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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Him masterbating is making me feel like crap

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Author Topic: Him masterbating is making me feel like crap
spez14
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My boyfriend masterbates often and a lot of times he does it daily. This make anything i want to do a lot harder and it takes me forever to make him cum. Sometimes it doesn't even work. Especially if he did it that morning. Now is he masterbating because i'm not good enough? Is he addicted? He's masterbated since 7th grade and i was his first girlfriend and he was 17. So he's been pretty lonely. And what can i do to make it more pleasureable for him and make him cum. I think i suck at blow jobs or something! HELP!!!
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Equinox
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Since he's probably been having sex with himself longer than you've been having sex with him, it makes sense that he knows how to make himself reach orgasm better than you do. I doesn't necessarily mean that you are a terrible lover or that he's addicted to masturbation. It could just mean that you two are still a little inexperienced with each other. You have to find out from him what is pleasurable for him -- you should talk to him, ask him what he likes and doesn't like. And let him know how you feel about your sexual relationship. The better you get to know each other, the easier it will become for you to please each other.
Posts: 27 | From: Connecticut, U.S.A | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
spez14
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I try to do exactly what he tells me and what feels good but sometimes it still doesn't work. He can cum fine when we have sex and stuff but when it's any other way he can't. Does that mean it's me?
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Beppie
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I don't think it's you at all, nor do I think that his masturbation is the problem. Plenty of guys (I'd bet most ) masturbate when they're in a relationship. Possibly, the reason that he has trouble coming in situations where you're not having intercourse is due to him being uncomfortable, or maybe even because both of you are really anxious about it.

You're not a bad lover at all, I'm sure. Just take some time to relax, and experiment a bit. And if one thing doesn't work, then don't worry too much. There's always something else to try.


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Lee
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I doubt that him masturbating is the problem at all. You mentioned something about him doing it in the morning and that being a problem. I really doubt that is a problem. Unless you got there five minutes after he finished that is.

I masturbate myself. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I will do it 4 or 5 times a day when I'm not with someone and even more when I do have a girlfriend. Even so I don't have any problems enjoying myself with a girl or cumming when I do.

If anything the problem may be with your boyfriend. He may be having problems relaxing or something. It's hard to say since I don't know the guy.

I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just enjoy what you can and learn from each other as you go.

You never mentioned whether he does anything to make you feel good. Being a guy I consider making the girl I'm with feel good to be the only reason I'm really there. If I cum too that is fine, but her pleasure comes first. But I'm not obsessed with this and I'm not someone who thinks I have to "perform." I just take the time to pay attention to how she is doing and talk to her, asking her if what I'm doing feels good. To me sexual pleasure is a gift you give someone. I enjoy giving it because it makes the person I'm with happy.

Anyway, just have fun and don't take it so seriously. Sex is meant to be fun.

Lee


Posts: 175 | From: Tempe, AZ USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CuddlyBuns
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Exactly right, Lee!

Don't focus so much on orgams! Giving a blow job will feel good for him, even if he doesn't cum! So don't worry about it!

Prolly when you take a more realxed attitude towards the whole thing, he will come more easily, since you're not so focussed on it all the time! Just play and have fun!

And let him masturbate all he wants.... you should too! Or try doing it together, that's always a lot of fun! (race him.... see who can cum first! I love this game.....!)

YAY!


Posts: 17 | From: Amsterdam, NL, Netherlands | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
spez14
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OK i'm going to try to answer all these questions. Yes he does give me orgams and pleasures me. A LOT, he's really good at that. This problem frustrates him to and he thinks it's the masterbating but he can't stop. He says he's been doing it the same way for like 5-6 years and i don't do it the same as him so he doesn't get the same feeling. He thinks there is something medically wrong with him. He ever thinks he's gay. But lately i've been getting him to work really well and he doesn't feel he needs to masterbate that much anymore if at all. So did he just need to get used to me? Or do i just turn him off or something? Does anyone have any tips on what feels good?
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Heather
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Now I'm confused: what does any of this have to do with him thinking he's gay? There is no correlation between sexual orientation and masturbation.

...and no one can give you tips on pleasing your boyfriend unless they've been with him, honey. You could go nuts trying everything that other people's boyfriends like, but in the long run, you'd come back around to the real issue: he, and you, need to figure out what is up with you guys yourselves.

People masturbate because it's natural,, it feels good, and it is what they have done the longest. In general too, no one else can usually please you like you please yourself: that's because it's your body, and no one else can get inside your head or know your body as well as you do. It isn't about it "being better than you," it's about it being different. People don't just masturbate because they're lonely, and most people start WELL before 7th grade.

If he wants to help you out, he could cut back a bit. If he really truly cannot control himself no matter what he WANTS to do (and he isn't just saying that), then he has a compulsive behavior that he needs to address, and a therapist is going to be of more help then we or you are.

Honestly, though, I'd be willing to bet that if your conversations with him have been like your posts, he may be making some exciuses because he's feeling like he has to defend himself, which he really shouldn't have to do.

Any sex shouldn't be about orgasm, or finsihing the act, it should be about the act itself. It's process, not product, and if the process isn't enjoyable, just don't do it. Really. We shouldn't be doing sex in a way that it becomes a challenge or a conquest, or use it as something to make ourselves feel we have "mastered" something or someone. Does that make sense to you? Do you see where I'm going with this?

All in all, though, these are all questions that HE can answer better than anyone here can.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
spez14
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I understand what all of you are saying. And me and my boyfriend do kinda talk about this a lot. He thinks he doen't work and i just think i'm doing a horrible job. When we do have sex and experiment with a little foreplay it's great. I guess if he doesn't cum he doesn't cum. So is everyone trying to tell me that masterbating has nothing to do with it? That's really the answer i was looking for in this whole jumbled mess. I just feel kinda bad cuz he knows exactly what turns me on and i don't have any idea what turns him on and i don't think he does either. I shouldn't feel bad then?
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Heather
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You shouldn't feel bad at all, sugar.

Things aren't usually instantaneous when it comes to learning about someone else's sexual responses, and as well, those sexual response cues rarely stay the same. For instance, what turns you on now will probably NOT be what turns you on five years from now, or even one year from now.

A lot of masturbation can make it harder for him to ejaculate, just like a lot of sex would. If he cut down a bit, it might help. But if he just feels he can't, as I said before, that's a compulsivity issue (that probably shows itself in things in his life outside masturbation) and it's best dealt with by a therapist. IF that's really the case.

But for right now (if that isn't the case) I think the best thing would be for you to stop worrying about it, especially in regards to your own performance, because all else aside, it isn't you, unless you're just putting so much pressure on HIM to perform, that it's making him wiggy.


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wear*a*smile!
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it doesn't mean that your' not good enough, that he doesn't like u or anything like that. he's been masturbating probably before u even knew what sex was!j/k. well, anyway, he has gotten to know himself and has explored himself in some ways that a woman just can't do. u said when u were having sex it was fine, so whats the problem here? all i'm saying is that i don't think it sounds like he thinks your "bad".
p.s. smile!

Posts: 139 | From: San Ramon, California, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
spez14
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I guess i'm just afraid he's not getting anything out of it. But he doesn't always cum when something feels good, right? I'm afraid he's not finishing and i'm the only one reaching orgasm. Maybe this isn't even a big deal.
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