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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » I Can't Take It Anymore

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Author Topic: I Can't Take It Anymore
Brennan
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I used to be openly gay, but after being sexually abused by one partner of mine, then physically and emotionally abused by another, I decided I was denying my desire for women out of fear of being straight.

Now, I feel the opposite is happening. I just pleasured myself to a picture of two men having sex, and... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've only ever had enduring love for men, but whenever I think about a man naked, I start to break down and cry.

I've been only thinking about women, pleasuring myself to pictures of women, and trying to ask women out, but it's starting to... Bore me? I don't know what to do... Men conjure up such horrible memories and emotions whenever I look at them, but my body is acting so strangely around them now.

I can't handle this anymore. I don't want my sexuality wavering anymore. I'm going insane, and I can't stop it and it hurts so bad...

I need help, but nobody will listen or follow through. I don't know what to do...

Posts: 48 | From: Washington State | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brennan
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It only happens every so often -- this disinterest in women, but it's absolutely killing me. It's a reminder of what I used to have.. What I used to BE.

I'm starting to have massive panic attacks. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't get help soon enough, and it feels like someone's taking my heart and squeezing it.

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Heather
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this.

Understanding -- I hope -- that there is nothing anyone can do to control the fluidity of your sexuality, even you, can you fill me in a little on what kind of help people CAN give that you're looking for? Can you also tell me how people aren't following through with what you're asking for, so I can understand more of what you feel you're missing that you need?

After your previous relationships, did you ever get any counseling or other qualified support to help you recover from them, heal and move forward? If you did already, can you tell me a bit about how that went for you?

(Mind, I do want to say that having had abusive male partners is more about THEM than you, most likely, and probably has nothing whatsoever to do with how you're sexually oriented, even if, understandably, you've been experiencing aversion and other string negative reactions to men since those experiences.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I have no clue what anyone can do. I'm beginning to feel hopeless.

Whenever I go to my parents, half of the time, they talk me down and calm me. I tell them I'm feeling better, and they just leave it at that. The pain stays, though, and resurfaces. Sometimes I'll tell them about my problems and they'll just say that I'll understand myself when I'm older. They know about the two relationships, and even stopped the first one when they figured out my partner was using me as a sexual object.

Nothing they do seems to be helping, and no, I didn't receive any counseling or support after being abused. I always figured I could handle it on my own.

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Heather
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I think it's very clear you need help, and can't do this on your own (most people couldn't, by the way, and, IMO, probably would do a lot less well than they would WITH help). It sounds to me like you're also being very clear that you don't want to: you want help and support.

Are you open to seeking out counseling? I think I've mentioned to you in another thread that we have some seriously excellent, low-cost (some no-cost) resources here in Washington for LGBTQ counseling as well as for post-abuse counseling.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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My mind has turned an about-face. Now my mind has no desire for men whatsoever. My desire to get help has also drained significantly.

Every time I calm down from an attack, especially one centered around my sexuality, this happens... It's why I haven't sought help in the past. :\

Why does this happen to me? I just want to be happy again, damnit.

[ 08-11-2011, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: Brennan ]

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Brennan
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Maybe I should just get help anyway? Obviously, there's something wrong with me. :\
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Heather
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Brennan: I'm sorry for the bad timing, but I need to be done with work for the day.

But I will come back first thing in the morning to this and, if you like, you could keep talking with another volunteer tonight.

Alternately, you can call the GLBT National Helpline until 9 our time tonight at: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564). They have a youthline, too, but they've closed for the day.

Sorry to leave you hanging!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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Hi Brennan! I'm around if you'd like to talk. [Smile]

I just wanted to chime in and say, as a depression survivor and someone who's had a lot of sexual and gender dysphoria to work through, which I'm still working through, I really don't think this is about there being something "wrong" with you. What I'm hearing is that you're unhappy with things, particularly your sexuality, and you want to be happier, right?

Some counselling or therapy could really help, and that doesn't have to be about trying to get "fixed" - it can be about whatever aspect you want it to be. I really swear by counselling, I really find it valuable to have a professional to talk to figure out things that make me unhappy.

Do you have a sense of where you lack of desire to get help is coming from?

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

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Heather
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I'm also here now if you want to talk more.

But I'd agree that the issue isn't about something being wrong with you: it's about you feeling the way you are and needing support.

If you're asking "why does this happen to me," and mean why are you having possible orientation shifts or feelings of confusion or apathy about to whom you are attracted, the only right answer is "because you're human." This is something common that happens to many people, and there's really not a why to it. Mind, I'm still having a tough time accepting that your feelings changed because you discovered you were "hiding being straight." I don't know what your orientation is, but it seems most likely to be that what has turned into an aversion to men -- a very different things that disinterest -- isn't likely about your orientation, but about having been abused.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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I'm sorry I took such a long hiatus from getting help. Whenever I have these episodes, I always want to handle them alone. I don't know why.

In any case, over the past few days, I've been MISERABLE. Every time I see a woman, I question whether or not I truly find her sexy. It's like I need to affirm to myself that my sexuality works like every other man's. I really think this is all about my identity surrounding my sexuality rather than my sexuality in and of itself.

I've been in-between Celexa (Citalopram) and Buspirone. The SSRI (Celexa) was draining my sex drive and making me feel weird and devoid of desire for the opposite sex. I took myself off of it and haven't been depressed, so I obviously didn't need an SSRI.

The doctor suggested I take Buspirone, as we believe that my depression is rooted in anxiety. I constantly question my sexuality, and compare it to that of those around me. I'm constantly thinking and worrying about whether or not I'd 'feel the magic' with my partner if I had one. I don't want to let anyone down... I want to be able to give any woman what she wants, and I -really- don't want to be gay.

I don't know why seeing men as attractive makes me panic.. I don't feel love for men anymore... That's long passed considering the fact that I could always feel love for both and I always found both sexy and attractive, making it seem like an easy task for me to just 'pick' one, so to speak.

Apparently, choosing to be a certain sexuality is not that easy. (Que "Stanley's Cup" South Park scene)

I want to be able to give tender loving to a woman. I love the idea of seeing a female light up at my presence -- more than I -ever- felt for men.. Even at my most homosexual, I was interested only in how THEY would please ME. I've never really thought about them like partners...

But women have opened up this new door of cooperative pleasure.. I -want- to pleasure a woman and THEN get pleasured. Or both at the same time, if at all possible. I feel that my gay urges intrude on that, and jeopardize it. My sexuality has changed before, but I'm -happy- being straight right now, and I don't want that to go away so I can go back to being miserable as a gay man.

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Heather
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Sorry I missed this post the other day, Brennan.

For starters, I know I don't have to tell you that every other man isn't sexually or romantically attracted to women in the first place. Some men are. Some aren't.

I really can't suggest enough that you seek out some counseling around all of this. I just don't see how you're likely to be in a healthy sexual relationship with anyone, whatever their gender, and feel really good about it, without you first getting some ongoing help sorting out and working out all of these feelings.

For instance, let's say you start seeing a woman you're into. How much energy do you think you'll expend worrying about the things you're worrying about? How much do you think that relationship will kind of be used as proof or disproof of the way you've been thinking and feeling? hack, given you came out of abuse, but didn't get any help healing, how able do you think you are, period, to create healthy relationships? How much room do you really think there is for another person in this right now?

None of this is any kind of judgment or put-down, mind you. Nor is any of it any kind of assessment of what your orientation actually is: I'm actually not sure that's even a sound thing to try and figure out right now, since it's so clear there's one answer you feel is very, very unwanted, which makes the others pretty iffy, in my book.

Rather, I'm saying what I am because I'd prefer you felt a whole lot better than you do and were on the path to happy, healthy relationships, with whomever they're with.

Have you looked into any counseling yet? Or talked to the provider you're seeing about any of this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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What could talking about this problem really do? I'm worried that if I go to see a counselor, nothing will change. I'm still not even sure how damaged my abusive relationships left me... I feel fine most of the time, you know, except for the whole bit where I constantly question my sexuality and such. :\
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Brennan
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What could talking about this problem really do? I'm worried that if I go to see a counselor, nothing will change. I'm still not even sure how damaged my abusive relationships left me... I feel fine most of the time, you know, except for the whole bit where I constantly question my sexuality and such. :\
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Heather
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Well, I think that, for starters, getting good counseling from someone educated around abuse could help you identify what about all of this is most likely about the abuse from people specifically, rather than about a larger group of people, which I think is probably a big part. I also think that it sounds to me like you're projecting some of your fear, disgust and anger unto all men instead of the actual men responsible, which is a) something that tends to show us kind of being stuck at a certain level of not-healing and b) not helping you out here. Even if you never have another intimate relationship with another man, that's likely going to be something really problematic for you, in your relationships with everyone, including the one you have for yourself.

I think being able to get some help in healing and better identifying what's about the impact of the abuse and what's about your own sexual feelings and orientation would probably be a huge help to you.

But really, the right person to ask about this is a counselor like this. You find someone, make an appointment, and your first visit is about screening them. You tell them what's going on in a nutshell, you ask them how they think they could help, and then you see how you feel about what they say and propose. Not all therapy is talk-therapy, too, so it's important to ask around to even know what your options are and what a given counselor may or may not be able to offer you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brennan
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Not all types of therapy are strictly talk therapy? What other types of therapy are there?

[ 08-21-2011, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Brennan ]

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Kachina
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The real term for "talk therapy" is Psychoanalytic Therapy, it was developed by Freud. There are many other types, some common ones are:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Interpersonal Therapy
Group Therapy
Drug Therapy

More info:
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-psychotherapy
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/mental-disorders/types-of-mental-health-therapy.htm

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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