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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » First experience

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Author Topic: First experience
SCuBa GrL
Neophyte
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My best friend Mary has had a TOTAL crush on this one guy name Mark since the 7th or 8th grade. Well, Mark continuously asks me to have sex. I reallly think he is gorgeous and I could eat him up with nothing, but I want to stay friends afterwards.

He was supposed to come over tonite, but my friend told him I wasnt interested after I told her not to. It upset me, but no one was suppose to know about this little "fling" and somehow she found out, but she doesnt know I like him.

I REALLLLLY want to have lose my virginity w/ Mark, but if Mary finds out, i'll die. I cant just let this opportunity slip by. Im scared to death to have sex for the first time, but I want to SOOOOO bad. Tonite would have been the PERFECT opportunity to also. NO ONE WAS HOME!!!!

Please help me out..if you could tell me some 'first experiences' to help me out and relax a little more I would love it!

Mz. Scarlet...Angela (d1TzY8) said hello! She is one of my best friends!


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Short&Sweet813
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Hey Scuba! Welcome to the boards , I saw it was your first post. I have never really been in the situation that you are in, but I do know what it's like to want to have sex that badly, but you're afraid of what it's like. But first of all, be ABSOLUTELY SURE that you want to have this experience with mark. Losing your virginity is a big thing in life, at least it was for me, and you should be postive that you're not gonna regret this afterwards, you give it to someone that deserves it and you care about. Don't go rushing into something that you may regret, especially if you know you can lose your friend over this.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Thanks for passing on the word, Scuba! I'm so glad Angela is okay. She is truly missed here.

In any event, I've generally found it best for me to set a rule in life not to get involved with people whom close firends have had longtime crushes on. It simply seems to make way too big of a mess, put conflict in BOTH relationships, and it never works out well. Again, that's me, but it's what I learned the hard way through a few of my own experiences and by seeing what has happened to others.

In truth, maybe it's wroth thinking about why Mark keeps asking you that anyway?

And Mary will find out. especially if all this is about is sex. I give "Mark" about two hours before he tells someone else if you do it.


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SlowCookie
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Hey Scuba, are you sure you want to have sex with Mark? It seems to me (and please don't get offended) that you want to have sex with him solely because he's "Mark, the beautiful god that every other girl wants and only you can have" or so he makes YOU think. Don't think that you're special to him, because you're probably not. If someone continually asked me for sex, I wouldn't think that they respected me much.

Please don't think that losing your virginity to a gorgeous guy will make your first experience perfect. Sex isn't like that, especially the first time. Do you have condoms and water-based lubricant? Any other forms of birth control? What will you do if the condom breaks? Do you know what to do next? What if you became pregnant or contracted a disease? And please don't think "it won't happen to me". I don't want to scare you but a lot of bad things can happen, and if you aren't prepared for it, then don't have sex. Go to Pink Pages and read some of the articles before you do anything. It'll put a realistic spin on your little fling.

BTW, Mark is a teenage boy, he'll be ever-ready to talk about his sexual experiences to defend his manhood... and he'll probably exaggerate along the way too. Don't think it'll remain a secret... it seems as if everyone's sex life is an open book when you're in high school. Next thing you know, other girls will start slut rumors about you. Please think about the possible outcomes before you do anything. Take a look around the website, it'll do you lots of good.


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Heather
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The series of articles Cookie was referring to, by the by, start here:
http://www.scarleteen.com/pink/pages/readiness.html

They contain a checklist of things (material, physical and emotional) to have ready and check with yourself before first intercourse. That series also continues with some frequently asked questions about first intercourse and the like.

Check it out!


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kmandmc
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WELL. that was well put. Why would you do something like this?? I mean losing your virginity is sooo special. DOnt just do it with somebody that just looks good. COME ON. Think with your head!! not what's between ur legs. When I lost my virginity with my boyfriend of 9 months. It was a great experience that brought us closer. I mean I would never regret it. And believe me, after having sex, u become emotionally attached, and this can cause disaster between your friend and this guy. What until ur in a MEANINGFUL relationship!!!!!!!!
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~You*Know*Who~
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Be sure that you want more than just to orgasm and feel good...because if thats all you want you can do that yourself. Masturbate. You should so you know what makes you feel good anyways. Then you can show him what to do to make you feel good.

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~dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers~

~Duck tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and binds the world togther~

I'm ~You*Know*Who~ and I am a redneck. Anyone for mud?


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Heather
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I need to add something here.

Intercourse means different things to different people. I don't feel anyone is "missing out" on anything if they choose to have intercourse for the first time outside of a long-term or comitted realtionship. I also think we need to recoognize that intercourse does not necessarily create attachment. It's all how you look at it.

On the other hand, whether we're talking about intercourse, oral sex or even simple petting, it's worth making sure that whoever you're with cares about *you* In other words, if you could be just anyone who is available, it's probably not going to make you feel good.

What has "meaning" varies from person to person.


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SCuBa GrL
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Its not just that Mark is gorgeous or I'd like ot eat him up..i guess that made me sound pretty trashy just wanting to have sex w/ him for those reasons. There is something special about it. This is what he says and i'll quote it..."ARE YOU 100% SURE YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO ME?"

He always says how he doesnt want me to have sex with him and then later regret it. Its my choice, i know, and he is always pointing that out. I really respect him as a person and of course as a good friend.

One of the only reasons I am scared to is cause i heard alot of bad things about 'first intercourse experiences.' If I knew what happened to lots of different people, i could be more prepared of the different things that could *possibly* happen to me. Im not talking about getting pregnaut or contracting a disease. Im talking about the physical and emotional aspects.

If you could help me out by telling me about YOUR first experience and how it all came about and down, it would make me feel a whole lot comfortable.

Thanx!

[This message has been edited by SCuBa GrL (edited 12-10-2000).]


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d1TzY8
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HEY EVERYONE!!!!!

Just from personal experience, Mark is a good guy. We have never done anything..well, and occasional hug *LoL* But thats about it

Aimee...I know you like Mark, you dont have to say anything, I can tell by the way you guys look into each others eyes in the halls. Its alll in the eyes! LoL

If you feel you're ready. I support you 110%!

My first experience wasnt to pleasant.

* it hurt like no other
* i was kinda nervous and couldn't get relaxed..whatever you do...TRY TO BE RELAXED!!!
* me and my partner were both virgins so we didnt really know what was going on..LoL, we 'experimented.'
* we ended up making a total mess with all the lubricant and everything else.


I dont regret it cause it was overall a very fun night excluding how much it hurt (physically).

Were not going out anymore, but when we talk, we both talk about how much of a dork we both were when it happened, but how fun it was. It was a good nite.

------------------
WoRD!


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Gumdrop Girl
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well, my spin on this is: weigh this out in your mind, do you care more about your friend Mary? Or do you care about Mark? Will Mark still be your friend after you have sex? Will he be your friend after Mary gets really pissed off at you (that's something of an inevitability)? Have you got the basics covered -- birth control, condoms, lubes, a time and place to yourself?

Anyway, it's my thought that your first time is something significant. It's not perfect, but it'll be something you'll remember regardless of whether it was good or bad. I hope you prefer "good." And if you feel for sure with all your heart that it will be good, then more power to you, but if there is so much as a doubt in your mind, i think you should hold off and give it a lot more thought.

Ditzy!!! We're glad to hear from ya, and that you're A-OK.

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Someday, I will have a sexy car...a very...sexy...car!


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d1TzY8
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i want to hear about others' 1st experiences as well...

Bring them on!

------------------
WoRD!


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm sure I've mentioned this before here at least once.

But I tend not to subscribe to the whole notion of virginity, both due to its negative cultural basis, because of its arbitrariness, and because for some of us, it simply is exclusive -- my first sexual intercourse experiences were forced and not consensual. In addition, being pansexual and having a dearth of sexual experience, I don't consider intercourse to be a first sexual experience. I had intercourse after a few years of quite a few partners with varying sexual activities.

That given, when I did have consensual intercourse, I laughed my bum off after the whopping five minutes it took (thankfully, my partner laughed right with me). After all the buildup, and all the talk about intercourse being the top of the heap and the penultimate experience, I expected it to be remarkably different than other sexual activities. Perhaps if I had been conviinced it was, I would have thought it was, too, but I didn't.

I didn't have any real pain, I only spotted briefly and it felt like absolutely nothing, in truth, especially in comparioson to manual or oral sex. Like I said, I laughed my head off at what it really was (and was not) when it all came down to it.

I've had plenty of intercourse in the (oy vey) fifteen plus years since then, some of which has been noteworthy, some of which has not. Many, many times, I have had sex without intercourse involved at all. Sometimes that has been about what is physical, but more often about what is emotional. When penis-in-vagina intercourse has been remarkable, outside other sexual activity, to me, more often than not, it has to do with the emotional. If you took that out of the equation, it's value would be highly limited.

I think it's hard to know when we want something "sooo bad" when we don't know what something is. It's hard to know you're wanting intercourse if you haven't had it, but that's just the way it goes, and everyone gets to learn their own way, whether they feel an incredible emotional or physical surge or whether they end up in a fantastic fit of laughter over how ridiculous your expectations truly were.

Whatever you choose to do, just be smart. The percentage of girls who get pregnant their first time at bat, as it were, is astounding. Same goes for STDs. Read up, be wise, and yanno, learn your life lessons as you choose to and at the pace that's good for you, and kind to others.

Friendships are never worth losing over sex, especially first-time intercourse with someone you don't share very strong emotional bonds with -- friendships are a far more rare thing than ten interesting minutes in bed, no matter how romantic it all seems before you get there.

(Angela, darling, I am so happy to see you back safe and sound. You have no idea, sugar.)

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 12-10-2000).]


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StarryRedhead
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I feel very strongly that you should never, ever have any sexual or romantic contact with someone your friend has a crush on, especially if it's a long time crush. I think you should really sit down with your friend and tell her your feelings for Mark and what you're planning on doing. If you can't be honest with your friend about something like this, I don't think it's much of a friendship to begin with. How would you feel if Mary were to "secretly" sleep with someone you had a crush on? I just think you should REALLY, REALLY think this through, because from what I'm hearing I don't think this could ever turn out to be a "good" thing in any way.

As for your first experience. Make sure you're ready as for as the lovely check list of everything you'll need. Most imporantly...RELAX, don't tense up!

The first time I had actual intercourse, it definitely hurt, I spotted for a day, and it felt like my vagina was cut I was so soar right after. I remember seeing him putting a condom on, thinking, wow....I'm actually gonna do this! So, I was very tense, even with lots of lube it felt almost like his penis was too big, then I just remember pain, then it felt okay but still painful, then it felt kind of nice, then it was over and I was like, "That was it!?" It's really not everything that people make it out to be, and I am convinced the person you're with is more important than the act itself. So, make sure this Mark guy is really someone you want to share such an emotional, intimate experience with. What if things between you and Mark aren't so great after? Are you ready to put yourself through that kind of pain? Just think this through.

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You flicker. And you're beautiful. You glow inside my head. You hold me hypnotized, I'm mesmerized..."
My Webpage-Alisons Life


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Cypher
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I have something to say on the whole going behind your friend's back issue.

All last year I was head-over-heels for this guy (we'll call him James). He was different from the other guys and kind of a goof and I absolutely adored him. Secretly. I never told him how I felt, but all my friends knew about it. They were always telling me to go for it, but I never really had the courage. One of my best friends (we'll call her Alice) spent the entire time encouraging me.

Well, towards the end of the year we were all at this party. Everyone was there and most people were kind of drunk. I was off with another guy named Derrick and we had a long talk (nothing actually happened between us but people assumed it did because we spent the entire night together talking. I wasn't attracted to him and vice versa!). I found out the next morning that Alice had gotten incredibly drunk and had walked up to James and asked him to go for a walk with her. He did and as they were walking she reached over and grabbed him and kissed him. He was also very drunk at the time. They made out for something like half and hour and I had no idea.

The next morning Alice called me up and confessed and insisted that it was all the fault of the alcohol. To tell you the truth, I wasn't really that mad that he hooked up with someone else, but more the fact that my best friend would betray me like that and then claim is was out of her hands and blame it on the alcohol. The next day at school James ignored Alice and he said it was something he didn't see coming and that he wished he could take it back.

This really hurt me. I mean, him getting drunk at some party and hooking up with some girl is out of my hands and I could never justifiably be mad about that. What hurt me is that my best friend went after him knowing how I felt. It was very cruel.

As it turns out James liked me the entire time and was hurt that he thought I was hooking up with Derrick. Heh. James and I have now been together for six months and we're blissfully happy.

Hope that offers some perspective.


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Gumdrop Girl
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Well, my personal rule has always been if my friend likes someone i like, i will always back off. part of this was always because they stood a better chance of getting them than i did (not much for self-esteem). besides, i'd rather have my friends than a guy any day.

i held off on a guy i liked very much because he was going out wth a friend of min. they broke up. and i must have really liked him (actually, i loved him very dearly) because i waited for a year until we were together again, and we got together. and subsequently broke up. repeatedly. that had no point, now did it.

as for first times ... hmm. my current boyfriend, who i've been dating for about 9 months, had been going out about 5 weeks. he walked me home one night, and we started making out. then i asked him to get a condom; there was a stash of them by the computer.

i should have suspected something was odd when he didn't know how to put one on. even though he had sex before, with his previous girlfriend, i found out a few weeks later that he never used condoms with her. i believe i posted a big long worry-rant about it here some time ago.

anyway, we had sex, and it hurt a little bit, but didn't bleed or anything. he told me he loved me. so in all, it was actually pretty good.

as for that bit with the condoms and not using them with his ex, well, i hate to say it, but he thinks he's infallible, and swears she was clean. so he sees no reason to go get checked. but i've been checked, and i'm okay.

------------------
Someday, I will have a sexy car...a very...sexy...car!


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SCuBa GrL
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Last nite...me and Mark had this looong talk about everything. I mean, I am NEVER comfortable talking to guys about like masturbating and some sex topics, but we went on for hours about everything under the sun, and for some reason I cant help it, but i REALLLY like him and I KNOW he is right cause I wouldnt have rambled on into the weee hours of the nite talking about stuff like that.

I talked to Mary about it ALL. As much as I know she was shocked, she understood and when i told her about all what we were talking about, she about flipped out...(I am REALLLY shy when it comes to talking to guys about sex stuff).

I think she really does understand now how I feel, and I feel SOOOOOO much better about stuff!

I get nervous when i tell guys how i feel about them, but last nite, it was like the most comfortable night for me, i am still in shock, and I told him that everytime I talk to him, i like him even more, and he said he felt the same way, and I CAN'T just pass up feelings like this. Ive have never had feelings like that before!

Its scary, but i feel so ready!


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