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Author Topic: Help me - issue about masturbation/pre-cum and my life
coolsup22
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I'm in my mid twenties old right now (25) - male, graduate student.

The problem I describe below gives me a lot anxiety reduces productivity as a grad student.

This was happening to me till March of this year.

I started to masturbate when I was 12, and then at the age of 14 I promised myself to stop. Since 15 I have never done it (it was till March 2014 when I was 25 but I will write about it later)..

However, during this period from 15 to 25 more problems appeared.

During that initial period of masturbation 12-14 I was promising myself not to masturbate since I thought it can influence my health and my achievements. Basically I was thinking it's really bad and I stopped at 15.

But since then I started to have erections with pre-ejaculate like most guys do at that age. I would see it when I was aroused or was in the bathroom. All of this things combined with the idea that masturbation is really bad for my health, mental abilities and performance. It made me afraid of pre-ejaculate and erections.

If I saw pre-ejaculate or had an erection, I started to blame myself. I thought that if I did something before it, such as read a book, that now I can't do it. Basically, I was really nervous about such things like erection or pre-ejaculate from both spiritual and mental viewpoints.

That was before I was 17. After that I still had that problem but I also started to have daily ejaculations during arousal. It was really terrible. Once it happened I would go into a depression for six months and feel that I was less developed, weaker, and lost everything I had before.

If I felt pre-cum on my underwear the effect is the same as in terms of real masturbation or ejaculation - I start blaming myself for hours and days, feel that I lost everything I had before. I feel that I can't do the stuff I could do before. I go into depression, can't wake up in the morning, because I'm blaming myself all the time - couldn't do any PhD work or study on classes when I was in college/high school - anxiety was almost the whole day (only when I would go to sleep - I wouldn't have it).

Basically, Just one moment of feeling pre-cum on my underwear or getting full erection was enough to make all my mood bad and make me feel depressed.

I read many posts online that pre-cum is normal fluid that comes out during arousal but for some reason since I had phobia about masturbation it all combined and I am still getting into bad mood after I see or feel pre-cum or get an erection.

I never had girlfriend in my life (mid 20s), never, and because of this problem, I'm afraid of the consequences of getting aroused or erected and feeling/seeing pre-cum.

Basically, I am afraid of any arousal/erection and if this happens I start feeling bad and feel that everything is lost (it's like a break in all activities).
I realize that what I am thinking about pre-cum and erection is not the reality but I can't make myself to internalize this at the basic level (it's like a habit of incorrect thinking).

This was until around March of this year. Then the following things started to happen:

For some reason since last year (spring of 2013) I would start waking up in the middle of the night and start to hump the mattress - basically masturbating. This once made me experience pre-cum and I had anxiety about this for 3-4 months. I was very unproductive at school during this time. Then this night wake up started to happen again and again. Around the end of February this year I couldn't hold myself and basically masturbated in sort of semi-sleep to full ejaculation and orgasm.

Next day i was so aroused that I went on and was playing with myself. Suddenly I had spontaneous ejaculation without any orgasm or anything - just randomly. i was depressed next day that i couldn't hold myself. so I decided to go on and masturbate to see how I'll feel; after - I was desperate since I had spilled sperm by masturbating after my promise 10 years ago. I did ejaculate basically in a few seconds. I was doing it 2-3 times next 2-3 days and then stopped.

Then I abstained for 4-5 weeks since I was afraid of Masturbating. I had some anxiety about not being able to control myself and masturbating first time after 10 years of not doing. Plus I had this anxiety that masturbation makes me intellectually weak and I lost all the achievements in my life I had during these 10 years of abstaining and my promise that I gave myself at the age of 15.

Somehow, mainly due to academic pressure at school, I accepted things the way they happened and could forget that I did masturbate. All the anxieties about masturbating in March went away.

But then I masturbated again - I couldn't hold myself from playing with my body and ejaculated. I got depressed that I did it again after all this hard work to accept everything as it happened and did masturbate 3-4 times during the next 2 days.

During this period my productivity at school went down a lot. I would have this constant self -destroying thoughts blaming myself for not being able to control myself from playing with my penis/body, for being aroused. I was feeling like I am academically weak not since I masturbated/spilled sperm.

I stopped since then and didn't masturbate for 3 weeks now (I am abstaining due to this fear that I will loose my intellectual level and overall fear of masturbating that I developed).

At the same time I feel I want to masturbate. I also noticed that the fact that i am masturbating basically makes me not to worry about pre-cum, erection, being horny, being next to a cute girl. I am not afraid of seeing erected penis or being aroused since I know that I always have this exit via MB. Basically, all the anxieties that I wrote you about disappear.

At the same time I think that masturbating makes me weak and intellectually stupid. I feel some guilt after masturbating like.

Also, If I accept masturbation as just as a fact of life of a man then I can move and win all these anxieties.

I don't know how I can proceed for the rest of my life further with this problem and tradeoff that I write about here.

This problem took so much of my energy, time. I couldn't enjoy life as a student as I could due to this problem. I was always hiding from it and after 3-4 weeks battle with myself after pre-cum experience or arousal I would accept things and move on. But this year things went really far - I basically started to masturbate.

I am also very shamed to tell anyone in personal about this problem - it seems very awkward. Also, in general I am a normal guy in other parts of life.

This problem somehow developed in me since puberty.

There are no religious reasons behind it, nobody told me that masturbating is bad.

It started to happen because I though it was something hidden,secret (which started to imply that it's bad). I also thought that at the age of 12-14 the boy is not ready to ejaculate and it amplified my fears. I also read in some book (old one) that masturbating makes you stupid and weak. All these fears made me to abstain and then eventually lead to the problem I am writing about.

I was always thinking that may be when I am in late 20's I will meet a girl, fall in love with her and this issue will disappear by itself (I am ready to accept all these issues of erection/ejaculation if I had a girlfriend) - but it didn't happen - also since it's so difficult to meet girls as a PhD student.

Is masturbation considered natural and healthy behavior?

Is it normal if I do it at the age of 25 and I am single guy?

Are there any side effects of masturbation?

How often per week is it OK to masturbate?

Does masturbation affect intellectual abilities? I am a PhD student and this is one of the main concerns I have.

Should I think of masturbation as a natural part of being a man (male)?

Please could you give your opinion/advice about this general issue and questions I asked.

Thanks.

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Heather
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This really sounds to me like the way you feel and have felt about this is severe; the kind of severity that is probably best addressed with a good counselor or other mental healthcare provider.

In a word, I am hearing you express what sounds like a really debilitating amount of fear and shame over your body and sexuality: fear and shame that clearly is getting in the way of you feeling comfortable with both and comfortable with yourself. It's got to feel pretty awful to be feeling like you are, and to have felt this way for so long. [Frown]

Masturbation does not make people less intelligent. The archaic idea it did was not based in any fact or study: it was based in people using sexuality as a means of social control. Masturbation is something almost everyone does or has done through history, all around the world,of every gender: so, if by "normal" we mean common? It's probably one of the most normal things there is in the world.

Masturbation does not present "side effects," just like say, rubbing a sore muscle to make it feel better does not: there are not "side effects" to people touching places on their bodies, and only health concerns if they do so in ways that are unsanitary or unsafe (like with sharp objects).

Because masturbation is something many people do privately or alone doesn't mean it automatically is bad. People also most often shower alone, cut their toenails alone, dance in their underpants alone or practice a musical instrument alone. Private or alone is just that: it's value-neutral.

I can't tell you how to think about masturbation: that's for each person to decide. But I do think it is clear that the way you have been isn't serving you, and is only causing you distress.

Would you be open to seeking out mental healthcare help so you can move past this and not have these fears and feelings get in the way of you living your life so much, and being comfortable with yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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coolsup22
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To Heather,

Yes, I am interested in solving this problem.

But I am afraid that since it's such a private question - how will I tell somebody about this problem in person?


I was thinking one way to go is to just accept masturbating as part of life and move on not thinking and blaming myself for doing it.

I want to masturbate sometimes and want to accept it - I I just have this stigma and fear that I am writing about.

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Heather
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You know, often with big shame/fear just doing that alone -- just saying, in person and out loud, what you are feeling -- often has a big, and positive, impact. Shame like this is one of those things that gets most of its power from secrecy and silence.

So, how would you do that? You'd pick a mental healthcare provider or sex therapist you feel good about, and you'd just go ahead and blurt it out. And probably instantly feel SERIOUSLY relieved, and could then move forward with more, smaller steps to ditch these feelings and start to get to a place where you feel a lot more comfortable. [Smile]

For sure, changing your own thinking by yourself is one option, but it sounds like that is the one thing you have been trying, for years now, and that clearly is not working out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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coolsup22
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I contacted people about this problem.

As far as I understand the way to solve this problem is to face these fears - i.e. masturbate which is at the core of CBT treatment.

During these 10 years I was afraid of the problem but I wasn't masturbating for 10 years.

I started doing it recently - March of this year.

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coolsup22
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Also, I found there are people who want to abstain - they have forums on this.

Why is it so?

Thanks

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Heather
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There are a world of ways of treating anxiety, and exposure therapy is only one of them. Like any treatment for anything, that is a good fit for some folks, not for others. Exposure therapy is also something done working with a therapist, not flying solo.

CBT is also only one kind of therapy, not all.

You are describing a longtime pattern of very severe shame and anxiety, so again, my best advice for you to start feeling better and having this limit your life less is to seek out a mental healthcare provider of some kind to work with you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I can't speak for those people, but I am sure they speak for themselves about that on those forums.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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coolsup22
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Heather,

Do girls/women masturbate?

is it common among females?

Thanks

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September
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Heather has stepped out for today, I hope it is alright if I pick up this conversation with you.

Yes, women do masturbate, as well. Whether or not people masturbate really has nothing to do with gender - some men enjoy masturbation and others don't, and the same is true for women.

Have you seen this article yet? Some of your questions are addressed there, as well: Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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coolsup22
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Thanks.

Why then there is a belief that by losing semen the guy loses sexual energy and becomes weak energetically?

Do I lose anything when I lose my semen without a girl?

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Sam W
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Hi coolsup,

It's hard to say really, these types of beliefs can arise for multiple reasons, and can spread for multiple reasons as well. But a good thing to keep in mind is that, regardless of the motives, that idea is simply not true. They're most often based in out-dated or misunderstood information about how bodies work, or are created by people who view masturbation as morally wrong and want to convince people not to engage in it.

And yes, you are correct that masturbating does not cause you to lose anything.

[ 05-13-2014, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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coolsup22
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Is masturbation a part of being a normal single guy?

Why is there a feeling of guilt after masturbation?

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Redskies
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I'd say that masturbation is often part of being a human being.

It's very natural for humans to have sexual feelings (although not everyone does, and that is not unnatural). What one person does with their own body, by themself, is their business; people have the right to do what they want with their own body, in private. People in relationships also masturbate. Partnered sex is different to masturbation: partnered sex is about what both people want to do together, whereas masturbation is about one person's individual sexual desires and needs. No-one has to masturbate, of course; but in relationships, masturbation can be a very good thing, because it's a way each person can focus only on their own wants and their own sexual life.

Are you asking why people in general might feel guilt after masturbation, or why you feel guilt after masturbation? Not everyone feels guilt after masturbation - many people don't feel guilty. People who feel guilt have often learned somewhere that masturbation is in some way bad, unhealthy or shameful. Masturbation is, medically and physically, a completely neutral act, but there are a lot of strong cultural and societal beliefs that it is in some way bad or unhealthy. From the questions you've already asked, it sounds like you've heard that masturbation is in some way unhealthy or bad for you. It's a very human response to feel guilty about doing something we think we shouldn't or that we think is bad for us.

We can talk more with you about why you think you feel guilty, or about why there are so many societal messages that masturbation is bad and why they're wrong, if you like.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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coolsup22
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My general problem is that I fear that MB makes my IQ and mental level lower - like I become less smart.

This introduces constant anxiety that obsessively lasts all day when I am awake or it might somehow come to my mind so that I start feeling bad about myself - like I can't solve those math problems or understand things I did before I masturbated.

It's very anxious feeling that lowers my productivity significantly.

But at the same time I want to masturbate and need relief all sexual tension.

Thanks

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Heather
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There is not, nor has there ever been, any study or data whatsoever that supports that.

So, you think that, but that is not something supported, at all, ever, by any study. As a graduate student, I'm sure you can understand that that means your feelings here may be feelings, but they are not factually based.

Again, it is very much sounding to me like what you need is a qualified counselor/therapist to help you with this. So, I'll ask again: are you open to seeking out that help?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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coolsup22
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After contacting several of them it seems nobody knows how long it might take to treat this issue.
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September
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It would be really difficult to make estimates on the treatment time for most anything in mental health. That is because you'll first need to suss out what is at the root of this anxiety, and then decide the best course of action based on that. So, no counselor or therapist who takes their job seriously would be able to give you a definitive answer to that question.

Might I ask why you are asking counselors/therapists how loing this might take? And why that is, apparently, something holding you back from getting help?

[ 05-19-2014, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: September ]

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
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By all means, I would expect that to be the answer anyone got, for anything, calling into a mental healthcare provider. Not only have they not even had a first visit with you to evaluate you yet, but like Joey said, that kind of estimate is just not something any mental healthcare provider can give at the onset.

This is not like getting your brakes fixed, after all. [Smile]

[ 05-19-2014, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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