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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My uncertainty is making him angry....

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Author Topic: My uncertainty is making him angry....
RainbowChild
Neophyte
Member # 544

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I already wrote this in your form, but maybe its faster this way. A month is a long time to wait for email about this. If doing both causes any problems, I'm really really sorry. I don't mean to cause problems. Anyway, my problem:

My boyfriend(18) and I(15) have been dating for a year and 4 months. We have a good relationship. We talk to eachother and get along well. I'm happy with the way our relationship is now, but he isnt. Latly he's been talking a lot about moving to the next step, which would be sex, but I don't want to. I like how things are now, but he says he needs more. I don't think I'm ready for it. I say that because part of me is, but a bigger part says no. I'm scared of it. I'm not scared it will hurt or anything. I'm more scared he won't like me anymore, or that will be all he likes me for afterwards. I tell him this and it just ends up in a huge argument and him leaving mad at me. Every time we are together now he brings it up and every time I tell him I'm not ready, and it makes him furious. He says he loves me and wants to show me how much, but I am scared. Is that normal to be so scared of it??? Or am I just some freak who has no confidence in his love to me? He doesn't understand how I can't want him. I don't understand it either. I love him and I don't want this to ruin us. But I also don't want to have to have sex just to keep us together. Please help. What should I do?


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bettie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 78

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If you don't want to have sex with someone, you should trust your feelings. If your partner doesn't respect those feelings, I would seriously question your relationship. How do you think you will feel afterwards if you gave into his pressure? Will you like him more? Not very likely. I recommend that you stay strong and be true to yourself.
Posts: 1060 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
angelic-demon
Neophyte
Member # 278

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Trust your feelings. Relationships are based on respect and trust, and if your boyfriend doesnt respect your decision, than I would seriously rethink my relationship with him. I think that giving in to his presure would cause him to loose respect for you, and more importantly, it would cause you to loose respect for yourself.
Posts: 19 | From: Chicago | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mcb3
Activist
Member # 528

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First off, it seems like besides the whole sex issue, you and your boyfriend communicate and have a decent relationship. {{ You really didn't elaborate on the relationship part, so if you feel the need to...do so : ) }} A year and 4 months is a long time to be with somebody, but still, the pressure and frustration he gets from your uncertainty to have sex with him, is just immature and selfish. If he was in love with you and had any regard for your feelings on the subject, he would push any frustration he felt (which he shouldn't) aside and focus on you. You're not ready? Well, then so be it. Don't feel like you have to have sex with him, because I can almost guarantee you'll regret it. Someone who claims to love you and has strong feelings for you should respect the fact you may not be ready. And it's YOUR choice, and your choice alone. If whenever you're with him and he brings up repeatedly, "I think we should move to the next level" , that's unnecessary pestering and pushing on his part. He should understand that you feel things are fine the way they are, and if he doesn't, then you're much better off without him. And, I can definitely say that's hard thing to do, but you will most likely never benefit in a relationship where you feel you will disappoint your partner if you don't agree to their wishes (especially against your own will!) So, my advice to you is maybe you should sit him down, explain your feelings and if he seems still frustrated, disappointed, or even angry, you need to make your feelings perfectly clear. If he still doesn't understand, then it's going to be an awful big loss for him when he loses you. So, most importantly, if you have ANY doubts about pursuing the sexual side of your relationship and your heart is telling you it's not the right thing to do, it probably isn't..Just listen...
*Best of Luck*


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~Breanna

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 06-11-2002).]


Posts: 53 | From: San Francisco Bay Area, CA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lee
Activist
Member # 381

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Your boyfriend is being really immature.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I just don't understand, as a guy, why having sex with you would more important than his relationship with you. You can have sex with anyone at all, but the people you can have a good relationship with are few and far between. He really ought to know this.

If you don't feel you are ready to have sex then you shouldn't. Your boyfriend should understand this and not pressure you into doing it. It is normal for him to want to have sex with you, but it isn't a good sign if he continuously tries to get you to do it when he knows you don't want to. Its a sign that he cares more about his sex drive than he does about you. Get rid of him. Find yourself a guy who is actually going to love you, or at least care for you, instead of seeing you as a way to get laid.

Lee


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HotGrrl99
Activist
Member # 105

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In my experience, the sex issue usually comes up sooner or later. Most of the boys I've dated were dying to do it, and if I didn't eventually put out, it definitely led to an argument. Each guy is different, but very few seem to want to have a relationship without sex nowadays. (from my experiences)
Posts: 384 | From: Malibu, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Simply: anyone who is telling you how much they need to show you how much they love you with steam coming out of their ears clearly has no idea how to show you at all, and it is clearly less about loving you, and more about getting what they want.

We show love by caring and respect. A penis can do a whole lot of things, but express love -- without expression from the peron who owns it doing so -- it cannot.

Sex won't keep you together. It just doesn't do that. You're not being unreasonable, you're respecting your wants and needs, which he should be doing as well.

We all have hands, and if we're sexually frustrated, we can use them easily. That's not what partners are for.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pink_Lemonade_03
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If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it! It's illegal for you two to have sex and if he gets angry because you don't want to have sex with him then I think it's time to look for a new boyfriend because he's obviously not the kind of guy you want to hang around with.
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Beppie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 94

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Like everyone else has said, if you don't want to do it, that fine, and your boyfriend should respect that. I'd just like to add, that if he tries to tell you again that he needs it, he always has the option of masturbating, which won't run the risk of hurting anybody.
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smiley_chick
Neophyte
Member # 578

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if he says he needs to show how much he loves you by having sex with you he doesn't really understand love. if you have been with him a year and four months you must really care about each other guys wouldn't stick around that long just for sex. tell him you are unsure by disscussing it and bringing your worries into the open he is more likely to understand your feelings and let you wait until you feel ready ra5ther than you feeling pressurised to do whats right by him.

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em***


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Angelise
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RainbowChild,
My friend was put into a simiular situation.
She had only been going out with him for a few weeks, but it had gotten very serious. She had an instant connection with this guy. Well anyway, she was at his house and he started pushing the sex topic, and how much he'd really like to have sex with her. She didn't want to, she knew she wasn't ready. This went on for hours. She finally caved, and she said she totally regrets it. They brokw up afterwards. (he had only been using her) She was totally disgusted with her self, and hates knowing that she threw away her first time.

Well anyway, that's just a story if how you can regret something if you know your not ready yet.

Just follow your heart. Good luck.


Angelise

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"Smile...it makes people wonder what your thinking."
"Have you ever noticed people going slower that you are idiots, and everyone going faster than you are maniacs?"


Posts: 22 | From: Pa, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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