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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Was I Assaulted?

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Author Topic: Was I Assaulted?
Bananarama18
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Member # 95319

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My long-term boyfriend was out of town. I went out drinking with 2 of my good friends-- both guys-- let's call them George and Wiliam. We ended up back at my apartment watching basketball, and drinking more. A lot more-- we had about 6 or 7 drinks each, which is a lot for me.

George had to go, leaving William and me sitting on the couch. I remember being very drunk, and putting my head on his shoulder. Some amount of time later, I wake up, and William is kissing me. I kiss back-- we are now making out on the couch. I keep telling him that this is a mistake, and that we need to stop, and that I love my boyfriend and that I don't want to do anything more. But I do keep kissing him, which I realize was a mistake.

I don't remember much about everything that happened but here's the basic rundown: I remember crying. I told him no multiple times. But I also think I helped him take my bra off. He took my pants off, I think I protested that. He tried to take my panties off several times, I was able to stop him-- until I wasn't. He moved my head down and put his penis in my mouth for a few seconds-- I didn't remove it right away, but I did remove it. He went down on me, too-- and again, I said no when he started, but didn't physically stop him right away. I know I moaned a bit-- which could have been encouragement for him. He tried to put his penis in my vagina twice, but I covered myself with my hands to stop him. I was finally awake enough after that to hand him his clothes and get him to leave. He kissed me goodbye though, and again, I kissed back. I think I was in shock.

When I cried, he told me to calm down, that everything would be ok. When I tried to move, he pulled me back. All of this sounds like assault to me, especially because I was so drunk and did not want any of this to happen. But I'm also afraid that I said things that made him think I was giving consent. In addition to my protests, I also remember saying things like, "That feels good," and "I'm getting wet." A lot of it is a blur, too. I don't remember the whole evening, but I think I remember all of the important parts.

So was I assaulted? Or did I cheat on my boyfriend while drunk? I know I didn't want any of that, but under the influence, I could have given the wrong impression.

Luckily, my boyfriend has forgiven the incident entirely, and I am grateful because he's the love of my life. But I still feel guilty, and I can't tell if I feel that way because I cheated, or because I'm vulnerable and disgusted with what happened. Maybe it's both.

Help me, please.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I agree, this sounds like sexual assault to me too. And even more so if you were far more intoxicated than this person was, or even if he knew you were drunk, which it sounds like he very much did. If this person was giving/getting you drinks, that can also add drug or alcohol-facilitated to the assault.

One thing I'm hearing from you is that you couldn't given the wrong impression, but I hear you saying you said several kinds of no several times. And it sounds like none of those no's were anything this person heeded in any way. As far as you recall, do I have that right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bananarama18
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Member # 95319

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We both had had the same amount to drink, but I imagine he holds his liquor a bit better than I.

I did say no many, many times. I cried, and tried to put space between us physically. I'm conflicted because I also probably said/did some things that spurred him on. But you're right, my 'no's were not enough to stop him.

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I feel guilty and victimized at the same time.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think we can know that when all our no's are clearly meaningless to someone, any of our yesses or apparent-yesses aren't meaningful, either. In other words, we can know that that person was going to do what they did regardless.

I don't think there are any supposed-to's with how you feel here, there's just how you feel. But if guilt is some of what you're feeling, I'd suggest making an effort to make sure you're not taking on too much responsibility here, or holding yourself responsible for things someone else did without your participation or consent, okay?

Do you know where you want to take this from here? You might want some time just to process some more, but if you want to talk about options with reporting, counseling or other support, we can do that with you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bananarama18
Neophyte
Member # 95319

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I'm a student, and so is he, so I'm considering reporting it to my school.

I am going to take some time to think about it, and process, and maybe call my school's anonymous counseling hotline.

Thanks for all of your help, Heather. I am feeling better-- as much as I can, anyway.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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For sure. If you want or need to talk any of it through more at any time, you know where to find me. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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