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Author Topic: Need some Advice Please
DisplayName
Neophyte
Member # 110554

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Alright. Rather frustrated for some reasons.
I have anxiety, basically generalized and I become overly frightened by almost anything. Well, my mother and I have been chatting about taking me to my first trip to the gynecologist.
I'm 17, I've been reading a lot on the site and I have learned about what the exams are like, the questions, the general kindness to first time patients. My mother even told me the women is very nice and probably will only talk to me for the first visit.
However, even knowing all of this I'm not much reassured because of my anxiety and low self esteem. I hate my body, I dislike looking at it myself much less ever letting anyone else see or touch it. Even in the summer I wear multiple layers of clothing to avoid any exposure. Even though I know its not true AT ALL I can't help but feel a visit to the gynecologist is just as traumatizing as rape.
Up until two days ago I was adamant I would never go and would rather kill myself. But I decided I would because I know they can't force and exam on me, I would like to know if I'm healthy, and I want birth control for my rather long periods and painful cramps. According to my mother, it isn't normal that I'm not able to attend school at times due to cramps.
And on a slightly different subject, I am confused about my sexuality. I am not very politically correct and I have stereotyped gays and what not but I've nothing against them. My parents think homosexuality is a sin but not enough that they refrained from choosing my cousin as my godfather and he is gay. Plus, we have suspicions that my brother is gay and if he is I don't want to have to make my parents deal with two gay children. I mean, I don't know why but it doesn't sound fair to them. My mother has told me on more than one occasion that bisexuals just want attention and I dunno. Maybe she is right.
Anyway, I am attracted to boys and usually picture myself with a male in a relationship but there are times I've desired girls and even thought it'd be nice to have girlfriend. I don't know if I'm straight and just a whore or if I'm something else.
I'd be afraid to tell anyone, even my best friend. Which doesn't make sense because she seems like she'd be understanding considering she writes and some of her original characters who she adores at gay. I guess it's where my paranoia comes in again. I'm really just not sure what to think.

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi displayname,

It sounds like you're dealing with some really unpleasant emotions here. The first thing I want to ask is: are you seeking any counseling or other treatment for the anxiety your experiencing?

As for the gynecologist visit, that's a sound visit to make, especially if you're having sever period symptoms that you want help managing. My suggestion is that you be very up front about your worries with the gyno so that they can talk to you and help you feel more relaxed and comfortable with the appointment. Have you done any reading on our site (or elsewhere) about how to feel more comfortable with and in your body?

As to your other question, feeling unsure about your sexual orientation is not unusual, and many people find that their identity doesn't fall cleanly into the heteosexual/homosexual binary. I think something that might really help you is to, first off, remove what your parents think and say about various identities from the equation and focus instead on what you think and feel. Because a)they have some pretty toxic and inaccurate opinions (e.g bisexuals are not "just doing it for the attention" and that is a super damaging stereotype) and b)those opinions sound like they may be clouding how you view your own feelings.

You get to claim whatever sexual identity feels best to you, regardless of how the other people in your family identify (it's not, by the by, unfair to have to LGBT kids as a parent. You and your brother get to identify as you see fit, and your parents can manage that however they choose. It's not your job to manage it for them). Have you done any reading on bisexual or pansexual identities?

Also, in the future, please don't use language like "wh*re" on the boards. Those type of words carry a lot of judgement about people's sexual choices, and it's a kind of judgement that we want to avoid in this space.

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DisplayName
Neophyte
Member # 110554

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(Sorry for the foul language in the original post)

I talked with my mom about how I have been feeling with my anxiety and she suggested that it might be hormones and if it doesn't get better then I'd have to consider talking to a counselor.
But I think she is afraid of me possibly being put on anti-anxiety medication because both of my siblings were once addicted to anti-anxieties.
I don't tell my mother much of everything because she is already dealing with my sister in rehab, and taking care of the rest of the family. I don't think she is happy and it brings her down that she has to make everyone else happy.
Our family life is pretty much great, but it does have those quirks that make it difficult at times.

I have been reading around on the sight a lot and I have to admit it has helped me calm down about a lot of things. I am feel a little less judgmental towards myself but even reading all the advice, including that about the gynecologists, it's extremely difficult to get any negative thoughts out of my head. They seem rather stuck in there whether I know if they are completely false or not.

I have done a bit of reading about Bisexuality but I suppose not much. I'll have to navigate that section of the site a bit more. If I'm not completely straight I suppose, I'm not sure how comfortable i'll ever be admitting it to anyone.
After all, despite how immoral it might have been, I have eavesdropped on my brother while he is on the phone and I'm pretty positive he is gay. But he is 24 and hasn't told the family and I don't know if maybe he did, I'd be more comfortable knowing I might not be alone. But I know it's his choice, I just wish he wasn't so reluctant because even though my parents are judgmental about sexuality in some ways, I know they'd accept him for being gay.

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DisplayName
Neophyte
Member # 110554

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(Not sure how to reply on here. Sorry if I'm doing it wrong // Sorry for the foul language in the original post)

I talked with my mom about how I have been feeling with my anxiety and she suggested that it might be hormones and if it doesn't get better then I'd have to consider talking to a counselor.
But I think she is afraid of me possibly being put on anti-anxiety medication because both of my siblings were once addicted to anti-anxieties.
I don't tell my mother much of everything because she is already dealing with my sister in rehab, and taking care of the rest of the family. I don't think she is happy and it brings her down that she has to make everyone else happy.
Our family life is pretty much great, but it does have those quirks that make it difficult at times.

I have been reading around on the sight a lot and I have to admit it has helped me calm down about a lot of things. I am feel a little less judgmental towards myself but even reading all the advice, including that about the gynecologists, it's extremely difficult to get any negative thoughts out of my head. They seem rather stuck in there whether I know if they are completely false or not.

I have done a bit of reading about Bisexuality but I suppose not much. I'll have to navigate that section of the site a bit more. If I'm not completely straight I suppose, I'm not sure how comfortable i'll ever be admitting it to anyone.
After all, despite how immoral it might have been, I have eavesdropped on my brother while he is on the phone and I'm pretty positive he is gay. But he is 24 and hasn't told the family and I don't know if maybe he did, I'd be more comfortable knowing I might not be alone. But I know it's his choice, I just wish he wasn't so reluctant because even though my parents are judgmental about sexuality in some ways, I know they'd accept him for being gay.

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Sam W
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I think seeing a counselor is a very sound decision, since you are having anxiety that you, yourself, are finding very difficult to manage. A lot of what you're saying about having thoughts that you know are inaccurate but can't shake is an indicator that there is something up that a professional hand could help with. Your mom is a grown-up, and while the impulse not to make her life difficult is an kind one, you should not avoid seeking help because you are afraid it will somehow be unfair to her.

I think reading up about other identities would be very helpful for you right now, as it might help you to see other people talking about being unsure or fluid in their orientation. In case you haven't found it, on the main Scarleteen site, you'll see tags that say "go to" and then categories such as "sexual identity."

Is talking with either your brother or your friend about what you're feeling something you're comfortable with?

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DisplayName
Neophyte
Member # 110554

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I'm not completely sure if I'd have the courage to talk to my friend or brother. My brother because he can be rather defensive at times and my friend because, even though she has friends of all sorts of orientations, she had known that about them before she became friends with them. With me, we have been friends for twelve years. The news may be shocking to her.
I mean, she is really open minded and even plans on becoming a psychologist so I'm not sure why I'm afraid to talk to her. I suppose some of It may be that I'm afraid with my recent venting I may just become too much of a downer for her.
Besides, I've never had a serious conversation with her in person because I try to avoid being too emotional in front of people but I feel like telling her something like this shouldn't be something i just send in a text.

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Sam W
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It sounds like, from how you're describing her, that your friend is a safe person for you to talk to about all this (obviously you know her better than I do, so you're ultimately a better gauge of that than I am). You don't have to approach it as a big serious talk, which might help you feel less nervous about the prospect. You're not making any big declarations about your identity at the moment, just bringing up something that's been running around your mind lately to a friend you trust. Also, if she has friends of many identities, she might be able to connect you with people who've gone through similar periods of questioning.

I also think it's sound for you to keep on track with pursuing counseling. A counselor would not only be a person to talk to about how down or anxious you're been feeling, but could also give you a space where you can work through your questions or feelings about your orientation aloud.

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DisplayName
Neophyte
Member # 110554

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A mega late reply, yeah, but I'd figure I'd send another message as a follow up. Excuse any silly typos.

Talking really did help. I got some mood stabilizers and they really do work. I have suspicions of them being a placebo drug but I really don't care as long as they work well.


On the subject of my sexuality. I put off telling my friend for a while, tried to ignore the feelings that I wasn't exactly straight and really did have a crush on my only and best friend.
Well I worked up the courage to tell her and, shit, she feels the same way! We had both been to afraid to tell each other!
It was only a month later that she told me she had a crush on me and I cried I was so happy.

However, we are both mature and we haven't rushed into any sort of relationship. We have been talking about it and we both want to be with each other and understand the risks of hooking up with a friend. However, neither of us the mushy type and we know there will be difficulties and we know we'll fight and possibly break up.
But we both care about one another and want to try. We have been so close for ten years and we don't see why becoming closer needs to be complicated unless we make it complicated by expecting too much from each other.

We have been talking for days about it, sorting things out and supporting each other and we both think we are level headed enough to make things work. Right now I am respecting that she wants to straighten her thoughts out before she commits to me. She says she wants to be with me but the idea of making it official is what is scaring her. She says she doesn't want to break up and end up losing me.
Neither of us are labeling as bisexual. Well, we just don't understand any of the labels and don't feel like we fit under any of them and we are simply saying, "we like people."

Our biggest problem right now is coming out to our families. I told her they really don't have to know and "coming out" just makes it seem like a big deal when it's not. It's just us being us.
We both feel like we want to tell our families anyway and i'm feeling secure enough that I told her I could go first to give her some courage but I'm certainly willing to let her stay in the closet as long as she wants.

We both feel like we are already together. Laying around holding hands and what not. We just haven't made it official.
Right now, we talk and talk and talk and it really helps. I think the fact that we tell each other our doubts so much can only make our relationship strong if we do start dating 100%
I mean, we've been friends for 10 years. I don't think adding a bit more commitment will ruin it so easily.

Anyway, the point is we are both happy despite our worries and I think the advice here helped a lot and I wanna say thanks for that. I am the happiest I've been in a long time.

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Molias
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Thanks for the update! I'm really glad to hear that things are looking up right now. [Smile]
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