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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Pre-Cum questio... again

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Author Topic: Pre-Cum questio... again
AlieeG
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Is it possible from pre cum to drip down your lower stomach and reach your vagina? I had on sweatpants,tights,and a pad (I was on the 4th day of my 6 day cycle) There was no direct genital to genital contact and my bottoms never came off. I know this might be a dumb question but I'm such a worrier :/
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Sam W
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Hi aligee,
We've already gone over what activities pose risk with you. So, you can either look at the previous thread, or take another look at this to answer your question: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/10/t/002611.html#000000


In previous threads, it sounded like you were not super comfortable engaging in sexual stuff. Are you still feeling that way?

[ 02-19-2014, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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AlieeG
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Me and my boyfriend have already talked about what can and can't be done but sometimes he starts to get carried away and I usually stop him but this time he kind of resisted it. Like I tried to make him stop but since he's stronger then me, I couldn't stop him until after he had rubbed pre cum on my lower stomach
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Sam W
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Ok, so that is not an OK thing for him to do. It isn't getting carried. If you push past a no, that's assault. A good partner will respect your boundaries and will not force their way past them. I am sorry that he did.

How would you feel about ceasing sexual contact with him entirely? And how are you feeling about your relationship outside of the sexual issues?

[ 02-19-2014, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Heather
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Just so you are clear, a person doing something sexually to someone else they do not want or say no to is a sexual assault. It is not about the person doing that getting "carried away," but about that person choosing to do, because they care more about what they want than anything else, what they know someone else does not want.

Sexual abuses or assaults aren't about the throes of passion: they are about someone just not caring about another person to afford them a very basic respect.

And when someone does anything like that, we need to know they are not safe for us to continue to be around, especially intimately.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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Well he apologized after it happened and since then we stopped everything
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Sam W
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While it's nice that he apologized, the fact that this is not the first time he has violated your stated boundary does not make me optimistic that he will keep his promise. And, it sounds like that in instances before this one he was still trying to push past your boundaries, which sounds to me like he is more concerned with his own desires than with your comfort and needs.

I know that is hard to hear, but from how you've described him, he doesn't sound like a safe person for you.

I am glad that you've decided to stop any sexual contact. If you haven't already, I think you need to read these pieces:
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[ 02-19-2014, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Heather
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Also, please help yourself out here by knowing things like this are not things that "happen." This is not an "it happened," but a "he chose to do this."

It is not an accident to keep doing something sexual after someone tells you to stop, or to do something sexual you know someone does not want you to do. It is an on purpose.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I want to also propose to you that you consider why you have had a pattern of feeling so unable to set or voice limits with this person.

Do you think it is possible it is because you know he will not honor them, and that you have good reasons to feel fearful with this person? I am certainly seeing plenty of those good reasons, and lots of times, when we feel scared to do basic things with someone - like telling them not to touch us in ways we are not okay with, or not to do things to us we do not want - it is, in fact, because that person or the way they behave with us IS scary.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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He's never done anything like this before and he's apologizing everyday because of that and he doesn't really touch me anymore, like he barely hugs me now
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Heather
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In our previous conversation with you before this thread, we had already talked with you about similar things, so I am not sure I understand your feeling now that he has never done anything like this before, or that this is a new issue?

You have also oreviously expressed a fear of making him angry with you, and feeling like it was difficult for you to express and hold limits with him. So, again, I am feeling confused.

We know, by the way, that facing things like this is really difficult, and that it is never fun, to say the least, to come to terms with the fact that someone we care about, or feel attracted to, may not be safe. We understand that that can be very challenging and difficult to accept.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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Yeah I know that it may seem like I'm trying to cover things up or making myself think it's normal when it's not, but our communication has gotten way better and I'm taking this situation as a way to tell myself that this is a warning sign of something that may or may not get worse
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Heather
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Well, it looks already like things have escalated, so it is important you know that usually means they will keep escalating, rather than some miracle turnaround happening somehow.

It is clear you do not want to keep feeling scared as you have been, and we also care about your safety. So, with situations like this, we have to advise based on our education of these dynamics and what a user is describing to us. And you are continuing to describe things that are not consensual or safe for you. It is our responsibility to advise any user in something that has been clearly unsafe to do what they can to get themselves out of that situation, rather than sticking in it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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Isn't there something that we can do to 'fix' things?
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Heather
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When a person is doing things to someone else sexually they are saying no to, it is not a we issue. Just like, say, someone walling up to you on the street and punching you in the face would not be a "we" issue unless you had literally asked them to do that to you.

The person who is being abused or assaulted can get away and stay away: that is something they usually have the ability to do, and the only thing that person can do we know, after a lot study on this, is effective at stopping the other person from further harming them. When you do not live with someone, are not sharing children with them, are not financially dependent on them, the big barriers to leaving that exist for some people are not there. Staying with someone you are afraid of in any way, who has shown they will do you harm or has shown they do not care about you much when they want something when you can go? That is not caring for yourself very much, and if you can't do that, then you can't have much of a shot at a healthy relationship period, you know?

A person who is sexually abusing or assaulting someone can do things, too, namely, they can seek out counseling to help them. That does not always work to change their ways of thinking and behaviors, in fact it often still makes no big permanent changes, but it is the only thing so far shown TO work, when it does. And with that kind of counseling, what the very first thing is that a counselor working with someone like that asks of them is that they leave any relationships where they already have any pattern of abuse or assault, because it is nigh unto impossible for someone to even have a chance of changing when they are still in anything where they have already established that pattern.

You know, in the previous conversation, I read you saying a lot about how hard it is for you to set limits and say no to sex you do not want or do not feel okay with. That may be just because of this guy, and the fact that he makes that hard, or you know it is not very meaningful to him.

But if it is not, if this is something hard for you period, then the thing to know is that you will need a partner who is EXTRA awesome about consent and hearing - and respecting - no; someone who always asks what you want and is always cool with what you don't. Someone you are never afraid of, including when you want to say something you think they will be bummed by, and always feel totally safe with, in every respect. If nothing else, it should be very clear this guy is very much not that person.

Can I ask if you feel like you do not deserve a partner like that? If the idea of a partner like that does not sound a whole lot better than this? If it does, why dig in with this, especially knowing you may be - are likely - putting yourself in danger, including of things you really do not want, like a pregnancy?

[ 02-19-2014, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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No I understand. I'll think about where this relationship is going and decide from there if it's better to just end things now
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Heather
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Btw, I think it might help if you went back and read through your last thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/54/t/000228/p/1.html#000000

You can see where you are talking about unprotected sex you did not want, how he has taken your concerns poorly, how afraid you voice feeling to do something as simple with this person - and it really should be pretty simple, with people we are not afraid of who we know respect us, it usually is - as nixing sex they want sometimes, and how he has "freaked out on you," and been very dismissive of your feelings. You can perhaps better see why your statement that this latest behaviour was something out of the ordinary confuses me.

Maybe see if you can't even read it imagining it was something your best friend was writing and you read. If so, what would you think? What would you tell her?

[ 02-19-2014, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AlieeG
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I understand:/ I'll talk to him about it
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Heather
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Personally, I would advise that what you first do is really spend some time talking to a friend about this, or that school nurse you mentioned you were going to talk to, then do some thinking on your own first.

Mostly, that is because talking to him is not likely to go any differently than it has so far. This is mostly going to be about your choices, and what you do for yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sam W
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While I think it's generous of you that to want to discuss this with him, I think you need to be prepared for him giving you similar answers or apologies to the ones he has previously given. And decide for yourself what you will do if he does so. And additionally, be very sure that this is a conversation you feel safe having.

If you get a chance, would you be willing to answer Heather's question about what you'd tell a friend in your position?

[ 02-19-2014, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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AlieeG
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Yeah okay. And if I knew a friend in this situation I'd tell her that they need to really talk about what they're doing and if she felt like things were getting worse to tel .someone what's going on and have tell her she should end the relationship and to help her feel safe if he showed any time of aggression
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Sam W
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I think that is sound advice to give. I would reiterate Heather's recommendation to talk with a friend and the school nurse, add their advice to what we've discussed here, and then weigh you options.

I know it might feel as though we are being harsh, or repeating ourselves, but believe me that you are not the first person to come to us with this kind of issue. And that's given us a sense of how the type of dynamic you're describing tends to play out, and what the best approaches to getting out of that dynamic are. That's why we're encouraging you to take time to work through this away from him.

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AlieeG
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I understand not everything is meant to be
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Molias
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It may help, too, to think about a relationship as something that can't just succeed because it's meant to. It takes effort and respect from everyone involved.
And when one person is being really clear through their actions that they aren't putting their care and respect into the equation, there really isn't anything the other person can do to make things work out.

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AlieeG
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My period is late but I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was due March 8-9 I took a pregnancy test March 6. I plan on taking another March 10
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Redskies
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There are lots of reasons why periods can come later than expected, including stress.

Do you feel clear that what you described at the start of this thread has no pregnancy risk at all? Is there any information you need that would help make that clearer for you?

How have things gone with this guy?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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