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Author Topic: My Secret Boyfriend...
SabrinaLex
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Member # 96725

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Hi guys. I have an issue that has been comming up as a mental dilemma inside of my head for a little bit. I have a boyfriend, who I could really say I'm in love with and I trust him with every peice of my heart. The only problem in our relationship is the about-30-mile distance between us. We love eachother and we have no doubt our affection is real; therefore, we are doing our best to make us work. The distance is not my issue.
My problem is my Dad. He's against my dating boys and forbids me to do so. He is overprotective of his "little girl". He doesn't try to understand how I feel about any of this and shuts down the conversation any time it comes up and walks away. As you may have guessed, my Dad knows nothing about my relationship. The guilt is eating me alive, since you could consider me a "goody two shoes". I'm afraid that my Dad will find out somehow and will make me break up with my boyfriend. I have two (2) options:
1) let my dad find out himself
2) tell him myself
If you suggest I take option two, I just have no idea how to go about it since my dad and I butt heads with this topic. Any suggestions will be taken graciously. Please help keep me and my boyfriend together. I love him so much, I just flat-out dont know what I'd do without him <3

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~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I would suggest options two.

Think about it this way:

Option one: your dad finds out you're pursuing a relationship AND being dishonest about it with him, or
Option two: your dad finds out you're pursuing a relationship.

The first option involves a breach of trust that's not only going to create more conflict in both relationships, it also enables some of what your Dad is probably thinking about you not being ready for dating. Plus, it starts everything on the wrongest foot possible.

the second probably involves some conflict, but without a big breach of trust, and with you being able to talk about this on your terms.

I'd say the biggest key to you handling this well is doing what you can not to come to this with desperation, for example, the I-can't-live-without-him thing. Because of course you can: you did before. The issue isn't that you can't get on without him, it's that right now, you don't want to, and you would like to pursue this relationship. If you can't, it'll hurt, but you'll be okay. And a parent seeing that kind of groundedness around something like this is going to make them feel much more open to being confident. Expressing emotio0nal desperation is actually an earnest cause for concern on their part, since that's not healthy. Get where I'm going with this?

So, in terms of getting more specific than that, maybe give us a bigger picture here? How old are you? What's the history with this relationship? What's your overall relationship with your dad like? Any other family members?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SabrinaLex
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I'll be 14 in october. I know the age doesnt seem appropritate, however i do view myself as a mature individual. I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a month and he means so much to me He's been there for me when I needed him and all the other things a great boyfriend shuld do. He is the same age as me, and I'm his first girlfriend.
I'm very close with my Dad because my mom died two years ago. He has a girlfriend-- but her and I dont have the best relationship. Shes just rlly mean to my brother and I. Another reason I havent wanted to tell my dad is because i'm afraid she'll aomehow use this against me, because she did tht wen she knew I had a crush.
My other family members beside my stepbrother (not very close), my brother (knows i have a boyfriend), my stepmom, and my dad arent for dating at a young age either... My situation is rlly hard. If you need anymore help, just ask.

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~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
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I wouldn't make those kinds of assumptions about your age: plenty of people your same age start exploring romantic relationships about now. And we all start learning about all kinds of love throughout our lives earlier than that.

Have you and your boyfriend met in person before this, or are we talking about a relationship that's been all online so far?

I certainly understand how the dynamics with your father's girlfriend can be complicating things for you with this.

I wonder if it might help to first think about what you want to be asking your dad for here. For instance, if you're asking for permission to date, what would that involve for you? And what concessions he might want might you be willing to entertain? For instance, how about meeting this guy together, and him spending some supervised time with you and your family first? Thinking about what you might have to offer your dad to meet him halfway could be a smart thing to do, so that you're not walking into this being inflexible. the more flexible with some of this you can be, the more flexible he might be willing to be.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sorry for asking some questions I didn't see you'd already brought up in this post here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/28/t/007178/p/1.html#00001

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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Hey SabrinaLex,

We don't judge people based on age around here. I know that you've gotten the message that dating young isn't appropriate, but you won't get that from us. We're more concerned that a relationship is healthy and right for someone wherever they are in life. While life experience can help, one's age isn't the only factor in whether a relationship is good for someone. [Smile]

What do you think about what Heather said about it being ultimately more healthy for the relationship you have with your Dad if you tell him about your boyfriend?

Since you're so close with your Dad, that's one thing you can use when you talk to him, to tell him how important it is to you to share what's going on in your life, that you know how he feels about young people dating but that you want him to know that you have someone in your life who means a lot to you and has really helped and supported you.

How old is your brother? Could he be any hep or support to you with this?

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Robin

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SabrinaLex
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See, i recently moved in with my dads gf (a completely different town). My bf lives in the town i used to live in. I see him whenever i stay at my best friends house. Him and my best friend are also close. Her parents know his parents very well. In fact, i met my boyfriend through my best friend. I went to his birthday party durin my stay at my best friends. We talk everyday on the phone, text and calls.
Otherwise, i don't see him, but we want to try to make it work.

I've had a very similar conversation with my dad about my ex, who was willing to meet my dad-- as is my boyfriend-- but my dad told me "he doesnt have to meet anyone, we've had this conversation, and that is it." then he walked away. I try to be as flexible as possible but he doesnt ever want to listen to my point of view, litterally, he cuts me off, and tells me the same thing and walks away. Its unfair :'(

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
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Let me see if I can pull this back a little bit more.

What -- exactly -- is your dad saying no TO? In other words, obviously, you're allowed to have friends. So, obviously you can be friends with this guy. What would your Dad say you could NOT to with this guy?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SabrinaLex
Neophyte
Member # 96725

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And thanks so much for ur support with my age, it means alot that someone cares. And, yes i completely understand what she means. I just am not sure thy'll rlly work the way u would think it would. My dad isnt a normaly over protective dad, as you'll see in my previous post.

My brother is only 11 and my dad wont listen to him, since my bro inherited ADHD/aspbergers from my dad.

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~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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SabrinaLex
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He doesnt want me DATING whatsoever. Hes also awkward with my guy friends.

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
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Okay, but how is dating defined here? What does he mean by that?

I'm not trying to be a pain in your butt, I'm trying to help you get at what you're wanting him to okay, pretty specifically. because if we all get stuck in things that are really vague, or terms we haven't even really defined, it's very easy to keep hitting a brick wall. We can't really negotiate in giant chunks like that, only in smaller pieces at a time.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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As one of those smaller chunks: How does your Dad feel about you having friends who are guys? Or, put a different way, do you have friends who are guys?

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Robin

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SabrinaLex
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Heather--
I'm not sure what his definition of dating is. For me,, even if I could just spend time with him--even wit supervision-- I'd be happy. I'm VERY flexible.

Robin--
Yes, I could probably say more than girls. For me at least, they can be better friends than girls. When we were talkin about a birthday party, he gave me a weird look when I mentioned some of my guy friends on my guest list. He doesnt really let me hang out with them or even text them without him interrogeting me.

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
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So, sounds like you have something pretty big you need to find out! In other words, it seems like you two are past due for a talk about what he even means by dating.

How about starting with that talk?

Maybe, too, you could have a talk about guys, period, and why he acts the way he does when it comes to your guy friends?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SabrinaLex
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Will do. If it helps, I think I may know what he's worried about if I do "date". Will tht help at all??

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If you feel like it'd help to write that out or want to talk about some things around it with us, happy to have a read.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SabrinaLex
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Well, ok.

He thinks all boys are the same-- only looking for one thing
I understan alot are like that, but not EVERYONES LIKE THT...

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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Heather
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Agreed. And unfortunately, often older men project how they or friends were growing up unto guys when they have daughters. It's understandable in some ways, but for sure, it's also a generalization, and one that isn't sound applied to everyone or even most people, of any gender.

(To boot, it often tends to ignore the fact that it's not just guys who have sexual feelings or desires.)

At the same time, you *are* allowed to have male friends, yes?

Too, perhaps when you talk about this, you could talk about what YOU are looking for yourself, and what lines you know you can draw and will draw when it comes to sex, presuming that's the "one thing" you're referring to.

In doing that, one thing I would be careful around is making false claims. In other words, sounds like you did just have an issue where you wound up doing something you weren't ready for with this guy. So, moving forward -- just in your own mind -- what are you going to do differently to avoid that again? What talks have you had with this boyfriend about not winding up in that spot again soon?

Sometimes when we have someone generalize with us in a big way one way, we can react by going to the complete other direction. In other words, no, all guys (or girls) aren't just interested in sex when they want to have a relationship. But at the same time, you know you both have had sexual feelings and interests, and that is part of the picture here to some degree, so when you're sorting all of this out for yourself, especially in preparing to have talks about it with a parent, you're going to want to make sure you're being real about what both of you do want in that department, but also about what's really right for you both right now, including when it comes to working all of this out with your Dad. From the scare you just had -- and the information it sounds like you don't have yet to even manage this stuff well -- for instance, it sounds like taking most sexual contact off the table for a while would be smart, and doing that for a while might also make it a lot easier for your Dad to consider being more flexible about you starting to date in some ways.

Get what I mean?

[ 08-28-2012, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SabrinaLex
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Totally. Will do. I'm just afraid that my dad wont have the same view....

--------------------
~everybody has a Dark Side~<3

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