to do it, perhaps think about moving somewhere where you each get your own room?
depsite the fact that we practically live together already, I value my autonomy. I can't imagine having a quarrel with him and then *not* having a place to storm off to. i.e., if we get tired of each other, we can either leave or send the other home. i need my space.
------------------ Inspected by Number 26
Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000
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You know, there's alot of other things that come into living with your partner other than just wanting to be around that person. There's alot of everyday things, like paying bills, who has to clean the bathroom, what time everybody comes home, etc...that come into living with someone. And if you're in a relationship with the person you're living with, then these things could affect your relationship too. If you sign a lease with both your names on it, then what happens if you break up? I'm not telling you not to do it, I'm not in your situation, so I can't say what's right for you...I'm just saying that you need to make sure that you're both ready for the kind of responsibility and the possible affects on your relationship. I've been in college for a year now, I live alone in a dorm, and personally, with all the stress I'm dealing with I can't imagine living with anyone else...whether that is another roommate, or a boyfriend, or whatever. I don't feel like I have the energy to give a relationship like that the time and effort that it deserves, cause college does take alot out of you. College is a great time to discover who you are and what you really want out of life, and personally I'm not sure I could do that in that kind of relationship. So anyway, I guess my advice might be to take one semester at least to live either by yourself, or with a platonic roommate, just so you know what it's like to be on your own. But then I'm not you, so I can't tell you for sure what's right for you. But that's just my two cents!
------------------ "Intelligence is like underwear. We all should have it but we shouldn't show it off." ~James Dent
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." ~Helen Keller
I'm 20... almost 21, and I kind of live with my boyfriend of ~2 years... (in the sense that I have a dorm room at school but I spend most of my time at my boyfriend's apartment because it's only 5 minutes away) and I would say the same as kittengoddess... there are a lot of little things (like BATHROOM CLEANING!) that you don't really think about until you live with the person.
plus.... i never suspected this, but... When he lived an hour away, if he came down to my college and spent the night and we just cuddled in my room, it counted as "doing something"... it's an odd feeling when you live together because suddenly, staying home doesn't feel like doing something!!
I love getting to see him every day though. I'm addicted.
Posts: 5 | From: Frederick, MD, USA | Registered: Jan 2001
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i like what miz scarlet said about seperate rooms..if not seperate rooms than seperate corners..........i moved in with my guy of 2 years recently, after having lived on campus for the last 4. i have my own corner here (we've got a small place so i can't have my own whole room) and it's a sanity saver. sometimes, as much as i love him, i dont' need to be constantly interacting with him. so i've got my computer as far from his video game system as possible and sometimes (like now) we just take time for ourselves. i don't think moving in made our relationship better or worse, it made it differnt though. some things, like doing the dishes, who buys what, bathroom cleaning, etc can be a total pain in the *** , but other things - like having him here when i come home from work - are wonderful. just don't expect things to be magically cute and wonderful and try to keep some of your own space (or have a designated night out with the girls or something) and you should be ok though.
oh wait, forgot something...if you have anything more than very minor doubts you should address them before you move in, if you're doubting it there may be a good reason for that doubt.
------------------ "-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....." -james, off millionaires
On that note, as bizarre as it sounds, the first partner I lived with was in college, and do you know what we did before we took that step?
We got two studio apartments in the same building (one right above the other, as a matter of fact) so that we could be as close as we wanted when we wanted, yet still have our own space. We even used walkie-talkies, for the fun of it (this was before the avdent of cell phones). It actually worked out very well, and following that, we lived together hapilly for two years until we both moved on.
Ooo, that is such a cute idea Ms. S! Living together, but not together. I don't really plan on living with a guy before I get married (that would seriously freak my mom out), but I would definatley be all about living close like that. Hehe, how did you ever get to be so smart?
------------------ "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." ~Joan Crawford
Everyone here is right that having your own space is very important. Some people might say that if you're with someone then you should just share everything. Well that just doesn't work because NO ONE is that compatible.
Each of you needs to have your own space, both physically and emotionally. I have an older friend who is 26 and has been married for seven years now. He and his wife have an apartment and she has her space and he has his space. Their relationship is like that on an emotional level as well. They're very happy together and have been married for seven years now. Just because you're with someone and sharing your life with them doesn't mean you lose your own individuality. I'd love to have a relationship that was so close and so deep that neither of us would be sure where one ended and the other began. Unfortunately real life doesn't work that way, at least not for long. Real relationships that I've seen last are ones that preserve the individuality of each person and gives them breathing room. The ones that don't last are the obsessive kind where they're IN LOVE and so totally wrapped up in each other that everything else gets ignored.
Not that I'm any expert though. I'm just a single 19 year old guy. So feel free to decide I'm full of it.
Well, well...moving in with a partner is a pretty big step, especially if you've both never lived alone (or rather away from the rents) or never shared a flat with someone on a platonic level. I must say that from my experience, living with someone does change your relationship and you have to watch your expectations and habits if you move in together. Lots of issues can arise when you live with someone...money, quirky habits, annyoing habits, food....always having mates around, whatever. Little things can grow big and spoil it all.
Being in a long-distance relationship thing, my partner and I basically move in together when we get around spending time with each other (which is usually a couple of weeks) and it does take some work to make it work, even though we both throughoutly enjoy it. I reckon having private space is really really important; Unfortunately, it's pretty difficult to make private space for two people in a one room 30m2 flat (my place) or in a house with 5 other people (his place). I guess it'll all be easier if we ever manage to be on the same continent for a while one day. Anyway.
I really like what you said about living in the same house, Miz S, some friends of mine do just that and it's the perfect solution for them.
Anyway, GuardChik, take your time making this decision, and if you don't feel this will be good for you or your relationship, then don't do it but wait until you're both ready.
I'd like to add that it's a terrible idea to move in together for the first time if you're moving to a city where neither of you know anyone else. Relationship combustion ensues.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I just wanted to toss my two cents in about moving in with your partner...
I've lived with my wonderful partner for close to four years now. We decided to move in together after about a year of dating. I've lived with a partner before (in college--I'm 29 now) but we had another roomate, and all three of us had our own bedrooms, so it was a little different.
Living together is a great experience, but it isn't perfect, of course. Anytime you have two individuals sharing space. there's going to be issues ranging from cleaning (yes, it will be a factor, trust me) to bill paying to "personal space" concerns. I've always said, though, if you can be madly in love while you're standing side by side at the sink doing dishes, you've got something special.
i would, however, advise against moving straight from your parents home to living with a lover. I have lived alone (which I adored) and lived with all sorts of friends before moving in with R, and not only did i enjoy the experiences, but i also learned lots about myself and being independant and self-sufficient. I think it's great to really be out on your own, and be able to completely "spread your wings" before moving in with a significant other. Believe me, it is a commitment, and you should be ready to give yourself completely to that. Not only will you be spending LOTS of time together, you will be taking on a financial commitment, which is something I don't take lightly. Just ask Miz S--she can tell you about horror stories about good for nothing lovers deserting you, stealing your money, and leaving you in an apt you can't afford in the middle of winter...
You'll be faced with hardship, and you might find that it's just a lot to deal with without having some fun, carefree time on your own before hand. During the course of 2000, my boyfriend had two surgeries, both of which left him incapacited for at least a week. I took time off of work to take care of him because he couldn't even walk to the bathroom by himself, let alone cook, shower, or even walk up the stairs. I'm lucky--i own my business so time off wasn't an issue, but if you're working someplace else, it might not be so easy! His mother also passed away, which emotionally destroyed him (and me, on some levels--i was close to her, too) and put him into depression that REALLY concerned me for months. Lastly, our 15 year old cat died, which again, destroyed the both of us emotionally. Living with someone not only amplifies the fun, it also forces you to deal very directly with the bad stuff, too.
All in all, I absolutely love living with my partner...Every day I look forward to seeing his face come through the front door, and sharing a bed at night. There's just some real issues to consider before you decide if you're ready...
I'm 19, and I'm in college, and I've been living with my boyfriend since I got here, a year and a half now. (In fact, I've been living with my boyfriend since before we were romantically involved!) So it CAN work out... but you know, I probably wouldn't have been so quick to move in if I didn't have guaranteed housing of my own (we both live in dorms on the college campus) if I ever needed it, and of course, lots of friends with their own (college dorm) rooms within a few minutes of walking distance. College is not the Real World by any stretch of the imagination. If I were out of highschool and going to move out into the real world, you can bet I'd take all these wise people's advice and get my own apartment before moving in with someone. If nothing else, I'd want to know for sure that I can make it all on my own...I don't know that right now, what with being in school and all, and I'm awfully curious.
As for it affecting the relationship, it probably will. I haven't personally had any big problems with it (at least, not with my boyfriend...the other roomates are another matter!). We both clean and do dishes, we take turns cooking (we like cooking). Budgeting is probably slightly more of an issue... but I think when we do actually have to have joint finances, presumably after college, it will be much easier to handle since we've had all this time to get used to each other's ways of handling money, spending habits and so forth. I really like shopping with him. We talk about spending and saving priorities increasingly often, and I feel really good about it.
On that note, maybe you should make some kind of arrangement so you can start living together by stages? Get your own place, but take turns spending weekends over or something? And not special weekends, but just, y'know, ordinary weekends. Or maybe go grocery shopping together (not even necessarily buy anything, but pretend) with a joint budget and so forth. Talk a lot about daily rhythms, personal space, relationship desires, cleaning and shopping preferences, personal quirks, sleeping habits, eating habits...
I love living with my Ryan... I wake up beside him every morning and I just couldn't be happier. We spend most of our time together, and I wouldn't choose to live any other way.
I'm 30, never lived with a partner before (though I've lived with over 20 different people in the past 12 years!), and shacked up with my partner of 2 1/2 years about 3 months ago.
And it is a much bigger deal than I thought it was going to be. Oh yes, mama, shacking up is a Big Deal for me -- not so much in terms of the day-to-day "living together" stuff like cleaning and private space, but I'm liking it so much and it's bringing us together in a way that would be much more painful to lose now. We're more invested in this relationship now -- which is great if we want to continue it, but also would make breaking up more messy and painful.
A couple things, though, for the original poster:
1. What's your boyfriend's life like, independent of his relationship with you? Is he more or less the same age? Does he, at this point, have a life you want to be a daily intimate part of? Do you like his friends, living style, etc? Does he take good physical care of himself in terms of eating right, working, and all that?
I ask because I know lots of women, especially younger women, who ended up being more or less surrogate moms for boyfriends once they took up cohabitation. Looking out for each other is great, but if he is not taking responsibility for his own well-being now, watch out for that.
2. What are YOUR plans for yourself after graduation? Do you have a job set up, or school? Have you given thought to long-term plans, and how your boyfriend might be invovled with those? Is he supportive of your interests -- does he encourage you to do things you want to do, even if that means less time spent with him? Is he supportive of your long-term plans?
I ask THAT because a lot of people I've known have found it more difficult to go ahead with their own plans for their future once they shack up with a partner, unless that partner is very openly supportive... yea verily, unless that partner is willing and able to kick you in the butt if you start giving up things that are important to you. Relationships take a lot of time and effort, and they often become more serious when people live together, which can make it more difficult for a person to do what's right for them if what's right threatens to change the relationship.
You're young enough to do a lot of exploring right now as you set up your post-grad life, and having a good solid relationship can be an asset to that whole process. But a bad one, or one with a person who is not mature enough to support you while you figure yourself out, can end up being kind of an albatross around your neck... and breakups are even harder when they mean leaving/changing the home you've built with someone else.
You gotta do what's right for you -- at the end of the day, the important thing is to set up a situation for yourself where you can get your independent feet on the ground and start building a good life for yourself. If doing that with a partner is the best way for you to start the process, more power to you. But if you feel like you could better use a larger degree of autonomy before you share so much of your life with someone else, that's important too.... talk with your dude, listen to your gut, and good luck to you!
Posts: 8 | From: Chicago, IL, USA | Registered: Feb 2001
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