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On friday my boyfriend fingered me extremely roughly and there was blood on the sheets from this. There was probably some vaginal tearing and the bleeding slowed up and stopped on saturday and was completely gone on Sunday. This morning after stretching to reach my alarm clock, I went to the bathroom to see that I was bleeding again. It was heavy enough to make me decide to wear a pad (just to be safe). There was no pregnancy risk and I am on birth control and not scheduled to start my period for another 2 weeks. Do you think that my stretching caused the bleeding to start?
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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It's possible, but we can't really know. If you started bleeding enough to need a pad, you might want to check in with your doctor or gynecologist, because that would indicate a pretty big tear, and you want to make sure everything's alright.
I also recommend staying away from any kind of sexual activity that engages your vagina for now, if you aren't already doing that, to give the tear time to heal and to try to ensure that it doesn't get infected.
Next time, it'd probably be better if your boyfriend weren't so rough, and you make sure you're using plenty of lubricant, so you don't get any tears or other trauma to your vagina again! Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
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Do you have an idea what they would do if it was a big tear because the bleeding is now up to almost period level? My boyfriends nails were kind of long so they probably scratched.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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If your bleeding is increasing like that, and you're sure it's not your period, I'd say it's time to go see a healthcare provider.
What they'll likely to is evaluate if they need to do anything for you, like stitches. That would be highly unlikely when we're not talking about a violent assault (though I'm not sure if that was or wasn't what happened here), but still, if days after a likely sexual injury bleeding is increasing rather than has stopped, you probably need to get looked at.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Would they be able to do the stitches in the gyno's office? My boyfriend's nails were on the longer side and he fingered me and there was a lot of blood on the bed afterwards (enough to stain the sheets). It was almost gone on Sunday but it started back up this morning.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Unless this was the kind of injury where they thought you needed to be in-patient in a hospital or go to the ER, yes, it's most likely your care would be outpatient in their office.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I don't think that it needs to be in the er or in-patient. What would cause it to start bleeding again though?
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Not knowing what is actually going on here, I couldn't possibly say. To know what's happening, you really need to see someone in-person who can take a look and evaluate you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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(That said, it sounds like when you have all of this sorted, it might be wise for us to talk about how to have manual sex so that you don't wind up with any injuries. if you want to do that, just give a holler.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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No doubt! Would you like to talk about that now rather than later? Happy to do so.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Can I start by asking if you actually LIKE manual sex to be something that is very aggressive? It sounds like your partner is being so, and I don't know if that's because that's also something you actually like or not.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'm not really in to aggressive but for some reason he didn't want to listen this time. It was a first
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Can you tel me what you mean by he didn't want to listen this time?
Like, you said you didn't like what he was doing and it hurt, or something, and he kept on doing it like he was anyway?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I kept swatting him away when it started to hurt. I was finally able to get him off me.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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So, it sounds like what you are describing here WAS a sexual assault. In other words, he was doing things you didn't want, and despite expressing that with words and/or clear gestures, he did not stop. Do I have that right?
If so, then this really isn't about engaging in manual sex in a way that avoids injury per things like making sure you're aroused, being gradual, using lubricant. Instead, this is about choosing partners who do not assault you, who respect your consent, and who do not do or continue to do anything sexual without it.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
So, this is obviously a much more serious thing to talk about.
You okay with talking about it and feel up to doing that? If so, I'm in. If not, you can give a holler when you are.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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So, let me check in and first make sure you do understand that what this person did to you WAS a sexual/abuse assault.
You do understand, right, that if and when we don't say yes to something sexually (or someone doesn't even ask, they just do something to us, not even giving us the chance to say yes or no), or we say no to something, with words, or with clear gestures, like pushing someone away, but that person keeps doing what they are, that they are committing a crime; they are abusing or assaulting?
If you get that, it sounds like this isn't the first time this person has done this to you. In that thread back in March, this person engaged in a kind of sex with you without your consent, too. In other words, it looks like there is a pattern of assault and abuse in this relationship.
So, my very first concern is your safety right now and from here on out: do you understand this person clearly isn't safe to keep dating or seeing alone, at all? And that to get yourself safe, you need to separate from this person?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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He's usually never like that. We talked about about what happened in March and it seems liked everything was ok and that it was getting better. This time was the first time that he has physically made me bleed.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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But this was NOT the first time that he did something to you sexually without your consent, or which you did not say yes to OR had to make him stop doing.
It's not really about if someone bleeds or not: that's not what makes sexual abuse or assault sexual abuse or assault. What makes those things those things is when someone does something to someone sexually they do not want, do not say yes to, or say no to.
Does that make sense?
Even if he had never done anything like this before -- though he has -- he did this NOW. So, we know now that he HAS done something like this and will do something like this. We can know now, just from this one time, that he's not safe, and he's someone who can and does hurt you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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What would be the best course of action? Right now we live in an apartment together and I don't really have any where else to stay
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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No friends or family in your life at all besides this guy?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Just to check, too, will you be able to see a healthcare provider ASAP about your injury? (I ask because I was going to make some suggestions around getting help that way.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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So, here's what I'd suggest, no matter what: be honest with them about how this happened. Make clear this was something your partner did without your consent, when you had to push him off of you to get him to stop. Don't pretend with them that this was consensual, or say nothing about the context here out of shame or embarrassment, okay?
Then ask them for their help and for information on what you can do about that: ask for your options. make clear you are living with this person and don't have anywhere else to stay.
They should, when you give them that information, do a few things:
1) They should make sure they document your injuries well in the case you want to ever press charges which you have the right to do if you choose. You might not want to now, but if you change your mind, you'll want to have all this documented.
2) They should connect you with services for sexual assault or abuse victims, and/or for people in abusive relationships, including advocacy services and shelters.
Do you feel like, in your best estimation, you're safe tonight? Do you feel like you have the ability to keep this guy off of you for tonight?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I plan on staying at the library for the night. how does the documentation work? Im just afraid that my parents (I am on their insurance) will find out because they will be very judgmental against me.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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In the United States, you have the legal right to privacy as someone under 18 -- if you are -- per your sexual health. If you are over 18, ALL your healthcare information in private: no doctor can share it with your parents without your permission, including any part of your file with them.
the fact that it's their insurance you will be using doesn't change that. The only thing you may want to do is make clear to your provider that per their billing to your parent's insurance, they make sure that nothing is coded in such a way that gives up your privacy. In other words, I'd make clear, just in case, that the information you are giving them about what happened and how it did is NOT information you want shared with your parents.
Of course, no matter what, you having an office visit, in general, at your doctor's will likely show up on their billing, but you probably knew that part already.
Sleeping at the library isn't usually something someone can do. You don't have any friends at all whose places you can land at for just one night?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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The college library is open 24 hours since it's finals week. All of my friends would side with him because they all see him as a sweet guy. My dad wont question the billing since it's the time of year for my pap smear.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Unfortunately, all too often, people who are abusive are very good at fronting, and others don't know they are unless the person or people who they are abusing tell the truth of what's happening.
Do you have any friends at all who are really your friends, in that they will believe what you are saying because they care about you and trust you and...well, are your friends? Good friends, even if something a good friend says like this is different from what they thought, will usually be supportive and believe you.
Also, are you enrolled as a student in this college? If so, how about looking into the student sexual assault services?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I can probably stay with one of my friends the next city over. The student sexual assault services are not the best and this is known all over campus.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Grrr, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want me to look up what might be local for you that isn't connected to the school?
Like I said, your doctor should connect you to those services anyway, when you disclose this, but if you want them now, I'd be happy to see what I can find for you.
I think staying with a friend tonight sounds like a very good idea. If for no other reason than to have someone to talk to, since we've started talking about this. Sometimes when you open the lid to the box like this, and start thinking about all of it, being real about all of it, it can kind of whack you on the side of the head and leave you feeling pretty upset. Both for your physical safety and just for some emotional support, I think being with a friend tonight sounds like the best plan.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'm currently looking up services in my area. I'm just a bit anxious about what is going to happen at the doctors office. I don't do well going blind in to a situation.
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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I told my boyfriend via text that I'm going to the doctor and he seemed more worried over if any of the blood from Friday go on the mattress
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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You mean beyond what I said you might expect to happen? If so, I assume you mean per an exam/treatment?
In that case, you should expect a visual exam, and maybe a speculum or bimanual exam (though if you're injured, they might skip those), just like with your pap smear.
In the event you have an injury where we are talking about something like stitches -- which is probably the most anyone would do in this situation, since it sounds like you're not having more than period-level bleeding -- then they'd likely give you a local anesthetic and do a stitch or two as needed, then giving you antibiotics and aftercare instructions. But it might be that they don't even need to do that, but just tell you to take it easy, and give you something like an antibiotic, even just a topical one, to help prevent an infection.
That all said, when someone makes clear they have been assaulted, they should and can generally expect that healthcare providers will be even more gentle with them than usual, and tell you everything they want or intend to do. healthcare providers in sexual health tend to be trained to know that assault victims/survivors need specific care.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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It just is a bit upsetting knowing that he assaulted me and I thought it was just him being a little bit rough
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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It can be a lot to start talking about all of this at once, so I never want to get big-going on it if that's not what someone wants.
But if you want to talk some more about this, I'll be here another half hour or so today, so we certainly can.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I totally get it, and I'm happy to keep talking with you as you'd like. We can also do this for more than just today.
I looked back into your posting history here once you'd said what really happened, because almost always, there is no "just one time" with sexual assault/abuse inside a relationship. Most typically, if it happens once, it happens again, and most typically, there are red flags along the way, even though those red flags are often things the person in the relationship doesn't see, or only clearly identifies AFTER abuse or assault have happened.
So, I'm willing to bet that as we talk, and as you process all of this, that you and I, or you yourself, will perhaps start to see more of a pattern emerge. if you do, that doesn't mean you were stupid or anything like that before now: it just means that often, this isn't stuff a lot of people will tend to see coming.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I never would have guessed that it would have happened to me. Also I just went to the bathroom and now its like heavy period flow and there are membrane like stuff in the blood. Just got me more scared
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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I can't say for sure, but my best guess is that you got a tear, and perhaps when it started to heal, just tore it again. But do know that you absolutely can choose to go to the ER for this if the bleeding gets worse, you're in pain, or you just don't want to wait until tomorrow.
Alas, sexual abuse or assault isn't just something that can only happen to some people: it truly can happen to absolutely anyone. There's nothing wrong with those of us to whom it has happened, nor something magic or special about people to whom it hasn't.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'm just hoping that I don't need stitches. If I do, I will really look in to taking this up with the authorities. If I don't need them, I will just try to take a step back and figure out if this guy is really worth my time
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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I'd just advise that you don't take time to decide about that while you are still near this person. In other words, I'd strongly advise against still living with them or being alone with them while you think about that, because I think your physical and emotional safety need to be the most important thing here.
Since you're going to the school library tonight anyway, it sounds like, do you want me to suggest a couple books you could look for about sexual assault and abuse within relationships? Even if you don't check them out, it might be helpful to you and a good support, to just look at them there.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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So, why don't you see if they have any of these: - I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape by Robin Warshaw - Intimate Betrayal: Understanding and Responding to the Trauma of Acquaintance Rape by Vernon R. Wiehe and Ann S. Richards - In Love and In Danger by Barrie Levy - But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women by Dr. Jill Murray - Getting Free by Ginny niCarthy
I'm getting ready to head out of the office for the night, but want to make sure you've got all you need that I can give you for now before I do. Is there anything else I can do for you right now?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I'll look in to the books tonight. I will re-post after I get back from the dr tomorrow
Posts: 55 | From: OH | Registered: Mar 2011
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Okay. I'll be around all day tomorrow, and I hope your appointment goes well.
Hang in there tonight, Phoenix.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63416 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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