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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Confused

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Author Topic: Confused
Member # 110778

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I'm having a difficult time right now and was wondering if you could in anyway give me any advice - thanks!
So, just for a little background: I was raped 4 years ago, it was a very tough time for me, but luckily I was able to move on from it. However it left me with anxiety and (obvious) emotional stresses. But I've been quite happy for awhile, though the anxiety continues to be a problem.
I have sex with one of my close friends, and it's not exclusive ("friends with benefits" I guess). This works well for us, and we're both able to express our needs and feel comfortable with each other. This has been going on for 2 years.
We haven't had sex recently for two reasons. One because we're in different countries right now.. so that would be hard. And secondly because I don't want to be sexually active right now (which he totally supports). One of the reasons I don't want to be sexually active right now, is because the last time we had sex - we stopped before completion. I didn't feel right, and he noticed I didn't feel right. So once we stopped I started to get all panicky - it felt like I was going to have a panic attack. He was able to calm me down though and we talked for quite a bit about it. The whole experience was very weird to me, and I did want to have sex beforehand (it wasn't his idea or anything).
Right now, since we're in different countries I've masturbated a few times. I've masturbated in the past and I'm totally comfortable with the idea and have never felt guilty or disgusting before. But when did it this time, recently, right afterwards I felt horrible. I read up on a couple of different sites about guiltiness after masturbation (there's actually a lot out there..) and I really wanted to nix the disgusting feeling I got afterwards. A few things I did were try to be more relaxed, re-evaluate my moral stance, make sure I don't feel disgusting because of social norms etc etc.. So after awhile when I wanted to I masturbated again but this time I had a panic attack right afterwards. I'm not sure what to do, or why this is happening... I'm honestly not sure of what I'm feeling. I would really like to figure out what's happening with me because not only do I resolve this emotional turmoil but I want to enjoy sex! I don't know if you can help me or if this is my anxiety or anything..
Sorry about the length, just trying to give the most information. Thanks [Smile]

Posts: 1 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey there, heyo, and welcome to the boards.

Healing from abuse or assault is often one of those things where how we feel, and how we're healing, is a bit up and down, rather than a kind of linear progression from bad to better. There often will be times in life where some of this stuff rises back up, often for reasons we can identify later in hindsight, but where often, when we're just in it, it's tougher to put our finger on.

Have you yet, or ever, gotten any kind of counseling and support either for anxiety in general, or expressly for healing from sexual assault? If not, is that something you'd be open to?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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