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beaver987
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Question,

my boyfriend and I were messing around in the shower today. We tried our best to keep our "parts" as far away from each other as possible. There were 2 times where his penis touched my theigh (not inner and not way-outer...but more towards the outside). Is there any way that I can be pregnant with the water rushing? He didn't ejaculate, but I'm just wondering about it. I'm getting a little nervous even though people have been saying that the water would rush down my leg and couldn't be taking 90 degree turns...haha. Thanks for helping!

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Robin Lee
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The same things that pose pregnancy risks on dry land pose risks when water is involved. Likewise, the same things that don't pose risks on dry land don't pose risks when water is involved.

Based on what is considered a pregnancy risk (for a refresher check here Where did that sheet go? do you think this posed a risk?

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beaver987
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So even with the water, it couldn't have moved sperm or semen (if there even was any) into my vagina? (considering he didn't touch my vagina with his at all)--it just touched my middle-outer theigh, correct?

Also, why is it the same for dry land and water?

I'd really just like to make sure that this wasn't a pregnancy risk. I get really worked up and nervous about these things. I'm thinking it might be a good time to settle down and not participate in that kind of stuff anymore. Is anxiety or nervousness from not being ready or is it also for people that are and just have that type of personality or have anxiety?

I'm on the pill as well, but I don't like to create other pregnancy risks and have to depend on it.

[ 08-29-2012, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: beaver987 ]

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Robin Lee
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Anxiety can be rooted in all sorts of things, but one of the most effective ways to manage anxiety is, when possible, to remove or reduce what triggers that anxiety. If you do think that you have general anxiety that is affecting your life, then it's worth talking to a doctor or a therapist about that.

Pregnancy risks are the same for dry land and water because there are only a certain number of things that can potentially create pregnancy. The elements needed are the same whether we're swimming in a pool, sitting on the couch, riding on the train, standing in the shower, or wherever we happen to be. Those things include penis, vulva and vagina, ovum (egg), semen, and other hormonal factors.

With what you describe, only one of those elements was present: your partner's penis. Does this make sense?

If this is causing you a lot of anxiety, it sounds like it would be worth it for you to talk with your boyfriend about only doing things that make both of you 100% comfortable. Would you like to talk about that some more--what you would be more comfortable with and how to talk to your boyfriend about it? It's up to you.

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Robin

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beaver987
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And his penis on touching my leg isn't a pregnancy risk even with water from the shower that could transport it? Or that isn't even a factor?

And I'd actually really like to talk about that. I know he loves the activities that we do (oral, manual) and doesn't worry about them at all. Me, on the other hand, is constantly worried. I always seem to stretch the story in my head to a point that poses a pregnancy risk. I know he gets mad because I get mad when he tries to explain how there couldn't have been a pregnancy risk. I just don't listen to what other people have to say and get myself really worked up.

I absolutely love and feel really close to him with the activities that we're involved in, but I can't help but think of some way there could have been a pregnancy and think really hard about it. I wish I could do the things without worrying, but can't and I have no idea how to get over it or minimize it.

Thanks so much for your help, Robin. I REALLY appreciate it for you helping me figure these things out.

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Laurel222
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I had the same thing happen, except his penis touched my hip. If there happened to be precum on it would there be a pregnancy risk?
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Onionpie
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Hi beaver987. Since it sounds like this is causing you so much anxiety, I would, as Robin did, suggest you really consider holding off on sexual activity for now. We really recommend that you only participate in things that you are 100% comfortable with, and if you're worrying this much, I'd say you're probably not at that point yet.
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Onionpie
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Laurel222: Have you seen this yet? http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/28/t/007116.html
That link has all the information you need to figure out whether the situation you were in causes a pregnancy risk or not.

We also ask that users make new posts for their questions, so that we can more easily answer you and keep track of your posts [Smile] So please read that link, and then if you have any other questions, feel free to make a new thread and ask.
Thanks!

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beaver987
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I really would like to hold off for a while. Today we got together and were just making out on the couch (not intending on doing anything). And of course, we get into it and the same thing happens. I think at the beginning that I'm not going to worry about anything, but I do afterward.

Some of his precum got onto my hand (sticky) and while he was fingering me, I grabbed his hand with my sticky hand and that same hand went inside me a few seconds afterward. Would this be considered a time where it could create a pregnancy risk (with not dripping precum, but possibly some...i'm not sure if I rubbed his arm or hand). Also, is semen and precum the same thing?

I guess I'm just asking for suggestions on how to stop. I get so caught up in the moment and think I won't worry afterwards. I know he really enjoys doing these things so I feel like I can't trust that he's going to stop me if I say i'll be fine with it that time. Please help me...I just don't know how to settle everything down. I want to be able to hang out and makeout without things going further.

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beaver987
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Also, for pre-cum to not contain sperm or be very unlikely that it would contain sperm, does that mean that men would have to pee after an erection (like giving a handjob, but they don't ejaculate) or simply after ejaculating?
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Robin Lee
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You know...you can absolutely say to your boyfriend what you said in your last sentence: "I want to be able to hang out and makeout without things going further."

That's really clear and concise.

I hear what you're saying about getting caught up in the moment and it may take some willpower on your part to intentionally not let yourselves get "carried away", but that is totally possible.

What I'd suggest is that you sit down with your boyfriend at a time when you're not going to be making out or anything, and have a chat. Share with him how you've been feeling. Share with him what would feel good to you. See what he has to say; see if the two of you can come up with something that works for both of you. Remember that your comfort is just as important as what he wants. Sexual activities need to feel good afterwards as well as during, and I'd venture to say with all this worrying that you're not feeling so good.

I think you might find these two articles helpful:

Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

What do you think of what I've said here, plus what's in the articles?

As for pre-ejaculate and semen, they are different. What you're asking about doesn't pose a risk.

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Robin

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beaver987
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Thanks so much, Robin. I'll take a look at the articles. I GREATLY appreciate your help!
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beaver987
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Well,
This was the first night we've hung out and not done anything. It's also the first time in a long time where he left and I wasn't worried one bit. It was actually rally nice to just get to hang out, talk, and not have all of the other stuff.

I'm not sure if I wasn't ready for everything? That I feel like no matter how hard we wash hands after each thing, I always think so hard of ways I could have gotten pregnant. I feel ready, but things like that are constantly going through my head after we've done even the smallest thing.

I'm glad we're actually taking a break from everything and it's nice to be able to hang out, talk, and spend good time together.

I guess I honestly don't know if I'll ever be ready for anything until I'm married and ready to have a child...where I don't have to worry so much about the "what ifs". I'm just not sure how to deal with it all.

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

I'm so glad to hear you had a nice time. Enjoy taking the time to get to know each other in other ways.

How do you feel about the idea that you might not be ready for sexual activity unless or until you're ready to have a child?

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Robin

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soccer06
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[ 09-03-2012, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: soccer06 ]

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beaver987
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I just really don't like it. I liked being able to be close with each other and do those types of things, but I can't stop my worrying no matter what we did.

I guess I also just feel like I should be doing it becuase I know he wants to. I know he gets pressured or gets jokes about it from his friends, and even though he always tells me to wait if I'm not ready to or that we don't even need to do those things in our relationship, I know he really still wants to.

I feel like we haven't had a good conversation about it, becuase whenever I bring it up and explain to him why, the only thing he ever responds with is "we don't have to do that. We can stop" and never explains his point of view. I guess I already know it though. He just says that he knows and I should know I can't get pregnant from this and feels like I don't listen to anybody telling me the facts and that I always look for reasons that I could be rather than good things out of it.

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Heather
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I'm seeing a few things to talk about here.

For starters, what do you think YOU need to feel okay about this contact without worrying? Just so you can perhaps work on or seek out what you need to to get there eventually, since it sounds like something you want for yourself, too.

Per his friends, I'd say that peer pressure is a pretty awful motivation for sex or reason to have any kind of sex. His friends aren't the ones involved, after all: this is only about the two of you. Plus, most of us can stand up to jibing about things we don't want to do. For example, I took vegetarianism really seriously in high school, but had loads of folks trying to talk me out of it, teasing me about it. But it was important to me, so I stuck with it. Had I dropped it just because of friends being jerks, I would have felt pretty lousy about myself, you know?

Has he voiced that he can't take those pressures, or is this about you projecting a worry you're having about them onto him?

In terms of not having a good conversation, have you had a talk about THAT? In other words, have you said, "Hey, I feel like we haven't had the kind of conversations I'd like us to, and need, around sexual stuff. can I tel you what I'm hoping for and see if we can't give it a try?"

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beaver987
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For me to stop worrying COMPLETELY would be obviously to avoind any sexual contact. I would hope that I would be able to not worry and I would feel most comfortable if we really focused on one person at a time and washed hands (both of us) after every time. That way, I'd know that nothing could have happened. We seem to get caught up because i'd be giving him a blowjob--get something on my hands, and then he'd give me manual sex. Everytime I would just worry about the transfer of precum whether it could have come in contact with another body part (my hand to his hand to my vagina)or not.

He's never voiced his opinion of not being able to handle it. He always says that he can. I guess I just feel kind of bad sometimes. Almost that I owe him this since he has been so nice, patient, and willing to wait.

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Heather
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Maybe let's try this instead: I was really asking more big picture, less right now.

In other words, in time, what do you think will make you feel more comfortable in terms of pregnancy worries with sexual activities you want to engage in later?

(Better? [Smile] )

Sex isn't something we owe someone else. I mean, sure, people can think of it that way, as something to give in trade for something else, but then we're talking more about prostitution/sex work than about the kinds of sex people have expressly to try and share something together as an experience in and of itself.

I also bet your partner probably wouldn't be too keen on you having sex with him because it's something you feel you owe him as a reward for being nice and kind. rather, he probably views being a generally good person to you as being about him being a generally good person, not as a way he is to try and earn sex, you know?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beaver987
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I guess just the fact that i'll be older and in college where sex isn't as frowned upon. In high school I feel like everybody thinks teenagers are young, dumb, and shouldn't be participating in these activities. I guess I just feel like in college it wouldn't be as big of a deal because it seems like it's just kind of the "norm" and if it's the norm, I wouldn't worry as much about pregnancy. I'm just so worried about how pregnancy in high school is so bad, so I get so worked up about the possibility.
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Heather
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Okay!

That sounds like a really clear benchmark to me. I'm not sure being of a cohort where sex seems more socially acceptable probably will take care of all these concerns, but I can certainly understand how being in a group or phase of life where you have more acceptance can make a big difference.

So, knowing this about yourself, are you comfortable just letting your boyfriend know this is where you stand for now? Maybe talking some to figure out what kinds of physical affection you are and aren't okay with you until you get a few more years on you?

[ 09-03-2012, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beaver987
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Yeah,I'll make sure to talk to him about it. Do you think this is a logical reason for me to be more worried about pregnancy in high school? Would you assume that that is why I get so nervous? Becuase it's frowned upon for people in high school to be pregnant, so I'm terrified of being that person?
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Heather
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I think that when it comes to things we're worried about, logic is usually only part of the picture. And that logical or not, when we're worried, we're worried. And we can't usually logic-away feelings that aren't about logic.

In other words, how you feel about this doesn't have to be logical.

That said, if and when someone IS earnestly taking risks of pregnancy, are those often much harder to manage when you're in high school versus college? For a whole lot of people, totally. Is it often tougher to manage a pregnancy or, if someone chooses to or has no choice but to stay pregnant and parent, harder to manage that in your teens than just a few years later? Most often, yes. Are teens who are sexually active or who become pregnant usually treated more poorly around those things than people in college? Again, yes. So, these assumptions or observations certainly aren't off-base.

I'd not assume why anyone feels fears about pregnancy, because the why of those fears really runs the gamut. Some folks are worried about what you are. Others worry about getting kicked out of the house. Others worry about not being able to live their lives the way they want to per timing with kids, or know they simply never want to become pregnant or parent, period, ever. Others are afraid of the physical changes of pregnancy. And those few things are just a tiny list of a way larger list of all the reasons people can feel afraid, or not want to be pregnant at a given time.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beaver987
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So there really is no way to "cure" me of my worries? It'll just have to come with time?
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Heather
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Well, if you can identify what you need around them and to help with them, then this can change, for sure.

You've identified one thing already: right now, you simply are not comfortable being sexual in high school, for a whole bunch of reasons. Maybe that'll stick, maybe it'll change, and maybe you will figure out more things you need along the way.

For instance, I also imagine that feeling like you owe someone sex because their friends are giving them crap can't help. It's hard to feel okay with and relaxed about any kind of sex or intimacy with things like that in the mix.

Maybe, too, you might need to get better educated on what does or doesn't pose a risk of pregnancy, if you're not sure, and either stick to things that absolutely don't for a while, or add more safeties to those that might, even if those risks are small.

Maybe you also need a partner who can empathize a little better about how scary a potential pregnancy can be to the person who could actually themselves become pregnant?

But I can certainly see a lot of reasons just so far why you're not feeling comfortable here, at this time, in this situation.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I had also forgotten about all your previous posts. Ooof. Let's just say that with everything that's in this mix, I'd be surprised if you WERE feeling okay about it at this point. That's a whole lot of stuff you've got tacked onto all of this, you know?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beaver987
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Yeah, and I think waiting will help me figure out later what I'm okay with and what i'm not...and hey, dates are fun too!
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Heather
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I can see that.

And for sure they are! So is all kinds of ways of being physically affectionate or even specifically sexual -- like phone sex, for instance, mutual masturbation, or clothed massage -- that don't involve any chance of any genital-to-genital contact at all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beaver987
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Yeah, I think I'll have to maybe try some different things.

I have a quick question about fingering. I know that you guys say that sperm/precum can't be transfered by hands, but is there ever a time that it could be a pregnancy risk? I guess I just don't understand how even if the pre-cum is still sticky (but have been on hands for a few minutes) cannot be viable anymore? I'm not planning on doing that for a while, but I'd just like to get my facts straight.

Also, is clear discharge on the pill normal? I always seem to asociate this type with the type when you're ovulating so I'm nervous that the pill is not working. I've also been getting a lot of a little bit thicker cream-like colored ---kind of like paste...and I just wanted to know if that was normal too....

thanks for all of your help. I think now it's just exploring the sexual activities that i'm okay with and hopefully the time when i'm okay with other things will come at some point..

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Robin Lee
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Hi There,

It's typical for one's discharge to change when one is on the pill. Clear discharge is fine, as is pasty discharge. One of the things the pill does for a lot of peple is make their cervical mucus thicker, which will lead to the kind of pasty discharge you've been noticing.

For your question about why sticky pre-ejaculate on fingers isn't considered a risk, I'm giving you a couple of articles to look at that will explain the function of sperm, semen, and all that jazz.

Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

and...some good information in here...

The Simple And Underrated Art Of Washing Your Hands

--------------------
Robin

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beaver987
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So it's just basically that they can't transport well?
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Onionpie
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Yep, that's basically it! Sperm are pretty fragile and thus if they are transferred from surface to surface at all, they're compromised in terms of their ability to create a pregnancy [Smile]
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beaver987
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So there's really nothing in the past that I should be worried about. Thanks a bunch!
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Onionpie
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No problem!
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beaver987
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One more question:
So this is my second month on the Junel combination pill.

Last month the latest I took my pill was one day at 7 hours late, never got my withdrawal bleed, but then took a negative pregnancy test on the next Tuesday (I started taking my active pills again on that sunday night). Would that 7 hour late period affect me for my new cycle this month? Or after the white pills, do I start out fresh?

Also, last month was my first month on that specific pill because my boobs hurt really bad throughout the month taking Apri. Last month they didn't hurt at all and now this month they are really starting to hurt again. As you guys said I didn't have any real "risks", but my sore boobs are making me nervous considering they were fine the first month on the same pill.

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Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

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