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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Do all roads lead to marriage? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Do all roads lead to marriage?
Shannon
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What do you all think? Is that the goal for you eventually - to become married? Why or why not?
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HotGrrl99
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I think marriage and kids are very important. My mom has friends in their 30s and 40s who just concentrated on their careers and never found a husband or had kids, and they are like sooo depressed and miserable! One is even gonna get artificial insemination so she can have a baby! I want to be married by no later than like 25.
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Shannon
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But don't you think they're miserable for other reasons then just lack of marriage? Like the fact that they sound like workaholics? I don't think if you're unhappy you should count on marriage making you happy - it has to do with so many more things! And marriage can bring on more problems and complications if you don't have your own self figured out.
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Hanne
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Hi, all --

I've been married, and honestly, being married is not a cure-all for anything. If you aren't happy being who you are, you won't be any happier just because you're in a relationship. In fact, it can suck worse if you're in a serious relationship or married and you're trying to deal with someone else at the same time as you're trying to figure out your own issues and get your own life on track.

I'm not anti-marriage. I live with my partner of four years, and recently I asked him to marry me... we'll get around to it one of these days. But I definitely do think that many people get married for the wrong reasons, or use marriage and/or children as an attempt to fix things that they feel are wrong in their lives.

Think of it this way -- there's only one thing you can do when you're married that you can't do when you're unmarried, and that's getting a divorce. You can have an amazing life without getting married. You can have wonderful committed relationships without getting married. You can have a great career, a great social life, a great house, and everything else you want, including children if you want them, without getting married.

The only reason to get married is that you find yourself in a position in your life where you are happy with yourself and happy with your relationship with your partner and you decide you want to formalize that relationship by having a ceremony and making it a legal contract as well as having it still be a wonderful stable friendship and lovership. That's the bottom line. Being married doesn't magically change anything except your tax status.

Take it from one who's been there.

------------------
Hanne Blank
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"Be Excellent To Each Other" -- Bill and Ted


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Shannon
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Well ... unless you're a Christian (or another religion) and you'd like to save a lot of the above mentioned until you are married.

But I still agree, if you're not happy, marriage isn't the magical solution.


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Beppie
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I don't see the need to ever marry in the legal sense, really. I can see myself spending my life with a partner, but the only reason I can see to get married would be if my partner was a citizen of another country- so that each could have residency in the country of the other. Otherwise, I figure that there are better things to spend the money on.

Of course I don't have anything against people marrying if they want to, but I do think it's silly when someone gets married for the sake of being married rather than for love. In my opinion, a couple who married out of fear of not being married rather than love, are in truth less married than a couple who love each other completely, even if that couple has not had any official ceremony.

As for a long-term partner, I'm not going to say that I want to find him by a certain date- you can't force these things, and I figure that when/if it happens, it will happen. I would also prefer to be single for the rest of my life than to be with a man that I didn't really care for. The first option would be lonely, but the second option would be even moreso.


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HotGrrl99
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Well maybe some girls can be happy alone, but I just can't see myself growing old alone and being all by myself without having a husband, children and a family. Maybe it's my maternal instincts or something, but I have been thinking about children and babies since I was really young! I just love seeing families with little children. I don't think anything else in life could ever equal it, at least not for me.
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Shannon
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Oh, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting or eventually having that stuff, Hotgrrl. I just think that if someone thinks it's going to be the be all and end all to their happiness - code red! There is nothing like marriage - I love it! But I don't think it necessarily makes life easier or happier, just different.
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Heather
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I'll pipe in here, since my own experience is a bit unique.

I grew up being told by both my parents that marriage certainly was NOT a blissful state in the abstract, nor did it make things perfect. Between that, and being a very independent spirit, I've never had that feeling that I wanted to be "married" in terms of the state itself, apart from someone in particular. Even then, when I wanted to be with someone in particular on a committed basis, marriage seemed like something ADDITIONAL I could do; not something that made the commitment, the commitment was already there.

All that said, I've had numerous sex partners, and several steady long-term relationships. Over the past decade, I'd had a friend who was mainly a very, very close friend, and occasionally a lover as well. Imagine my surprise a year and a half ago when on one of his visits, as he went to get in his car and drive home, I was smacked upside the head with the intense and certain gut feeling that I should -- and truly wanted to -- marry this person, and just hadn't seen him right under my nose for close to ten years. Needless to say, I was stupified, not expecting it, but in the long run, I think that's the best way for it to happen if it's going to happen, dizzying as that is.

Needless to say, my family, upside-down as usual (and I love them for it) instead of saying, "Finally you're married!" kept saying, "Honey, are you sure you really need to do this?"

The point is, I agree with Hanne and Beppie. I think marriage, like many things, has absolutely no meaning in the abstract. A "relationship" can mean anything and nothing: what defines it is what it is between us, who we each are, and what it means to us. Marriage has meaning when it's attached to someone in particular with whom you already have a long-standing and excellent relationship. If you use it (or any relationship) to try and fill a chasm in yourself that only you can fill, or use it as a substitute for self-love or confidence, it's bound to fail and leave you unhappy. The only person who can guarantee your happiness is you.

By the way, Hot, if I'd have married who I was with at 25 (who is now one of my best friends, so he certainly wouldn't have been awful, just the wrong person) simply because I was worried about missing some important aspect of my life, the truth is, in doing so, I'd have locked myself into doing just that.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited June 18, 2000).]


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wear*a*smile!
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well, i definately know i want to be married. i don't think it will solve all of lifes problems or make me live the hapiest life ever. it won't i know that. but i think its just nice to have someone who u hopeu can spend the rest of ur life with. my parents are divorced, so i try not to picture growing old and dying with my husband. marriage should be taken one step at a time. one day at a time, i mean. i wnat to have kids, maybe 3, to boys and one girl. i spend my life planning all this stuff out, its fun to do. marriage is a big thing and shouldn't be taken lightly. so i'll do it when i'm ready. hopefully by 26 or 27.

wear*a*smile
PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!!


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niceeyes2000
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Hey!!
I'd like to think that my boyfriend and I will get married someday, we're just not going to rush into things. I have a very good friend who recently got married. Her parents begged her to wait, but she wouldn't. They've only been married 2 1/2 weeks, but she's already regretting it. Only now does she realize that she married a spoiled mama's boy! She realized AFTER they were married that she really didn't know him at all! So don't rush into anything. I know I won't!

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HotGrrl99
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Wow, a lot of you people have a really bleak view of marriage! Well, I guess it's because like 50% of all marriages fail today... but what is the alternative? You could live with a guy and have kids, but then your kids would be illegitimate. You could just go from guy to guy or stay alone, but that would totally suck! What is the alternative???
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Heather
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I don't think anyone is saying NOT to get married.

I think, rather, what most people have said is not to get too caught up in the IDEA of marriage, rather than the reality. Marriage can be great...when it happens because you've been with someone for some time and begin to create a life together. It's marriage for marriage's sake that most posters seem to be opposing (and I among them).

Please, also, don't put a stigma on children born out of marriage. That is a truly outdated way of thinking, and one that has done real harm to a lot of kids over the years.

Also, I don't think discounting solitary life is necessary either. for you, that may suck, but for someone else, it may be absolutely perfect. Ever seen a picture of a Buddhist nun? They glow, I tell you.

All of us have different personalities, needs and lives, and ultimately, the best choice is simply the one that's right for us. No one else can judge that.


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angelic-demon
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I agree with HotGrrl in that I would like to be married someday, but people make way too big of a deal about marrige! Because I have been in a relationship with the same guy for about two years, friends, family, people I have just met often ask me "So, are you going to get married?" It really freaks me out because I am only 18, and have never really thought seriously about being married. I think that this attitude of "they have been going out for over a year, therefor they must get married" is responsible for people rushing into marrige without thinking of it, then getting divorced.

I am also amused because people who are horrified at the thought of teen pregnancy have no problem with encourageing teenagers and young adults like myself to get married before they are ready.


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Pink_Lemonade_03
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Ever since I was little I dreamt about getting married and having children so it's very important to me!
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DubSummer
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I think when some people to get married they find out its not really much. I mean sure you have been in a relationship for so many years and now yay! you get married. But its about joint checking accounts and doing taxes together. Not much of a real difference of people living together except what pressure you put into it. In this day in age you can't even say that when you marry a person that you will love them forever, right now its more like I feel I could love you forever right now. 1 out of 2 work and I know the ones that have stayed together married for so many years say that it is no fantasy...and some of them have been on the brick of divorce. For me if I meet the right person I might get married. But if it doesn't happen I am not gonna kill myself because of it.


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Heather
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Dub,
I think that's a healthy approach.

But I also think that for some people, it can mean more, and in truth, that's when they let go of the "forevers" and care more about being with their partner in the day to day, every day.


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Lindsay
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I happen to really agree with Dub on my views on marriage...if I find someone some day, I will get married, if I don't, I won't get upset over it. If I do end up getting married, I don't want it to be until I'm in my mid 30's or so...I want a chance to know more as far as sex and relationships go, before I'm with one person for the long run. Besides, I want time to be able to build my career and various other things before I get married. And yes, someday I want a child, but like someone mentioned...you don't need a husband for that. There is nothing wrong with children born outside of marriage-and it is a outdated view that the children born out of marriage will grow up horrible, and their parents are sinning, whatever...I know a lot of people who have grown up in single parent households, and they're all really great people...sometimes, I think that a single parent household is better for kids to grow up in.

As far as marriage for ME goes, well, I do have a boyfriend of almost a year, but he's older than me and in college (he's 18 and I'm 16), so we obviously have different lifestyles...and honestly, I love him, but can't see myself married to him in 10 years. I wouldn't WANT to be married to him in 10 years, not that I don't love him, but I want a chance to be around more, in more relationships, I think then you can do better with the person who you do decide to get married to.

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"Who's the king of your satellite castle?"- Dave Matthews Band


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Amit
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i must disagree with you all.
this site maybe about sex... and sex is great.
but noone wants to grow old alone.
i feel, that if i'll go through the age of 40 without a wife,i've missed a portion of my life.
everyone wants to get married, to have someone who'll stick by you no matter what.
i hope that i'll have someone like that, and that each of you will be so lucky to have one aswell.

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Heather
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You know, Amit, that isn't what everyone wants. It's what some people want, but it isn't what everyone wants. Assuming everyone wants the same things out of life is truly assuming too much, and when we do that, we risk keeping others from realizing their own desires and joys.

Some people, for instance, cannot legally get married. Some are happier with more than one life partner, and some with more casual partners. Other people feel that their partner, as it were, or their mission in life isn't their family life, but is the work that they do. Others still prefer partnered relationships that aren't romantic or sexual, but instead feel their closest friend, or friends, are their partners and families. Some people do have life partners, but then they die, and they choose not to take another for any number of reasons, and are still happy and feel complete.

And if for anyone, they feel happy, fulfilled and able to live their lives to what they perceive is the fullest, then they haven't missed out on a single thing.

I hope that everyone finds WHATEVER it is out there that makes their life seem whole, happy and complete, and that they can do so no matter what that person or thing is, and do so without a din reverberating in their ears telling them that what makes them happy isn't as good as what makes someone else happy.


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Dzuunmod
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So, I'll speak up on marriage, now. This has been the source of a fair bit of conflict between my girlfriend and I. She wants to get married, but I've no desire to at all. I love her, and we've talked about how we want to be together forever, and I think that should be that. If she loves me and trusts me, and believes me, then why do we need approval of our relationship? She says that although she believes me and trusts me, etc. she feels like it could still be a decision made lightly on my part, to leave her, if I ever wanted to. Basically, I don't think that any government should be in the business of recognizing relationships. If it's a religious thing, then that's fine for some people, but she and I are both atheists. I just don't understand where society gets off telling some people that their form of love is acceptable, while others' is not.
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Dzuunmod
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Thanks Starpoet. I see where you're coming from, but perhaps there are some things that I could have mentioned, but didn't, because almost all of my posts have been pretty lengthy and I was trying to keep this one short.
Anyway, then, here's the rest. I'm not so anti-marriage that the right person wouldn't make me change my mind. If someone that I truly loved (as I do my girlfriend) absolutely wanted to be married, and everything else about that person seemed perfect, well, I'd get married. It's not such a big deal, I mean, people have to be willing to make at least a few concessions when they fall in love, right? It's not like I'm afraid of committment, or anything, I just disagree with the whole idea. But, if it's important to my partner, than I'll go through with it. My girlfriend says she feels the same way -- if her partner absolutely didn't want to be married, then she would be content to live an unmarried life. I agree with you that things have to be done to protect two (or more) people who choose to live together and and love one another, but I don't think that it is the government's place to get involved. If people want to take on the responsibility of a major relationship with someone, they should be expected to take all the precautions necessary. In siding against marriage, I'm not saying that I have a beef with responsibility, I just think that love and committment should be between the partners in the relationship, and not the government. If a couple wants to get lawyers involved to draw up some sort of pre-nuptual agreement to protect the individuals, great (and I wouldn't be against that for my girlfriend and I). What I have the problem with, is the government looking at households and saying, "...this man and woman are in love, and we recognize that. However, this group of people (or this man and man, this woman and woman...) are not, and we refuse to give them our approval."
We (she and I) disagree for the moment, on kids, too. Most of our friends tell us that we're doomed, and maybe we are, but I'm still not convinced. There's one place, however, where I disagree with you. I think that people often change their minds about these things. I'm not even finished my schooling yet, I don't know where I'll be in three years, let alone whether I'll be able to afford children or even want them. I really think that in many ways, young people are pretty scattered, and don't really know what they want, and that I'm no different.

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Heather
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Excellent post, Dzuun.
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Sallynha
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i never thought i wanted to get married and have my own children before i started my first real-love relationship. before, i would say i'd adopt a kid, as there are so many kids without a proper home...but didn't even think i'd get married... now, i truly love my boyfriend and we talk a lot about marriage and that kind of thing, and we've both expressed our feelings towards it, and they are, we wanna get married someday, when we have a steady job and money, and we wanna have our own kids. now i dont think about adopting anymore, as i love him so much i want him to give me a baby one day... and i dont have any doubt i wanna get married...
i think if you marry for the right reasons, and after you know really well who you're maarrying to, and you're sure that's who you wanna be with, marriage can indeed be a perfect experience.
i cant wait to have gone thru uni and find a job so we can move in together... but that's just my dream...!

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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~Sallynha~~~~
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wear*a*smile!
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my parents were'nt married when i was born. and they aren't now. my parents were engaged. they called off the marriage and my mom has a boyfriend and my dad is married. i'm not a bastard or a flowerchild or whatever people like to call kids who's parents aren't married. i still see my dad like once ever 2 weeks, and i have 2 familys which i love and see all the time. i love my brother and sister(politically correct:half brothers and sisters, but i love them and they r really my brother and sister) so much and i love my family. marriage is a great thing, and it shouldn't be rushed. everyone has different lives and different views. and whoever thinks that kids out of marriage is wrong or bad or whatever, thats your opionion, not everyone elses.
p.s. wear a smile

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Mophead
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Great posts, guys.
I personally don't see myself ever getting married or having children. To me, that is a torture I could never fathom. But I respect other people's decisions to marry.

If I were with a guy whom I really, really, really loved, (really really really) and he wanted to marry, I might consider it, but I'd probably end up with another guy. All I've really seen of marriage is basically hell. And having kids is worse.

Some people enjoy being with children. Some people enjoy being strung up by their nipples, and whipped. I respect that.


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Equinox
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Hmmmmm....It is very interesting to read how people view marriage.

I feel that marriage simply describes the status of a couple's relationship. I define being married as meaning that two people are so are in love that they are committed to each other, that if you do something to one of them it in fact affects both of them...they are almost like "one" person. Getting married is a way to let your mate know, as well their family, your family, your friends, and even total strangers know, that you two are seriously involved. It does not mean you have to share bank accounts (my married parents have separate accounts, but split the bills) or that you have to give up half of what you own if things go wrong. It does not mean either that everything will be perfect...I mean come on, what relationship is? Unmarried but serious couples have many of the same issues that married couples do. The difference is that married couples made an official vow to love and to cherish each other.

I don't think that getting married is really something you can say you will do by a certain age or never do in your entire lifetime. Not unless you are pyschic and can predict when (or if at all) you will be lucky enough to find someone that special!


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HotGrrl99
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Well, people have to realize that marriage or living agreements don't mean that much if the other person turns out to be a total creep. I know a girl who got married at 20 and had 3 kids. At 25, her husband just said that he "had it" and was sick and tired of being married, and just took off! She tried to get him to pay alimony and child support, but the A-hole quit his job, changed his name, left the state, and ran off with some 18 year old topless dancer bimbo! Now this girl had to move back into her parents house with the kids, and go on welfare! So even marriage has no real guarantee of working out!
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Shannon
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I just wrote a journal entry that I think is really relevant to this thread ... if anyone is interested!

You all really seem to have some good thoughts about marriage. It's encouraging to see.

I just noticed the words don't underline. But I linked "journal entry" to the page if you click on it.

[This message has been edited by Shannon (edited 02 July 2000).]


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Lady Moonlight
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I've been reading this topic with great interest, and I'd just like to add my own two cents.

Somewhere in my childhood and teens I got the idea that if I wasn't engaged by the time I finished college and married shortly after graduation then I somehow wasn't a "whole person." So I fell head-over-heels in love at age 19 with the first guy I had sex with and married him at 22. Yikes! Big mistake! We were married for 3 years and I was miserable for the last 2 1/2. I'm just glad we didn't have any kids (although I really hope to have kids someday, but I think he'd be a lousy father).

I think a lot of my problem was that I had this whole plan for my life in my head, and when the guy came along I just sort of blindly tried to make him fit, without taking a clear look at what sort of person he was or how compatible we were. Unfortunately, the end result was a lot of pain for both of us.

Now it's almost 4 years later, though, and I've learned a lot. My current guy and I have been together for a year and we care for each other a lot, while still recognizing that we're not compatible enough to ever get married.

So I guess what I'm saying is, please, please don't think you have to be married, in any sense, to be happy. What matters is that you like yourself, have a good support system, whether it be friends, family, or whatever, and are generally happy with the way your life is going. Then if the right person comes along and you realize that being with him or her makes life even more perfect, go for it!


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AbercrombieBabe
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Well someday I wanna get married to my boyfriend but we're not gonna rush into things, I mean why should we, we're still kids!! I've seen too many marriages go down the drain b/c they rushed into things b4 thinking and now all of those ppl are either divorced or still in the marriage and very miserable and I don't wanna turn out like that! But yeah, in the future I would love to get married and have children, I think thats every girls dream!

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aNgElA

~*~iT tAkeS a MiNuTe tO HaVe a CrUsH oN sOmEoNe, An hOuR tO LiKe tHeM, a DaY tO lOvE sOmEoNe, BuT iT tAkEs a LiFeTiMe To FoRgEt SoMeOnE~*~

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Heather
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I don't know about it being every girls dream. It was never mine. I mean, I figured if it was something that I one day felt would be a good idea because the person I was with and I felt it was important, great. But otherwise, you can have children without being married. You can be married without having children. You can have a partnership that is wonderful without either, which is something I was always prepared for, because being bisexual, I had NO idea if when my life partner came along they would be male or female.

But growing up, my dreams were really of other things. My varied relationships have nearly always been wonderful, but I saw them as just one part of my life as a whole, not as a meaans to an end.


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momma cat
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I don't understand why people think you have to wait until your done with school to get married. I would be thrilled to spend my last year or two of college married-I'd have a home to go home to, someone who loved me who'd be interested in how my day went, comfort me when things aren't going right, etc. It wouldn't be perfect, but what is different about spending a day at school and coming home to each other, or spending a day at work and coming home to each other?
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Lady Moonlight
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quote:
Originally posted by momma cat:
I don't understand why people think you have to wait until your done with school to get married. I would be thrilled to spend my last year or two of college married-I'd have a home to go home to, someone who loved me who'd be interested in how my day went, comfort me when things aren't going right, etc. It wouldn't be perfect, but what is different about spending a day at school and coming home to each other, or spending a day at work and coming home to each other?

Coming home to somebody who cared how my day went was great, but it was my roommate and best friend, not my boyfriend or spouse.

Anyhow, I think the most logical reason for not getting married in college is that it's a time when people go through a lot of changes in a very short time, and the couple who might have been perfect for each other at age 18 might be a terrible match when they're both 21. Of course, some folks are lucky, but why take the chance? You've got years to get married, and if the person is really "right" for you your relationship will survive waiting until you're both graduated.


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ANNEN
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My goal in life is not to get married. I don't believe that marriage is for everyone. There are some people out there that could just not handle a serious relationship. Having a husband and kids is not as important to me as fulfilling my dreams. I think doing something that I love, like working with animals, is more important than getting married. The way I see it is that as long as you are happy with your life, married or not, that's all that counts.
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