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Author Topic: under a lot of stress... advice please?!?
oh_em_gee
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my boyfriend and i were together for a year. then a couple weeks after our anniversary he, almost randomly, decided he wants to break up. we had taken two other breaks before, and i told him if we broke up this time, i wouldn't get back together later on. but he told me he was certain and he wanted to.

and so i'm single. and there is a guy i've had a tiny crush on since maybe a month before my x and i broke up. i'll call him D. soon after my x dumped me, i found out D actually likes me back. and its awesome because i've always been drawn to him since i met him 2 or 3 years ago. (and he's gorgeous [Big Grin] but then so is my x [Frown] )

since i've become single, it seems like my life has gotten more exciting. when my x and i were together, i was somewhat anti social and he was the only person i actually wanted to hang out with. since i've become single, i've been hanging out with different people almost every day. (i've been hanging out with D a lot too) i'm not the same person i was before i got into my 1st serious relationship. before my x, i was pretty innocent and young. whats happened with D would have never happened back then. we've hung out a couple other times, but only the 3rd time we hung out alone at his house we ended up having sex. (he's only the 2nd guy i've been with, so its really new to me to do that with someone besides my x)


anyways. i think thats the background..

now.. i'm really starting to like D, and it would be nice if we ever ended up going out. but i wonder if i'm confused and he's only a rebound. and i'm confused about him because he's sweet, and everyone i know that knows him says he's awesome. but one of my closer friends also said that he doesn't really last long in relationships, and that he was kind of a dick to his last girlfriend. but then with what i've seen of him, i don't see how he could be like that, and i think she's a little too negative about guys sometimes. so that makes me even more confused.

AND.. my x and i are still hanging out. yesterday was terrible. i hung out with D in the afternoon (and we had sex for the 2nd time). and THEN (after hanging out with some of my female friends), i hung out with my x that night. he told me hes falling apart and that he regrets breaking up with me more than anything. he actually started CRYing. i couldn't stand seeing him like that. i started crying and told him he deserves better than me and to stop wasting his energy and feeling depressed over me. i felt guilty about having sex with D just earlier that day (even though i AM single). all i could tell my x was that i like some guy and that i made out with him. i feel like the pain i feel for going so far with D is my burden, and that my x doesn't deserve to feel all of the pain and to know how much has happened. and i also feel that when i told my x i didn't want to get back together, i meant it. and so subconsciously, having sex with D was a way to stay true to that, by making me feel like i've gone too far now and i've damaged any chance of getting back together with my x.

i sleptover at my x's house last night. he told me he couldn't even function and just needed me to be there. later we were watching this movie and i was falling asleep (somehow he wasn't even tired after being up 30 hours..) and my x starts getting on me and tells me he wants to have sex with me (not even 10 hours after i did with D) and i figured maybe he wants to feel like he's still close to me so i did. but mostly i just laid there and it was painful. it was never that way before. then we finally fell asleep at like 2 in the morning.

today, my x told me he's trying to move out of here and to somewhere else thats half an hour away so he can get away from me and get over our relationship. and i feel like once he's gone, i'm going to fall apart. he's the only thing thats kept me going when i went through a LOT of shizola and depression the last year. and i feel like (maybe irrationally) there is no chance with D. and i feel like i'm weak and f*cked up, and that i've created a huge mess. and i'm angry at my x for breaking up with me in the first place because if he hadn't, nothing would have ever happened with D.

i've decided i'm going to have my mind made up by SATURDAY. i'm either going to
1) get back together with my x
2) let my x move away, and hope things will work with D
3) let my x move away, hope things will work with D, and go back to liking a different guy every 2 weeks (or less)
4) let my x move away, and forget guys (the decision i REALLY don't want to make)

[ 07-12-2007, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: oh_em_gee ]

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ErinK
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Do you want us to move this to the relationships section so that you can get feedback from all the people using the board and also since it's not an emergency or a crisis?

Oh, and I would say "let your ex go, and see what happens." Why do you have to decide by Saturday, anyways?

[ 07-12-2007, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: ErinK ]

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oh_em_gee
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Sure I guess. But after I wrote so much, and I feel like my life is falling apart, and this is all I can think about, this is the only reply I get? That my heart breaking is not an emergency or crisis?

[ 07-12-2007, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: oh_em_gee ]

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KittenGoddess
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(Generally this particular part of the boards is for things like medical emergencies and the like, that's why Erin asked if you wanted us to move this to a section of the boards where you could get more input.)

Sweetie, I see you talking a lot about what's good for everybody else and not about what it is that YOU want here.

Clearly there was something going on in your past relationship that wasn't good, right? You said you'd had several breaks and had made the decision that this just wasn't going to work. That's a sound decision. Lots of times there are people that we really care about, but being in a relationship with them just isn't workable. Ya know? You can still care about him and know that a relationship isn't going to be healthy for you. And frankly, it sounds a bit like your ex is using the situation to try to manipulate you. His not respecting your wishes about wanting to stay separate and then proposing sex (which you really didn't want).

Sounds to me like you need some time away from all of this to sort yourself our and figure out what it is that YOU really want.

--------------------
Sarah Liz

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-Lauren-
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(I deleted oh_em_gee's original post in Relationships upon request. I think she was seeking staff/volunteer replies, but simply chose the wrong spot. [Smile] )
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Heather
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You know, oh_em_gee, what I find in situations like this where you feel backed into a wall in choosing between X and Y in terms of partnerships that are both iffy-to-no-good (or simply temporary), is that if one must make an immediate decision the best one to make is usually to not do ANYTHING drastic about EITHER.

Deciding to go back with an ex that involves a move is a HUGE decision, and one which would require a good deal of time and talking to be sure about. Choosing between a longstanding relationship and something so new you can't know what it is? Also huge. Neither are choices which could wisely be made in just a few days.

You can still see an ex who lives an hour away. You can also still explore a brand-new dating relationship without giving it the weight of a serious one, over time.

One thing that really stood out to me in all you said was this:

quote:
since i've become single, it seems like my life has gotten more exciting. when my x and i were together, i was somewhat anti social and he was the only person i actually wanted to hang out with. since i've become single, i've been hanging out with different people almost every day.
That's the part that sounds both very clear to me and also very positive. (And also not like option three, which, combined with the other two, sounds a whole lot like you feel the need to be with someone romantically at all times.) That's the part I'd be looking to preserve and hold on to.

One other thing I'm seeing here is an inability to be honest with this ex: about not wanting sex, about being sexually active with someone else, about your feelings here. It's understandable that it's difficult to be honest in these situations, but it's also really not doable or healthy for anyone not to be.

You sound HAPPY being single, making new friends, etc. So, in thinking about what to do here, I'd keep THAT part of all of this in the forefront of your mind, and prioritize it over anything else.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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oh_m_gee
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((i couldn't log in so i had to make a new account))

Thanks so much for the replies.
I'm NOT happy being single. My life has gone to hell since we broke up and I'm not sure if the good things like being more busy are as good as being with my ex.

My x and I had problems, and a lot of them were because we were each others first real relationship. We broke up because he felt like he needed space. It was terrible for me because the last 2 months with him were so nice. I love him more than anything and he still wanted to break up. Now he tells me it was stupid to break up and he didn't realize how happy he was with me. If it wasn't for D (and how my life has changed) I would already be back together with my ex because I never wanted to break up in the first place.

I feel like no matter what choice I make, I'm going to lose. I feel terrible and bitter because things with my ex ended too early and while our relationship was still amazing. And I'm saying I want to make a decision by saturday because all of this has been bothering me for almost 2 weeks now and I can't stand it any longer.

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oh_m_gee
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And of course this situation has to become even more complex.

I just talked to D. A few years ago (when he was still a minor) he got caught with weed, and so he had to do some community service hours. So he did them, but now they're saying he didn't and if he can't prove he did he'll have to go to jail for a month.

oh em gee everything is so retarded. I'm sick of life.

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Heather
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Well, now I'm confused because yesterday, you clearly WERE expressing that single life had been good for you in those respects.

I should add that it's also sometimes normal, when a couple -- or one member of a couple -- knows an impending breakup is on the horizon, for things to have a honeymoon period before they culminate. You accept certain things, stop having certain battles, because you know or feel you won't be having them much longer.

Like I said, an hour away is nothing, really. (And I say this from having a LOT of long distance -- earnestly long distance -- relationships. Heck, when I lived in Chicago, given traffic and the spread of the city, most folks I dated lived an hour or so away. My current partner and I met at a wedding clear across the country from where I lived -- almost 2,000 miles away -- and did long distance for a year until we were together full-time.)

So, why not find a new option? I add option 5 to your list: let your ex move. Keep talking, and start by being very honest about the other night: that you have been sexually active over your break, that you did start seeing someone else, and that the other night, you did not want to have sex, which, if you were just laying there, he knew. If you can't communicate about these issues now, y'all can't even really be friends, let alone partners. See where this talk takes you.

If it takes you to a good place, consider letting him move, and seeing each other again gradually, over time, without a commitment and without diving headfirst back in too fast, too soon.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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oh_m_gee
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Thanks so much for your advice! I really love your site.

Thursday.. (the 12th) I called my ex and told him that I had sex with D TWICE and that I had tuesday the day I had sleptover. He actually wasn't that mad because he had kind of thought so anyways, and me waiting that long to tell him turned out to be good timing because he had prepared himself for it..

And thursday.. I talked to my therapist and considering everything with my x and everything with D, it seemed like the best thing to do was get back together with my ex. And so we ended up doing that. And we've been hanging out almost nonstop since thursday.

I mostly feel like this was the right choice and I love him even more than I did before we broke up. But the problem now is.. I MISS D! And he is angry with me and thinks I used him. Its depressing and I can get over that, but whats really bothering me is, I don't really want my boyfriend anymore. Sex feels like a chore, and he doesn't turn me on like D does. I don't know what to do. Its like my boyfriend has all of my heart, but D has my body.

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oh_m_gee
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no replies.... [Frown]
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JamsessionVT
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Honey, I know this is a big deal for you, but you have to remember that all the volunteers here have their own jobs and lives to attend to outside of the boards. Sometimes we miss posts, or just can't log on as often as we'd like. Have some patience, OK?

--------------------
Abbie
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oh_m_gee
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Its been two days. If you had the time to reply to a meaningless post less than 30 minutes after I write it, I would think you have the time to reply to something that actually matters.


I'm sorry if I'm being bitchy, its not like me, but I've been feeling sick for 3 weeks now from all the stress and I'm getting really tired of even living.

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KittenGoddess
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Sweetie, I guess I'm not really sure what you're looking for here.

I'd agree with what Heather told you earlier, the product of a "forced choice" that must be made right this second is often something that's not necessarily going to be the best thing in the end. Having so much of your happiness and your own mental space tied up in another person isn't a healthy basis for any relationship. So from the perspective of someone outside the situation, it's not terribly surprising that you are still torn up by this. If you can't step away from all of this and sort yourself out (and that's going to take far more than a few days or a week), then you're probably not going to get any peace about this because everyday will be a new, dramatic choice among a few options, none of which are particularly good.

You'd also be wise to consider who all of this is really good for. I mean, is it fair to either of you to be in a relationship where you're only sorta happy? Would it be fair to be in a relationship with that other person where you were only sorta happy? The hard answer to that question is that no, it's not fair. You're committing yourself to be unhappy and you're also subscribing the other person to the same situation. Now granted, your partner has the same right, freedom, and responsibility to walk away from a relationship that is not truly or totally fulfilling...but if he doesn't know that you're not happy or that anything's wrong, it's awful hard to know that call needs to be made.

You know, we can love people with all of our hearts and want the best for them...and at the same time know that being in a romantic relationship with them is not the best for either of you. And you know, we can also be very physically attracted to someone else and know that being in a romantic relationship with them is not the best for either of you.

You know, there are other choices available. You don't have to decide between these two guys. It is possible, and probably a good idea, to quit wallowing in all of this drama. You can focus on yourself and figuring out what YOU want. And then start looking for a relationship in which ALL of your needs are fulfilled.

--------------------
Sarah Liz

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KittenGoddess
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And just another thought to toss out at you here...and you can take this as you will...

Based on what you've said here, it sounds more than a bit like you're at least a little bit addicted to all of this drama. Look at your posts in this thread, when you don't receive a reply, the automatic response is to dial up the tone. Considering that in conjunction with your desire to force a decision among two not-so-good options...I'd guess that at least some part of you craves the drama and and enjoys some of the attention that this situation brings. That may explain a part of your unwillingness to hold off on making a choice or to choose not to be with either of these guys.

--------------------
Sarah Liz

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oh_m_gee
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I kind of wonder myself if I try to make my life more dramatic and negative. And I don't know how to get out of this mindset.

But my boyfriend is going to go with me to my therapist on thursday, and try to figure out what we want to do and if he can forgive me for being with that other guy.

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KittenGoddess
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Well, based on what you've said here alone, it wouldn't surprise me if you were enjoying the drama on some level. Rest assured, it's not something you're alone in doing...there are plenty of people in this world who dial up the drama in their lives (heck, I'm related to quite a few of them). But what you have to understand about doing that is that while it does get you attention, it's not the kind of attention that you REALLY want. And not only are you creating an environment that's difficult for others, you're also creating a space that's not healthy for YOU. So that might be something to work on with your therapist.

Regarding your situation with your boyfriend...I'm not exactly clear on what it is that he needs to "forgive" you for? Unless I've missed something, the two of you were not together when you interacted with the other guy. Yes? In which case, I guess I don't really understand why you have to answer to him for your behavior when you were NOT in a monogamous relationship with him at the time.

--------------------
Sarah Liz

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oh_m_gee
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Its because I had decided that me and my boyfriend should agree not to have sex with anyone for at least a month after we broke up. And then the next day (either that or 2 days after) I ended up doing that with D. And I did that twice. And I think thats what my boyfriend is angry with me for.

I don't try to create drama for attention. I'm not just a simple drama queen. What you didn't understand (and what I don't even understand) is I seem to somewhat like negative feelings. Like even when no one is around or knows, I'll hurt myself for some reason. The only example I can think of right now is the day I wouldn't let myself eat anything for 30 hours. I wasn't doing that for attention, I was doing that to make myself suffer.

[ 07-17-2007, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: oh_m_gee ]

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