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Author Topic: Could I be pregnant even though I was so careful??
sarahmiller1989
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My boyfriend and I had sex for the first few times on Jan 15 and 20. He wore a condom and pulled out before he ejaculated both times. The first time he ejaculated in the condom outside of me and the second he didn't even ejaculate the whole time. I have been on Yasmin birth control for about 10 months and I take them around the same time. But on Jan 14 or 15, I think I took it 3-4 hours late if that makes a difference.

But now, my stomach has been feeling kind of weird and there's a dull, not really pain, but feeling in my lower back. And only my left breast hurts (Weird, I know). The other one doesn't hurt. My period is scheduled to come next week. Could I be pregnant?

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Horizon
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Hi, Sarah. From what you told us, it does not appear that you have had a pregnancy risk. As long as you and your boyfriend used a condom the entire time with no unprotected genital contact, there is no viable risk.

It is best for you to take your BCP within a three hour window before or after your usual time. One late pill may or may not present a risk, but as I've said, it doesn't seem that you've had a risk in the first place.

The symptoms you've listed sound a lot like premenstrual pains! And given that you have not has a pregnancy risk, you can probably expect your period soon!

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-Kayla
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sarahmiller1989
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Thank you so much for replying so quickly. There was no unprotected genital contact because we're trying to be as careful as possible because I'm always so paranoid of getting pregnant.

If I continue to have him wear a condom, pull and me take my birth control will I be protected from pregnancy? Because I'm always afraid that if I have sex then somehow, no matter how ridiculous the reason, I could get pregnant. I don't want to feel like that every time I have sex. Do you have any suggestions?

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Horizon
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Sure. A condom used as a back-up with the pill is about as protected as you can get. And actually, (if what you mean in that post is "pull out") it's actually not necessary for him to pull out before he ejaculates if he is using a condom-- doing so could actually result in an accident whereas having him ejaculate inside the condom in you would be safer. Just make sure that when he removes his penis, he holds onto the condom at its base to prevent it spilling out.

I know you didn't mention this, but if you're not using a water-based lubricant with the condom, that could be a good thing to incorporate, as well. Extra lubricant not only makes sex feel better for the two of you, it can actually help prevent a condom from breaking, as this tends to happen if it gets too dry.

It sounds like you're both taking good measures against a preg. risk, so make sure you're using a condom and taking your pills right on time, and you'll be in good shape!

Let us know if you have any further questions!

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sarahmiller1989
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Thsnk you so much for your help! Actually, the first time we had sex, we didn't use a lubricant because I guess I was already wet enough but the second time it hurt because there wasn't any lube. So it was not enjoyable for either of us. Do you have any suggestions on a lubricant? I heard KY is good.

And what did you mean when you said that if he did pull out it could result in an accident?

So it's okay for him to ejaculate in the condom in me and I won't have a pregnancy risk?

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sarahmiller1989
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Thank you so much for your help! Actually, the first time we had sex, we didn't use a lubricant because I guess I was already wet enough but the second time it hurt because there wasn't any lube. So it was not enjoyable for either of us. Do you have any suggestions on a lubricant? I heard KY is good.

And what did you mean when you said that if he did pull out it could result in an accident?

So it's okay for him to ejaculate in the condom in me and I won't have a pregnancy risk?

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sarahmiller1989
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Sorry, I didn't mean to double post that.
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Horizon
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That's alright!

There are lots of lubes out there-- KY, Astroglide, and Wet are the most common ones you'll find. (I've tried the first two and have not been disappointed). You may want to do some testing to see what works best for you, but if it will be used with condoms, make sure it is water-based. There are oil-based ones which deteriorate the material.

What I mean by pulling out is, if he tries to suddenly pull out when he ejaculates, the condom could come out with him and spill on you, which could present a risk. So yes, its actually safer for him to ejaculate in the condom before he pulls out-- that is what they are designed for! This way, he can take his time to remove the condom carefully to make sure nothing is spilled in the process.

[ 02-02-2010, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: Horizon ]

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-Kayla
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sarahmiller1989
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Thank you so much for your answer.

I just keep reading stories online about girls getting pregnant while on the pill AND using condoms and it scares me. I just don't see how they could have gotten pregnant.. And I'm so scared that I will become one of those girls that gets pregnant in some miraculous way. Are those stories even true? I do take my pill at 9 PM everyday. I might be 10-30 minutes late but it's still around 9. And he'll be using a condom every time.

Is there anyway to ease my mind? Because it really takes away the fun of sex.

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Horizon
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It happens, but if you utilize both methods perfectly, the chances are quite low. What you may not hear from those stories is that the women took the pills late or missed them, had condoms break frequently, took interacting medicine, etc.

We have an article on efficacy of selected methods of protection...here's the one on the pill.

Birth Control Bingo: The Combination Pill

Perfect use yields around 98% efficacy-- and I believe that's only for the pill-- without the added protection of a condom. Browse around that link-- it's got some good information.

Don't get me wrong-- no method of birth control is absolutely 100% effective, but your chances of getting pregnant when using both methods perfectly is exceedingly slim. Part of being in a sexual relationship means carrying that risk, but as long as you are being as responsible as possible about it, (which it sounds like you are) then you're doing all you can!

If those numbers don't soothe your nerves, there is nothing wrong with stepping away from sex for a while as long as it makes you feel better!

[ 02-03-2010, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: Horizon ]

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sarahmiller1989
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Thank you for your advice.

I'm still a little worried. I think I got my period today. I was cramping and all that but when I checked the pad, there wasn't that much blood. It was mostly brown, dark brown or red and pink. But there were a lot of big clots of dark red. It just doesn't feel normal. I'm still cramping, I'm hoping it'll get heavier and be normal.

Is a lighter period a sign of pregnancy? I bought some pregnancy tests. Should I take one in the morning?

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sarahmiller1989
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I actually took a pregnancy test just now. It was negative. Whew! I should've just listened to you when you said I had no risk. But I always scare myself. Although I didn't use my morning pee, is the test still accurate since it's been past 14 days after my last risk?

Also, after taking the test, I wiped and there was red blood like usual. So am I in the clear?

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atm1
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Yes, your test would be accurate now, so here's nothing to worry about.
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sarahmiller1989
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I know you're probably right but I'm still freaking out. My period is being EXTREMELY light. And this is really unusual for me because it's normally really heavy and fills up the whole pad. But now there's barely any blood coming out. It's still red and dark red but there's just not a lot of it at all. Should I even be worried with this weird period?
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Ecofem
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As atm1 said, your test should be accurate now. Things like stress can affect your period, and it sounds like you're quite stressed out right now. Also, if this is the first day of your period, then your flow might become heavier in the next day or so. [Smile]

Horizon's given you a lot of good resources on birth control and pregnancy risk. If you're using two forms of BC (good for you!) and still this worried, it might be sage to reflect why you're feeling this way and/or hold off on partnered sexual activities until you're feeling more comfortable with the risks involved. I don't mean this as criticism but caring. What do you think?

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sarahmiller1989
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I know, I told my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex anymore and he's really upset about it. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried giving him oral before but it makes me gag. He likes that a lot but I think he likes having sex more. I'm just really stressed out about everything.

I want to have sex but I don't want to get pregnant.

Also, today is the second day of my period and it hasn't been very heavy at all. And that's what is REALLY worrying me. It's never been this light before. I changed my pad after 3-4 hours and there was only a streak of dark red and red blood. My periods only last 4 days because of Yasmin. This morning though there was a big glob of red and dark red blood which was normal. But everything else isn't so normal. I am still cramping so maybe it'll get heavier? Should I take another test?

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Ecofem
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Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend isn't being more understanding and respectful of your decision. Please don't feel like you "have" to perform oral sex on him if you don't feel comfortable! You two can do stuff like manual sex (fingering) and he could always perform oral sex on *you* if he likes is so much! Have you seen this article before? Reciprocity, Reloaded I will admit that I'm a bit concerned that your boyfriend is pressuring you to do stuff that you're not 100% comfortable with-- this is about your comfort and pleasure, too, or even more so if you're so stressed about stuff right now.

What do you mean by "everything?" Everything sexual or other stuff in your life, too?

You can't get your period if you're pregnant so I really, really think you're ok here. But if you'd like to take another test for the peace of mind, you certainly can go ahead and do so. [Smile]

Also, here's another article: Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul

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sarahmiller1989
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I mean sexually and other things too. I'm stressed that I can't have sex with my boyfriend because I'm scared that I'll get pregnant. I'm also stressed because the reason why we had sex was because we thought it would make our relationship better. And I only had sex with him because he said he would stay with me forever. (STUPID, I know) But we've been together for 4 years so I trusted him. We are still together but he wants to have sex like no other because we just started having sex. Every time I say I don't want to have sex, he threatens to find someone else to have sex with. But I know he's only joking. I know you're probably going to say that I shouldn't be with him anymore if he does things like that. But I love him with all my heart and making him happy with sex makes me happy. But I hate being so paranoid all the time.

I'm also stressed with school because it's my senior year and I have 3 college classes. And I'm applying for scholarships. My aunt also just had a baby a month ago and she already has an 18 month old. So I'm babysitting and trying to do homework at the same time.

I'm also stressed because my relationship with my boyfriend isn't going so great. We barely see each other, maybe once every week and a half. We barely talk every day and when we do it's probably about sex or when we can have sex again.

I can't even talk to anyone about this because my family doesn't know I have am sexually active let alone have a boyfriend. And I can't really talk to my boyfriend about this because he gets annoyed because I'm always paranoid when we do something sexual. He thinks there's no way I could get pregnant every time we do something sexual since I'm on birth control and he wears a condom and withdraws.

Also, I'm a little constipated right now. It took like 10 minutes for me to push a little bit out (sorry for TMI). And I somewhat feel like I have to pee a little more.
If I take another test in the morning that will for sure let me know I'm not pregnant, right?

And also, thank you SO SO SO much for talking to me about this. I really really appreciate it because it makes me feel better knowing that I have someone to talk to about personal things like this. I am just so happy I found this website.

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Ecofem
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[Hey Sarah, Thanks for your in-depth reply! I have to do something but I'll be back in a half hour or so and will then write a longer response. [Smile] ]
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sarahmiller1989
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Thanks for letting me know! [Smile]
You guys really are the greatest.

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Ecofem
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Hi Sarah, I'm back with a longer response. [Smile]

quote:
Originally posted by sarahmiller1989:
I mean sexually and other things too. I'm stressed that I can't have sex with my boyfriend because I'm scared that I'll get pregnant. I'm also stressed because the reason why we had sex was because we thought it would make our relationship better. And I only had sex with him because he said he would stay with me forever. (STUPID, I know

Hey, please don't get down on yourself for this-- we certainly aren't. :Hugs: I think there can many reasons we have sex, and some are trickier than others in retrospect. Sex can certainly add a new element to a relationship, although it can be both positive and negative, like positive if you're both feeling good about sharing your sexuality but negative if you're feeling pressured or really worried about pregnancy. (And I've been there with the big pregnancy worries!) It's understandable that you would hope that your relationship with him would be something long-term, especially when this is your senior year and you've got some big changes coming your way. However, that's a really hard to promise to keep, even if he wants to with all of his heart, because there are so many things in life that we can't foresee or control. It can be hard balancing wanting something really long-term with the possibility that few, if anything in life, is really truly permanent. But that doesn't really take away from the past or present either. [Smile] And I also understand how it can be frustrating to want to have sex but also recognize that the time/other details mean it's not the best option currently.

quote:
But we've been together for 4 years so I trusted him.
Four years *is* a really long to be together, especially when you consider that's pretty much all of high school! I'd also like to think you could trust a partner after that long but it can really depend: we might feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone right away whereas we might never feel comfortable with someone we've known most of ours lives. There are many factors.

quote:
We are still together but he wants to have sex like no other because we just started having sex. Every time I say I don't want to have sex, he threatens to find someone else to have sex with. But I know he's only joking. I know you're probably going to say that I shouldn't be with him anymore if he does things like that.
Well, I will admit that it's a pretty cruel and manipulative thing for him to say: not cool, no caring, and I'm sorry he feels it's appropriate to say to someone he presumably cares so much about, you know? How does it make you feel when he says that even if he says it in a joking way?

quote:
But I love him with all my heart and making him happy with sex makes me happy. But I hate being so paranoid all the time.
I think wanting to make a partner happy is a big thing in relationships, and generally a positive one! I know I know I'm someone who tends to give a LOT in relationships; however, sometimes it has been taken advantage of, like when a previous partner would "take" in some way but not really reciprocate, and that really sucks. (Over time I'd gradually get angry or upset that the partner accepted what I offered but didn't give back!)

Yes, being so paranoid all the time is really hard!! It sounds like you have a lot going for you and I can understand how an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy would make dealing with everything a lot harder. I'll talk more about that in a bit.

quote:
I'm also stressed with school because it's my senior year and I have 3 college classes. And I'm applying for scholarships. My aunt also just had a baby a month ago and she already has an 18 month old. So I'm babysitting and trying to do homework at the same time.
Congratulations on taking three college classes-- that's a heavy course load to take the final semester of your senior year! Good luck with the scholarships: I can tell you that the time spent applying for them is so worth it, especially if you consider how hard/long you'd have to work in work-study or minimum wage jobs to earn the tuition equivalent. A new niece or nephew can be really nice, and it's great of you to help out, but that does that a lot of time and energy!

quote:
I'm also stressed because my relationship with my boyfriend isn't going so great. We barely see each other, maybe once every week and a half. We barely talk every day and when we do it's probably about sex or when we can have sex again.
It's hard to not see each other often, especially when things aren't feeling so great and you'd like to be able to have each other's support. I'm in a long-term, long-distance relationship myself: we can't always talk everyday and we're both pretty busy so even if we'd really *like* to talk about fun sexual stuff, it just isn't happening because one or both of us isn't in the headspace or we don't have the time. My boyfriend and I might share a video clip or link and talk about it when we've got some more time and other times one of us is lending an ear while the other talks about a challenging thing, but mostly we talk about our everyday lives: we know a lot about each other's friends and work/studies and what not. Sex can be great but in most long-term relationships, you're dealing with more everyday stuff most of the time. Plus, the bottom line is that both parties should feel comfortable talking about whatever topic it is, because if not it takes away the fun and a pressured talk about sex isn't fun!

quote:
I can't even talk to anyone about this because my family doesn't know I have am sexually active let alone have a boyfriend.
Aww, that's really tough: it can be hard enough to talk about sexual stuff with your parents and it's even harder when you have to hide being sexual or even having a boyfriend. I had to hide my sexual relationship from my parents when I was a senior in high school and I can tell you how incredibly stressful and nervewracking it was (and I also had the pregnancy paranoia, which I can tell you more about if you're interested.)

quote:
And I can't really talk to my boyfriend about this because he gets annoyed because I'm always paranoid when we do something sexual. He thinks there's no way I could get pregnant every time we do something sexual since I'm on birth control and he wears a condom and withdraws.
Well, you know, you are very being smart about using back-up birth control BUT your concerns are valid-- abstaining from partnered sex (with a partner of the opposite-sex) is really the only guaranteed way to avoid pregnancy (and we're the exact opposite of an "abstinence only" sex ed site, so you know we're not saying it to be scary!) He should respect how you feel: it's important to be able to discuss all types of sexual stuff with a partner, be it stuff you really like or stuff you're worried about.

quote:
Also, I'm a little constipated right now. It took like 10 minutes for me to push a little bit out (sorry for TMI). And I somewhat feel like I have to pee a little more.
Hey, no worries about TMI here! I tend to feel more constipated when I have my period in general-- might this apply to you? However, stress can also make constipation worse. If you're finding you have to pee more, it could be because you're worried but it could also be a UTI; either way, I'm quite sure it's not a sign of pregnancy.

quote:
If I take another test in the morning that will for sure let me know I'm not pregnant, right?
Yes, you definitely can. [Smile]

quote:
And also, thank you SO SO SO much for talking to me about this. I really really appreciate it because it makes me feel better knowing that I have someone to talk to about personal things like this. I am just so happy I found this website.
You're welcome, and we're glad you found the site, too! [Smile] We don't want you to feel pressured or judged but we also do want you to feel happy and relaxed and it sounds like you're pretty (and understandably!) stressed right now.
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sarahmiller1989
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Thank you for your in-depth response!

I really want to talk to my boyfriend about these things but he finds them annoying and just ignores me. How can I get him to listen to me? I don't think he understands how scared I am.

Actually, when I'm on my period, I usually have more loose bowel movements. Yesterday, I had really bad diarrhea.

I would LOVE to hear about your pregnancy paranoia. Maybe we can relate. Because with my circle of friends, I have no one to relate to because I'm pretty sure none of them have had sex before.

It does hurt me, though, when he says he wants to find someone else to have sex with. I just know he won't do it. I usually just ignore it. He says a lot of things like that. But I don't know how to make it stop.

We've had many conversations about how much he hurts me with the things he says but I don't think any of it affects him. I think just last night I talked to him about him not thinking before he says things. Because he says hurtful things to me. Also, I talked to him about how I feel like I love him but he doesn't love me back. It's like I do everything for him but I never get anything in return. Ever. I don't know how to get him to start caring about me like he used to. That's actually another thing we talked about. I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore and he claims he does. But the way he acts just shows that he doesn't care. Obviously, because he doesn't even want to listen to me about my paranoia.

I don't really know why I'm telling you all of these things but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it because I don't tell anyone about what happens in our relationship so no one really knows I'm hurting inside.

And just to be sure, if I get a negative in the morning then I can stop worrying about pregnancy, correct? What if my period is still light? Also, what causes a light period? Stress? Because I've been way more stressed before but my period was still normal. Can having intercourse for the first time cause a weird period?

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Ecofem
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Hi Sarah, I'm about to go to sleep now but I can reply more tomorrow. Fortunately, I no longer have the pregnancy paranoid anymore but I can talk about when and why I had it in the past. In the meantime, here's our thread on this very topic. I hope you can rest up tonight and I'll ttyl. [Smile]
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sarahmiller1989
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I'm pretty sure this is definitely my period. I didn't want to take another pregnancy test this morning because I didn't want to waste it if my period was looking normal. This morning there was a lot of red and dark red blood again. Like a big glob of it. And throughout the day, I have been getting a somewhat regular flow. I could actually feel it seep out like usual. Yesterday, I couldn't feel it coming out. And I changed my pad and there was bright red blood and I'm still cramping. So I'm starting to worry less.

But I am really going to try to refrain from having sex for a while until I actually feel ready to accept the fact that I could get pregnant. I'm still a tiny bit worried because right now I feel like I have to pee a lot.

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Ecofem
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[Hi Sarah, I'm back and working on a reply to you next. I see you posted in the Support Group thread on "To worry or not to worry," which is nice. [Smile] ]
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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by sarahmiller1989:
Thank you for your in-depth response!

You're welcome! I experienced something somewhat similar when I was a senior in high school-- that was nine years ago and I'm doing well now but it really shaped me, and I certainly wouldn't want people such a situation to feel as confused, sad and alone as I felt then!

quote:
I really want to talk to my boyfriend about these things but he finds them annoying and just ignores me. How can I get him to listen to me? I don't think he understands how scared I am.
You know, you can explain away but the person you're talking to has to show a genuine interest and concern, which this guy just isn't doing. It's just not kind or right for him to do, especially in a sexual/romantic relationship, but it'd also apply if even this were merely a platonic friendship: caring and listening and believing our friends is so important!

quote:
Actually, when I'm on my period, I usually have more loose bowel movements. Yesterday, I had really bad diarrhea.
OK, yes, it can all depend on the person. It sounds like you've gotten a period that seems more like you usually do, so I'm glad to hear that for your sake.

quote:
I would LOVE to hear about your pregnancy paranoia. Maybe we can relate. Because with my circle of friends, I have no one to relate to because I'm pretty sure none of them have had sex before.
First, do you friends know about this relationship? I know you've been with your boyfriend for four years, and to have to keep it a secret from your family for so very long sounds incredibly hard! It's also hard when you feel you can't even go to your friends about it, either. (Fortunately, I had a best friend who was great and later on many more people who helped.)

OK, as for my story, I was also very academic and busy in high school; my parents were very liberal in some ways but dating was very complicated. I dated some people throughout high school but the limitations made it harder to just date "normally." After something with a guy I was really, really into fell through, I started going out with this guy I had known for three years but wasn't actually that attracted to and actually really disliked for awhile but he was willing to sneak around and stuff. My parents knew about it but they didn't know all the details, like how I'd go to his house after school when I said I was staying after for other things. We'd make out and stuff, which was great, but I also knew I didn't want to be in the relationship with him-- this other "dream guy" wanted to ask me out but wasn't sure how to end things with the other guy. We eventually moved to sex, which is something I both wanted and didn't want. When we had intercourse for the first time, I changed my mind but he kept going. (I later realized this was rape, but that's another story.)

I felt so conflicted but I couldn't really talk to my parents about it: I really wanted to reclaim my sexuality with him, make having sex *my* choice, so I kept seeing him secretly. (Which is ironic because I wasn't that attracted to him and it wasn't even 'good' sex! It was really all about him, and while I'd like to think I was enjoying his pleasure, that was something that later become very bothersome.) However, when the condom broke, I went to my parents because I didn't want to get pregnant and wasn't sure what to do! (I went to the doctor and got EC, even if the risk wasn't that big, because while we had used condoms, I wasn't on a back-up form of BC.) It was pretty horrible because my parents then banned me from seeing him again. Still, I'd see him secretly but I eventually stopped; he'd say weird stuff and just didn't treat me right. I remember this moment when we were about to have sex at his house (again, my trying to reclaim things) and we didn't have a condom. He was like, "Can I stick it in... just for a few seconds?" I found that pretty incredulous, I mean, after all I had gone through, to risk going through it again?! That was so selfish on his part, and things ended shortly thereafter.

I started to have major pregnancy worries, like I'd dream it and wake up crying and freaking out as if I really were pregnant, even though I had gone on BCP. He'd say stuff like, "If you were to get pregnant, you could have the baby and live in my parents' basement. I'd go off to college and I'd start to date others but I'd occasionally come back to see you." This is all really ironic considering I got a full scholarship to a private four-year college whereas he was pretending he'd be going off to college when things were a bit different. He was really insecure about himself but he tried to cover that up by putting me down. Totally not fair! I'm glad I got out of it when I did but I wish I had gotten out earlier, too; I know now how totally BS so much of what he said and did was, but it was a lot harder to tell when you're right in the middle of it!

quote:
It does hurt me, though, when he says he wants to find someone else to have sex with. I just know he won't do it. I usually just ignore it. He says a lot of things like that. But I don't know how to make it stop.

We've had many conversations about how much he hurts me with the things he says but I don't think any of it affects him. I think just last night I talked to him about him not thinking before he says things. Because he says hurtful things to me. Also, I talked to him about how I feel like I love him but he doesn't love me back. It's like I do everything for him but I never get anything in return. Ever. I don't know how to get him to start caring about me like he used to. That's actually another thing we talked about. I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore and he claims he does. But the way he acts just shows that he doesn't care. Obviously, because he doesn't even want to listen to me about my paranoia.

It's very understandable that you feel this way: he's just not treating you right! As for making it stop? You can't change him, even if he should change himself, but you can decide whether or not to stay in a relationship with him. I know that's not what you want to hear, and the decision really is yours... but you had mentioned that yourself, "You probably are going to tell me to break up with him." I'm not going to tell you what to do but it does make me really sad to hear that he's treating you so poorly when you deserve to have a great relationship with someone you truly cares for you, who listens to your feelings and respects how you feel, and doesn't pressure you to have sex with him or who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself! But this isn't about finding a better boyfriend or anything, it's really about getting you to a safe space.

For me, the pregnancy paranoid was a manifestation of my fear in the relationship: my fear of getting caught, my fear of getting stuck, my gut telling me that it was wrong even if I was conflicted. My pregnancy fears continued for awhile afterwards but I later recognized it as a sign to avoid relationships, at least type of relationship, for awhile. We are very strong as humans but our guts or our instincts can be very good at showing us when something just isn't right for us, even if we try to plough on with it or we can think it's ok in our heads or hearts. But it's good to listen to those signs, I think. In relationships since then, I haven't had those pregnancy fears pretty much at ALL: I mean, the possibly of pregnancy is always there when you're having certain forms of sex with an opposite-sex partner but you can manage it quite well: like when you've got back-up birth control, a partner whom you feel you can trust, whom you can address your fears with together, etc.

quote:
I don't really know why I'm telling you all of these things but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it because I don't tell anyone about what happens in our relationship so no one really knows I'm hurting inside.
Hey, I totally understand how you're feeling here, how it's hard to deal with these feelings and even harder to feel alone with them. I will say that even though the fallout after the relationship ended was bad, I was also *so* relieved when I first told my parents because it meant I no longer had to sneak around, which is a huge huge stress in and of itself.

quote:
And just to be sure, if I get a negative in the morning then I can stop worrying about pregnancy, correct? What if my period is still light? Also, what causes a light period? Stress? Because I've been way more stressed before but my period was still normal. Can having intercourse for the first time cause a weird period?
Having intercourse for the first time really won't affect your period overall but the amount of stress you're having over it, even if you've said you'd been more stressed out, certainly can affect it, and I think that's the case for you.

That's a lot there, and I don't usually talk about those experiences that often any more: I'm doing really well now but it was hard for awhile, and I really feel for you because I know how hard it is. I don't want to scare you away or make you feel pressured to do anything in particular, but I do care for you and want you to feel better, like no longer having the pregnancy fears. And I can say pretty confidentially that your pregnancy fears are very much connected to how you're not feeling safe in your relationship overall.

Here are some articles I'd like to share with you:

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
To Be... AWESOME or Just Be Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now! (I wrote that one. [Smile] )
On Principles and Desires (A great blog entry by a fellow volunteer and friend of mine.)
Abusive Partner Checklist (I know that label is scary and a relationship can be unhealthy even if you're not checking off boxes per se, but please do check it out.)

:hugs:

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sarahmiller1989
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You've made me feel so much better by just talking to me. That's something my boyfriend can't even accomplish. We're still trying to work out our differences. It's just hard because we're both so preoccupied with our own lives that we don't have much time to talk to each other about our relationship. But I am going to try to talk to him again about this. Maybe he'll start to be understanding again. I might even have him read this thread and he'll see where this stress is coming from.

My friends know about our relationship but they don't know the details. They just know that we're going out but they think everything is okay. He doesn't like me telling other people about what goes on in our relationship.

This doesn't really have much to do with my relationship with my boyfriend but it's just my fears of getting pregnant. Yeah, I'd like to be able to talk comfortably with my boyfriend about these things but I have you guys now! I've known this guy since I was a kid and we didn't even have our first kiss until we were a year into our relationship. And we didn't get sexually active until maybe 2 1/2 to 3 years into our relationship. So we've taken things pretty slow. But after we started getting sexually active, things started to go faster. I was giving him oral, then he'd finger me, then I masturbated him. We did everything sexual without actually having intercourse. It was like that for a couple of months and that's when he started wanting to have sex. I guess he got bored doing the same things and wanted something new.

I actually didn't want to have sex until I was married but we all know that that can be an unrealistic goal. It was in the heat of the moment that we actually had intercourse. I didn't tell him to stop. I don't know how to slow things down again. Any suggestions?

I think you made a good decision by telling your parents to get EC. I couldn't do that with my parents because they would probably kill me for having sex and being with my boyfriend. They almost found out about us before and they told me to stop talking to him and not be friends with him at all. So I'm pretty sure my dad would disown me if he knew I was having SEX with him. He would do that because we're Muslim and obviously pre-marital sex is a HUGE sin but I just don't believe in all that.

I just have a few more questions. So you've been on the BCP for a while now, correct? And you've never gotten pregnant while taking it religiously with condoms? I just want to know if it would increase my chances of preventing pregnancy if I added spermicide and maybe a diaphragm or a female condom? I just want to be absolutely sure that I don't get pregnant and I will do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

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Ecofem
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Hey Sarah,

I've asked another volunteer/staff member to take over this discussion with you because I just don't feel comfortable continuing it knowing how your boyfriend has been treating you and also hearing what I've said has made you want to continue it even more. It's up to you what you choose to do but I just can't support this relationship. We want to help you but we also don't want to help sustain a clearly unhealthy relationship. I worry that stuff I shared with you is giving you more reason or hope to stay in this relationship rather than look for other solutions and it disturbs me that it was interpreted that way.

Before I go, I want to reply to some of your points: I honestly believe that no matter what you do with your boyfriend, what you try to show him or how you might differently, he's not going to treat you better: he's not treating you right at the at least and actually sounds abusive to me. That's not a person you try to reason with or "change" because it's impossible. These aren't "differences" to work out but common courtesy and respect he's not showing you.

You assume that my parents reacted in a good way; they didn't and my life was hell for the remaining months I was living at home. Things are good now but it was incredibly rough. I know it's very hard when your family is so opposed to non-marital sex (mine isn't but they were -- rightfully -- opposed to that situation.) If you think your dad would disown you for having had sex, I'd really, really recommend you stop doing so, focus on school because you'll graduate in three or four months, and then you'll have a ton of freedom! But were your parents to find out or were you to get pregnant right now, that would really, really complicate things.

So, that's where I'm coming from: I don't mean to sound judgemental or what not, but I'm concerned about you and I also need to stick to my boundaries. I'll ask for another volunteer to talk to you about the safer sex and boundaries stuff and will ttyl-- good luck with all of this stuff.

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Heather
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Sarah, I'm just stepping in, but something jumped out at me I'd like to start by asking you about:

quote:
And I only had sex with him because he said he would stay with me forever. (STUPID, I know) But we've been together for 4 years so I trusted him. We are still together but he wants to have sex like no other because we just started having sex. Every time I say I don't want to have sex, he threatens to find someone else to have sex with. But I know he's only joking. I know you're probably going to say that I shouldn't be with him anymore if he does things like that. But I love him with all my heart and making him happy with sex makes me happy.
Was he joking? Is he still? Have you mentioned that threats like that aren't jokes and aren't okay, and if so, has he stopped doing that? Have you since talked about how trying to make a "deal" where you have sex and he stays with you forever (and deal it is highly unlikely he will keep, or you may even always want him to), was not okay?

It doesn't sound like it:
quote:
We've had many conversations about how much he hurts me with the things he says but I don't think any of it affects him. I think just last night I talked to him about him not thinking before he says things. Because he says hurtful things to me. Also, I talked to him about how I feel like I love him but he doesn't love me back. It's like I do everything for him but I never get anything in return. Ever. I don't know how to get him to start caring about me like he used to. That's actually another thing we talked about. I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore and he claims he does. But the way he acts just shows that he doesn't care. Obviously, because he doesn't even want to listen to me about my paranoia.
I hear you saying how happy he makes you, and how happy making him happy makes you.

But at the risk of stating the obvious, what I'm hearing in these quotes and all through this head is that you are very much not happy at all.

That's not at all surprising, mind: you're describing some dynamics here that are strongly unhealthy, potentially emotionally abusive, and not at all loving or the stuff of happy.

It sounds to me, too, like ideally, you really would prefer NOT to be having sex now, and that that have never been what you ideally wanted. How you get things to slow down now, and/or get back to what you really do want is to put the brakes on. To make limits. If you don't want to be having sex anymore because that does not feel right to you (because of your own values, what you really feel read for, and also because it sounds like you got manipulated into it), then you say you do not want to anymore, and someone who loves you respects that (and thus, you), period.

Know how you've said how making him happy makes you happy? You certainly shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in any way or do things you don't really want to to make someone else happy.

In fact, if we love someone, the idea of them doing that for us -- especially with something optional, like sex, rather than say, us needing a kidney donor when were gravely ill -- would be abhorrent, the LAST thing we'd want them to do. A partner we love having sex with us when they really didn't want to but WE wanted to, or only because we made ultimatums, would not make us feel happy: it'd make us feel sick to our stomachs.

If this is someone who cares for you, he's going to feel happy by both making you happy and treating you well, too, and that would certainly include respecting your limits and boundaries, and not doing anything with you you didn't feel able to handle and also didn't really want to, for yourself (not just for him).

Is any of that making sense for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sarahmiller1989
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We talked and everything and he said he totally respected my decision to not have sex right now. We're both really stressed out from school and don't need any additional stress. It makes sense, thank you so much for your concern.

My main concern was just if I had a pregnancy risk or not. My period did end yesterday, it was a little bit lighter but it was still a light flow with red and dark red blood. So I'm guessing it was normal? I also had a negative pregnancy test. But I still feel the need to pee a lot more than usual. Do I even need to be worried about pregnancy anymore?

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Karybu
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You've had a period that sounds pretty normal for you (the occasional lighter or heavier period isn't anything unusual, btw)...that's a clear indication that you are not pregnant. Plus, you've also had a negative test.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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sarahmiller1989
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I know you all said I should stop worrying and that I'm not pregnant. But I can't help but worry. My stomach keeps feeling weird and like I have to pee all the time even after I just went. Also, my back hurts a little and I've been getting some headaches. I've taken 2 pregnancy tests and they were negative. I'm also getting clear and white discharge. What could be wrong with me?
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Heather
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Sounds like what's mostly wrong is that you're affixed to this worry.

So, at this point, your best next step is to go into a doctor's office, get a blood test, and let them know about how you're feeling so they can help you accept that you are not pregnant and let this go.

You can also have them check into these symptoms to be sure you don't need treatment for anything. For instance, feeling like you need to pee all the time and having back pain can be a bladder or kidney infection.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sarahmiller1989
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So you're sure I'm not pregnant? I guess I just need reassurance. I know I had my withdrawal bleed and 2 negative pregnancy tests but I don't know why I keep worrying.
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Heather
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With that bleed and two negative tests, it's exceptionally unlikely.

As to why you keep worrying, it's hard to say, because there are a lot of different reasons a person might when it's clear pregnancy isn't happening. Sometimes it can be because someone doesn't understand pregnancy as a whole. Other times, because a person really doesn't feel okay with the kind of sex they have been having or their relationship. other times still it can be that a person really wants to be pregnant in some way, even if that pregnancy would be unwanted. We can try and talk it out if you like, but I still think that if you're really attached to the idea of being pregnant, you should get a blood test to nip this in the bud. I also think you should have those symptoms checked out, because they may be something that needs treatment.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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