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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Possibly Stalked

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Author Topic: Possibly Stalked
Happy_Lucky
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I've been off and on friends with a guy that my mom and dad think is so perfect and wanted me to date him, until I told them I was bi and currently liked a girl. He has always had a romantic interest in me. The major problem, I can barely stand to be friends with him, let alone date him. I'm an open-minded, liberal, vegetarian bisexual, while he's a conservative, homophobic, very close-minded straight guy. Nothing would be wrong with this if he could take "no" as an answer. I've said I'm not interested since the start (4 years ago). He asks me out multiple times a day, calls at least three times a day, and texts every 15 minutes the minute he gets out of school. When I finally respond, he's either asking me out, threatening the guy and girl I like, or threatening/ challenging me/ my beliefs. It's finally gotten scary now that I found out from friends that go to his school (we go to different schools) that he has been spreading untrue rumors about how I'm a whore and not worth anything. Also, I've noticed him following me when I go to the mall with friends and he just found out when and where I buy groceries each week and plans an "accidental meeting" of our parents. I'm really scared, he knows where I live, who I know, everything from either my parents or the time he hacked into my Facebook and e-mail....
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Stephanie_1
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Happy_Lucky: Do you think you may be able to explain what's been happening to your parents (possibly with a friend that knows about this if you suspect they may have a hard time believing past the "he's so sweet and perfect" facade he's got in place)?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
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You are absolutely describing stalking here.

I would strongly suggest you file a report with your police. Can you tell one of your parents about all of this so they can get a clue and help support you in taking action to protect yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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Wow, that was a really fast reply, I told my dad and showed him the e-mails, texts, and phone records. He also remembers the all too convenient meetings at the grocery store. He agrees that I have all rights to be scared. My mom thinks I'm over reacting, and I've been way too scared to tell my friends, they think he's just an overly ambitious admirer. I also showed both my parents the gifts he's given me (left at my door-step) that seem either cute and romantic, while others are just down right creepy. My mom thinks he's just a troubled teen who is clinging to the only "nice girl" he knows. My dad was extremely angry and scared. He's confronted the boy multiple times, but nothing ever changes.
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Heather
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Stalking is a crime, and it's serious. It is also something that puts your safety at serious risk.

I am sorry to hear your mother isn't taking it seriously, but it's good your Dad is. If you told him that the right steps with stalking are to contact the police -- again, this is a crime and a serious one, a gazillion awareness orgs around this would agree, the police are where to go -- do you think he'd help you with that?

Also, it's GREAT you have kept records of this. Everything you have that documents this, you want to print it out and bring it with you when you report.

[ 03-25-2011, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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Thanks for the support, I had read in legal books (I was getting scared and wanted to know what stalking really was) that records absolutely help my case and the police in investigating. I have asked my dad about reporting it and he's been thinking about it (works for the boy's dad, so the situation is complicated). My mom is still in the boat of I should give him a chance.
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Heather
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Is your Mom very educated about stalking? If not, do you think some extra information would help?

I do think that YOU need to decide about reporting on your own, even if your parents don't support you. This is about your safety, after all, and this person has made very clear they disregard it and that other interventions are not dissuading them.

I don't want to scare you more than you no doubt already are, but honestly, this is very serious, and stalking often escalates to other violence fast. Even when it doesn't, you feeling unsafe 24/7 is tremendously rough on you, and you are entitled to safety and privacy in the world.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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Well, I can't drive there, but I know if I told my dad that it's what I really need to feel safe in my own house, he'd be with me full force, because I haven't told him about how scared I am to sleep and that I've been sleeping on the sofa almost right outside their room with my dog and a pocket knife under the sofa.
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Heather
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No bus service where you are?

But how about you also be very honest with your father? I think you need to be, especially if it's what gets your family to really be proactive about this and report these crimes.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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And thanks so much for reaffirming my belief that I needed help from the Law. I feel almost safer now that an end may be reached after so long
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Heather
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Of course, of course! Again, you're talking about a serious crime here and a serious risk to your personal safety and your well-being. There's a reason, after all, we have laws around stalking.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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I've told him that I'm really scared, and I've been having an active conversation with both parents since I posted this, and my parents are fighting right now...
(I live more out in the country, and live about 7-ish mi from the nearest bus stop)
My mom is pretty much saying, "She's in 9th grade and he's in 8th. He has no clue that he's acting inappropriately and scaring her."
While my dad is basically saying, "If it's this bad now, it can only get worse."
I think my dad I just going to drive me to the station tomorrow morning and report it wether my mom agrees or not.

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Happy_Lucky
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* is just
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Heather
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Let's say he doesn't know. (Doubtful, but let's just say it.) If he doesn't, then he needs to. And if your Dad talking to him and you telling him to leave you alone didn't get that message through? Then he needs to keep getting that message from more and more serious sources, from sources he will eventually have no choice but to take seriously.

Now, he probably does know. So that's kind of moot, but again, if he really doesn't? He needs to.

I don't know your Mom, so I don't know if what she's saying comes from not being educated about stalking, from being sheltered, from thinking victims just need to accept being victimized (maybe she's been victimized in her life and didn't feel she could take action or wasn't supported in it), from worrying about your Dad's job: who knows.

But hopefully, she'll come around and recognize that anyone, especially her own kid, taking the appropriate steps to report a crime and do all they can wisely to protect their safety is vital and important and something she wants to support.

But your dad is in the right here, even though I don't want to take sides in people's family issues. Stalking does usually escalate: you've been seeing that already. And it is a crime, a serious one. So it should be treated like you'd treat any crime.

I'm really so sorry your family is having issues around this and fights over this: hopefully, that's temporary and everyone will get on board soon enough in doing all they can for your safety.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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Basically, my mom is scared my dad will loose his job (we can't afford to loose it) and my dad said he is taking me down to the station right in the morning, and he's printing out all the digital information and putting all the "gifts" in a box to take too. Thanks so much, without this website, I never, ever would have worked up the courage to call the police...until it was too late.... (my school councilor actually told me about this site and said if I was really as scared as I thought I was, then I should post here) (she also sent another of my best friends here, rein is here user name, I think)
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Heather
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It might help to tell your Mom that if your father lost his job because he reported a crime, that that, in and of itself, is also not lawful.

But regardless, your safety kind of trumps a job. It sounds like she's maybe just not understanding stalking and how real a threat this is. That sucks, obviously, but maybe she'll get it later. Would you like me to give you some info on stalking to share with her?

That's great you and your dad are going to go report tomorrow. I hope you can sleep a little better tonight knowing that.

And props to this school counselor! Please pass on we'd love to hear from her if she ever wants to drop a line.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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I think my mom just thinks I'm being overly sensitive to this (I tend to over react a lot) and I hope she'll get it when she really sees what's been going on. And she really is a great councilor and has helped my friends and I through some really tough times, including right now [Frown] )
And I'm gonna be offline for all of tonight (my dad wants me to stay at my grandmother's place tonight) so, thanks so much!!

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Heather
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Happy to be of help, and I'm so glad great steps are being taken to ensure your safety.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Happy_Lucky
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Thanks, and I'll be sure to post what happened tomorrow (if you want to know)
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Stephanie_1
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Just wanted to pop in and wish you SO MUCH luck with everything tomorrow and absolutely please let us know how things go and that you're doing alright (and too if you need any support tomorrow we'll be around). Hang in there <3

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Happy_Lucky
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The police took everything I said very seriously and agreed that this was not an okay way of "showing" he "cared." The investigation has been started, and I asked my friends who know him, and they said they thought they were just being overly protective of me when they automatically disliked him. I was able to go out and spend time with my two best friends and actually feel safe that I wouldn't see him (currently requesting a restraining order for at least 50 yards, and the police gave him a serious warning about how "it would look" if he followed me around when an investigation for stalking me was just starting)
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Stephanie_1
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Happy_Lucky: I'm so glad to hear you've gone through with everything and that it's started to make you feel safer having them both believe and take your experiences so seriously. I think the restraining order will continue that feeling for you,and I think you should know what a truly strong person you are for going through with this. And know if you ever need anything we're all here you you.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Happy_Lucky
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Thank you so much, I wouldn't have actually gone through with it without the support from here and the confirmation that it was actually a stalking behavior
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Heather
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This is all excellent news: thanks so much for letting us know. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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