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Author Topic: Need help
Redskies
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That doesn't sound like anything to be concerned about. Nearly everyone who menstruates gets random spotting occasionally.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Princess_g
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even if its days after my period?

So I am talking to this guy and I told him that i wasent ready for sex anytime soon and he seemed to accept. I was hoping you guys could help me with relationship advice.
He got out of a 2 year relationship with his ex about 4 months ago and he said that he met me and he wants nothing to do with her but she is crazy and keeps texting and calling him he wont answer but im starting to get annoyed. Ive talked to him about and he said that he wants nothing to do with her but its getting to the point were i cant pretend im okay with it. What should i do? i really like this guy and i feel like he really likes me but he cant tell when something is wrong and I dont want her to ruin things for us.

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September
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There is really nothing you can do. It is up to your partner to establish the boundaries he wants with his ex. If she's repeatedly ignored his requests and he is feeling harrassed by that, he can take stronger measures, such as blocking her phone number. But this is really up to him, and his decision to make.

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Johanna
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Princess_g
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So I have a question would you be able to tell the difference if when you are receiving oral sex and you are totally into it, If he stuck his penis in you? Im scared that when i was receiving oral he stuck his penis in me although he had his pants on but it was dark so i dont know if he took them off.
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Princess_g
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I havent asked him but its been a week and i was ovulating that week where it happened and he has not said anything about it.
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September
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Yes, you would be able to tell if someone entered you with a penis during oral sex.

Princess, I am very concerned that this is the second time you've asked whether it might be possible for someone to do things to you sexually without you noticing. This sounds to me like you either do not trust your senses at all, or are with partners who you do not trust at all, or both. Do you feel safe with this guy you are with? Do you trust him? Can you communicate with him honestly?

You also said in our conversation a couple of weeks ago that you are not ready for sex anytime soon, but now it sounds like you had oral sex with him recently. What changed to make you feel ready for that?

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Johanna
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Princess_g
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it was at the heat of the moment honestly, and like at the time it felt okay but i tend to overthink alot and i think about stuff like that. I do trust him, and he knows that im virgin and he is okay with that, Like i said before i felt it was at the heat of the moment and i felt okay when it happened and the next day i started panicking because i was suppose to be ovulating that week, and i know that not everyone has 28 day cycles but last month i got my period on the 28th cycle so i calculated my ovulation and it on that week, thats why i think im panicking now.
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Onionpie
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Hi Princess. Do you know why you keep participating in kinds of sex that you know you are not comfortable with after, why it keeps happening in the "heat of the moment"? Do you feel like you are not able to really control how you're acting at these times?

It's important to only participate in sex that you feel good about at all times: before, during, and after. But you seem to pretty consistently not feel good about these things after the fact. So I would really suggest holding off on any kinds of sex that you know will make you feel bad about after, until you are feeling more ready for them.

I also think you should take a look at this article:
When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

Also, you really can't accurately calculate your ovulation unless you are charting a whole bunch of information, and that can only be done when you've had a regular cycle for at least a few years, which pretty much is never the case for young people anyway. So really, you can't know when exactly you'd be ovulating.
There's more on that here:
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2013/12/03/lets_dial_down_some_maybe_ovulation_freakouts

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Princess_g
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Thats just it i cant control the way i feel like i am attracted to him in that way and for some reason when that hapenpens where we get into a situation like that i always freak out and it sucks because i feel like im never going to be able to actually enjoy a feeling with someone you really care about. I know people say you know when the timing is right and when you are ready but for some reason sometimes i feel like i am ready and then when this happens which is not even actual intercourse i freak out. I learned my lesson with this situation about not letting just the heat of the moment happen, I do want my first time to be special and amazing but for some reason i feel like i am ready, but when it comes down to it i change my mind.
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Onionpie
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Okay, but there is a difference between not being able to control how you feel, and not being able to control how you're acting. Do you get the difference in that? Do you feel like you're somehow not in control of how you're acting?

Did you read the article about "when sex 'just happens'"?

Also, if you're feeling ready sometimes but then when it actually comes down to it you change your mind, I'd suggest to take that as an indicator that you're just not totally ready right now. Which is obviously totally okay! But I think if you try to honour your feelings around that, by avoiding taking part in types of sex that you know you will not feel okay about later, you will feel a lot less stress.

If you're not really sure what it realistically means to feel ready for any kind of sex, I suggest you check out this:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

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Princess_g
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Its the same thing for me im really attracted to this guy physically and when we start kissing i get really turned on and then i cant sometimes control how i feel when that happen it was one of those days where i got caught in the moment and when it happened and was happening I didnt feel guilty but the next morning is when i started overthinking and i felt guilty. I dont know if its guilt that i feel or something else, because that same night i was fine,
and yeah maybe your right about avoiding it completely so i dont stress about it,
well right now im waiting for my period to come i have not been stressing about it since i talked to you guys and my sister so i am hoping it comes when i expected too. my sleep schedule has been a little wacky so it might be a couple days late maybe.

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Onionpie
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The fact that you are unable to really control how you act is a really big indicator that this is something you should probably hold off from. If we're unable to make decisions about what we do, and keep finding ourselves doing impulsive things solely because we are aroused in the moment, that is a huge cause of feeling like we're out of control, and not being able to make decisions that are best for us. It's also really important to be able to make good decisions in the heat of the moment, it's part of what it means to be ready for sex or a similar situation in which we need to be able to make decisions despite feelings.

Please read the "when sex just happened" article, as it discusses this sort of thing in depth and will definitely be able to help you.

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Princess_g
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I understand what you are saying I think your right i put my self in situations i can avoid, and i think the guy im talking to would be perfectly fine with me saying no to things that will cause me worry, aand if he is not then he is not the guy for me. I think i do these things because i want to show that i really care about the this guy, but if its causing me stress its better to hold off on things like that.

I am just worried about the the whole oral sex situation because i dont know if i would be able to tell the difference because i was so aroused, and that was my first time feeling that.. im just waiting for my period to get here so i can feel a slight better, Last month i got it on the 18 so im hoping it comes in time. [Frown]

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Princess_g
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Thank you so much for all your advise anda help this website is awesome especially for girls like me that don't really have people to talk to about stuff like this.
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Heather
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Again, aroused or not aroused, someone putting something like a penis or fingers into the vagina feels like someone putting a penis or fingers into the vagina. Much in the same way that kissing someone feels really different than putting your fingers inside your mouth or throat: they're things that feel very different.

I really think you need to let go of the fear or idea that somehow intercourse happened without you knowing. That isn't helping you, and it's so far from reality, we can be sure it really is not something real.

We don't demonstrate care for someone else well by doing things that do us any harm and which are also in no way essential for a person's survival or well-being. What we demonstrate more with something like engaging in sex we don't feel good about is demonstrate insecurity or a lack of faith in the other person (faith that even if we nix sex they want, they'll still like us and want to hang around, mostly).

I think it better demonstrates care and respect to hold your own lines, and think the other person is at least a good enough person to respect them and respect that you -- as they will, too -- have boundaries. [Smile]

[ 06-17-2014, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Princess_g
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I think thats the fear i cant let go of thinking that something happen between us! Like last month I had my period on the 18th of may and I have not got my period yet. Isint it late already because even though i never get it at my 28th day cycle i always get it on my 30th day and its late.
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Onionpie
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A period isn't counted as late until it's 5 days later than the LATEST you expect it (as everyone's cycles vary in length even when they're regular).

Do you have any thoughts as to why you find it so hard to let go of the idea that somehow intercourse happened without you being aware? It's been explained clearly to you that that isn't something realistically possible, but you still seem to have trouble letting go of it, which means there may be something underlying that fear. So, any ideas as to why this still bothers you even after it's been explained? Do you feel disconnected from your body? Do you feel like you can't trust your own senses, or do you feel like you can't trust your partner?

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Princess_g
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I think i cant let it go because i was naked altough he had his pants on but it was dark and he was drunk at the time i wasent but he was because it was his birthday , but i mean i feel like he would tell me if something happened and like from what i remember nothing did, but i just dont know the difference because i was aroused and like i said it was in the night and we were in the bedroom, but i feel like i woould have felt it, but the fear of maybe something else happening makes me double think everything.
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Princess_g
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How do you know what day to expect it?
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Onionpie
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I was asking more about what is underlying your fear -- clearly it's not really just about the fact that you were naked, because we've already addressed the fact that you would be able to feel the difference. So again -- do you feel maybe you are disconnected from your body? Do you feel like you can't trust your senses or your partner? You said he was drunk at the time, do you think maybe the fear is tied to that -- like maybe you feel you couldn't trust him as much because he was drunk? Or did you feel like you didn't want to be doing those things with him while he was drunk?

You know when to expect a period by charting your cycle for months. Basically, keep track of when your period starts (and how long it lasts) and after several times through your cycle you may begin to see a pattern of how many days there are between the start of your periods. It will not line up with dates on the calendar, as cycles are rarely exactly a month long, they vary from cycle to cycle, and not every month has the same number of days anyway. We have a handy chart for tracking your period here: http://www.scarleteen.com/the_scarleteen_menstrual_charting_calendar

there's also more about charting in general (and a more in-depth form of charting) here:
Get With the Flow: All About FAM

[ 06-18-2014, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Princess_g
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I think its both of those things him being drunk makes me think he was not thinking straight and maybe decided to stick his penis in, But when i asked him if he remembered everything from that night he said he did i didnt really want to ask him if he stuck his penis and plus he still tells me that when im ready he will wait for me.
and i have been keeping a cycle since march.
On March i got my period on the 18th and then on april i got it on the 20th and on may i got it on the 18th.
so my cycle went from
March 18-22
april 20- 24 or 25
May 18th- 22nd or 23nd

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Princess_g
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I think its both of those things him being drunk makes me think he was not thinking straight and maybe decided to stick his penis in, But when i asked him if he remembered everything from that night he said he did i didnt really want to ask him if he stuck his penis and plus he still tells me that when im ready he will wait for me.
and i have been keeping a cycle since march.
On March i got my period on the 18th and then on april i got it on the 20th and on may i got it on the 18th.
so my cycle went from
March 18-22
april 20- 24 or 25
May 18th- 22nd or 23nd

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Onionpie
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So your first cycle was 33 days, and your second was 28 days. That's not really enough to go on to be able to figure out an average length for you, but you're at 31 days at the moment for this cycle, so you know already it's not later than the latest you could expect it.

Okay, so it sounds like maybe you weren't feeling comfortable taking part in sexual activity while your boyfriend was drunk. So, that would definitely be something you can talk to him about so that this kind of thing doesn't happen in the future. Do you think only participating in any kind of sex while you're both sober would make you feel more comfortable? We could help you with figuring out how to talk to him about that, if you want.

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Princess_g
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So my latest cycle is 33 days?

and yeah i think thats what it is, That my boyfriend was drunk so, and i already talk to him about this not happening again and after it happen he asked me how I was feeling and i told him i felt uncomfortable after but not at the moment,and he apologized and ahe said he wouldnt do it anymore unless i was comfortable and thats why i feel like if more happened he would have told me at that time.

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Princess_g
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And i feel all the symptoms like its coming bdut its not here yet. Ive been getting cramps really bad.
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Princess_g
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Okay so today earlier I went to the bathroom and when i whipped myself i had a little bit of red, it wasent sooo visible but i could tell, does that mean my period is going to start soon?
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Princess_g
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wiped*
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Molias
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We really can't know when your period will start. Things like cramping or spotting are common premenstrual symptoms, but there's no way to tell exactlywhen your period will arrive. Alas, we are not uterine scryers, period psychics, or anything of the sort. All you can do, at this point, is to wait for it to arrive.
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Princess_g
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So I dont know where to start but i guess ill start with the fact ive been feeling like complete crap lately.. Ive been really emotional for a while and i was just wondering besides giving pregnancy and sex advice you guys give psychological advice as well, i think i might be suffering from depression. well ill start it off by asking on a week ago me and the guy im dating went on a getaway to have time together and we have been talking for 3 months and he has told me that he wants to ask me to be his gf in the most romantic way so i thought maybe that week he would ask me, but he didnt it was disappointing and the thing i dont understand is he has told me he thinks he is falling in love with me. I asked him recently if he wanted to be in a relationship with me or is he just seeing how it goes for a while and he said that he did but he does not want to rush into one. He says that he likes the way we are now and he feels that it will make our relationship stronger and last longer. well after that week all i did was cry at night, on June 11 on our getaway I had my underwear and booty shorts on and only had hiss boxers he pre cum on his boxers it wasent alot but i felt it when he was on top of me it felt like he peed on me. I might have been ovulating that week is it possible to get pregnant? right now we are acting weird he had our first little fight yesterday and well i feel like he is acting weird. Im hoping my period is late because ive been depressed and been crying. but im not sure
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Princess_g
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Ive been feeling so insecure lately, and I dont know if i should let him go because i know sooner or later he wants to be intimate he has already told me and ive told him im not ready and he says that sex is not everything in a relationship but i know sooner or later its going to be an expectation and i have thought about going on the pill, but sex for me is something so important i want to make love to the person i love and that i feel like we will be together for a good while. I just dont know if ANY guy will wait until i want too.
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Heather
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There are people in the world who want what you want and have similar timelines and pacing for sex as you. And some of those people are guys. There's nothing about having a certain body part or gender that makes someone want sex on a certain timetable, or makes someone unable to gold off on sex until someone they want to be with feels ready for that.

But this last post here? This sounds like the kind of thing to say to someone before you get serious: to put out there and just ask them, directly, if that all sounds like something they also want, or even if they don't, is something they feel totally fine about doing because it's what you need.

Have you done that with this person yet? If not, sounds like it's time, given how worried you are about this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Princess_g
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We have talked about it and he said he would wait until i was ready, but then again ive been told that too and thats what drove me and my ex boyfriend to break up. He thought he could and he got too sexually frustrated until he had some type of a grudge on me and felt like i was not interested in him in that way. can you answer the question about the pregnancy issue please. and what about my depression issues its not just about him, its about how i feel about myself as well
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Heather
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Right, but this guy is not your ex. That was one person, this is someone else, a different person.

It sounds like you are thinking that because your ex was a guy, and your current is a guy, they must be the same people when it comes to this. Any sense of why you think you are feeling that way?

Can I ask how much time you took between these relationships? And if, when you went into this one, you did so feeling over your lat relationship, strong in yourself, and up to really taking the emotional risks intimate relationships involve us taking?

Depression is a medical issue, one best, and often only, helped through healthcare. Is that something you are already getting? If not, would you like to know how to seek that out?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Per the pregnancy issue, as I think we have discussed before, things like oral sex and people having on undergarments and rubbing their bodies together are not situations which can result in a pregnancy.

But it also sounds like you know you are just not comfortable with this, so how about setting some limits so you are ONLY doing anything sexual you really, really want and also feel good about?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Princess_g
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I know he is not, but im just saying thats exactly what my ex said but I try to be realistic sooner or later especially if we get together I think he will become sexually frustrated especially because he has already had sex before in his past relationship they were together for 2 years and i went into the relationship 6 months after my ex so i was over it he hurt me alot but i was over him i didnt want anything to do with him. I knew the whole sex is going to be an issue with any guy so thats why i let them know befre hand how i feel about that certain subject and then they can decide if they want to continue with the relationship or not.

and yes i would i just dont know how, and how to tell my parents, does this mean i should probably take some time apart from the guy im talking to as well? Because they always say you cant be with someone if you are unhappy with yourself?

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Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

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