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Author Topic: Hurt and Embarrassed.
beaver987
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Hi Scarleteen,
I know I've been asking a lot of questions about pregnancy scares and now that I have my information, I'll make sure to refer to the posts I've made in the past. Sorry for all of the questions and scenarios. It's really nice to have an un-biased and educated opinion though.

So, as I've said in one of my last posts, i'm no longer sexually active just because of my worries and scares. Today, however, I'd like to talk a little about my relationship.

I've been going out with the same person for a little over a year and a half. We have VERY different "friend groups", but we've been friends since 6th grade.

I've noticed this a little bit before, but after last night's football game, I exploded. I've found that when he hangs out with all of his football friends and is walking to and from practice he doesn't give me a usual smile and wave like he normally would when he sees me with his other friends (that i really like and I think they like me too). I'd be walking back from cross country and we'd cross paths when he's walking back from football and would barely agnolage that i'm even there (when he's with a certain group of people).

He was on the sidelines yesterday at the varsity football game and did the same thing when I waved from the fence. He said he was pissed about the game, but it's embarrassing to hear your friends joke around and say, "You're so nice to him and are excited to watch him play and that is how he responds haha?" He told me later that they weren't allowed to have contact with any other people at the game, but it mainly just reminded me of every other time when he's in his football uniform and wouldn't dare say hi. I just get the "confused" wave from him.

Anyways, I talked to him on the phone and told him that I feel like he's embarrassed of me, becuase that's honestly how I feel. I feel like he wants to be seen with me around some people and other "football" guys that think they're super cool, he doesn't want to. I already told him that it really hurts my feelings and embarrasses me when I give him a friendly wave and he barely waves back. He's gone for the weekend and I'm really just trying to think about things. It's just really bothering me and i'm not sure how to handle it. He keeps saying that it's not me, it's our "friend groups", but my friends (even though they're much different than those guys) have always been supportive and happy for me. He just acts really different around them and then is rude to me when he is around him.

Yesterday a couple of guys from the football team saw me talking on the phone in the car before walking into school and started making fun of my boyfriend and I...when I was RIGHT there. I just feel like he's so embarrassed to be around me when he's around them becuase I'm not the same "popularity" as those guys. I have a really close group of about 20 friends, but we just don't choose to interact with all of his, becuase I think SOME of the football players just treat other people at school like crap. Any advice about this situation would help me out a lot. Thanks guys.

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Onionpie
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Hi beaver, I can totally understand why you're so upset by this. It can really make you feel awful if a partner acts differently towards you around a certain group of friends. I know just what you mean by it making you feel like he's embarrassed of you or something.

It's good to hear that you've talked to him about this -- after all, communication is pretty much always the first thing we recommend, as it's super important [Smile] Unfortunately, it sounds to me like he's not really responding to your attempts well -- it sounds like HE'S not willing to do some good solid communication around this.

So, what I'd do in this situation is sit him down when it's just the two of you and have some time to talk, and explain that his actions are really not okay and they make you feel awful. I also think that you should ask for some solid commitment to changing this, you know? Because it's NOT okay to act like that towards you, and you don't want to continue feeling like crap indefinitely. So ask that he actually commits to changing his attitude when he is with these particular friends.

If he doesn't agree to that, or if he comes up with reasons for why he shouldn't have to change his attitude, or if he talks about how he WANTS to but he just CAN'T, then I'm afraid this guy doesn't sound like such good news. It is, of course, up to you to decide what your dealbreakers are, and if this is one of them.

But I'd say that, if he's not willing to take your feelings into consideration here and actually listen to what you want and need here and try to work with that, then it's kind of a sign that he isn't respecting your feelings as important, you know? People need to have their feelings considered in a relationship, and if this is hurting you, a partner really needs to respect that and do something about it.

BUT, that's something to consider maybe after sitting him down and asking for some seriousness in changing the way he behaves around you, and seeing how he reacts to that. Do you think you can have that conversation with him?

[ 09-08-2012, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beaver987
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I guess we've sort of discussed it when we were talking about it, and he said he'd change and that he'd try really hard to. I'm just not sure what "try" means.
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Onionpie
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Okay, well it's good to hear you had talked to him about stopping the behaviour at the time. Did you ask him what he meant by "trying" -- maybe asking what he'd be doing about his behaviour? I don't think it should really be too hard and doesn't take much "trying" to stop treating you differently around a certain set of friends since it's obvious he has control over the behaviour to be acting that way at only a certain time, but you could ask him about what specific stuff he's going to do -- like for example if they make a mean joke about you (whether you're around or not), he stands up for you and tells them not to make jokes about you anymore, he will acknowledge your waves and other greetings with a wave in return, that kind of thing.

If you're not comfortable with it, though, you don't have to be -- if you feel that you don't want to wait around for him to "try" changing his behaviour (again, honestly, it should not be too hard) that is absolutely a decision you get to make, and one I'd totally understand. So if you feel that you'd rather not wait around for that change, you could call this a strict dealbreaker and break off the relationship.

How are you feeling about this? Do you think you want to wait to see if he does change his behaviour the next time you're around these friends, or are you leaning more towards stepping away from the relationship?

[ 09-08-2012, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beaver987
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I'd really like him to change. He's been one of my best friends for 6 years (dating for a year and a half) and in high school we kept a really good friendship, but we moved towards different friends. Some of his I love, but the football guys...not so much.

I don't want to break it off at all, but I just want him to stop doing it. I just feel like there's something wrong with me whenever he decides to do that. We've always been able to talk through (and REALLY talk through---we have a good communication system even when one of us is really mad) and get through situations in the past.

I guess I've just never realized him doing it until now. I've always kind of taken it as a joke or that he might be "crabby" in the past until I really sat down last night to think about it.

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Onionpie
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Okay, so it sounds like you don't want to break things off with him for now. And I understand that you just want him to stop doing it, and I also definitely get why you're not fond of these friends.

Do you think you'd also like to ask him if you could spend less time around those friends? He gets to decide who he hangs out with, but so do you -- you don't have to hang out with them if you don't want to. So if you want, you could request that he hang out with you and those friends separately, since you don't enjoy their company.

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beaver987
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I don't hang around with those football friends personally...i'll just see my boyfriend and them walking and he won't give me the warmest "hey". I've never really talked to those friends (which i'm definitely not planning on it...consider they make fun of me (or make fun of him becuase of our relationship).

The friends of his i DO like are super nice and fun to be around.

I wish I could ask him not to be friends with them, but at the same time I feel like I would be too controlling to say who he can and can't hang out with. They're such rude people who just continue to make fun of people that aren't as "good" as them. But again, I feel like I can't ask him not to be friends with him becuase his friends that I like don't play football (Those are his FOOTBALL friends)...

Basically my goal is for them to stop making fun of me (and him...which is why I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to agnolage me) and for him to not be worried to say Hi to me when he's around them.

I don't want to have to end anything, just becuase he's a great listener and has ALWAYS been there for me (even when I get mad at him or he gets mad at me, if something happens I'll call him and he'll help me out every time). But this is a huge problem and I don't want to continue to feel bad about myself. He's always telling me that I need to work on my self esteem (becuase I don't have a high one), but it seems like I'm finding out that he's also contributing (this subject) to why I don't have a high self esteem.

I just feel like I deserve to have somebody that's proud of me as a person ALL of the time and not wanting to show it all BUT in front of his football buddies. You know?

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Onionpie
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Yep, I definitely know what you mean [Smile] And you SHOULD be able to feel good about yourself and not feel ignored or like he's embarrassed about you around certain friends. And I do think that this is a big problem.

It seems like these friends are just all-around assholes, if you'll excuse my language [Razz] And unfortunately, you're right that you shouldn't really ask him to just stop being friends with them, as he gets to decide who his friends are. HOWEVER, you can still let him know that you don't like the way they treat you and other people and you think that they're a bad influence or just not good people to be around. Then it's up to him whether he agrees with you or not, so he can decide for himself whether he really wants to hang out with people like that or not.

Okay, so it sounds like something that he needs to do is to really strongly stand up for you and for himself when they start to make fun of you. Have you expressed that that's something you need him to do? Is that something he's said he is going to start doing?

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beaver987
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Haha that's the word I would use to describe them too... [Smile]

And yes, I've had a problem with one in particular before and he says that he's always stood up for me with that one.

I'll definitely tell him that he needs to with the others as well becuase it's just not okay. I think he gets a bunch of crap for it as well so now instead of standing up for me (and himself) he just resorts to not saying anything to me and letting them joke around about it (and just ignoring it...therefore ignoring me..which again, is embarrassing when I've always said hi to him in front of my friends and would ALWAYS stand up for him if they'd ever say or tell me mis-information. I just don't get why that's so hard on his part to do the same for me)

I'll definitely be asking him about making sure that he stands up for me and stands up for himself (even if they say they're "joking"). I'm really just sick of it at this point. I've also talked to him about how some of them are just plain rude and mean to other (quieter) people and he has always just said "They're not that bad. They don't talk about people all of the time. And they're really funny."

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Onionpie
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Hey beaver, sorry I didn't get back to you for a while, I'd been out all day.

You know, maybe you could ask him why he IS friends with these people? If they are constantly making nasty jokes at him, and also ones about you when they're around him, it doesn't seem like they'd really be making HIM feel good, either, you know? You can ask him candidly what he thinks he's getting out of that friendship.

And if he says they're "not that bad" -- well, yes they are. Plain as that. You've interacted with them, so you KNOW -- it doesn't matter if they're not ALWAYS talking about people, when they are they're nasty, and that is not good. And you know, there are funny people out there who aren't assholes. In fact, in my personal opinion, the people who AREN'T assholes are funnier because their humour is way less likely to rely on just being rude about people. And I think being rude about people is a pretty unimaginative way of being "funny".

So ask him why he puts up with them being nasty towards him, because he must feel it's worth it for some reason. Ask him if that reason is really worth the crap they give him. If he thinks so well, then, that's his decision to make -- but he just has to make sure to stand up to it from now on, so it's not passed off onto you anymore.

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