Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Parents VS Boyfriend

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Parents VS Boyfriend
LovinLife
Activist
Member # 39347

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LovinLife     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, thanks for reading this, i have been having issues with my parents and my boyfriend for quite some time now. My parents actually full out hate him. we have been dating 18 months. they wont let me see him or if i want to then i have to fight for it. it causes so many arguments and disagreements. it seems as if by me loving and dating him, i am tearing my family apart. i do not want this to happen however i also am definately not prepared to break up with my boyfriend. now why do my paretns hate him? well he has yelled at me and stuff and have had abusive warning signs, however, they do not see the full story. no i am not passing these off but i am also not breaking up with him. i love him so much and at this moment he is the only thing making me happy. he has changed and is prepared to get counselling on his behaviour. he has been through a lot in his life, however he is learning how to deal with that. now, it seems as if i can never please anyone, either i am happy with my bf and my family is falling apart or i am happy with my family and my bf life is falling apart. things are really bad right now, like really bad. they wont let me see him AT ALL! i honestly do really need to see him outside of school at least once to blow off some steam, etc...but they wont let that happen. they just dont get the fact that i want to and am going to be with him at this time. please give me some advice if you can. i am so stressed out right now and i have absolutely no idea where to turn, im caught between a rock and a hard place.
thanks so much

--------------------
In Love

Posts: 57 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sensei
Neophyte
Member # 41474

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sensei     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
sorry about the post, didnt read clearly

[ 12-08-2008, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: sensei ]

Posts: 18 | From: nowhere | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(sensei, this area is for staff and volunteer replies only. See you on the rest of the boards!)

LovinLife, is this the same guy from this post? If so, I'm really worried about whether or not this is a good relationship for you. When you wrote that post, you seemed to think that it was an unhealthy relationship, and Heather agreed and suggested you try to get out of that relationship. It's less than two months later and you're saying he's a changed man and it's a good relationship. Honey, people don't change overnight like that. I know you want to believe that he's changed, and that he is a good partner, but given what he was doing only a month and a half ago, and how distressed you were then, I just don't see this as a good relationship for you to be in. You say he's been through a lot in his life, but everyone goes through a lot in their lives. Not everyone, however, ends up abusive towards their partners. Life isn't easy for most people, but that doesn't excuse manipulative and controlling behavior like your boyfriend has been displaying.

Let's say that he does go for counselling, and he does just need to work through some things and then he'll be a good partner. Therapy can take a long time before a person can start to see some improvements. In the meantime, maybe it would be good for the two of you to take some time apart so he can figure things out and work on his own healing, and so you can strengthen your relationship with your family and friends and do some healing of your own.

There's a really fantastic website I think you should take a look at. It's loveisrespect and that link I gave you has a quiz you can take to see if the relationship you are in is a healthy one or not. They also have a ton of information about patterns of abuse (for instance, him telling you that he just has had a rough life and will get therapy is part of the pattern and those are some really common excuses abusers will make for their behavior) and how to spot abuse. We also have a fantastic article called Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault that I highly recommend giving a read. As the title suggests, it can be really eye-opening.

[ 12-08-2008, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LovinLife
Activist
Member # 39347

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LovinLife     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks so much. i understand what you are saying. i am so confused with my life right now. i just need someone to talk to, ya know?

--------------------
In Love

Posts: 57 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

Icon 1 posted      Profile for orca     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand that. I'm glad to talk to you about this some more if you want and are comfortable with that. I can also help you find some local resources, like counselling and support groups, if you are interested in that. It sounds like your family does care about you a lot. I know it hurts when your family doesn't like the person you are dating, but sometimes they can see things you can't see, and from what you've written about this guy in the past, it sounds like they have reason to not be so fond of him.

In my last relationship, my oldest sister despised my boyfriend. I used to get into heated arguments with her about it, asking her why she just couldn't like him and accept him. She didn't like him because she saw what I had become when I was with him, how I felt horrible about myself and always walked with my shoulders hunched, afraid to talk to anyone, keeping to myself, and talking to him gently, as though he were a child or the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. She also saw how he mistreated me, making me into his servant, degrading me in front of other people, touching me inappropriately. She didn't even know the worst of it, never saw it, until I told her later, but she knew that the realtionship was bad. Now that I'm out of it, I know she was only trying to protect me and help me, save me from falling into a terrible depression and losing all my self-confidence and self-worth, prevent me from giving up all of myself to another person who would never really love or appreciate me. Even when I was angry at her and yelled at her for not liking my boyfriend, she was still there for me, just as I'm sure your family will be there for you, too. So maybe you could try reaching out to them for support right now? How's the rest of your support network looking like? Do you have any close friends you feel you could go to for help?

If you want, you might also try giving RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, a call (1-800-656-HOPE). They also have an online hotline that you can use if you don't feel comfortable talking on the phone. You can also call the number listed on the site for loveisrespect that I linked to you above. And of course, you can talk about these things here, too. We're always glad to listen and help when we can. Do you want to talk about why you're feeling so confused with your life right now? What all is going on that's causing you to feel so bad?

[ 12-08-2008, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3