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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » We should've waited ...

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Author Topic: We should've waited ...
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Okie, this is gonna be kind of long, because i'm upset and i need to vent ... I have no one else to tell this too, so you guys are it ... I'm gonna say thx in advance for anyone who takes the time to read it all ::sigh::

Alright, i'll start at the beginning ... for those of you who haven't been in the ladies room and read most of it already. I've been w/ my bf for 5 wks now, and we started having sex on our one month anny. I went to see him last nite, and we did it again. It almost seems as if that's all our relationship is now ...

Just before i had to leave, we went for a walk down by the river. He was quiet all the way there, and he's never like that (think class clown type, they never shut up!). I asked him over and over what was wrong, and he told me that it was nothing or that he didn't know. When we sat down, i swear he looked like he was gonna cry (i think he has too much pride to cry in front of anyone, or admit that he ever has at all). He said that he thought sex was getting in the way and causing problems for us. I ended up crying because i'm so scared that i'll lose him The *only* reason i was ok w/ losing my virginity after only a month is because i've never felt like this for anyone ... or even close to it. Then he said he wasn't sure if he loved me or ever did ... That did it too. I was feeling mixed emotions of sad and angry. Not happy, to say the least ...

I got an email from him at 5am this morning before he went to work. He said he was upset, but he's sure he loves me now. I'm his first gf, so i could see how he'd be ... hmm confused or something, but it's just not fair to tell someone you love them, and then tell them that you weren't sure (I'm all for honesty, i want to know everything that he feels, but life is just not fair sometimes huh?). We agreed that we make each other happy, but is that enough? What else could there possible be? Sex isn't gonna happen, but now i feel weird everytime he touches me at all. He grabbed my butt last nite (he has this thing w/ my a**, i dunno) and i totally freaked out on him, and i don't even know why, it just happened ...

And, there's another twist to this whole thing. I have this really close friend, who i call my brother, and i told him last nite what had happened (sex). He got mad at me for not telling him and for having sex so soon. Plus, his gf had a thing for my bf at the beginning of summer, and he turned her down. She still has feelings for him tho, she told me. I dunno what to do She will absolutely freak if she finds out whats been going on. My friend said that she will beat him senseless, because i'm 3 yrs younger than him (we're still legal) and she still thinks that he pushed me to go out w/ him, and now sleep w/ him too (if she finds that out). I don't like talking about this to her because i know she still has feelings for my bf. BUT, she has a bf now too, and i don't wanna get into it because i don't want to break them up, they seem happy enough right now.

Grr, sorry this is long, i had to get it all out somewhere. I'm going to visit my mommy tomorrow nite, so i can tell her all this too. It's so bad ... very very bad. My bf and i have finally hit a bump in the road (also known as sex) and i've just come b/w my bf and his friend who have known each other long than i've known either of them Someone please give me some advice ... or at least tell me that you understand what i'm going thro, before i go crazy

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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The first thing you're going to do Smurf (and no excuses) is stop being so hard on yourself, okay? I mean it. Knock it off.

I'm inclined to tell you that all your life balancing sex in relationships will be an issue no matter when you start having it, and even when you AREN'T having it at all, if your relationship is a romantic or sexual one. That isn't because anyone screwed up, moved too fast or waited too long, or because you aren't emotionally mature, okay? It's because sex (and not just intercourse) is very complicated, and often vvery difficult to negotiate and manage.

So, let's start there, and really, the best place to start in your case is to let go of your feelinbgs of regret about when you had sex, because not only can you not undo that, had you waited say, six months, a year, five years -- eventually, you'd be addressing this issue in your relationship regardless. It's simply part of life.

How about you and your boyfriend talking about WHY you feel sex is making you miserable (and I think talking to everyone and their uncle about this right now may make you only more confused and upset, frankly)? Is it because one or both of you isn't making your limits, wants and needs clear? Is it because one or both of you is having a hard time saying no when you'd rather just be on a walk? Is it because adding a sexual element to your relationship adds a pressure you're not sure how to manage?

Basically, questions like these -- rather than something nonspecific, like sex just ruining your relationship -- are the best ones to be asking, because "sex" doesn't exist as something outside of us. In other words, sex can't ruin a relationship, but the sex we're having or not, or the way we're dealing with it or not, can. Make sense?

You know, you've been posting here for a while, and I know you're a smart cookie and you're very sensitive and very honest. I have every confidence you can look deep for the real answers, address them, and work with your partner to come to agreements, limits and negotiations that will make you both happy.

Good luck, honey.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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to add to what Miz S just said, why are you so worried about what this girl thinks and says about the relationship? she likes your man right?? so you can expect some negative words from her (well...i'm kinda stereotyping females).

point is she's not part of that relationship...WHO CARES WHAT SHE SAYS!

~*GoDdEsS oF lOvE aNd BeAuTy*~

JaMeS & DoReEn 4eVeR

Posts: 269 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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imho, i gotta advise against celebrating so-called red-letter days by losing one's virginity. not prom, not a year, not a birthday. no no no no no. (only a wedding night, if one is so inclined, other than that, i'm against it).

i'm sorry you're feeling down, smurf. if your boyfriend is having problems dealing with a sexual relationship, then don't have a sexual relationship. it's not too late to stop. you can wait again for when you're both *really* ready.

until then, perk up. you had good intentions. you cared about him. that's what's important. if someone else liked your boyfriend and he turned them down, tough cookies for them, he picked you.

but imho, it seems the situation in terms of having sex is unfavorable. you know your most trusted friends won't take kindly to the whole idea, and even though it's really not their business, it bothers you. if it bothers you that much, then maybe you need to stop.

for now, comfort your boyfriend. if he doesn't want to have sex anymore, please respect that wish. until then, let him know it's okay (if it's not okay, then you have trouble). tell him that you still care about him regardless of whether you have sex or not (if this isn't true, then oh boy you REALLY got some probs!).

keep your head up, deary. stay smurfy!

if you get the molasses, i'll set up the trampoline.

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Thx for your replies guys!!

Mz S ~ Well we talked ... and now we know why it bothers us so much. For me, it's because i haven't been this close to anyone and i'm having those bad feelings that i thought were gone from when i was molested. Its weird how those feelings can just come back and stay w/ you forever at the drop of a hat. He said sex was bothering him so much because he's never been this close to anyone either ... not only physically but emotionally too (sex isn't just physical, so yeah). I was really upset when i talked to him about it because i couldn't find the right words ... He thinks it's his fault now and he feels bad cuz he thinks he brought these feelings back, but they were obviously not gone in the first place, just hiding. Anything i can tell him to see things from my point of view? Oh, and thank you for the copmliments hehe

deegurl ~ I'm so worried about what this girl says/thinks because she's my friend. I always care about what other people think of me .. for what reason, i dunno. Ever since i could talk, i've been looking for other peoples approval, and i'm just not finding it in this situation, from anyone. I know she's not part of the relationship, believe me But ... I don't like keeping secrets from people, it just bugs me. I had to tell my friend because i'm so close to him and he knows everything (well now he does) ...

GumdropGirl ~ First off, i have to say that your post made me laff hehe It's only 8am and i never thought i'd be able to laff this early in the morning!! My bf is not the only one having problems dealing w/ the sexual stuff, we both are. We have decided that sex is not the way to go right now, and we're gonna slow down a lot. Our relationship just isn't worth letting go of right now, not to either of us. Yes, i know it's none of my brothers (friends) business, but i don't like keeping secrets. I wouldn't stop because he thinks it's a bad idea, i just like knowing that i can talk to him about it w/o him flying off the handle at me. But things are good w/ us now ... I think. Okie i have to ask this, what does imho mean? I've seen it a few times now. Is it just gibberish? Stay smurfy? hehe You're TRYING to make my cereal milk come out my nose right?

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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[li'l sidenote: imho = in my humble opinion]


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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You know what smurfy, i know exactly the way u feel. i have felt that many many times before and its often a big insecurity in my life. But i realized.. u know this is my life.. this my decision, my boyfriend and i talked everything out.. and we talk about what things we like about eachother and all those things are so not related to sex, even though we moved very quikly.. and talking about it is what makes things ALOT better .. u probably noticed that. the thing i make sure i do.. is not be open with people about my sex life.. which i guess isnt totally good.. but i mean i figure its my own personal buissness and no one elses. so who cares what they say.. prove them wrong and stick with your man!


Posts: 111 | From: Toronto, ont,canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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As far as spreading details about your sex life goes:
How would you feel if he told all his friends?

I'm not saying that telling people is always bad - just think about what you're doing first.

As far as becoming fixated on sex goes, I know what you mean. To be honest, I don't think its entirely unusual either - you just ascribe a different priority to sex compared to some people is all.

Revile the faceless, silent masses;
For therein lies destruction of soul.

Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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