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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Sex issues with boyfriend? We'll touching him I guess? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Sex issues with boyfriend? We'll touching him I guess?
wisteriawestd3
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See that's the thing we've already talked about it. He keeps asking how he can make me more comfortable with doing this but I can't give him the answer because I don't know. We talk very openly about this.
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Redskies
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Hi, wisteria.

Can you tell me how comfortable you feel with your boyfriend and his body when he's fully dressed? How comfortable and confident do you feel getting all up close and personal with him through his clothes, for example, feeling and really being aware of the movements and outlines of his body through his shirt? Feeling the skin on his arms with your fingers, the outlines of muscles and bones, perhaps having your face or lips on his arm and the smell of his skin?

What's the furthest point of him being undressed where you feel really comfortable and confident?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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I'm completely fine with him when he's clothed. I'll grab him through his pants and I've undone them touching him over his boxers. We've taken his shirt off n unbuttoning his pants.
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Redskies
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Okay.

So, do you Enjoy his body? Do you engage with his body sensually, taking time to see the unique patterns of freckles or the exact way his muscles move; the way skin feels slightly different in different places, the way lighter or stronger touch feels different; the way his skin smells; the way different parts of his skin feel on your tongue?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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I've never rely felt him that way thinking about all of it. I've only kissed his face and neck. But I do know how he feels when I touch him. Yes I love his body.
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Redskies
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In that case, one thing I'd really suggest is to start experimenting in this way, then.

There are a lot of personal variations, but generally, when someone gets naked with us and when we engage in any way with their genitals, we're feeling waaay more than just "not scared" or "okay" with it. We tend to feel things that are, or are closely connected to, a deep desire to be more familiar with their body, to be involved with their body using several of our senses. Even for people who are comfy with a lightning-fast pace in a sexual encounter, exploring and becoming familiar with the other person's body in sensory ways is still something that's nearly always needed before involving genitals.

If you don't already have some of that sensory familiarity with his body, trying to jump in and involve genitals is probably going to feel like too big a step, and may well be where some of your apprehension is coming from. If you're also not familiar with all the ways in which you enjoy someone else's body and how that feels to you, jumping straight to genital contact is probably not going to make a lot of sense to your feelings because you don't already have a framework to attach it to.

So, I'd suggest that for now, his underwear stays on and you don't think about how to be comfortable with it coming off. Instead, really explore and notice his body and physicality with all of your senses; notice both his unique body and the ways in which you enjoy exploring and experiencing someone else's body. When you're doing this, you'll want to work with him, too: for example, finding out ways he does and doesn't want to be touched, and how different kinds of your touch feel to him. The pieces that Heather linked you to earlier, especially the navigating consent one, can really help you out with that.

How does that sound to you?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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It sounds like a huge step forward from where I was before. So how do I get more in touch with his body? Any ideas? How will I know when I'm more in touch with him? When I'm ready?
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Redskies
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Part of what I was suggesting is that you take off the focus of being "ready" for something else and explore and enjoy your now. Take time to smell the roses, as it were [Smile] Often, people make the mistake with sex that they're looking toward an aim or a finishing point - whether that's orgasm, having a certain kind of sex, or something else - and not living in and embracing the journey there. Really, the journey IS the sex, whichever journey and whichever route each person takes.

I'm wondering if you're feeling like there's any kind of schedule here, or if you're feeling like you "should" be having certain kinds of sex with him by a particular point?

We can talk more about noticing and being more in touch with someone else's body, but I'd like to check in with you a little first. You're expressing that you want more sexual contact, and to have sex with, your boyfriend, and it's also clear that you have some conflicting not-wants in your feelings - the fear, for example. I'm not seeing you express deep sexual desire, or desire to be sexual with, your boyfriend. I could, of course, be mistaken, but I have some sense that you might be saying some things that you think you Should be saying about enjoying some things with your boyfriend rather than what you truly feel. Is that possible? I also wonder if with some of this, you might be wanting to want to do these things, rather than desiring them in themselves.

What's your general experience of bodies and physicality with other people like - for example, what kinds of touch or hugs are comfortable or normal to you with friends or family members? I'd also like to check with you whether you've experienced any uncomfortable or distressing thing around bodies, physicality or particular body parts? I just ask because sometimes that can be part of a reason why someone gets a bit stuck and isn't sure of the way forward.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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With other people I don't really like to be touched. I was razed a lot when I was younger and I'm very ticklish. I don't like being touched by doctors or even being naked in front of them. I'm only truly comfortable being touched and seen naked by my boyfriend.

There's been a lot of times I have see. Older men baked not by choice on the internet. Sites that are supposed to be fun and random like Omegle have tons of naked older men that sadly I ended up running into.

And about having sex with him. We're not on a schedule. I love him. I truly do and I'm comfortable around him. I guess the only way to describe it which isn't really good- but it's the only way I can think of right now is that it feels right.

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Redskies
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Can I check a word you typed with you - in your second sentence above it says "razed", and I'm not sure what that means and I think it might be a typo or dodgy autocorrect?

It certainly can be very unpleasant to see pictures of people's genitals when we haven't agreed to that, and it's not ok of the people doing that. Especially when it's older men, I think, there are issues of control, dominance and threat that can come across with them doing that. Did you have anyone to talk to at the time who could support you and help you with it?

Would it help you to talk with us about seeing those pictures or about what it means to you now?

If your boyfriend is the only person - the first person? - you're physically comfortable with, it's really not surprising that some of this physicality feels like a big deal or scary to you. It's a whole lot of new things and a big step up happening relatively quickly. So, one answer really is to take your time. If you're uncomfortable or afraid of something, that thing just isn't right for you yet. Conflicting feelings are pretty common - for example, where you want something but you're also afraid. For sure, it can be frustrating and confusing, and it can be tempting to try to push forward with the part of you that wants the thing. Usually, it's a better idea to step back and take care of the part of you that's doing the not-wanting, and perhaps find out what it needs.

The part of you that feels afraid or not-wanting: do you have any sense of what it needs?

I'm looking for a resource/s that talks about noticing and connecting with one's own and others' bodies. When I find something I like and that seems suitable, I'll put it in the thread for you.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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Sorry. Yes the word razed was a autocorrect. I meant tazed. But I didn't really talk to anyone. My boyfriend knows about it. It was freaky then so maybe I'm scared that the feelings I felt then will come back if I do anything with my boyfriend...? Idk. I'm so confused. Like I've said I really wanna share this important experience with him. But maybe it's also hard because I e been hurt by people a lot? He's the first one I've been really close to because I've been bullied from people who have decided to leave and not be part of my life. Could that be possibly why..? I just wanna figure this out.
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Karybu
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When you say 'tazed' do you mean teased?

I think all of what Redskies said in their last post is spot on: if your boyfriend is the first person you've ever felt really close to, physically or otherwise, then it's so not surprising that getting physical is feeling scary.

I know you want to figure this out right now, but it's going to take some time and there's really nothing you can do to rush that.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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wisteriawestd3
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No I do mean tazed. People would sneak up behind me and jolt me in my sides with there fingers. And Ug! Why does this have to be so difficult :'(
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Redskies
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Sometimes it can take a while and be difficult to figure out what's going on with a particular thing in our lives. I really know that can be frustrating.

The things you're mentioning do have an effect on some people, and might affect how comfortable someone feels with intimacy. Whether that's the case for you specifically, though, is not something that us working here can know and nor is it something we should speculate about. I wish we could automatically know these things for everyone who talks with us - our jobs would be so much easier! [Smile] We have to be led by what you tell us of how you feel and think, so if you're unsure, we're unsure too. What we can do, and very much try to do with everyone, is to help you explore the things you're thinking and feeling and suggest some prompts and general directions for that.

So, do you feel that any of the things you've mentioned are connected to the situation with your boyfriend? Whether they are or not, do you want to talk about any of them with us?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wisteriawestd3
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I feel like some of the things we've talked about are. I've paid a lot more attention to how he feels like you advised to. I feel like the thing with the older men is a huge factor to. Being scared of those feelings comin back. I never made that connection until talking to you guys about it. I feel a lot more comfortable now. At least I now know a better reason as to why I'm scared.
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