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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » pregnant and unsure

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Author Topic: pregnant and unsure
worriedwoman
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I am almost 12 weeks pregnant and very scared.

I had sex with two different men (one being my husband)during my last fertile period back in June. Please don't judge me. There is a lot to this situation that I don't have time to post. With the other guy, I used a condom, and sex happened twice. He did everything by the books: didn't touch me with his penis until the condom was on, wore a properly fitted condom, we did not have vigorous or lengthy sex (less time for tears or breaks), and he pulled out immediately after ejaculation (meanwhile holding the base of the condom). He also tested the condoms in the bathroom, by squeezing down on the tip, to make sure there were no holes in the tip. All appeared perfect.

Okay, so I reconciled with my husband, went home, and had sex with him, unprotected, as usual. Well...we have used the withdrawal method for a year and a half (and I've never gotten pregnant before). My last missed period was June 19th. I was supposed to ovulate on July 3rd, but sometimes I ovulate a little early. He slipped up and ejaculated some of his semen in me during the last week of June...I think it was the 28th or 29th. We also had sex (withdrawal method) on the 30th (of June), 1st, 2nd and 4th (of July). THIS HAS NEVER GOTTEN ME PREGNANT BEFORE, so I am FREAKING OUT! Why now? I had sex with the other man on the 27th and 29th of June, protected. And like I detailed above, it truly was two 30-something adults, paranoid of pregnancy, doing everything possible to use a condom correctly.

What do you honestly think here? Do you think the condom got me pregnant? Or the withdrawal method or possible impregnation from my husband's slipup in ejaculation? EVERYONE thinks it's my husband's baby. My guilt and fear (and hormones) are driving me wild. I just need an honest opinion, not meant to scare OR sugarcoat. Please help me. I'm out of my mind. My husband is now in counseling and I want to work things out with him and have his baby. [Frown] I'm just having trouble assessing the odds, even though I know no one can say for sure.

Posts: 14 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Honestly?

Withdrawal isn't a sound method of birth control, so the truth is, a pregnancy was bound to happen eventually. Using it for a year and a half with some vague charting and then having a pregnancy actually sounds right on schedule to me.

This is a far more likely scenario than a condom failure, when you state you used them properly and did not experience breakage.

Flatly, I'd suggest that in repairing your relationship, you be truthful about the other relationship regardless, but I sincerely doubt that relationship was where the pregnancy occurred.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedwoman
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Thank you Miz Scarlet.

I appreciate your input.

The only reason I have not told my husband is because of his anger issues, and others have advised, since the child is more than likely his, it wouldn't be in his best interest to know...at least right now. I struggle with that, because I want to clear my own conscience, but know that might not a selfish thing right now. [Frown] It's taking a toll on me, though.

One more question...I read varying information all over the internet about how long sperm can live in a woman's body. What is the shortest case scenario and the longest case scenario...and what is the average?

Thank you for your help, very sincerely.

Posts: 14 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Does anger issues = abuse?

It's pretty impossible to say the shortest case, because there'd really be no way of determining that unless someone did a study where they swabbed women for semen en masse every day after intercourse.

But no longer than seven days, and on average, we're probably talking 3-5.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedwoman
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Never physical abuse, but most definitely mental abuse. The months leading up to my indiscretion were horrible, at least to the point where I personally couldn't deal with it. He would get drunk and call me names and tell me he regretted marrying me and that I was "nothing", "ugly" etc. And then wake up the next morning, and be full of apologies. This happened NUMEROUS times. I don't know if someone else would characterize that as abuse or not, but it wreaked havoc on me emotionally and mentally.

I have two questions...and I do promise I will stop bugging you shortly.

1) I notice from your website that spermicidal condoms are not recommended. That's what we used, and they were at least eight months old, but definitely not expired. Is that risky?

2) How common are microscopic holes in condoms? And how does one know if a break or tear occurs? Is it always obvious or sometimes undetectable? I'm so scared of those things.

Thanks again...I promise this is the last of it.

Posts: 14 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
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1) No, as long as the condoms did not break, like you explained, pregnancy is highly unlikely with any condom. The reason that we suggest NOT using spermicidal condoms is because spermicide is a huge irritant, which can increase risk of dryness/irritation/friction and also increases the risk of trnasmitting infection (if fluids would have been shared); and also because the amount of spermicide on a spermicidal condom is no where near enough to kill all the sperm that would be present if a condom were to break.

2) Microscopic holes in condoms are EXTREMELY rare (the FDA allows no more than 4 in every 1000 in condom testing, and that is a maximum, condom standards are very high), and latex, as a material, pretty much does not stand up to holes, period.

A tear/break in a condom almost always destroys the condom, so it's not something you wouldn't be aware of.

(And don't worry about the questions, that's what we're here for, and you are asking some valuable ones [Smile] )

Also, hon, we most definitely DO consider mental/emotional abuse as real abuse! Are these issues what he is receiving counseling for now? Do you have anyone close (family members, close friends, etc.) that you are able to speak to about the issues and who can offer you safe haven if you ever need it, either while your husband is working on this or any other time you may need it?

--------------------
Jean
aka dailicious
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worriedwoman
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So, really, I shouldn't have much to worry about with the use of condoms in that relationship? For some reason, in my mind, I keep trying to find a hole or break in that condom that wasn't there...I know that sounds crazy, but since I have never gotten pregnant from withdrawal method with my husband before, and this is the only time I've ever slept with someone else, it just feels like I am going to HAVE to be pregnant with this other guy. Even though everyone says it surely can't be. Is that just a mental issue that I have?

When you say that 4 out of 1000 condoms are allowed to have holes, does this mean they go on the market for consumers to buy!?!?!

I have wonderful friends and family who will and have helped me. I just want to put this all behind me and focus on my pregnancy and starting anew with my husband. He really is doing better. I am just depressed because I wasn't really sure what the hidden risk of condoms were...and of course my guilt from sleeping with someone else. [Frown]

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Heather
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Again, what you're missing is that withdrawal is WAY less effective than condoms.

And winding up pregnant after a year and a half of withdrawal use is not all that unusual. It's normal for people TRYING to conceive, without using anything, to wait 6 months for conception to happen. You used a non-method. It failed in reasonable time for it to fail.

(However, if you have not yet had an STI screening, you NEED to do that, pronto.)

And no, those do not go into the market.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dailicious
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Honestly? Like Miz S told you, it was really LUCK that kept you from becoming pregnant using the withdrawl method for as long as you did. It is NOT a proper form of birth control, and you would definitely not be the first woman to become pregnant while using withdrawl with her partner.

I think it's probably much more of your own feelings/guilt/whatever you're feeling right now that is influencing your worries about being pregnant from this other man and not your husband, your own mind is a powerful force in influencing what you're feeling, what worries you have, anxiety, etc. Relastically, your risk with this other man is pretty much as close to zero as you could possibly get.

As far as the condoms- again, the standards for condoms are incredibly high. (Those condoms that may have with holes like that? They're probably the ones that are actually more likely to break, even when used properly, and especially considering the strain of not only intercourse with ejaculation, but also because you tested the condoms with water, exerting more pressure on any possible holes, it's just one of those incredibly unlikely scenarios).

Have you thought of seeking out any personal, professional counselling for yourself? It could not only help you with some of your own anxieties and guilt you may feel, but it's not an easy thing to be the victem of abuse, not by any means at all. Also, by having your own counselor, you may find it easier to have an unbiased outlet who can help you see if you're in a situation that is distructive to you/in case your husband does relapse and continues his abuse/be one more support not only in your pregnancy but in protecting your own physical and mental well-being at this time.

(Mindmeld!)

[ 09-08-2006, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]

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Jean
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worriedwoman
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Thank you both, so much. I truly, truly appreciate you listening to me today and helping me. It means more to my mental health than you could possibly know.
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worriedwoman
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Sorry to post again, but I have a quick question. And I'm also worried. My husband mentioned this morning that he actually didn't think he slipped up inside of me at all that one week before I got pregnant. Do you think that makes any difference to my situation? He says that he definitely felt like he was going to, and that he was pulling out right when he felt like he was coming, but isn't sure if he actually released sperm in me or not. I am tempted to believe him because he's been very controlled about his semen/sperm release for the last year and a half. Anyway, I was wondering if you think that could make any difference to my situation. OH, and a lot of doctors say there is new research that says there isn't any sperm in pre-ejaculate. Is this true?

Thanks.

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Heather
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I haven't seen that new research anywhere. We have always known that if, say, a man has urinated just before intercourse, it's very unlikely sperm in in pre-ejaculate fluids. And that it's more typical for sperm to be in pre-ejaculate when, for instance, a man has ejaculated once via masturbation or partnered sex, then right away gone into more sex.

Please again understand that the typical use effectiveness rate of withdrawal is about 50%. Of condoms is about 80-85%.

This means that no matter what, it is FAR more likely this occurred with your spouse, especially since you are telling us you used the condom properly, for all genital contact, with no rips. When that's the case, there is nowhere for semen to BE but inside the condom.

But you know what? We can't help you not worry about this in general, and not apply guilt and worry about infidelity to your pregnancy situation. We also, as no one could, cannot say with absolute certainty, who would be the father in this pregnancy. Obviously, we can advise you that you can consider terminating this pregnancy if all of this is just too much for you to deal with and you do not wish to be pregnant at all.

Obviously, we can suggest, again, that you be honest about this situation with your spouse, and if your worries about honesty are about being abused for it, that you not remain in an abusive relationship.

But per paternity issues, a DNA test is going to be the only 100% certain way for you to have an answer here, and that can only be done after a birth.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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