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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » I don't know if this counts...

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Author Topic: I don't know if this counts...
nmcowgirl87
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Member # 17353

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I don't know if this counts as a crisis, but I'm really freaked out. I just found out that my Mom has Hepititus C. She's a former alcoholic, so her liver isn't in that great of shape anyway. I'm laid up right now (or supposed to be anyway) and I absolutely have to go back to work tomorrow. I rode for like 10 minutes this morning and that's all I could do because it hurt so bad. For someone who normally rides 10-14 hrs a day, that's pretty serious. All my clients are ticked off at me because their horses are being ridden by other staff members instead of me, and my students aren't too happy about having my best friend give them there lessons instead of me. I feel really guilty about making everyone else do my work just because I'm a little sore.

All this on top of the normal "parents getting divorced" drama that goes on. My trainer just told me that I have to lose 6 more pounds before the 21st for a fashion show I'm modeling in, and I'm already only eating 300 calories a day. I'm so scared that because I haven't been working out the past four day's that I'll gain weight. I'm such a wreck.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with, but then I think about all the responsibilities I'd be leaving other people to deal with, and I can't do it. It scares me, because all it would take is a two minute walk down to the barn and 12 ccs of acepromazine. Please help!


Posts: 64 | From: Carlsbad, NM USA | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Member # 5375

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First, if you're feeling suicidal get immediate help. We try to be prompt here but we are by no means immediate. Call a friend or really anyone you trust. The national suicide hotline number is 1-800-SUICIDE; you can call there at any time. This page may be helpful as well.

As far as your professional obligations, those simply have to wait until you are physically able to do them. I can sympathize with your frustration at being temporarily unable to do your job but keep in mind that it is in fact temporary. If you feel like you're not healing fast enough it's reasonable to check in with your doctor and see if there's anything you can do to help yourself.

However, your clients and students should understand that you need a little more time before you can go back at full swing. It sounds like you have everything taken care as well as you can without actually doing it yourself and that's all anyone can reasonably expect from you.

You've mentioned struggling with disordered eating before so I'm sure you know that what you're doing now is not healthy. Let me say it directly though: under no circumstances is eating only 300 calories a day healthy. I'd also bet that eating so little isn't helping you heal at all. If you got help for this before it sounds like you need to go back to that person now. If you've never received any sort of counseling, seriously consider looking into it.

Actually, counseling in general sounds like it might be beneficial right now. You're under a great deal of stress and having someone impartial to talk to could be very helpful. While there isn't much you can do about your mother having hepatitis or your parents' divorce, you're certainly going to be affected by it. Having a resource like a counselor can give you some support and help you gain an outside perspective.

From your posts I've found you to be a strong and intelligent person so I think you'll make it through all of this. Asking for help here is a good first step but don't let it end here; do what you can to get yourself some real life support.

Please keep us updated and let us know if you need help finding resources or with anything else.


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nmcowgirl87
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I'll do some calling Monday and see if I can find a councilor. The only one I know about in town I won't go to (her receptionist is a former friend who slept with an ex-boyfriend of mine). There's a psychiatrist in El Paso I use to go to for the ED, but he won't see anyone unless they come three times a week. I was living in El Paso at the time, so it worked then but my doctor hasn't released me to drive yet so I really can't do that now.

As far as work goes, I rode six hours this morning but it was awful. I still can't work colts, but tuning up the finished horses isn't so bad. It's really hard when a client goes and buys a $35,000 horse and then says "I want him in the June futurity. Do it." People don't take well to being told that they're paying $950 a week to have an assistant ride their horse. I actually had a lady pull one of her horses from our program this morning because I wasn't out of bed when she got here at 5:30 am (I know, I just shouldn't be lazy ). My students are doing ok, but I feel really bad about letting them down so close to an important rodeo. Next weekend is a finals qualifying barrel race, and I'm going to have to ride two different horses. I don't know if I can do that and help them too.

As far as what I'm eating, I have a trainer and a fair queen coach watching my every move. There's no way I can eat anything without them knowing. In fact, my mom got in a huge fight with Cindy (my queen coach and 4-H leader) about her not letting me have any salad dressing on my salad last night because I didn't go running in the morning like I was supposed to. Sometimes I feel like all the arguments over what's best for me arn't helping at all. I really want to win fair queen, but I can't deal with everyone telling me what to do all the time. I have to go shopping for my outfits today, so I know I'll get in trouble when everyone finds out that I can't fit in 00 jeans yet. I guess I'll just deal with that when it happens and not worry until then, lol.

I can't tell you all how much your support means to me. I hate putting my problems off on other people, so it's really hard for me to tell anyone anything. My best friend from Texas is coming tomorrow to help me ride, so at least I'll have him to talk to. I think he's even going to stay until August, so (theoretically) that will take some of that pressure off me. He's even better with horses than I am, and all my students positively adore him so maybe that will even get my clients and student's off my back! Besides that, he knows everything that I've been through and what's going on now, so he understands. His parent's got divorced three years ago, so he's totally been there. Jade called him last night, and he was like "I'll start packing tonight and finish in the morning. See you Sunday." I got in a fight with her about her calling him away from all his stuff, but we made up pretty quick.\

Thank you all sooooooo much!
Tab


------------------
Ride it like you stole it!

[This message has been edited by nmcowgirl87 (edited 05-15-2004).]


Posts: 64 | From: Carlsbad, NM USA | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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Glad to hear you're going to look into finding some professional support, not to mention the real life support it sounds like you'll be getting when your friend arrives.

Have you kept your clients informed of what they can and can't reasonably expect of you right now? Regular communication might make them feel more secure, especially if they're unsure of what's going on. I'm sorry you lost a client this morning but unless she had an appointment with you, it sounds like she was being quite unrealistic, not mention rude.

Something to keep in mind is that your mother probably is thinking only of you, while Cindy likely has other interests as well. While it reflects well on both to have you win fair queen, it really isn't Cindy's concern if you damage your body while doing so. The fact that eating only 300 calories a day doesn't seem entirely unhealthy to you makes me believe you're not thinking about this in a healthy way. This is where I think professional counseling will be more beneficial than anything you can receive here or from friends.

I've found a couple of resources in Carlsbad that may be helpful. I couldn't find anything specific to eating disorders but you may at least be able to get a referral. You could also call the doctor you had in El Paso and see if he can refer you to somewhere local.

Carlsbad Mental Health Assoc
914 N Canal St
Carlsbad, NM 88220
(505) 885-4836

Professional Counseling Social
1031 N Thomas St
Carlsbad, NM 88220
(505) 887-9290

Reif Laurie L PHD - Wellness Clinic
516 N Canal St
Carlsbad, NM 88220
(505) 885-3260

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 05-16-2004).]


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nmcowgirl87
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Thank you soooooo much for the support! I found a councilor (finally), and things have been so much better since Ty (my friend from TX) has gotten here. He managed to get appointments with the surgeon that's treating my ribs, my orthopedist for my knee, my pediatrician, and the nutritional councilor at the hospital all in the same day (normally it takes a couple of weeks to even get an appointment....he's so great!). My pediatrician and surgeon have changed around my pain killers so that I can take a lot less medication and feel better that I did when I was taking it. I actually woke up this morning feeling like a human being, and right now that's way more than I was hoping for! My orthopedist took a bunch of x-rays, and it turns out that one of the ligaments that they repaired when I had my knee surgery has pulled away from the pin that was holding it. He said it would be pretty simple to fix (fortunately for me) and I have an out-patient surgery scheduled for August. The nutritionist was really nice (I was scared about this one, lol) and we figured out a better way for me to eat. I didn't realize it, but when she weighed me I was 113 lbs. That means my BMI is less than 13, which is really unhealthy. She told me to find a new queen coach, which I have. She wants me to gain 21 pounds. I'm supposed to be eating 1600 calories a day for the next couple of weeks, then 1800 after that. I must admit, I feel like a pig eating that much, but it's really fun, too! I'd forgotten how good food actually tasted. It's like I've just had a whole part of me turned off for I while. Ty has been cooking every meal for me, and stuffing me full of snacks in between. Not only is he a terrific cook, but he sings when he's in the kitchen and the girls love it! He does his own laundry too..... Maybe I'm beginning to like this arrangement a little too much....hmmmmm

Ty organized a client's meeting Tuesday night. I had sent letters to everyone explaining the situation and telling them that I'd be off my feet for a while. Well, being the wonderful people that they are, they were concerned. So it seems that the majority of them called Cindy to see what was up. She apparently told every one that I wasn't hurt all that bad and I had just came off by my barrel horse and was scared of riding anything after that. Everyone was absolutely livid about being lied to. My Dad was even upset, and he normally couldn't care less about anything involving me. His stance on things has always been "It's fine. No crying. You're tough." but I guess this was too much for even him. The president of the fair board even showed up towards the end of the meeting, and he's called an emergency meeting of the fair board to discuss the problem. It seems that I'm the fourth person THIS YEAR that he's heard about that's had problems with a coach. Someone else was hospitalized for a couple of weeks due to malnutrition and no one ever stopped to ask why. That makes me mad. It's hard when you want something really badly to step back and see if what your doing is actually hurting yourself. I think he's even going to try to get the board to ban contestants from paying someone outside their family to get them ready for the contest. That would be cool. Cindy on the other hand isn't speaking to me, or anyone else for that matter. Oh well.

Oh, and Ty has absolutely banned anyone from showing up unannounced before 9am on weekdays and 10am on weekends, or staying past 10pm uninvited. I think everyone was sort of startled to find out that I really can't afford to go to bed after midnight and get up at 4 the next morning. He also stole the power cord to my treadmill. No more running for me I guess. My students adore him. He let them have a water fight yesterday since it was 102F in the shade, seriously! My clients horses are coming along fine with him. I even felt good enough yesterday to do some of the morning workouts myself. I didn't even hurt afterwards, which is pretty much a miracle. I'm even back to riding my barrel horse, which is really good because he won't let anyone else mess with him so he's just been standing around. I havent ran him on the pattern yet, just loping circles and stuff. At least he's getting some work!

I feel like a million pounds has been taken off my shoulders. Ty kissed me today. He's moving to Carlsbad permanently.

Thanks so much for the names of the councilors. Just talking to someone really helped. I'm going once a week, and even after the first visit I can tell the difference. Ya'll are lifesavers. Scarleteen is the best!

XOXOX,
Tab

[This message has been edited by nmcowgirl87 (edited 05-20-2004).]


Posts: 64 | From: Carlsbad, NM USA | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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