Hi! I really enjoyed this article. It helped me keep a clear head about the issues I'm dealing with in my relationship right now.
My only complaint is in the second page:
"A boyfriend or partner who was once very loyal may seem to suddenly be looking at more people passing by than he used to, because a steady relationship makes him feel "penned in" in a sense. All of this is normal."
I was really disturbed by the need, all of a sudden, to use gender-specific language. If you're going to reassure us ogling is normal or predictable, please make it seem normal for women, too!
I just finished reading your 'Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul' and had a few questions/comments.
Specifically: "It's no fair to demand or insist on sex or a type of sex from anyone, and expect that just because they agreed to be our partner, they should comply"
Maybe I'm off base here but I feel that it is something that is expected of our partner. If a couple disagrees on this would you recommend just splitting up? Any advice for trying to negotiate an amenable solution to sexual woes? Quite honestly, if I wanted to masturbate to fulfill the majority of my sexual needs I'd stay single and just form platonic relationships and rely on 'booty calls' untill I'm too old and wrinkled to give a damn anymore.
I think it is a fair statement. Just because my fiancé enjoying performing oral sex on me, doesn't not necessarily automatically mean that I enjoy performing oral sex on him- but this is something we've discussed and compromised on. We're a partnership, not a kris kringle gift exchange- he wants me to feel comfortable and happy, and I want to make sure he doesn't feel neglected.
Edited to add: If we hadn't reached a solution, and it got to the point where he was demanding I perform oral sex, then I definitely wouldn't be set to marry this person. I think it's unfair and unhealthy to keep yourself in a relationship in which someone is making demands you're not willing to meet, or coercing you into activities you don't feel comfortable doing.
[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 06-02-2003).]
quote:Maybe I'm off base here but I feel that it is something that is expected of our partner.
Well, no. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that they agree to provide sex-on-demand from then on, regardless of whether they want it or not. A boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is just that, not a servant or an animated sex doll.
People may go into a relationship expecting to have sex - when they both want it.
Yes, it can be difficult if a couple experience very different levels of desire, but in order to actually communicate and try to find a solution that works for both of you, you have to start by recognizing that nobody "owes" sex to anyone else.
quote:Quite honestly, if I wanted to masturbate to fulfill the majority of my sexual needs I'd stay single and just form platonic relationships and rely on 'booty calls' untill I'm too old and wrinkled to give a damn anymore.
Frankly, if the only reason you're in a particular relationship is to provide an alternative to masturbation, and you're not getting that, then you might as well break up.
And you might also want to think about whether a relationship of any sort (as opposed to "booty calls") is actually what you want right now.
There's nothing wrong with choosing to stay single or having casual sex (as long as you're responsible and safe). But a partner in a relationship should not just be a tool for "fulfilling your sexual needs".
To quantify my earlier post, I don't want to sound like I'm condoning 'sex on demand'. I have no issue with just not being in the mood etc. I take more of an issue with the fact that sex and a committed relationship are somehow mutually exclusive. While one may not guarantee the other I believe that it is one of the fundamentals of a relationship. It would be different if there was some kind of illness or other heath issue. But to say that sex isn't a factor in a relationship is just ludicrus to me.
Wobbly, what kind of compromise were you able to reach?
I would agree that sexual compatibility is something which is extremely important in some relationships. However, the point the article was trying to stress was that should you already be in a relationship, sex or any form of sexual activity should not be demanded of.
Honestly, if I had a partner who was totally not interested in sex while I am, I would have to rethink the relationship because it simply isn't what I want out of a relationship. But does that mean I use the relationship as a bargaining tool for sex? Nope.
It should be understood that if you are in a relationship, there has to be or should already be ample communication on almost all aspects including sexual relations. And to go into one and then be upset that your partner is not willing to do what you want sexually and then go on to demand certain sexual favours as a right, just seems unreasonable to me.
Do note also that there are many happy and healthy relationships which manage to exist without sexual relations at all. It might sound impossible or ludicrous to you but it happens. There is no hard and fast rule as to what constitutes a relationship and what works for you and me might not work for others.
Excellent post Lin. I guess I'm just trying to argue hypothetically but still maintaining my own personal bias. Or maybe it's just personal frustration on my part as I am currenly in a relationship where I'm reaching the 'put out or get out' stage. Don't mind me though, its just Backed-up Willy talking.
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The compromise was pretty simple: I'd do something when I felt comfortable with it. Like the site says, there are plenty of other ways to give someone pleasure. As the relationship's gone on, I've found myself more comfortable with performing oral sex on my own terms. Really, all it needed was patience and understanding, nothing more.
Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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This (disconnecting sexual desires....well, there it's more of a disconnect of drives or one-sided attraction) is something we hear about a bit at AVEN. I, for one, could NEVER have any part in oral sex or hand-sex. Maybe maybe maybe if I was married I could submit to intercourse once like every 2 or 3 months (read: wifely duty). I'd prefer never ever ever though. The problem is, most people are sexual, not asexual. While I don't understand their wacky desire for all that sexual crap, it's there. So, I pretty much just date sexual people. That means telling them they have to be celibate because I don't want any. My last boyfriend said he'd be okay with that because he loves me (note that broken up doesn't mean we don't love each other, it means that being 250 miles apart totally sucks). I wouldn't really have a problem with my husband doing other women though. Who cares, right? It's just sex, it's nothing at all like love. They're totally different things. If he wants sex, I'd rather him find someone else for it than try to get me to play that game. Now, if his own conscience tells him it's wrong, that's his problem. I'm giving full permission to get all that physical crap out of the way elsewhere.
That's my version of a compromise because "sure, I'll lie back and do my wifely duty" sounds like a pretty damn bad idea.
Posts: 7 | From: DC | Registered: Nov 2006
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Communication is always the key to all elements of every relationship.
In every relationship that i have been in, I always addressed of how I felt towards sex, what my boundaries were, sexual history and etc. I wanted that to be upfront, so that my partners would know what to expect and to respect my choices. If these were not the same choices as my partner and went unrespected, there was no need to be together.
I have been through several relationships that had the same sexual views and othere that were complete opposite.
When my husband and I started dating five years ago, I was already not a virgin, and my husband was a virgin to begin with. Of course, we were very open with our sexual views, and he did have the same as mine. Eventually, he was ready to have sex with me. We knew that we were already compatiable with each other with all the other elements before having sex and with the sexual compatiablily included made our relationship grow more stronger and more romantic and serious as time went on. Five years later, we got married (this past May). We've been through sexual up and downs. We have sex when we both want to and respect eachother when one is not in the mood to make love.
I respect other couples who are in love and together as long they are open and honest with eachother with everything including sexual politics.
Another couple that we know have been together for just about 5 1/2 years have been engaged since June 05 (getting married in October 2007). They are in the LDR type of relationship. It's been like this throughout this whole time. However, they do sexual things but they do not participate in sexual intercourse. They want to save themselves for their wedding night to have sex. They have slept together in the same bed on several occasions, but still abide their joined decision to wait. They are basically at our age. They are as much in love as me and my husband are and love eachother very deeply.
So every relationship is different and have different outcomes on sexual choices. It's all about respect, understanding and patience. It makes the decision more appreciated and worthwhile!
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