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Author Topic: Too young to think of marriage?
Cypher
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I'm stuck in the middle of a giant dillema.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over six months now. All in all it's been wonderful, but we've gone through our rocky periods. And I'm certain there are MANY more to come. But we always seem to emerge victorious and we care about one another very deeply.

One of the most beautiful aspects of our relationship is that we've both come to appreciate each other's honesty more than anything else. We've promised one another that we'll be honest even if it may end up hurting the other person. I figure that if he's at least honest with me from the start, it'll hurt me less in the long run of things. For two eighteen year old kids it seems surprisingly mature.

We're both eighteen and he's my first serious boyfriend and I'm his first serious girlfriend. We knew one another for nearly a year before we started going out and it's come to be something very signifigant.

I grew up thinking I wanted all sorts of experiences with all sorts of different guys so I could learn a bunch of things before settling down and getting married and starting a family. I thought it would be years and numerous boyfriends before I would find the man I'd want to settle down with. On top of that I'm sort of scared of committing myself to anyone seeing as a lot of people have failed me in supporting me in the past. I'm not a trusting person.

I know I love my boyfriend. I loved him for a long time. Then I fell IN love with him and it was the most wonderful feeling. Furthermore, he fell in love with me and we're very attatched to one another. We both acknowledge that we need our personal lives outside one another (friends, work, family, etc.), but we also manage to encorporate one another into the daily routines. Those who see us say it's as though we're already married.

We never fight and end up screaming at one another, but we are able to voice our concerns and angers. We both try to get out what we're feeling early on so that it doesn't have time to grow into a giant resentment. It kind of surprises me, cause we're both so young and this isn't typical of kids our age. But we're both committed to making this work.

Recently we've talked a lot about marriage. We used to joke about it in passing and since we're both kind of inexperienced and naive, neither of us took it seriously. Entirely, anyhow. But we've really started talking about it. Something in the pit of my stomach tells me I'm meant to be with him. Not in the whole soulmates, fate, destiny sort of fashion, but more instinctual. And one day we were just out for coffee and I looked at him and stated out of nowhere "I'll be damned if I don't marry you." Dead serious. I couldn't believe I said it because I'm not that forward a person and as soon as the words left my lips I turned bright red and regretted the entire thing. I started staring at my feet and stammering out my appologies. But then he just said, solidly, "I know." He had the same feeling. He's told me since then that he knows he wants to marry me.

Everything in my rational mind doubts this. We're only eighteen! How could we possibly have found the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with?! On top of that it's the first serious relationship for either of us! We're both natural-born cynics at heart. But that desire I used to have for all those other experiences with other guys has just died. As has his. It scares the both of us, but it's also very comforting. We've agreed that we wouldn't get married for at least five years (when we've both graduated from post-secondary). But we've kind of gotten engaged. Or engaged to be engaged.

I love him dearly and I know he feels the same way about me. I've seen my friends and their boyfriends and what we have seems to be something different (but doesn't everyone say that?). I know what he's thinking and he just knows the same about me.

This is where it gets even erieer. About two months after we started dating I started having these dreams about my life about ten years down the line. I was living in a cramped apartment and I'm a professional writer (something I didn't really anticipate) and I'm married to my current boyfriend. The dreams are MUCH more vivid than any others I've had and I always remember them, but I used to just figure they meant nothing and brushed them off. But there were two things about the dreams. I was always wearing a simple silver band on my left hand and a white gold necklace with tiny diamonds around my neck. This is after he and I had been going out for TWO months. I saw these items very vividly. I remember the shape of the necklace (a heart) with a little tail of gold and diamonds. For our five month anniversary he gave me the ring. This kind of creeped me out because I had NEVER mentioned the dreams, but I nevertheless brushed it off as coincidence. The scary part was Christmas. He gave me the necklace. The EXACT same necklace I had been dreaming about for four months! And I had told NO ONE about it.

I don't know. I know I'm NOT psychic cause I don't believe in that sort of thing. I'm very confused. Am I being a stupid teenager? Please offer your thoughts!


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Beppie
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You don't sound like you're being terribly stupid. It's not like you're saying you want to marry him over the next couple of months, you're saying in five years. In that time the two of you may change and grow apart, or maybe not- but I don't think there's any harm in saying "if we're still together in five years, we'll think about marriage". Maybe in five years time you'll still be together, but won't feel like getting married just yet. I think it's okay to talk about the possibility that you will, so long as you're sensible about it, as you do seem to be.
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Lin
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Okaaay Girl. That was a freaky coincidence but I don't think you should read too much into it.

I and my bf are going through the same thing. I am 18 and he is 19. We are each other's first partner and we will be celebrating our third year anny next Feb. We talk about marriage and stuff like we talk about names for our kids etc.

But we understand things might change (I will be going away to study, he is going to the army etc). Just take things one step at a time is all I can tell you.

Don't read too much into things. If it happens, it happens. You are never too young to think about your future including marriage. As Beppie said, it is not as though you are planning on actually getting married now.

You and your bf both have alot more ahead of you. Things might change. Things might stay the same. You never know so just enjoy your relationship now. you guys sound like you've got a really good thing going. Very happy for you guys.

And hey, you never know. You really might be psychic. All the best, Cypher.

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 12-30-2000).]


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Voostra
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It's all good. I'm in about the same place (1st real relationship, 18/19, coming up on 4 months) and I think about how I'd like to marry my gf someday, I think it's perfectly natural to want to be with the one you love so much forever. And yah, like other people have said, It's find to be talking like "if we're together in five years we can marry", hopefully wouldn't happen if you weren't both happy, but you don;t wanna say "we'll get married in five years", then get there and both not want to for another 2 years or whatever :P.. Wierd coincidence too there.. but neat!
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Cypher
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No, we definetly wouldn't be getting married anytime soon. Not for years. But we've made the committment to one another. Kind of. Engaged to be engaged, if that makes any sense at all.

I love him and there's this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me he's more than just a boyfriend. I've had casual boyfriends before, but nothing like this. I just know him and he knows me that well.

I don't believe I'm psychic. That's just too weird. But the necklace thing freaks me out. I've never seen one like it before ANYWHERE. It's this small white gold heart with an ident down the middle and a small trail underneath it of three little diamonds with white gold circles between them. I know that's not very clear, but it's very intricate. And I SAW this thing! Eek! This is the part that scares me the most! The funny part was when I told him. I told him a few days before Christmas about the dreams. He'd bought the necklace three weeks earlier than that. I told him about it and he asked me to describe it in full detail. So I did. And he just sat there and told me I wouldn't believe it and that he didn't want to spoil Christmas, but that's EXACTLY what he got me. We were on the phone at the time and he was holding it in his hand at that very moment! I was weirded out for days after that. I thought it might not be the exact same one, but then on Christmas day the minute I set eyes on it I just KNEW. Eerie.

I don't know what to think. I love him and neither of us are treating this like the average highschool relationship.


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StarryRedhead
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From what I read, I agree that you two have a very mature relationship and I think it's wonderful that you feel you've found "the one." Just remember that things can change. I think about that a lot. Right now I have someone that I want to spend a very long time with, but my main goal now is finishing school, and if things continue for us, GREAT, but I realize that it might not turn out great too. I've seen things take drastic changes before so I know to always be prepared for disappointment (as depressing as that sounds), but don't be afraid to think of the future you want in the meantime.

I think you're planning things the *right* way. You're not saying, "We know for a fact that we're going to be together and nothing is going to change, so we're getting engaged and married next year!" I think you've realized that even perfect situations can change, especially when school is involved, things can change between two people (not always for the better). And that's why waiting is so important. Your career choices could bring you somewhere your significant other doesn't want to be or you could grow apart, simply because people change. But if you change and grow together and are still happy together once you are finished with school, why not talk about getting married!? I wish you lots of luck and happiness! Hope things *do* work out for you two.

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Gumdrop Girl
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interesting coincidence. very cool.

as for getting hitched, well, before you take the plunge, you should finish your education so you can get a steady job and be financially stable, rather than trying to work from the ground up. but that's just practical advice.

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Milke
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I'm not even going to address the marriage issue because enough people already have. As far as the 'psychic' bit's concerned, though, I have experienced similar, though nothing in quite that category (my one prescient dream was about a supermarket -- how dumb can you get?), and was a bit nervous at first, but after having discussed it with friends have decided it's a bit weird -- but normal. There are a lot of strange things and coincidences that happen to most people, some stand out, some don't, but when you notice something, you should take what value you can from it, and not worry about it. I hope I don't come off sounding too much like a flake, I just wanted to reassure you that, as far as I'm concerned, a bit of the unexplained is pretty darn normal.
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Cypher
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Thank you all for your feedback!

It's a really confusing issue for me to grapple with. I mean, I think in logisitics. I'm eighteen, he's my first boyfriend, these things never last, etc. Of course, some people argue that this is more pessimitic than logisitic, but this is the way I've grown up.

I love him that makes me question everything I've grown up thinking and expecting. It's kind of shocking, actually. It would be really closed-minded of me to just ignore things and insist that it could never work out "just because." He would never let me do that, anyhow. Ignorance is bliss, eh? Not quite. It's very confusing. And perhaps I'm scared of thinking of marriage because that would give me more to lose in the long run. If that makes any sense.

Yeah, I suppose the whole psychic thing is actually qutie normal, but it still kind of leaves me unnerved. The hard part is trying to determine what, if anything, it means.


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unhappykoger
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ok i know how you feel. i had two serious relationships before the one i am in now. and im glad i had them but i regret who they were but anyway, i am 19 and married with two kids. i got married in september and i turned 19 in october and my husband turned 20 in november. we were really close friends before we dated and then we were together only 4 months before we got engaged. we were engaged for a year and then got married. and here we are 3 1/2 months later. its been great we are still really close even though we fight sometimes. we always know that we can talk to the other person. to be marreid there must be alot of communication that is one of the most important things. other than that is trust. i dont think that getting married young is for everyone there does have to be a certain level of maturity there. or you will never make it. i think that you should wait until you have been together a while or even go ahead and get engaged now. stay engaged at least a year though, and then see if you are both ready to be married. if either of you have any doubts at all hold off! my best friends husband had doubts before they got marreid and now they fight constantly and they dont know if they even want to be together anymore. so i say go ahead with an engagement and wait until you have talked alot and are both very sure about this. it will save you a lot of trouble and heartache to do it this way.

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phsygnosis
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I really dont see nothing wrong with thinking of marriage at an early age. Me and my girlfriend are thinking about it and were only 16. I advise you of one thing tough, never get to far into it. It will make breaking up alot harder if you do ever break up.

-Phsygnosis


Posts: 88 | From: Canton, Ohio, USA | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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