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Author Topic: drunk sex
mistysolitude
Neophyte
Member # 108810

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so i'm in my first term at university and friday night, while both of us were drunk, i lost my virginity to the guy in the room next door to me who is also one of my friends. i'm happy with my consent, and had already said earlier in the night, when only tipsy, that i would happily have sex with him if i got the chance. in my drunken state i hadn't realised how drunk he was, and the next morning he was very hungover and said he didn't remember much of the previous night. i have no idea if he remembers us having sex and i don't really know how to ask. he initiated the sex, but i'm worried that he was too drunk to know what was really happening and give proper consent.
also one of our friends keeps joking that me and the guy i had sex with should have sex and i find it incredibly awkward. i'm pretty open about sex and wouldn't mind other people knowing, but if the guy i was with doesn't remember it happening i don't want to spread it without his consent. and i don't want people to think i'm lying about it.
any help on the consent issue or raising the subject with him so i can work out what he remembers? how do i deal with it if he doesn't?

Posts: 2 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Ultimately, on the consent side, when people are intoxicated, legally, and often practically, full consent simply isn't possible.

I think how you ask someone afterwards like this in terms of if they felt sex was consensual is just by asking them, just like that. In other words, "I'm concerned about what we did last night in terms of consent: how do you feel about it?"

When you ask how you deal if he doesn't remember, can you be a little clear on what you're asking for?

I also think that even when consensual, sex between people often tends to be something private, so even if it was consensual, when you can have a conversation with someone -- as in, you are still in contact with them -- about how they feel about you sharing a sexual experience you had with them with others, especially when you're sharing with whom, that's good form.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mistysolitude
Neophyte
Member # 108810

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if he doesn't remember, what to i tell him about what happened? i feel like my friendships here are still so new and i don't want to screw it up. also i already feel guilty that perhaps his consent wasn't full and if he doesn't remember then i feel like it truly wasn't consent. how do i deal with the fact that i had sex with someone without their consent?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, if he doesn't remember, then you can tell him what you do. You can then ask him what, if anything, he wants and needs from you around this.

How about you have this conversation with him first, so we can have a better sense of what we're talking about here per consent or the lack of it so far as his own feelings, since this is also something he gets to have choices about?

But certainly, to start with, I think all anyone can ever really do when and if they have engaged in sex nonconsensually with someone, or assaulted/abused them in any way, is to a) do what they can per responsibility towards and with the other person, primarily led by that other person's expressed wants and needs, and then b) move forward committing to make different choices to better assure full, informed consent, like, for example, making an agreement with yourself not to engage in sex with someone when they're drunk, but instead to say no, or table sex for another time when people are sober and capable of giving full consent.

[ 11-03-2013, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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