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Author Topic: Hitting
Kobalt
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Right. Sorry for starting yet another topic. But I feel like I need this.

It's just that my mom hit me again. She does it once in a while. She used to be really bad, hitting and yelling all the time while I was growing up for the smallest things. But now she only does it once in a while and I feel like every time she does I'm that kid she'd hit all the time all over again. It feels like it takes away everything I've done to try to grow up, to be a stronger person with my own opinions. It feels like I'm just a kid who'll always live to please other people at my own expense so I don't get hurt and I'm really scared of that. I don't want that. I want to live for myself and have my own opinions but when I do sometimes she'll hit me. And not a 'spanking' like blind rage slapping that I've always been afraid of.

I'm so scared and alone and confused right now, please help me. I feel like a panic attack is coming on and I don't know what to do.

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Robin Lee
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Kobalt,

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you and that you're feeling so alone. This is, indeed, very scary for you.

It's so very much not okay that your Mom is hitting you. Does anyone else know that she does this?

I know you had a bad experience with the Child Abuse hotline last time you called, but I'm wondering if you'd be willing to give them a call again? Usually, with hotlines, there are a variety of people who answer, so chances are good that you might not have to talk to the same person again. Reports of hitting are something that whoever answers should take very seriously.

The person you reached last time didn't listen to you, and that felt really awful. Do you think you can try again in the hopes of reaching a different person?

I'm really concerned about your safety, as well as your happiness, with you living with your Mom. Does your Dad know about any of this?

--------------------
Robin

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Kobalt
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My Dad knows. He says it's not okay to hit me.

But I don't know if the hotline will care. Especially here, I don't think hitting is taken very seriously.

And I don't think my Dad will be able to take care of me on his own. I really can't live with this fear anymore though.

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Robin Lee
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I do hear you on not feeling like you can handle living with that fear, and you shouldn't have to.

When was the last time you talked with your Dad about this? If it hasn't been recently, what do you think of talking to him again?

What do you mean by your Dad not being able to take care of you on his own?

--------------------
Robin

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Heather
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Ultimately, Kobalt, as we explain here -- http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now_a_guide_to_scarleteens_direct_services -- one thing we can't help much with is ongoing family abuse.

For help with that, the right people to see or contact are: A domestic or interpersonal violence shelter, and/or your local social services department or agency. You may also call the police, or go to any hospital emergency room and ask for help. You can use our find-a-doc database to look for local shelters and abuse/assault services. We *can* help with support around these issues once you are out of immediate danger, however, or help you find the appropriate help to get safe if you cannot find those shelters or services on your own.

Was that local resource I sent you previously not helpful to you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kobalt
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I'm never out of immediate danger and I feel scared a lot of the time around her, because even though she doesn't snap often, I never ever know when she will.

No, the last hotline wasn't very helpful. As I mentioned, the woman on the other end just brushed me off and told me that 'God would make things better'.

And I didn't bruise, so I don't think a hospital would be much help. Also here in Trinidad domestic violence isn't taken very seriously, I think. I don't know any domestic violence shelter that will take me.

Maybe I'll call my Dad and ask him what I should do. I'm just afraid he'll make me stay here because he is busy with work. -sigh-

Is there anywhere or anything that can actually help? My Mom yells at me and slaps me but not hard enough to bruise.

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Heather
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I', very upset to hear that was the response you got to reporting all the abuse in your family, now and previously. That resource is NOT listed as a religious organization (and was listed as one resource in your area which DOES take abuse seriously and is aiming to change the culture in that regard). [Frown]

Honestly, with abuse in the family like you have been living with, it's getting OUT that is what usually needs to happen. And to do our jobs here responsibly, and work with what we know works, what we have to do with a user in abuse before we can really work with them is do what we can to direct them to places and ways to get out, or which can intervene in person. otherwise we risk basically helping someone stay unsafe.

Would it be alright with you if we looked for alternative resources to that first one you tried that we suggested?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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It sounds like your Dad is your most immediate resource for help. I know the possibility of him saying he won't help isn't a pleasant one, but you won't know what he'll say until you give him a call. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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Kobalt
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Thanks so much for the advice. I called my Dad and he picked me up while my Mother was at work. I feel much better here.
But I still have to deal with the issue with my Mother before I go back, because the same thing will just happen again if I put myself back in that situation.
My Dad said that me and my Mom could talk it over on the phone (hopefully with him listening so he could intervene if it got bad again) before I go back.

Do you think that's an okay idea?

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Robin Lee
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Well, it's clear that something needs to change in order for it to be safe for you to go back.

As heather mentioned above, we're really not equipped to advise on or help with ongoing family violence.

What do you think are the pros and cons of you talking to your Mom on the phone?

Have you talked with your dad about getting some other help with this, such as from a therapist? If you have talked to your Dad about getting outside help, what did he say? If not, I advise you talk with him about this.

--------------------
Robin

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Kobalt
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Both my Mom and my Dad think that no one outside should get involved in 'family issues'. Just the other day they got on my case for suggesting that I get my therapist to intervene, because, and I quote - "Why doesn't [she] deal with her own problems like her divorce, huh -my name-, why doesn't she deal with THAT? She's YOUR therapist and she has no place telling ME how to run MY family!"

Pros:
No risk of physical abuse
Issue gets talked about

Cons:
Mom can be unreasonable
Might hang up on me
She might say one thing and do another

Maybe you can direct me to a couple more helpful places for dealing with this? I don't want to burden you.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Kobalt,

We certainly can take a look around and see if there are any more resources for you to try for getting help with this.

It might take us a few days, but we will let you know what we find.

Looking at your list of pros and cons, how do you feel about talking to your Mom on the phone about this?

--------------------
Robin

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Kobalt
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Thanks.

And I guess I feel like I have no other choice.
I'll be forced to go back anyway, so what can I do?
I'll be abused again anyway so it doesn't really matter.

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