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Author Topic: Feeling hurt, hoping to seek help
shandi
Neophyte
Member # 100642

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Hello, I have a story I'd like to share that happened sometime last year and hope to get some feedback as to why I'm currently still feeling like this. I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel like in order to explain myself it was necessary to be detailed.

There was a man 25 years older than I was approaching me on a date. Now here are a few things- I did not know how much older he was when I was approached, and I had never kissed or had a boyfriend. I met him on an occasion while I was at work, and he gave me his card regarding some sort of employment opportunities. Little did I know he called me a month later to ask me on a date. I was 19, and when I received that call I was surprised to be going through anything like this, but at the same time I've honestly not even known anything about this person, so I agreed to meet him on a date as to give it a chance since I didn't expect anything and felt that it would be mean to turn anyone down without actually knowing anything about it. I met him the next day and he took me out around as well as dinner. Everything was just a typical date thing until after dinner he mentioned he didn't wanna take me to his home as he knew it would scare me, so he asked me if he could show me his office. There's also one thing about me- apart from being inexperienced and never meeting anyone or let alone a person wanting something from me prior, I was also very naive. I took the invite to his office as a sign of kindness and so I agreed without realizing what he actually wanted from me. He was all kind and gentle with me all night until he wanted me to sit on the couch with him. Then he made his move of hugging me and started to kiss me. I didn't know what I was really doing so I kissed him back and we started making out. Things got really heated up and he took my top off while he was kissing me and eventually started kissing my breasts. After awhile he spoke to me and told me he wanted me to be exclusive with him and be "his girl". That's when I found out how much older he was, but I didn't think age was ever an issue, and since I letted the whole kissing thing drag on I thought I liked him. So I sort of agreed and afterwards we made out again and he got so turned on he took his pants off and wanted me to give him a handjob. He didn't orgasm that night but that was a start of what I thought at first was okay but ended up being quite a night mare for me, now that I think about it. Everything I did that night was a complete first time for everything. Honestly I didn't know what I wanted or how exactly I was feeling about this person. To me, it is so important to know someone well before I do anything but what happened was the exact opposite, and I had no mechanisms or whatsoever to deal with the situation. I knew that I had my own boundaries of not losing my virginity, but I wasn't clear enough as to how far I would go. Now that I think about it, I felt like I letted things go too far without deeply considering and I feel like I was too easy or letted someone use me. that night ended with him calling a cab for me to go home and he paid for my ride and asked me to call him when i arrive.

The next day when i woke up I was emotionally messed up and i didn't know what was going on with my mind. I was afraid that I was being too easy for him and that he might be taking advantage of me.. but I also saw how much he cared so i didn't know.. I mean guys don't ask to be exclusive on the first date do they? At some point I felt like I was used but at some point I just didn't. So I called him up that night and told him I wanted to speak to him and he got really frustrated and told me that I was hurting him because he really cares about me. I didn't even tell him what I wanted to say but he knew that I might want to change things around so he kept basing on the fact that we made promises to each other the first night and if things change it would be called lying to each other. He said he wasn't interested in that and if i didn't care about him then i should say goodbye to him. He also said that he probably isn't the right guy for me but I did really wanna see him.. That honestly hurt me a little because it sounded like he was so insisting on this fact and telling me to say goodbye. Then he realized I wasn't too comfortable with getting too physical with him (I was fine with making out but just not the HJ but he didn't really understood). He said that he wasn't willing to keep the physical intimacy out because he has "needs"... I do care about him but i felt that things were going too fast.. obviously he doesn't think so and so the talk went on for a little longer and I don't know what sort of solution we came up with but we met the next day.

I met him for lunch and he was gonna take me up to his place since he was waiting for a package to arrive (which i thought was okay at first because he told me he wasn't gonna do anything i didn't want but I didn't realize that was leading him on) So when i was there we started to make out and he wanted me to also take my bottoms off (insisting that we weren't gonna have sex but he wanted us to make out passionately) I told him I wasn't ready for all that yet and things were just going too fast for me and he thought we worked something out on the phone when I was confused where we were getting. He said i was breaking his heart but I honestly didn't know I was doing it. He wasn't happy with my decision but he respected it.. he also told me that by doing what I'm doing I'm pushing people away, which he isn't wrong because I have issues with trusting people easily... then later he told me since he didn't come the other day so he needed to come twice because he was having a lot of pain down there. I didn't wanna show him I didn't care so I helped him out. I was feeling alright by that time that I could help him out.. He said he was gonna be okay waiting for me to be ready if we keep doing what we're doing now.. so I asked him if he still thinks he isn't the guy for me and he said he thinks he is now since we were bonding.. I didnt reply. Afterwards he made me some food and even watched movies with me and cuddled so I wasn't too uncomfortable when I was there. I wanted to tell him that I want things to go slower though but I didn't know how to tell him with him always being so convincing so I didn't mention it. I did explain to him how my thoughts of an ideal relationship should start off building an emotional bond before going too physically but he didn't agree with me. He thinks physical bond and emotional bond are suppose to happen at the same time.. He said that no other guy out there would do that unless if they were just trying to take advantage of me and he was already being really respectful of me. I couldn't disagree with him on that, and all in all he is very caring and a nice guy but I started to feel that he had so much sexual needs that i am just not ready for. I can't figure out if I am really falling for him or if I'm just physically attracted to him.. and neither do I know if he's only sexually attracted to me and nothing more. I don't think I would wanna lose my virginity any sooner and I don't think he really gets it.. he probably thinks if i love him i wouldn't want him to suffer or something but that he would respect me until i'm ready. Later on he had to go to work so i he took me on a cab to the nearest public transport after grabbing a snack and said goodbye to me.

The night came and since i was by myself my thoughts were becoming so much clearer about what happened. I wasn't uncomfortable at the moment of giving handjobs but when I think about it I wasn't too fond of the idea of me always doing such a thing. but I was worried if he was simply using me or manipulating me without realizing. He always wants to see me sooner and texts or calls to tell me he misses me but I don't know if he really means it. He said he would never ever lie to me but with him being so rushed with me I just don't know how I'm really feeling. So I called it up and told him that I really don't wanna speed things up, and I asked him if he could go slow. Now that I think about it he had quite a mean response by saying he'll think about it, then later he tells me that I should go date other guys and eventually I'll come back to him and apologize because he claims he's the nicest gentleman out there, and if I have these issues with being uncomfortable then he thinks I'm gay.

Afterwards he asked me to meet him another day because I had to return his taxi money to him, and that was the day when he started behaving like the phone call fights never existed and became so gentle with me. He would hold my hand and hug me, asked me where I would like to go and he would take me there, took me to eat at a place of my choice. Then after all that he wanted me to go to his home. I refused at first so we sat by the harbor but it started getting rainy and I so I went up to his place stating that I wasn't gonna do anything sexual. He was like fine we'll just hug. Then when we were hugging I asked if I could stop seeing him for awhile and he said if I wanted to see him I can call him. Before I left though he was like "since this is the last time I'm gonna see you" he made out with me again and I also had my top off and he made it like it was a one last thing or whatever, and because every time we make out he would get really turned on I had to give him hand jobs.

After that night I stopped seeing him and then a few days later he calls me up being all sad and tells me he really needs to see me and needs me. I have no idea what sort of mentality I had at the time or how I felt about him, but I thought that I was attracted to him and that I cared about him, so I went to meet him.

I think up to this part you'll get the idea that every time I decide to stop something he'll text back and say that he misses me or whatever so that I would see him again. And once I see him he would act really nice to me causing me to second guess what really went on and give in and be confused with my feelings, thinking that I really cared about him, and at the end proceeding with being physical (because that was his definition of showing that i care), and eventually making out, him sucking my breasts, and me having to give him multiple handjobs. Sometimes I thought it was just because I wouldn't give in with being more physical with him that was causing all the issues, and at one point I proceeded with keeping the making out, breast kissing and hand jobs so it could keep the relationship going with him because I thought it was going to work and he was gonna be nice to me and like me or appreciate me. I didn't know what I was doing... the only thing I knew was that I wasn't gonna be ready to have vaginal sex anytime soon, and every time I mention it he would either say "I'll wait for as long as it takes because I love you" or constantly pressuring me for more when we get physical, such as wanting me to give him a blow job, hinting that he wants to kiss me down there, or all other actions trying to push me further. Those were the moments when I thought I was being pushed and pressured and it made me feel frustrated and sad with where things were going. My pants were never off whenever I make out with him, he would sometimes only be in his boxers on or have nothing on (his genitals wouldn't touch me when it's off though-it's for the hand jobs), and I would always wash my hands after I give him hand jobs with baby oil (without condoms-am I at risk?) Then after three weeks since the first date with him, with meeting him a few times per week (I never stayed over), one time he pushed too far: He was hugging me and making out with me then suddenly, with his boxers on, he put his genitals on top on my genital area(I had my pants and panties on). I told him it was very uncomfortable and that he was hurting my thighs and then he stood up and looked unhappy. He just lied next to me and told me that I was either gay or I love him or I don't love him or whatever. Then he was silent. That's when I felt so overwhelmed by all my emotions and felt like I was being used again, and burst out crying. of course he asked me whats wrong, so i explained that I felt like he's rushing me to do things I'm not ready to do, and I said I know he says he's waiting for me and all but he's gonna get bored of waiting at one point. Then he actually admitted and said "you're right". He then also said he thinks I'm obviously in pain and not happy to continue it with him because I'm not sleeping with him. He said all the women he met would sleep with him within a few dates, and because I didn't he made me feel like I had an issue. So he said we'll just be friends and he would start seeing other people, and if he's not what makes me happy then I should go find someone else. After all these hurting words to me he said he wanted me to give him a handjob, I was still crying and I was hurt, so I did what he wanted. That was the last time I was ever did anything physical with him.

I'm not confused about my own sexual orientation at all because I know that I'm straight. I never thought that just because I was uncomfortable and had a lot more boundaries than other people I was gay. The only thing that hurt me was that he made me feel like I had a problem for not choosing to sleep with him. And I was starting to believe that it was my issue that I wasn't sexually comfortable and that I would never meet anyone like me who would have such boundaries.

A few weeks after that we met up a few times for a few movies and he would try to kiss me and all, but I would refuse to go to his home or let him kiss me making it clear that we were friends. I have not seen him anymore since the few movie outings, and have not spoken to him since last month. Right now i can honestly think very logically about things that have happened and realize all that he did was try to sweet talk me into giving in and doing the sexual things he wanted me to do. I know better now since meeting such a douche bag like him pretending to be a gentlemen, and I know more as to how I should protect myself and stand on my own ground. I'm certainly clear what sort of sexual boundaries I have now, and that I'm not comfortable with doing anything below the belt. I am also very determined and set on what my morals are, and that I will wait for sex until marriage.

Considering this story, was he actually my boyfriend at all?

Now this is where I can explain why I'm still feeling hurt. These are my concerns:
- Ever since I started making out, letting someone kiss my breast, and give him hand jobs, I've been constantly feeling guilty of doing such sexual acts, and I feel like it is my fault that I have letted such things happen, as if I've sinned.(I'm not particularly religious) My parents have never done any sex talk with me, but they never gave me the idea that sex was a bad thing, I think this is a slight thought I have in my system. Sometimes when I think about sex I would feel as if I'm not pure enough, and especially with this past experience with him it made me feel like I'm a dirty person for giving hand jobs. And sometimes I also feel used. It's like there's this scar in my experience of meeting him and making me feeling very ashamed of what I've done. I know that I am not going to regret the experience of meeting such a mean person because it has taught me so much as to how I should be clear with my boundaries and always make sure that I think before I act, but at the same time I'm really ashamed of myself that it happened.
- Another issue would be that I have anxiety problems and over think a lot, so every time I try to analyze what happened sexually I would feel like as if I'm no longer a virgin or went further as to having sex with him or doing things that I can't remember. If I think about it clearly though, I've never been drunk or unconscious, so there is no way I can't remember what happened. I also have a great fear with getting pregnant or having STDs (I'm worried with STDs just from the hand jobs and making out), so I really don't think I slept with him at all, let alone do any oral sex. If I was kissing him i would've only kissed his nipples and the furthest would be down his stomach and never lower. Especially knowing that the reason we stopped seeing each other was because I DIDN'T sleep with him, I know for a fact that there was no way I could've done anything oral, vaginal, or anal. The ONLY thing I did was let him kiss my nipples and breasts, make out with deep kissing, and give him handjobs. Yet I just have anxiety of not being sure if I ever took my pants off or not. I think constantly trying to analyze what happened was making me very nervous and being imaginative of what didn't happen as well. Oh and, with what I've done, (top off, handjobs, and make out) am I still a 100% virgin?
- Now that I want to save myself for sex after marriage, another concern would also be thinking that I'm not pure enough for my future hubby because I've done the many hand jobs in those weeks. I feel like making out was fine, but doing the below the belt thing made me feel dirty, and I'm scared I'm not good enough for my future husband. Recently I started speaking to this boy that we shared mutual feelings for each other(he is my age), and it made me wonder if I ever date him, and he turns out to be a virgin as well, would what I've done before make him think less of me and make matters worst between my relationship with him?
- Let's just make a case scenario and say if I do date him, should I ever speak of this experience to be open and honest, or is it not worth mentioning at all. And what if he asks me about what I've done sexually? I don't know what is a good idea to communicate between such intimate topics and what I should say, since I'm very ashamed of what happened. What would you do? Or let's just say it's not this certain person, but any guys that I'm gonna meet in the future, how do I let go of my concerns?

These last four bullet points are the main worries I currently hold due to what happened in those three weeks last year, and honestly it's been sort of daunting and always frustrating me. I hope anyone who sees this can help me out, if possible. I would really appreciate it.

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Robin Lee
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Hi shandi,

Oh boy, there's a lot here. If I don't get to all of it in this post, let me know if there's something specific you'd like to talk about and we can discuss it.

First of all, I'm sorry you had such a lousy experience. Reading what you've written here, it definitely sounds to me like this guy had you figured out and knew how to push your buttons to get what he wanted. That's not your fault. It's on him that he would manipulate the things you said and try to make you feel bad, not on you.

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of guilt over this. You're not a bad person for this. None of us is born knowing exactly what our boundaries are, or what we want, and sometimes we only learn that through experience, both good and bad. I'm not saying this to tell you to stop feeling guilty; it's usually not possible to just turn feelings off like turning off a light switch. I wonder, though, what you need to forgive yourself for this?

You asked about virginity. Virginity means something different to different people. Most people define it as not having had vaginal intercourse before. Is that how you define it?

No one can say what the person you've been talking to recently would think about your previous sexual experience, but you are under no obligation to share this information with him. That is, if you want to tell him, and see how he reacts, that's fine, but you don't owe him any explanations. If you and he were talking about previous sexual experiences, you'd have to figure out whether you prefer to be honest with him. You're the only person who can know whether that's right for you.

It sounds like you've been carrying this around inside for a long time. Have you been able to tell anyone else about it apart from writing about it here at Scarleteen?

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Robin

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shandi
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Hello Robin,

Considering my experience with this person, and him constantly making sexual activity a center of the three week relationship, was he my boyfriend?

No, I've not been able to tell anyone else apart from writing it here, and it's been very difficult holding it in my own thoughts. I'm not sure what you mean by "what i need to forgive myself for this?", but I just feel guilty as in I shouldn't have had any sexual contact because I didn't know him well enough, and it makes me guilty, as if the next person I date knowing about what I've done (which probably isn't the biggest deal comparing to what could've happened), would think I am dirty and not pure because I have had sexual contact and not saved myself for everything after marriage, and like I wouldn't be good enough for my future husband.

I understand that in the modern days virginity is define as not doing anything vaginal. I haven't done anything vaginal, anal, or even oral so I know that I am a virgin. But sometimes (like i said in the first post) I get very anxious and feel dirty as if I'm not a virgin anymore. I keep thinking maybe I've already had sex or something but I know I couldn't have because it's impossible that I would "not remember" since I've never been under any influence or drugs or alcohol, and I've always had a fear or pregnancy and STD so I don't think I would've let anything vaginal or oral happened. But alas, do you think this is my worries causing me to over think my actions and thus feeling like I've done it when I haven't?

Apart from feeling ashamed, guilty, and emotionally torn, for the past five months I've been very worried about having the possibility of getting STDs from the mentioned activities of giving hand jobs without condom, deep kisses, and nipple sucking. I'm very very worried, I know I don't have any symptoms, but I'm so afraid of getting anything because STDs can be present even if no symptoms show.

Also, I've read on a lot of sites that if you are a virgin but have had sexual contact then you're at risk?! When they say sexual contact, they are referring to skin-to-skin contact right? My question is, what exactly is skin to skin contact? Like genital skin to genital skin contact, or is the skin of hands to genital contact also one of them (like the hand jobs I've done.) I've tried reading through tons of internet researching but still I'm very worried and don't know if I can be sure that I don't have an STD. I also don't know how expensive it would be to do an STD test so I have many concerns regarding this topic apart from my emotions bugging me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It, personally, sounds to me like he was your abusive boyfriend.

In other words, this person was working awfully hard at coercing you into sex, which, clearly, they were unfortunately good at.

But that's not on you: that's on this person.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One extra thing?

Whoever it is you choose to marry, should you make that choice, I'd hope you'd be picking someone wonderful. And someone wonderful? Doesn't think of people as "dirty" or "not pure" for any reason.

In other words, all of that stuff you're worrying about? I just don't think you need to. Because if you pick a great person to marry -- which I'd hope you would, for so many reasons -- this just won't be an issue.

If you choose to marry a jerk, or someone who doesn't have care and real respect for you? Then it might be. But then this will be far from your only problem, so I'd advise against that, period. Then, that person wouldn't be good enough for YOU, or anyone for that matter, if you ask me. Know what I mean?

[ 05-19-2013, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Patricia H
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Hello shandi, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Before I continue, I just wanted to tell you that I had a very similar experience when I was 19 as well. He, too, was much older than I, although I have no idea if he was 25 years older; but he was definitely my first sexual partner, and not exactly a great one.

Prior to meeting him, I too, held onto this notion of virginity and not having sex before marriage. I did not even know how to kiss, much less give someone a handjob. They were notions instilled upon me by my parents, who also did not exactly take the time to sit down with me to talk about sex. Sex was simply something considered shameful and dirty, and not for pure girls to understand until after marriage, where it sounded like all the answers to life's questions will come to them as wives.

Unlike you, I went ahead and had vaginal intercourse with him (with protection, of course), not knowing what to expect. I had foolishly thought that it was something to "get over with." However, looking back, I have no regrets; like you, I honestly felt that I needed to commit such an act to understand and learn from my mistakes. I, too, felt immense guilt after having intercourse with him, especially since it was also quite unpleasant, as I was nervous and inexperienced. I remember the weeks following the incident feeling incredibly depressed, guilty, and unable to reach out to anyone about what had happened to me; I definitely couldn't tell my parents what I had done, for fear they would disown me or something equally horrific. I had even stuck a mirror down between my thighs in the bathroom one morning, and promptly fainted onto the cold tile floor when I saw that my hymen was no longer there.

That being said, that was also around the time when I discovered Scarleteen. I looked up and read their articles on virginity, simply because the concept of virginity was killing me--I couldn't continue living with the idea that I was now tainted goods and not worthy of any man in the future, that I had to marry this guy I lost my virginity to, because it was the right thing to do. This was one of the articles I read:

Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

I also went to the local library and borrowed Hanne Blank's book, Virgin: The Untouched History. You can read Scarleteen's interview with the author here:

20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank

Needless to say, what started off as a tweaking and challenging of a long-held old belief about virginity as indoctrinated into me by my parents led to a whole new way of thinking, seeing, understanding, and ultimately, self empowerment regarding sexuality and sex. Mind you, this took time; for me, it took roughly eight months of sitting with my own unpleasant troubles and looking within myself for answers. I no longer feel the same way about virginity and marriage and sex and myself as I once used to when I was 19 the day after I first began my sexual debut with that guy. In fact, I feel pretty damn fabulous right now, five years later.

I never considered that guy to be my boyfriend, even if the things we did would have been considered to be boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. Like it did for you, things just didn't feel right with me, and I couldn't be myself around him. It was purely an instinctual feeling. I will always look back on him as a summer fling, or more correctly, simply my first sexual encounter.

I too, had fears of pregnancy and STDs from the sexual things I did with him. If anything, it taught me really fast where to locate the nearest STD health clinic, and to put money aside for STD tests, condoms, pregnancy tests, and plan B. I took (and still take) comfort in being prepared. I also took the time to read up on and become knowledgeable about STD risks, what each of them were, medications, etc. This was a period of time where I went to get tested religiously, and I always brought in a list of questions and stuff I didn't understand to ask the doctor. I also found myself a gynecologist to schedule Pap smears with.

As for saving myself for after marriage, I think that after reading those articles about virginity and few others more (I was perusing the website and can't remember specific articles I read), I no longer felt the need to do so. My reasoning was that saving myself for after marriage does me no favors personally, especially since because I actively chose to want to live a rich and rewarding life, which, I won't lie about this, included wanting to have multiple lovers. Maybe not all at the same time (or on second thought, why not?!), but definitely at different times in my life. And that just wasn't going to sit well with the after marriage thing. But that's just me.

So, shandi, I hear you. In many ways, even if they weren't in exact ways, I was there where you were not so long ago. And if nothing else, I just want to tell you that everything's going to be okay in the long run. None of this is going to make you a bad person by default, and I'm glad that you found Scarleteen to share your troubles with. If I may suggest, that you be kind to yourself during this period; you may even find, at some point, that the beliefs and views that you currently hold will one day change and turn into something that better suits how you really feel. I hope this helps. Good luck.

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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shandi
Neophyte
Member # 100642

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Hello,

Patricia, thanks for sharing your story with me. I will proceed to read the links you've given me, and I'll try to slowly understand my guilt and relieve it as to taking it all as a lesson learned. After all, I know that I haven't done everything with this person sexually so I did keep my main boundary. It's just that I wasn't exposed to knowing all types of other sexual contact, causing me to have to experience in giving hand jobs without having too much understanding of my own feelings as to setting a further boundary of what makes me comfortable and what doesn't.

Meanwhile as I try to relieve my thoughts, I do know that in the back of my head I'm still VERY concerned about STDs/STIs. I've been told that there really isn't a need to go get checked for STIs because my sexual contacts were lower risk activities. My sexual contacts were giving hand jobs, making out(deep kisses/french kisses), him sucking my nipples, and me having to kiss his nipples and up to his navel while giving the hand jobs(and never lower than belt), and him touching my genital area while I have panties(with liners) and pants on. There were all done within a three week period five months ago.

My biggest concern is that assuming his words were not trustworthy at all, I don't actually know his STD backgrounds or anything, and I'm very worried with anything that I could've been infected with the above activities. My biggest question would be, I know I probably don't really need to go get checked, but is there a NEED to do so, since I haven't done anything vaginal,oral, anal? I want to be responsible and be safe about my own health without having to possibly find out a few years later. And I know that i'm not 100% safe because I did touch his genital area, even if it was with my hands. Would it be safer to go get checked, and if so, what do I need to take caution of?

One last thing- I've had lip ulcers before, and it also happened when i started seeing him, and I also started to have one today. Is a lip ulcer/cold sore a type of STD? Would that mean I have herpes, and does it mean I will be be tested positive if I go get checked for STIs? I'm starting to freak out as well just thinking about this

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shandi
Neophyte
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I'm still very concerned as to whether if I have STDs or not...
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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To find that out, shandi, you'll need to get tested. It's really up to you to decide if that's something you want to do and feel you need to do for your own peace of mind.

[ 05-23-2013, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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And to find out which activities do and don't pose STI (or pregnancy) risks, you can have a look at this: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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shandi
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Thank you Heather, I've already read the given link before. I'm confused as to what it says about "manual sex" though. Since I didn't get fingered at all, I only gave him handjobs, am I still at risk for all of the "Infections at possible risk of: HPV, genital warts, chlamydia, herpes simplex virus (HSV) 1 and/or 2, syphilis", or is that list more so applies only if I was fingered?

It didn't mention if there were any risks as to further kissing(making out), as well as nipple sucking and body kissing, what are the risks with those? And is "him touching my genital area while I have panties(with liners) and pants on" considered petting?

It's already been over 5 months since my three week encounter, will my STI tests be accurate, and what is it that I need to get tested for?

One last thing- I've had lip ulcers before, and it also happened when i started seeing him, and I also started to have one today. Is a lip ulcer/cold sore a type of STD? Would that mean I have herpes, and does it mean I will be be tested positive if I go get checked for STIs? I'm starting to freak out as well just thinking about this

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Robin Lee
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HI shandi,

Things like kissing on parts of the body that aren't genitals (including the nipples) aren't mentioned because those aren't risks.

The risks for giving manual sex arelow, unless you had open cuts on your hands.


Have you seen this article on STI testing:

Testing, Testing...

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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Also, here's some information on herpes.

Are coldsores herpes?

The STI Files: Herpes

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Robin

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shandi
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Is it too late if I want to go get tested? Or is it either you have it or you don't?
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Heather
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It's never too late to get tested. If you were to have an infection that just doesn't go away (like herpes, and sometimes, HPV) or still needs treating, it'll show up on tests no matter when a person contracted it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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shandi
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The more info I'm starting to read about STIs, the more freaked out I'm getting.

I realize the past few weeks I've actually been getting more pimples on my buttocks, as well as one big pimple that was below my buttocks on my right thigh that left a scar. Then sometimes my genital would just slightly itch, but I don't know if it's because I'm just thinking too much and stressing out. Then yesterday my anus started to feel pain and itch. I have not done any other sexual contact except that three week encounter 5 months ago, and they were all listed above.

If someone were to make out with me and touch my buttocks (just my buttocks) for less than a minute, could I have contracted genital herpes that way?

I'm trying to look into more STD testing clinics but I noticed most of them don't have herpes testing, especially not including type 1, what do I do?

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Robin Lee
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Hi shandi,

If they touched your buttocks, and not your anus or anywhere else on your genitals, it's really not possible that any STI can be transmitted that way.

I don't know why you're experiencing these occasional itches (yes, it could be from worrying about things and being very focused on that part of your body) but the genitals, including the anus, have a lot of nerve endings, which can react in all sorts of ways, including itching occasionally from things like clothing rubbing against them, or friction from a bowel movement.

In terms of getting herpes testing, I would suggest calling the clinics you're finding and asking them if they know where you can get herpes testing done.

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Robin

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shandi
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You mentioned the risks for manual sex being low, unless I have open cuts on my hands. I don't remember having any cuts, but I did have hangnails around my finger, and I remember them being pulled out, causing my cuticle to maybe have bled the day before or become swollen. If this is the case, and I were to give a person handjob without knowing at all whether if he had STDs or not, what are the risks, and is there a need to get tested?
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shandi
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"HPV, herpes, and other various STDs can get under your nails and live for some time since it's fairly warm and slightly moist there--the perfect environment. Even if you wash your hands the virus could be deeply embedded so far back that you cannot properly reach the full extent of it. The virus, of course, will grow a little under the nails so that it will reach outward enough to be spread into/onto various parts of your body. So, then when you put your fingers near your genitals you have put yourself at risk for the STDs and STIs that the male was carrying from his penis."

Is this true? I gave handjobs without using a condom. He doesn't ejaculate anywhere on me but my hands would touch his precum and semen/ejaculate. I would always wash my hands immediately after with soap and hot water. Then later I would use the bath room and change my liners as well, and I would use my hands directly at night time to wash my genitals in the shower. Does this mean I'm at a bigger risk of getting STDs?

May I also know how much it usually costs to test for STDs? and what should I be testing for to make sure that I'm 100% STD free?

Considering if I did not knowing someone's prior STD history, or their words were not liable, is the best way to make sure I'm free from any risks or is there really no way since I've already put myself through that risk, and I'll probably never find out that I have a certain infection if no symptoms actually show?

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Haleigh H
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Hi shandi,

I'm bummed to hear this is still weighing heavy on your mind. Where did you read the bit about STDs getting under your fingernails? Is it a trustworthy site? I think the risk would be the same as talked about before with Robin and Heather, a low risk. I don't think that it puts you at any greater risk of contracting an STD.

You said above, "I'll probably never find out that I have a certain infection if no symptoms actually show?" A lot of the most common STDs can be tested for and by getting tested you'll hopefully feel a lot more at ease.

The cost for testing varies. I'm not quite sure where you are so I think the best thing to do would be to call the clinics you have found and ask them how much they charge. You may even ask if they know of a free clinic that does STD testing. I'm in Kansas City, MO, USA and we have quite a few free clinics here.

In regards to what you should be tested for, I think the best place to start would be with the Testing, Testing page. Also, describing any symptoms you've been having to the doctor/nurse may give them an idea of what to test for as well. Another idea would be to have them test for the most common STDs.

Something to think about in the future, you and your partner may decide to go and get tested for STDs before you engage in any sexual activity. That may work to reduce some stress.

I hope this is helpful.

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Haleigh

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shandi
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Hello,

During that three week encounter I've given him about 11 handjobs, does the amount of times I've give him hand jobs increase my risks?

Also, I mentioned I have kissed his upper body, and sometimes there were kisses near the navel that was very close to his pubic hair area, and assuming I didn't know any STD history now, could I be at risk for anything of probably touching a few pubic hair to my mouth?

If I get tested for STDs and end up having no problems at all, could there still be any unknown infection in my body that I probably don't know about, or can I be complete at ease once the results tell me that they are all negative?

I ask that because I've heard somewhere about some STD test results showing false-negative and I'm worried. I've tried finding free clinics but they don't mention doing any testing for herpes HSV-type 2 at all so I don't think that's thorough enough. I found a health centre doing sexual health screenings but it's over 250USD.

I'm usually very careful with any infections and all but this encounter happened so quickly that I had no time at the moment to think about how I was going to feel after. I'm just glad I didn't do any intercourse but I still feel very ashamed of having to have sexual contact with giving him hand jobs. At one point I thought I liked this person despite how short of a time it was that i've known him and I thought hand jobs were what I had to do to continue seeing him because he keeps saying he has "needs." Now I realize it's nothing more than him putting pressure on me and I feel so ashamed for being so stupid. I've asked him if he was tested before but it was nothing more than words coming out of his mouth saying he's clean. Now that I realize how unreliable it was just judging from his words I'm very worried because it's as if I didn't even ask at all.

I've spoken to someone about wanting to get tested but she thinks it's just me being OCD about the entire situation because I'm not at any risks, but I'm so worried. I'm worried to a point sometimes where I feel like even if everything shows up negative I would still doubt the results. That's how bad I feel, and I don't know what to do. I feel hurt deep down and I just want to cry.

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hi Shandi, I'm so sorry you're feeling what you're feeling. If I can just take one small thing you've said:

quote:
can I be complete at ease once the results tell me that they are all negative?
It seems to me that this is an important part of what you're asking.

If you've asked someone else about your concerns who has dismissed your concerns because it was "just [you] being OCD". I'd say that although I'm sure they meant well, this would be pretty unhelpful. Having trouble with how we feel about our bodies, or STDs, or to struggle with obsessive or compulsive expressions of our feelings that get in the way of our happiness and everyday life is no small problem. "just OCD" implies that an emotional or mental struggle would be a lesser problem than an STD.

Many, if not most of our problems with sexuality aren't purely physical, a lot of it often is emotional and psychological... and often that is the toughest stuff. And you've had a pretty tough time of the emotional and psychological already with that abusive relationship.

I just wanted to add that, because as someone undergoing mental health treatment, I'm getting particularly vocal about folks, like the person you spoke to, being dismissive about them. I'm sorry you had to hear that!

To that actual question, feeling at ease with our choices, or stuff that happened to us and the information we have, and the ambiguity that exists before we know more about test results etc can be very difficult. But I think it's something we should be aiming for. Even if we took risks, difficult stuff happened to us, we're completely STI free, or we've caught something, it is good to aim to feel at ease about it and it's something we don't need to ask permission for. Feeling at ease doesn't mean you can't deal with future decisions or situations, or deal with an STI or deal with the ambiguity of there always being something unknown, always some small risk of something the tests missed or wouldn't detect. That stuff can be addressed, but feeling ok is for ourselves.

So yes, you can be at ease. It's not easy, and it can take time.

For me getting tested is just a matter of routine I try to do at least every year and I don't attach it much to what sex acts I've done, but the stress from scary sexual experiences can seep in. I take the precautions I'm comfortable with in new situations and make sure I'm getting tested to make sure I don't have STIs to inform my future choices but also to make sure I can get into treatment early if I need it. For other people it may be different and for you it may be the case that at this point you don't want to be having sex at all and want to test for everything you possibly can. But how you feel about it is it's own thing. You were treated pretty badly and I think you deserve everything you can give to yourself.

It's not always 'easy to feel at ease' and we might need help to get there, but we do have every right to it.

[ 05-26-2013, 05:10 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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