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Author Topic: How can I get him to listen to me?
Inhalex3
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I just have a few questions. I want to know what to do if my boyfriend is hurting me during sex and how I can get him to wear a condom or at least pull out. I'm on birth control but I'm still not comfortable with having unprotected sex. We both got tested before we did anything and we're both clean so he says that it doesn't matter if we don't use a condom because we both got tested and I'm on the pill... I'm still not comfortable with it and he won't listen. What do I do?
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Heather
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Really, all you should have to do with either of these things is to say something and ask.

In other words, you tell your boyfriend he's hurting you, ask him to stop, and communicate with him so he can know what feels good instead of hurting.

With condoms, you ask him to wear one. You make clear it might not matter to him, but it does to you. Of course, he gets to choose to wear condoms or not, but you get to choose whether to have sex with him or not. If he decides, even after you've said this, he really doesn't want to wear condoms, and that's not okay with you, then you choose not to have sex with him, and only to engage in sex with partners who will use condoms.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Inhalex3
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I said something before and he didn't stop and I always ask him to wear a condom but he gets mad at me. I don't really feel like I have a choice and I'm scared to tell him no because I don't want him to get even more mad at me.

Thank you for replying so fast btw.

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Inhalex3
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To be honest I don't have a choice and I can't tell him no because he won't listen to me and he doesn't stop when I tell him to. I don't know how to tell anyone about it and my mom doesn't even know that I'm having sex and I don't want her to find out this way. I don't want her to blame me for having pre marital sex or anything. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do.
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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear that.

If you're with someone who doesn't listen when you tell them no to things then the only sound thing to do is to get away from that person.

Seriously: someone who refuses your sexual limits is someone showing you they are unsafe for you. Someone where any part of sex isn't something they let be a choice for you is someone being sexually abusive, and that's someone to get and stay away from. Someone who doesn't stop something sexual when you say no is someone sexually abusing or assaulting you: again, that's someone to get away from, not stay with or near.

How can we best help you with this next step of getting away from this person?

[ 07-10-2013, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Inhalex3
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Does that mean that I was raped?

And I need help with figuring out how to tell my mom. I don't know how to tell her, what to say, or when to approach her.

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Heather
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Sorry to be late getting here today, Inhalex.

I obviously don't know all of the details here, but sex someone does to us, on us, or inside us without our consent, or when we make clear we are not giving or are withdrawing consent, like saying no -- rather than with us, with our consent -- is, indeed, sexual assault or rape.

Someone who won't stop with sex if and when we say no, and continues is also assaulting us.

Are you saying you'd like to ask your Mom for help getting out of this relationship? If so, perhaps you can fill me in on what you feel like the barriers to that are for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Inhalex3
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Well I know that my mom is against pre marital sex and I don't know how she will react when I tell her. I don't think she knows that I had sex with him before any of this happened and I'm sort of scared to tell her.
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Heather
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Can I ask how you'd say your relationship generally is?

I mean, I assume that if you'd ideally like to tell your Mom, that while it sounds like you differ on this one issue, you must have something of a close relationship?

If so, do you have the sense that your mother would put aside differences in opinions with the sex you DID choose to have so she could help her daughter get out of something that sounds unsafe and abusive? In other words, do you think helping you get safe, and caring for you with something like this is something she'd very much want to do, and put way before what she might think of the choices you have actually made, real choices, without pressure or force, when it comes to sex?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Inhalex3
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My relationship with my mom is good but I never talk to her about sex. I know that she will help me and that's what I want but I'm scared that she will never get over it and it will probably mess up our relationship. She still doesn't fully trust my older sister and she is a lot more strict with her just because she found condoms in her room. I'm just going to have to tell her and deal with what ever she does.
Thank you so much for everything [Smile]

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Heather
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It sounds to me like she really is the person you want to ask for help from with this, so I'd say to trust your gut on that.

What might help to do, and make you feel less scared, is figure you can lead this conversation by saying you need to ask for her help with something, but that in telling her about that, you will probably tell her some things she won't be happy about. Then you can ask of her that, if that happens, for now, she set those things aside -- you can talk about them later if she wants -- while you first focus on working together to get you out of a bad situation.

I'd also add that you be clear about the difference between sex and abuse here, for both your sakes. Sexual assault and rape are not "sex," in that they are something someone does to someone against their will, not sex, where people mutually agree, in a healthy interaction, to be doing together. It's sounding like you have been in and experiencing abuse, and you can make that clear to her (and yourself), and clear that's what you need help getting away from.

You're very welcome: I hope this goes well for you, and that if there's an "in the meantime," you keep yourself safe, and away from anyone who is abusing you, forcing or pressuring you into anything you do not want to be doing.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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