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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » I'm unsure on what to do =\

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Author Topic: I'm unsure on what to do =\
Member # 14026

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Well a friend suggested me to come here because I was having a big problem IRL. There is a man I've grown up with since I've been in diapers. He was my mom's bf but they've had a lot of arguments and I guess one day he couldn't take it anymore and he packed up and left. They've both done hurtful things to each other a lot. He's still around but he doesn't live with us anymore. I've known him since I was 5 or so. I'm now 16 going on 17 and I've gotten uncomfortable around him a lot. I have been for some time. He knows me more than most people or family would. He's always been the only person to really talk to me, my mom didn't, my family didn't, he was like the shadow that kept watch over me when no one else gave me the light of day. I don't know why but I can't express how I feel around him because I just get intimidated. He says I can talk to him but I still have my doubts.

I've always had a fear of males when growing up and he was the only one closest that I'd talk to. I had often had dreams of being raped and molested and I have been slightly by someone before. I just get scared around him sometimes. Recently or moreso yesterday he caught me online last night or should i say morning, it was around 4:30 and he knocked on my door but I had locked it. He was asking me what I was doing up and I said I had a bad dream and couldn't sleep and he just hugged me laughing a bit too then he said he was going. I felt really uncomfortable afterwards and went to bed shortly.

Then later that day, he came to me in my room confronting me on some issues. I am a computer addict ^^;; But he said he has been monitoring what I've done on or over the computer and yes he knows a lot of the stuff I do. Probably from either reading my conversations with people I talk to or going through my floppy disks when I'm not here. He has read some explicit stuff I've done online and he said that he wasn't mad and he wouldn't tell anyone because he could understand that I'm only "exploring" my sexual urges. However he said he wanted a talk man to woman and he is a straightfoward person, and he had asked me a lot of personal questions and so forth. He said there was nothing wrong with me but there are going to be times that I will have these urges and so forth.

We got into a lot of stuff...masturbation, sexual intercourse, "coming", etc. He thought the "nightmares" I had of being raped and molested were wet dreams and that there was nothing wrong with dreaming of someone "f***ing" me as he bluntly put it. He even told me that sometimes he wishes I could go out and have sex, because he wanted me to experience it earlier so that I can learn from it. That isn't the case for me though =\ I'm not thinking of having sex IRL and I don't want to. He made that mistake and the result was that he got into parenthood while in high school.

I know he doesn't like it when I hide things from him but I am not open at all and I can't express how I really feel except online to friends which I'm sure he's seen by now. He's seen me hold back and I know he knows but I can't talk to him. I want to sometimes but I don't, I hold back as usual. He wants me to feel comfortable enough to talk to him about anything since I've known him so long but as I said I still have my doubts. I think that is because of some things in the past that have made me skeptical. For example, my mom was in an abusive relationship with him for a while. He did hit her more than once and I still remember her screams when I had to drag him off her. Another time was when I was home alone and he came in (he has a key to the house). I became afraid. I hugged him as I usually greet him and he took me to my mom's room and laid on top of me and started to hug me tightly on the bed. He started to kiss me all over my neck and breath on me and just held me there, saying how good I felt. I had horrible thoughts as he was on top of me and I became afraid. I was there for about 20 mins or so. He just kept kissing me on my neck and breathing on me while holding me and watching tv. He said I felt like a teddy bear like the one I have in my room, that I should just hug him like my teddy and fall asleep. I said I had to go to the bathroom and left the room and went in my room. He was about to come in my room but my mom called thankfully and he said he wanted to do more but left. You the know the funny part? I was laughing the whole time he was doing this...and he was trying to quiet me. I think I was trying to hold back my real emotion which I did but I did start to have tears fall down as he was just there breathing on me. I thought he was going to try something else *sighs* I don't think he really realized how scared I was because I couldn't do anything and this was at least a month ago. It still haunts me.

When we spoke yesterday, I told him that I feel uncomfy around him sometimes and that I know he checks up on me but I don't like it during the night. He does have a tendency to come in the house in the middle of the night. My bad images of being raped come back, he's not in the images but I still get uncomfortable when he's around when I know he's feeling horny or getting sexual desires. Sometimes he hints to me but I take no heed and I guess he feels hurt that i don't come and talk to him because he wants to help me.

He has admitted to me that he does find me to be a beautiful sexy girl and that he has had dreams about me but that doesn't really surprise me since I've tried avoiding him a lot. He asked me how I felt about sleeping with him, he was trying to understand why I feel so uncomfy around him, but I can't explain it in good enough words *sighs* He's told me a lot of things and I'm sure he knows a lot so nothing should surprise him. He was even talking about buying me a "toy" so I can explore myself further but I don't want it. He's asked me how often I masturbate and his reply was that I should do it more often to get a hang or better feeling of it. This scares me for him to tell me this. Grown man or not. I would not feel comfortable telling or talking to him about anything sexual or personal.

I can't hide from him, but I can't express myself to him either. He said why is it that I stay up into all hours on the comp and who keeps me on. I say no one keeps me on, I just listen to music and randomly talk to ppl I've spoken with for a good while since I don't feel tired. He sees how much I'm on a day I think which is like 13-18 hrs, even if I'm not at the desk or not since I tend to leave my computer on at times. So he told me to write down a list of things that I was uncomfy talking about with him and that we'd talk about it when I did. He doesn't want me to be or feel intimidated but I AM. He doesn't know why though and I don't know how to explain to him why. I've never been good at expressing myself well IRL and it's hard for me to with him especially.

I cried a big majority of yesterday the whole time we had our talk until I got a headache. I don't know...sometimes I cry to cry. Other times it's because I'm very fragile and sensitive and the tears flow down even when I don't want them to. I've always had that. It's a hard situation considering all the things he's done to and for me. My mom I don't think has a very good idea of what goes on and she is a very impatient, short tempered person. So I am careful with what I say to her. She is the opposite of understanding and open-minded so..yeah I can't always talk to her.

I guess I just had to get this out because I've been heavily depressed and sedated today. I thought I had a mental breakdown last night and I didn't want to get out of bed today. I don't know if I'm going to do the list either. I just don't feel ready to and I'm nervous. I don't know what to do Thanks for listening and reading.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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In short, this man's behaviour with you is really inappropriate at best, and sexually abusive at worst. You have every right to feel uncomfortable and upset, because he's crossing boundaries that he shouldn't be crossing, and which aren't apropos for a steparent to be flirting with. he has abused you and your mother. He is not a safe person to be around. You know that full well. There's no reason to question those correct instincts of yours. Listen to them.

It's one thing to have discussions about sexuality and give sex information to a child or stepchild. It's another to tell them you wish they could have sex 'for the experience," to ask them for explicit details about masturbation, and to offer to buy them sex toys. You feel uncomfortable because that tone and timbre is invasive and isn't okay. And that's going to be amplified by this man having a history as an abuser, including WITH you. An adult man holding you down and kissing you in that way is sexual abuse.

Frankly, it doesn't sound to me like your house is a safe place for you right now with him around it, and having free access to it. It really doesn't. I don't know what you're comfortable doing, but what I'd suggest is to talk to a school counselor or call your local department of children and family services or your local police and report this.

I know that's hard, I do. But I also know, both from personal and professional experience, that the sort of behaviour you're describing usually escalates and gets worse unless something is done, aand that living in a house with that going on, even when it's hints and innnuendo, is a horrible place to be in, and you don't have to accept that. Chances are, your mother is, sadly, like many people in patterns of abuse, having a hard time tossing him out of her life, so it is likely best if you pursue this on your own first. She may simply be emotionally unable to.

Until you can do that, please do what you can to keep yourself safe (including making a report as soon as possible). Do NOT be alone with him, do not let him into your room. If it happens, make clear you do NOT want to be touched, you do NOT want to talk about sex, as thaata's not appropriate for him to be doing with you. Tell another trusted family member, or see if you can stay somewhere else for a few days while you make a report. if you need help as to where to make a areport, let us knnow, we can help.

Let's see what you can't do -- with some help -- to get out of that situation, honey. It's doable.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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This man is taking advantage of you and your vulnerability.

you are NOT obligated to talk to him about sex, in fact, it's better that you didn't because he is acting very inappropriately. He is not supposed to be kissing you, especially if it makes you petrified with fear. that's molestation.

You need to tell a trusted adult. If you don't think your mom will listen, you can call child protective services in your area, a clergyman (if you do the whole religion thing), talk to a school counselor if possible. Do you have any friends whose parents you trust? they may be able to help, too.

in the meantime, don't tell this man anything, and don't let him touch you if it bothers you. and learn to clean out the cache on your computer.

more surly than girly...

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 961

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(If you're the only person who uses your computer, you might want to look into this. But make sure you remember it, it's not easy for a non-geek to undo.)


Worst attitude of them all!

Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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