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Author Topic: involuntary gagging at the smell of cum
rosesandruses
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Hi Scarleteen, this is my first post so sorry if I do anything wrong but here goes..

I am not really sure how to word this but I got married not long ago and since I saved sex for after marriage my only experience is with this one guy. I love my husband very much and we are generally very open about our sex life. However recently I have encountered a problem.I love to please my husband and he loves to please me, I really enjoy giving him oral sex and the taste of him but when he cums I just don't know what happens, the smell of it and the taste makes me gag uncontrollably. As you can imagine that can be a bit of an unromantic passion killer and I feel terrible for it. I have managed to 'hide' my reaction most of the time (except once when he just thought it was because I wasn't ready and it went down my throat) so he doesn't know this is an issue. I thought well I just won't let him cum in my mouth and I will be fine. But he likes to finish on me and I love the idea of him cumming on my breasts but when he actually does again I just involuntarily feel sick and want to gag! Its the weirdest thing and I want to be able to enjoy him finishing on me but I just can't cope with the smell. Please tell me is there anything I can do? Is there something abnormal with me, or maybe with him? Does all semen smell odd? Like I say I have only been with this one man and he tastes great in general but when he ejaculates I just can't stand it [Frown]

Of course we could just go without but its a part of our sex life we both love so I want to fix it. I don't want to really say anything to him (especially without a solution) as I know it would really knock his self esteem and he is a sensitive man.

the only thing I have read that says it could help is a diet change? Is this true?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to the boards, rosesandruses. [Smile]

Well, first things first, if you are still keeping this a secret, I'd lobby strongly that you stop doing that. If there's any one thing that is a sex-life-killer, above and beyond everything else? I'd say it's a lack of communication. Not talking to our partners about things like this tends to have a way bigger negative impact on our sexual lives and relationships than whatever the thing we're not talking about is.

Like other body fluids, semen has a smell. But it shouldn't be particularly strong, so if it is, and your husband isn't current with his sexual healthcare, it would be a good idea for him to just get checked for infections, just in case. Is this the only smell that's bothering you lately? Has this always been an issue with the two of you, or only recently?

What people eat can have some minor influence on the smell of their body fluids, but it usually is very minor. The idea that eating this thing or that one will radically change how genital fluids taste or smell is largely based in myth.

So, talking first is what I'd strongly advise. I'm happy to talk with you about how to do that if you like. We can find ways to talk about things like this with care and sensitivity. We can also be sensitive people yet still separate ourselves from other people. In other words, your husband can be sensitive and also recognize that your nasal passages and what's happening with them is about your body, rather than going to a place where he makes this all about him. I'd generally say when people are maturely enough to be having sex -- and certainly when mature enough to be making lifelong commitments! -- I'd hope they're mature enough to hear and handle something like this in a mature way, which involves not going to an -i-suck-this-is-about-me-sucking place, you know?

When you do that, you can also brainstorm for creative solutions and compromises. For instance, you may find that using a condom for oral sex is a fix for this for you. And that him ejaculating on you, right now, just is something that's not working right now, or maybe you can figure out a place he can ejaculate on your body that works for both of you, but isn't your breasts or somewhere else close to your face. Who knows, maybe it will later on.

[ 10-03-2013, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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rosesandruses
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Thankyou for your quick response. We used to only use condoms (flavoured) for oral sex but then tried it without and we both prefer the sensation of the direct contact. We have not been married long so cant vouch for if it has or will change but the times we have engaged in him cumming on me it has always been an odd smell. Its so hard to describe the smell but once its on me I just want to wash it off (even though I would love it if it wasn't for the smell) or I keep gagging so I wonder if maybe it is a stronger smell than it should be.

I would really appreciate help with how to approach telling him please. He likes me to be honest I just fear that I will upset him and then when he asks what he can do to improve it there isn't much I can say so he will be frustrated by it and feel helpless.

also please could you advise me what infection or other things could cause the odour? I had a uti and kidney infection shortly after we began having sex which I cleared up with antibiotics but I often feel a day or so after sex like a uti is coming back. I pee before and after sex and we always use condoms so unless he has an issue contributing to the uti's I get and that causes odor too I don't know. Generally if he has just had a shower no other odor bothers me but if he has not showered then it smells a bit funky anyway (but I presumed that is normal as its where he urinates from and it gets sweaty around there (tmi sorry) so isn't that normal? He has no discharge or anything.

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Heather
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So, you've always had this reaction, then?

Really, with the condoms, some of it may be just learning to use them well. And it also sounds like something has to give here. If it's not working for you in one way without them, but not working for you in other ways with them, well, you have to likely make a choice about which way is better for you, that's all. Sometimes -- often in life, really -- we can't get everything exactly as we want and have to make some compromises. [Smile]

Per infections, could be anything from an STI to a fungal infection, if this is about an infection. But his doctor is the person for him to discuss that with, since his doctor is the only one who can diagnose him. And if he has an infection that needs treatment, that's a health issue that needs sorting and is important to get sorted per his health, okay?

If, for you, you feel like your UTI symptoms never quite cleared up, that's something for you to check back in with your sexual healthcare provider about.

In terms of talking to him, can I ask why you're afraid he might feel upset? In other words, let's say he does: do you not think he has the capacity to handle that?

If and when he asks what can be done, again, that's the part where the two of you would brainstorm together. Where you can talk about checking to make sure this isn't an infection, trying condoms again, ejaculating away from where you can smell so strongly. Maybe you even talk about experimenting with some aromatherapy if you like. For instance, a few drops of something like lavender oil, which is healthy for skin, you put on his thighs might help, as that's a stronger smell, most likely, then his semen. Who knows, but this is what communicating together is for. You don't have to come to this already having the answers, it's something you address and think about solutions with together.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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rosesandruses
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Yes always though we have not done it often I have never enjoyed the smell.I will try some oils or some other aromas to cover the smell and also try and ask him about seeing the doctor though I just kind of hope it is an issue like that so it could atleast be resolved. Its hard to compare as I can't say what another mans odour is like so I don't know if its normal.

I feel he would be upset just because that is the personality he has, he is very sensitive as am I and generally if I know how I would feel about a situation like this I can usually guarantee his feelings will be the same. And I would naturally want to solve it for his sake but also deep down feel a little insecure. He could 'handle' it but I know it would still leave him feeling upset deep down especially if it is 'just the way he is made' so to speak.

I guess we are both adults and somehow I will have to bring this up in a gentle but proactive way. I also feel given his limited past sexual activities he will feel its not an infection or std and be embarrassed to see a doctor but its one of those things none of us particularly love doing!

Just feel a little gutted it has ended up like this but I will try your suggestions thank you.

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Heather
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The thing is, when we become sexual with people, we are vulnerable. And yep, sometimes our insecurities are going to come up: that's generally part of being intimate with someone else.

But if we have a good relationship with a person we are intimate with, and they are caring and kind, we can usually handle it when that happens. And there's truly no avoiding that: it's going to happen. I'd even say trying to avoid it or keep someone else from it often inhibits our growth as people and as partners together, IMO.

I'd also say that again, making this about him strikes me as a strange way to go, whether he is going there or you are. This is about you, your nose, your reaction in your throat. Unless this is only happening because he has an infection -- in which case it will stop when it is treated -- I don't see how this is about him.

Per feeling gutted, do you have a sense of why that is? I know that in the past, we have, fairly often, I'd say, had users who waited until marriage feel like some kind of promise made to them got broken when sex didn't turn out to be magic or perfect, and given some of the propaganda around waiting until marriage, I could certainly understand that kind of disappointment.

The truth is, there's nothing that makes sex between people anything other than a human endeavor, full of all the things that are part of anything we can do as people, and that includes things lie incompatibilities, awkwardness, compromise, clumsiness, unexpected reactions, things being less-than-awesome, the works. That's all going just as true for people who save sex for marriage as it is for people who don't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Did you also want to talk about some other issues you voiced in that other person's thread this morning? If so, happy to do that with you today, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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rosesandruses
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I think the gutted feeling is just from knowing we both enjoy it but may not be able to fulfil that enjoyment because of the reaction I get in my throat but I'm sure with everything else to enjoy we will both not be too bothered by it if it can't be resolved.Most things have been better than expected except this and the other thing I commented about on the other post which was unexpected for me. Thanks again for all your help and I will speak with him about it when it is next appropriate.

Hmm yes if that isn't too much to ask I would like some advice please as I am struggling with that too.

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Heather
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How about you fill me in on what "that" is? All I saw was a response to someone else's post without any information about your own situation or issue. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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