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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Recently crossed a border with my boyfriend

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Author Topic: Recently crossed a border with my boyfriend
Juliadawson
Neophyte
Member # 109825

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Me and my boyfriend have recently (a bit more than a month) crossed a sexual border. I was really comfortable with it and I had a lot of fun in the beginning, but now I feel like he expects it ALL the time. When we're planning to go out and do something fun he always asks if I wanna go over to his place instead. Before everything going to his place was common but now when I go there I feel like he expects something to happen. I wouldnt mind it only now and then, I actually really enjoy myself, but I can't help but feel that's all he wants from me now.
Now I wish we hadn't ever done it at all. How do I talk to him about this? I wanna say I'm down with it but not all the time we go out...

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Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hey Julia,

I wonder if you've tried to talk to him already... I totally agree that it's the thing to do. I'd hope that if he knew what you've said here that you could figure out what works for both of you.

What bit of talking to him do you reckon you need help with?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I also want to make clear that I do not see any reasons for you to regret what you did sexually. It is not like, after all, doing something sexually then somehow makes someone insist on it ever after or only want to do that thing: it doesn't.

In other words, this isn't an issue of you choosing to do something you wanted or doing that thing. Rather, it's an issue of you and your boyfriend clearly wanting different frequency when it comes to sex -- and this is an issue for many couples, since you're not the same person, so won't be the same in many things, including this -- and perhaps you two needing to communicate about those differences and find a middle ground that leaves you both feeling good about things. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Juliadawson
Neophyte
Member # 109825

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I just dont really know when to bring up the subject. Also I'm not really sure he expects something, I just feel like he does, maybe it's just an impression... So I wanted to talk about it in a way it's not awkward or hurts his feelings or something if it's not true. I plan on talking to him about this tomorrow
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd say it's basically now. This is an issue now, so it is time to talk about it.

So, next time you hang out, you come in or meet up and ask him if you can go somewhere and sit down and talk about something that has been bothering you. Then you do.

And you do not have to speak for his feelings or motives, and really shouldn't. So, saying something like, "I feel like you expect..." rather than telling him what he expects -- which only he knows, not you, unless he tells you -- is the way to go anyway. [Smile]

In other words, if you just talk about your own feelings here, and lead with that, you do not have to worry about saying something that is not true, or assigning him feelings that he does not actually have. And if you lead the conversation with kindness, you don't have to worry about hurting him, either. This is about communicating to improve and sustain your relationship, after all, not about insulting him or an intent to destroy it. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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