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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Sexuality confusion (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Sexuality confusion
Cosima
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Hi Ken

No it does not mean anything. Physical desires and and whom we are attracted to are 2 separate things.

Just because you had same-sex twice and enjoyed it does not mean you want to be in a relationship with a guy(romantically or sexually) and want to have the sex again.

You should not feel ashamed or dirty AT ALL. These were experiences and that's it. Regardless of how many times you've did it does not change how you feel about women. You identify as straight and are attracted to females. Therefor your sexual past does not change that.

Our experiences does not and should not define us.

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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thank you, cosima I was just really worried about this. you are great, and I hope my partner later on does understand that it was physical desires and not who I am attracted to. Also the term "enjoyed" I am not sure if it fits or not. I just physically liked it but not emotionally or mentally because I was uncomfortable, I still feel like I didn't like it even though I did it twice. But alot of ways that females think is that, if the male partner liked the sex, with another man they are gay or bi, how do I tell her that this does not mean that?

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kenty

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Cosima
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Oh I hope I did not offend you i'm sorry. No if anybody thinks that then they are wrong. Just because you liked the sex does not mean you are gay or bisexual you just physically liked it. Period.

Along the lines of telling you're partner I would suggest telling her that yes, you did have sex with a male and yes I enjoyed. Does it make you bi or gay no it was an experience.Though I physically liked the sex I was not comfortable emotionally or mentally.

It was an experience but it does not define me.

I would also suggest taking it slow and easy that way she's able to comprehend it as well.

[ 08-14-2013, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Cosima ]

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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ok... I wonder if many girls would believe that I am not gay after telling them I physically enjoyed it... also should i tell her the part about me enjoying or just say I didnt like it emotionally and mentally thats why i will never do it again

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kenty

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Cosima
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Well let me say this if anybody judges for what you did in the past then I think you need to examine your relationship with that person.

Also if you want to tell her that part. That is your decision to make. I think honesty is always the best policy. If you feel like she wouldn't understand you don't have to tell her at that moment.

I think I didn't emotionally or mentally like it and that's why I will never do it again works as well.

I hope that make sense.

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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You see I was just confused on this subject because, in my brain until now, I have only been attracted to women, but I heard from other people that if I enjoy sexual things with a man, then I must be bi. However I realized there are different ways and parts of enjoying something.

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kenty

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Cosima
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Yes who ever told you that is wrong. Sexuality is fluid and what we do in the bedroom does not define us.

What we do in the bedroom does not correspond to whom we are attracted to(Romantically,emotionally,or sexually.)

Just because you enjoyed things with a man does not mean you are a gay or bisexual.

Sex and sexual orientation are not the same thing.

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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I see... I just hope my partner would understand this... really hope so...

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kenty

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Cosima
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I wish you luck Ken and just make sure you take it slow and easy. Just be prepared for what she may say. If she doesn't understand then I think you need to reexamine your relationship.

[ 08-14-2013, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: Cosima ]

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

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Heather
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I would add here that linking things sexually sometimes most certainly DOES correspond to who we are attracted to, when we are doing them with people to whom we are attracted.

As well, I'm not sure what "physical desires" means to you, but that certainly can correspond with sexual orientation.

But neither of those things are automatically so, or always so. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.

But once more what your orientation is is what YOU say it is and feel it is. Experiences or others can't define that for you: only you can define that for you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just a note/apology here: Cosima is someone currently being trained as a volunteer, who obviously made an error posting in this thread. Sorry for that mistake, Ken.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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the thing is that i didnt do these gay things, to who i was attracted to. I didnt have any attraction to the person. But physically i liked what i felt. I just dont know what that means. However now I would never do it and even thinking about it does not come to my mind. and i am very attracted to women. I do identify as straight, but where my head is at now is, liking it physically can it have an effect on who i am attracted to now?

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kenty

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ken wat
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please reply heather thank you

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kenty

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Heather
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I'm not sure what "gay things" are. PEOPLE can be homosexual or gay. But "things" or "activities" can't. Things can't have sexual orientation: only living beings can.

What any of this means, from what I can gather, is that you were part of sex with one person, and during sex with that person, it felt good to you. It may mean only that, or more than that, but only you can figure out and know if it means any more than that for you.

Our sexual history is part of our life and who we are, but how much relevance any given part of it has is very individual. We can or may have one given sexual experience which winds up being very meaningful to us and having a lot of relevance to the rest of our lives, we can also have any one sexual experience so totally irrelevant to the rest of our lives, that in time, we even forget it happened or with whom. I can't tell you what relevance this does or doesn't have for you: only you can know that.

But clearly, you are pretty hung up on this. Do you have any sense of why that is? One thing I keep hearing is that the idea of being gay or bisexual sounds pretty scary to you, even though it's not something that has to be scary, including for those of us who actually ARE one of those orientations. It might be that homophobia is playing a role here, and I suspect it is, but what do YOU think is going on with you per being so worried and freaked about this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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i also think that homophobia is playing a role here. To be truthful I do not want to be bisexual or gay. and i do not think I am since I have never been attracted to a man throughout my life. Also I enjoy doing things and being with women. I remember back when I was 12 when I did these gay things, I liked it physically, it felt ok. But I did not like it emotionally for sure. And mentally i felt uncomfortable doing it with a male. That is parts of the reasons why I dont want to do it now. the reason i am hung up on this is because i dont know exactly how much these experiences i had at 12 effect me right now. I would not do them right now. Also I dont want to call myself a label that i am not that is it. i am hung up on this also because i dont know how my girlfriend will react when i tell her this. Will she understand that i am not gay or bisexual that is it.

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kenty

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Heather
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I really am going to ask you try and drop phrases like "gay things," here. They really just further misunderstandings of sexual orientation and sexuality, okay?

I appreciate you recognizing your own homophobia: that's a good thing for people to do, IMO, regardless of their experiences, how they identify or who they are.

Right now, it's seeming like we're having the same conversation in two different threads, though, so can I ask you stick to one of those threads?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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