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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » worried again

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Author Topic: worried again
fallchild
Activist
Member # 28780

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I might just be freaking out over nothing, but in case it's not nothing, here goes. Me and a friend were making out and we started rubbing each other genitals with our hands without gloves. Probably only for a couple minutes and then we stopped. He didn't finger me, but he rubbed my clit and kind of "around." There wasn't any oral sex involved. Could we have just put ourselves at risk? Could I have given him an STI just from touching me?

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Unprotected manual sex poses some risks, but they're very minimal. Ultimately, minimal enough that for a person only engaging in manual sex, I personally wouldn't even say that yearly STI tests are needed yet.

And those minimal risks wouldn't actually be to him: they'd be to you.

But if you're not sure if you have any current STIs or not, to the point you're worried about transmitting something to someone else, finding out is as simple as just getting tested.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallchild
Activist
Member # 28780

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Thank you so much Heather! But I had something else to say about this little incident: my ex-boyfriend (the one who refused to use safer-sex practices for a LONG time) found out about the touching-without-gloves event. First of all, he was hurt that I did something with someone else (he said it was a little "soon"), but second and worst of all, he pretty much told me I was a hypocrite because I was really strict with safer-sex practices with him (after I implemented them) but I wasn't with this other person. That made me feel about an inch tall, but in my defense I told him that I wasn't worried about STI's if there wasn't any actual fingering involved and that the biggest reason I was so strict with him (my ex) was because I was so angry he refused to use safer-sex practices for the longest time. I told him that the gloves I made him wear were hardly for STI's, but to restore a balance of the power (?) in the relationship because I felt he was being abusive. Since this other person had no history of that and I knew the "proceedings" wouldn't go further than touching because I didn't want them to, I didn't worry about gloves. Am I a bad person? I might just be making up excuse and am in fact a huge hypocrite, but I don't want to be.

Side note? I'm never doing anything sexual when intoxicated again. It makes me more apt to rationalize and takes away my ability to say NO.

And really? The reason I posted the first freak-out session in this thread was because of the ex situation. Part of me was really worried, but part of me wasn't. But thanks for the advice.

[ 05-06-2008, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: fallchild ]

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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You know, quite often we see posters mentioning a partner (or themselves about a partner) being upset that sex was a part of a previous relationship. The thing about it is though, everyone is ready for sex at their own time – and the amount of time with someone or the age of the person doesn’t mean that they will be ready for sex with a different partner in any given amount of time (or at all for that matter). And really, it’s not something anyone should be upset about when it’s ultimately not their decision. Being ready and wanting to have any type of sex with another person is up to those involved and is a decision that they have to make based on what they’re personally ready for.

Too, it’s your right (and really you should) to decide what ways in which you want to protect yourself in a sexual relationship. If you want him to use gloves (or any type of protection really) and he doesn’t want to, well then he will have to choose between doing so or not having sex. What you choose to do to make you comfortable with any sexual partner need not bank on what you’ve done previously. He needs to be comfortable sharing the responsibility and especially being willing to share respect with you. You need to know that the boundaries you set up and the decisions you make will be honored throughout. That certainly doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You have the right to set up boundaries and really your partner needs to respect them.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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fallchild
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Member # 28780

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Wow, thank you very much Stephanie. Suddenly I feel much taller than an inch [Smile]

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Can I also ask why your ex is so filled-in in the intimate details of your current sex life? Flatly, I don't see any reason to have had this conversation with him at all, nor about your previous sexual relationship with him.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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