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Author Topic: Condom Excuses
erehwon
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I have a female friend who is seeing a guy and she is thinking about having sex with him. She asked me what I think about the situation being that I'm a guy (not sure what difference that makes). I told her that I think this guy isn't good for her and here's why.

The problem is that he is older (way older) and is about to get married to another woman. I'm not against my friend making her own choices, but I have no respect for him if he is planning to get married and is planning to cheat.

After telling my friend I thought it was a bad idea for her to have sex with him, I'm not sure what she'll do. I told her that if she does have sex with him to make sure he wears a condom. She said she's on the pill and he claims he's been tested.

I told her not to mention she is on the pill and since he's already a liar, why would he tell the truth about being tested.

He told her he doesn't like condoms. Well, I smell a rat here and I think when she brings out this condom he's going to talk his way around her. ... It's too small.... oops, I tore it.... blah blah blah...

Do you have a list of common condom excuses and good responses she can use on this guy? I was going to suggest we practice the excuses he'll likely use on her.

Thanks.

Posts: 34 | From: Colorado | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I think it's great you're concerned about your friend.

But honestly, you seem to be describing someone who is basically falling for a person who sounds quite a lot like a creep, and who has already basically told you she's just going to go by what he wants.

In other words, even if we wrote out these kinds of scripts for her, I don't see her asking you for them or giving you any indication she'd use them, do you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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In other words, do you think your friend is ready and willing to draw lines with this person or not?

If she is, she doesn't need those scripts, because no matter what the excuse, her answer will be, "I'm not doing this with you without a condom."

And if she isn't ready or willing to draw lines, then no script will help, because she's not going to use it.

Get what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67973 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
erehwon
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I think "creep" is the nice word for this guy. Personally I think she should run the other direction as fast as possible.

She's asking my opinion, so I'm doing what I can to help. She seems conflicted and keeps saying things like, but if we sleep together just once, what's the problem?... I don't know if she'll listen to my suggestions and probably she won't, but I feel like I have to try. I am her friend and she's friends with my gf, so I'd feel like a creep if I didn't at least try when she's asking for my help.

Anyway, I gave her my opinion about this ummm... "creep" and I suggested we go do some group social outings where she might meet someone nice. It's summer and there's tons of stuff to do around town. Frankly, anyone would be better for her than this %$@#!#@.

It sounds like you don't have an article with common excuses [Confused] ? I'll make some stuff up and make sure she's got plenty of condoms on hand too, just in case. They were giving them away at the clinic where I got tested with my gf so that part should be easy.

Even if I fail, at least I can say I tried. And yes, everyone tells me I'm the nicest person they know.

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Heather
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We don't have an article like that because the answer to ANYTHING anyone says when one person insists on a condom for sex and the other person won't comply is always going to be the same, "That's fine, but I'm not having sex with you without one."

Trying to talk someone into using a condom who is trying to manipulate their way out? It doesn't work. What DOES work is someone simply setting a line -- condoms, or no sex -- and then holding it, no matter what the other person says. That makes it more clear the other person isn't going to budge than someone trying to talk sense into the person refusing. get what I mean?

So, were it my friend, rather than trying to find scripts for her to follow, I'd be saying something like, "Hey, friend: you asked for my advice about this guy and I gave it to you. I think he's bad news, full-stop, and I think you deserve worlds better. But if you want to do this and are going to, I'd say the very least you owe yourself is the most basic protections, and that includes condoms. So if he refuses, or tries to come up with excuses? I'd say your only answer should then be no, and to go home. And if you don't think you'll be able to hold those most basic lines with him, not only would I advise you to not even get remotely naked, I'd say that should tell you something is seriously wrong here."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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And, if she needs some extra inspiration around this, or you think it would help?

I'm a big fan of this PSA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLdFreZRw0s [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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erehwon
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Thanks. I know. It's hard for me to know what to say to her when... She should just run.

So when the conversation goes on past that point and she asks me if she should have him wear a condom, I immediately think he's going talk his way around her and likely succeed. Can I scream now?

My next problem is that she is planning to throw a party and apparently he's invited. Now I have to deal with meeting this guy and not saying something to him like,... so.. you do you have a girlfriend? Why didn't you bring her along? etc.

On second thought, I should avoid this party. I don't think I will be able to control myself.

Thanks for the advice and the PSA. :-)

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Heather
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I'd say there really isn't much to say *but* "I think you should just run." And then see what she chooses.

And yes, you can scream: it is really upsetting and maddening going through this stuff with friends, I hear you.

Per the party, I say it's up to you, but yeah, if you don't want to say anything snarky and want to avoid a confrontation, personally, I'd elect to just opt out. I can't speak for you, but it sounds like you might be a bit like me in this kind of situation. Not saying anything to a creep who I suspect or know is playing my friend? Pretty much impossible.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67973 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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