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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » trouble with orgasm

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Author Topic: trouble with orgasm
Member # 108592

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Hi I wanted to start a thread here so I could discuss the details more clearly. I have been married a few months now, only been sexually active since then and although me and my husband are very sexually compatible and enjoy the same type of sexual activities I just really can't seem to orgasm. I don't just mean from sex either which I appreciate not many can cum from that alone but it takes me so long to even get close sometimes and by the time I do my husband is exhausted from trying.

He is very kind and always offers to use toys first and his fingers or oral sex to get me 'ahead' as he cums within minutes or less when we have intercourse. He cums everytime and so far I have not been able to do that even once. I can tell it dissapoints him and he has even expressed how much he would love me to orgasm with him but when I explained that pressure makes me less likely to orgasm he has tried not to mention it or make me feel pressured to reach orgasm.

It is becoming very frustrating as I do feel somewhat satisfied once he has cum and I enjoy the intimacy and fun of sex but I really want the relief and pleasure of an orgasm and he would too I'm sure!

I really don't know what happens I just have never been able to reach orgasm easily even on my own. I have cum only a few times through orgasm using a dildo or vibrator and I make quite a mess as I seem to be a 'squirter'. I know this is partially my issue as I am so nervous of making a huge wet mess when I do cum and also that sensation of worrying about needing a wee when its just an orgasm coming. We have used latex sheets and towels which helped me relax but everytime I get close to orgasm I am so exhausted or my husband's wrist or tongue or something is aching and so I tell him to stop as it 'turns me off' hearing him say he is exhausted. I just wish I could orgasm but its so difficult, I get close and then its like a numbness happens and the feeling of pleasure almost turns into annoyance or an irritating feeling and even though I feel unsatisfied and still horny I just have to give up. I have pushed past that and kept trying before too but still nothing happens. We have tried various positions,**** rings,fantasies,ribbed condoms,lubes,and playing with my clit as he does something else to me but nothing is working.

Why can't I cum? [Frown]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hi roses! This sounds so stressful for the pair of you. Given you're just trying to feel close and for you to enjoy orgasm I can see why.

It seems to me you have summed up much of why you're struggling to orgasm in your post... namely that you are just someone who takes a long time, but also that this relationship is putting extra pressure on that orgasm which makes it harder.

Have you guys tried ignoring orgasm for a while?

Because although orgasms can be great, it sounds like you are both feeling a lot of pressure to center your pleasure around aiming for orgasm, rather than aiming for pleasure itself... sometimes that can lead to orgasm. But as the aim is just feeling good, that is more achievable and in the meantime, simply getting what you've been aiming for can bring the sort of satisfaction that it is really good to build on.

My other thought is that you guys could consider bringing into the situation some of what you do during masturbation. Something he might 'give you' could be the opportunity to masturbate with him... it sounds like it is very physically demanding for him to do something which you are able to do on your own so perhaps, if you masturbated and he pleasured you with you guys taking in turns working towards orgasm, that might be a technique that would help if it's still something you want to aim for.

If it was me I think I'd first want to shift away from focusing on orgasm as an aim. I've plenty of great sex where nobody had an orgasm and it was more like a sort of intimate mutual massage to make each-other feel good via our bodies.

Trying to just find each-others bodies enjoyable without any pressure whatsoever sounds to me like it could be the best place to start working in things that might be more suited to reaching orgasm, compared to now where you might be trying to introduce potentially pleasurable things into quite a pressured situation.

Does any of this sound like it might work out well for you guys?

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I also check in and make sure I'm understanding correctly that you have only been starting to learn with sex -- including masturbation -- for a few months?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 109142

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(Post removed as this forum is intended for Scarleteen staff and volunteer responses only. -- RM)

[ 12-22-2013, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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