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Author Topic: Ehh.
Lemia
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I'm not sure why I still can't believe that it isn't a pregnancy risk. I've had so many scenario's in my head such as what if the guy had touched the tip of his penis then fingered me? There's no way that would be a pregnancy risk right? Ah. I swear I think I'm losing my mind. I'm just so scared. I mean I don't think he had touched the tip of his penis but I can't remember. This has been stressing me out when I know it shouldn't since I've missed the entire month of May but did get my period in June and July. They seemed different than usual but they did last as long as a period although would start in the morning then in the afternoon would seem to stop and when I wiped there was a little bit or when I check my pad there wasn't anything there then it would start back up again just not so much on the pad. Would a tampon be a better option so it absorbs everything better? And what is deducial bleeding all about? Does it happen when you would think you would have your period? How can you te the difference between them two?
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Karybu
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Hey Lemia. Have you managed to get in touch with the rape crisis centre Heather found for you? They'll be able to help with the anxiety you're having; I can't encourage you enough to contact them and see if you can start seeing a therapist.

Periods can vary, just like any other bodily function. Sometimes they'll be lighter or heavier, last a longer or shorter amount of time, it happens. Because several people here have already talked with you a lot about pregnancy risks, and how you have not had one, I'm going to set a limit and ask that you refer back to those discussions if you need reassurance.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Lemia
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I'll call just been quite busy with things and since I don't have much privacy in my house I'm going to need call them at the right time when I know no one will listen to my conversation with the rape crisis center. And about the therapist I'll talk to my mom about that but if I were to see a therapist would they tell my mom anything I tell them? I'm just not sure how those things work.

When you say I may have not had a pregnancy risk are you saying your not sure if I had one or not and that I should take a pregnancy test? If so I might just so I can get my worries out of the way and stop stressing since I believe I've already had my period twice after the so called risk.

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Karybu
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A therapist should not tell your mother anything you talk about with them, no. You can always clarify that, though, at the start of your appointment with them.

I did not say that you may have had a pregnancy test: I said that you did not have one. However, if you want to take a pregnancy test, and feel that it would help your anxiety, that's absolutely fine. It's a very easy way to reduce stress. [Smile]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Lemia
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Okay thanks a lot [Smile] I'm sorry if I'm being a bothering because I've posted a lot on here. But I really appreciate the advice and answers.
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Lemia
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I have a question. How would I know I have anxiety? I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for a few problems I've been having but I also want to get some medicine prescribed to me to treat the so called anxiety but I'm afraid that he'll ask why I'm having anxiety and what's making me constantly worry and about what. I also think I want to tell my mom what happened but I'm sure she'll be angry with me and it won't be the same..
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Volunteer Ruth
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I would recommend (if you can) calling up a doctor or a mental health helpline such as NAMI (link) to ask them what sort of questions the doctor will ask. I've recommended NAMI because they use trained volunteers and say that they offer information as well as support, but if there's a service that you prefer then speak to whomever you like.

Also, consider that you could be able to ask your mother to leave the room? I mean, talking about your mental health is a very private matter - she could understand that without you having to mention anything to do with sex, I'd hope.

Secondly, it's entirely up to you what you tell your mother, and when. Disclosure can be very difficult, and you don't know what reaction you can get. However, what happened to you wasn't your fault or responsibility, and anger seems like an unlikely response to that. I'd imagine for the most part she'd be concerned about you - but you're still under no obligation to tell her until you feel good and ready (which may not happen for a while or even ever).

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Lemia
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Okay thank you for that. [Smile]

Yeah I understand. Honestly my mom and I are close and tell each other most things just telling her my worries she would probably ask me why I'm having these worries and what not. The one problem I have with that is she'll look at me crazy if I say I'm worried about pregnancy even if I did not have a pregnancy risk in the first place (I hope).

A part of me wants to tell her because then she'll probably understand why I've been feeling so stressed out and worried. She also told me last night "Will you tell me what's wrong? What it is we can talk about it and see what the best thing to do is." Which seemed like she wouldn't be angry if I told her anything but another part of me thinks I know she would be upset and probably blame herself since she wasn't there to stop it from happening and also would look at me differently and won't trust me again.. Which I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle that since I know how much I'm afraid of change.

Also I have a question. If I'm having all these health issues could it be caused by stress meaning if I stop worrying it'll probably go away? I know the worst possible thing to do is go on Google and search for symptoms but I did that and I regret it because it makes me freak out more.

I know I have so many questions which I'm sorry for because I don't want to be a bother but I've read on some of the posts on here that the average menstrual cycle is anywhere from 28 days to 35 days. If I'm counting correctly for me its anywhere from 29-53 days. How do you count it correctly though?

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Redskies
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It can be very stressful to keep something that's worrying us to ourselves and not have anyone to talk to about it. Telling someone who will respond in a safe and supportive way is usually good for us. I very much understand you wanting to tell your mom; we'd just want to make sure that you think she's likely to support you and not blame you in any way. For example, there's no reason not to trust a person who's been assaulted, because the assault wasn't your fault and wasn't anything you did wrong. If you're not sure how your mom will react, again, we recommend that you get in touch with the Rape Crisis resource Heather gave you, because they'll be able to give you support and guidance about telling your mom, and also information for your mom so that she knows what the best things she can do are to support you.

Stress can cause a host of physical symptoms, yes. We can't guarantee you that it's all caused by stress and that it'll go away when you stop stressing so much, but given how worried you've been, it's likely because of stress. We definitely recommend staying away from googling symptoms! Dr Google is the absolute Worst, and pretty much guaranteed to make even the calmest person feel sick from worry.

To count the length of your cycle, call the first day of your period - the day you start your bleed - Day 1. Keep counting the days through your period and all through the time you're not bleeding. When you start your next period, that's Day 1 of your next cycle, and start counting again [Smile] Mark in a diary or calendar the day you start your period so you have a record and can keep track.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Lemia
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The one person I did tell about what happened looked at me differently and blamed me so we ended up getting into an argument since they threatened to tell my mom and I haven't talked since. Now that I think about it, it was stupid to argue but oh well. I guess I think that's how my mom would react as well. I think the best thing to do at this point is to call the rape crisis center.

I have no idea why I still continue to stress though. I've had two periods and haven't gained a pound. Just that I've been having cramps even when not on my period and a hard, tight stomach. And I can't go to the doctors since they are booked until August 1st. I HAD an appointment yesterday but i missed it. Google just makes me more paranoid.

Oh I see. [Smile]

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Karybu
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I'm so sorry that talking about what happened did not get a good reaction from that person; no matter what they said, it was not your fault and you are not to blame for someone else assaulting you. I think calling the rape crisis center would be a very good idea, because it sounds like you could really use some in-person support with this.

As for why you keep stressing, you've been through a stressful experience, and your worry about pregnancy is likely connected to that. Anxiety can manifest itself in unexpected ways sometimes. (One easy thing you can do to help yourself is to stay away from Google if you know that makes your worry worse.)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Lemia
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It's okay I guess in a way it made me realize who my real friends were. That is something I will most likely do today.

I feel like I probably don't have anything wrong with me I'm just making myself think stuff that are impossible. Possibly all in my head.

So I've been having a dilemma. For almost two years I dated this guy until he completely ignored me on Valentines Day of this year then the next day he broke up with me and told me he needed time to think things threw I gave him time and he eventually wanted to get back together but I on the other hand didn't want to considering he had made me cry way more than he made me happy and I thought I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me. Yes I know it took me two years to realize that I was better off without him but I don't know I wasn't thinking. The reason I didn't want to go back with him is because I remember telling him I loved him and his response was " Why are you telling me you love me so much? Its getting annoying so please stop telling me that." I was in total shock. Then about a year into the relationship he confessed that for at least 7 months into the relationship he only wanted to date me to have sex but I NEVER gave into it because I knew I wasn't ready for that and then he said he doesn't want sex anymore he realized he doesnt need it as long as he had me he would be happy. Which at the time I thought he was lying. I'm not going to lie I wasn't perfect either. When I didn't get his attention because he never would call me or text me much at all so I met a guy and he gave me his number and in all honestly I was attracted to him a lot more than I was attracted to my boyfriend so we talked more and we seemed to have things in common and I knew I could trust him but there were times he would ask to hang out but I would say I couldn't because I knew if I did that my boyfriend would be upset but as time progressed the guy was getting tired and thought I was playing games with him so he finally said "if you aren't playing games with me send me a picture" of a particular part of my body and I was so scared to because what if he showed someone but I did end up taking the picture just didn't send it to him and about a week later I did end up sending the picture. Stupid I know. I thought if I did it he would continue talking to me but nope. Anyways after my boyfriend and I were broken up he kept trying to take me back but I just couldn't since I made that mistake and couldn't forgive myself. So after a few months we talked and I finally told him what happened because I felt he deserved to know he was a bit upset but he said "I don't care you know why? Because I love you, Lemia. I really do." And we worked through it but for months now I keep thinking im not sure I feel the same way he does and I feel like by talking to him still all I'm doing is leading him on. Which I never meant to do. We got back together in the very end of May (He didn't know about the sexual assault I never told him). but to be honest I only got back with him because I wanted him to be happy instead of crying over me. I just don't know if we're right for each other. He goes out with friends to these parties at like midnight until like 4am in the morning and smokes weed which I'm not into and he doesn't seem to care at all about his future. Which I care a lot about my future. I'm finishing high school a year earlier than I'm supposed to. When I try to have a serious conversation with him he changes the subject and starts talking inappropriately which I can't stand. And about a week ago he was crying on the phone when I didn't give him my Facebook password. I don't have anything to hide but I'm really not comfortable with someone looking at my messages it feels like an invasion of my privacy. I have no idea what to do. I just do not want to waste two more years of my life with someone that I know I don't have strong feelings for. I just don't want to hurt him.

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Heather
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Lemia, can you edit that big block of text with some paragraph breaks? It's personally very hard for me to read from a neuro standpoint without them. If you can do that for me, I'd be happy to come back and address these new questions./

I did, however, want to pipe in about telling your mother.

It sounds, to me, like she is already concerned about you, and she is asking you what is wrong. In other words, the things she has been saying to you sound like what we say to someone we care about when we are worried, sense they need support, and want to give it to them.

So, unless you have something else you feel tells you it's not safe to tell her? It sounds pretty safe to me, and I think if someone like your mother could know, you would probably start feeling a lot better soon, just out of not hiding something so huge and so hard right in the place where you live.

You can front-load a disclosure to her, by the way, by telling her something is wrong, and it's big, and you want to tell her, but you feel scared. You can tell her what you feel scared of and ask her if she can make an agreement with you not to do those things. You can ask her for what you do need, like support, like not making you feel at fault for something you didn't do, and like understanding someone hurt you badly and you are in pain.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lemia
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The main reason I'm afraid to tell my mom what happened is because I've felt like a huge disappointment to her and I've made mistakes I'm not proud of. But since then I've been in independent studies with pretty good grades that are way better than the ones I had in public school.

So since I have pretty good grades I'm about to graduate a year earlier than I'm supposed to even though I know I should be happy about it I'm not. Because even though I'm doing good never one in my life all the times I've accomplished something my mom never told me "I'm proud of you."

The only person who has told me they were proud of me was a choir teacher before i left my old school my mom has always commented on all the bad things. When I was at my old school my mom saw I wasn't doing so well with math (which I'm still not) so she told me something along the lines of me being stupid and I need special ed classes.

But my mom is completely different with my brother. I think she likes him more than me. A few days ago she was talking to a guy that came over and told him "John (my brother) has respect but Lemia doesn't." Which hurt my feelings. Also a few weeks ago she said I was greedy.

The thing I don't understand is how my brother has respect. Even since he was small he has stole money from my mom from her purse and for a few years Now has stole money from me. I'm still waiting for the $500 he stole from me. $100 was for weed and $400 was for a car payment which he no longer has the car..

I've saved that money for a long time yet I know he will never return it to me because he quit his job about a year ago after getting a car with my moms money. Ever since then he's been at home sleeping and then at night goes out and recycles saying that's his job even though he's not getting any money. But I'll admit he is a giving person a little too much though.

I also don't know how in the word I'm greedy. There has been only one time I have asked my mom for a hundred dollars to buy something but that's it. I never asked for more. I appreciate all the things my mom has given to me and done for me.

I just feel like my mom and brother are two of the most judgmental people. Hey always make fun of me and laugh at me. I know its probably a joke but I don't find it funny.

To be honest I'm really looking forward to graduating in two years because then I don't have to see or talk to my mom and brother anymore because I'm just sick of it all.

The one mistake my mom did was not put me three grades ahead years ago because by now I would be done with school and didn't have to listen to all these judgmental comments.

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Heather
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I'm not sure I understand how all of this is related to the topic at hand?

It's okay for you to choose not to disclose to your Mom, and okay for you to not ask her for help if you don't feel okay about it. There's no right or wrong in who you tell and ask for help, only what you feel good about.

But clearly, Lemia, you have to ask SOMEONE who can help you, in-person, for some help and support. If not your Mom -- for whatever reasons, you get to have your own reasons for that -- and if not the rape crisis center I suggested for you (who I can assure you, will not judge you around being assaulted: it is their job and mission to do the very opposite of that), someone.

If you've decided that you don't feel like you need any help or support right now, we'll certainly respect that. But it hasn't been sounding that way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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