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Author Topic: Sex. Sex. Sex...
soccer06
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Member # 92108

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Hi Scarleteen,

I said I would like to tald (in earlier posts) when I was ready to have sex.

I will be using condoms, withdrawal, and I am on the birth control combination pill. I've looked up multiple videos to learn how to use a condom and put one on. We have also practiced putting them on with oral sex (flavored). I'm just wondering how I would know if I'm putting them on wrong?

I'm pretty sure I've read almost all of your sex articles trying to educate myself as much as I possibly can. My boyfriend and I are very close (have been best friends for years...) and I can talk to him about anything.

We've talked A LOT about sex and how we would go about being safe and making sure not to go any further than the other would like.

The only thing I would really like to do before I have sex is make sure that he's really educated as well. He acts like he knows what he's doing, but it made me nervous when he corrected me by saying "2 condoms doesn't make it more of a risk, it just doesn't reduce it." I know for a fact that it causes more friction and can make the condom break. I'm just nervous he thinks he's right on other things that maybe he hasn't really looked into. Is there any way that I can make sure he knows the facts without hurting him directly? I don't want to seem like a know-it-all or be mean that he doesn't know it.

Also, if there is any last minute information, that would be really helpful.

1 Question: I also have struggled with the anxiety of being pregnant before. I have been fingered and given oral and thought semen may have entered my vagina somehow. I am (for the most part) over it completely. I would like to talk to somebody about my anxiety though before I have actual sex. Could my boyfriend and I go to Planned Parenthood and talk to somebody there (for free) about safe sex and maybe talk to them about my anxiety as well?


Sorry about many random questions.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi soccer06,

It sounds like you're giving this a lot of thought.

How do you think your boyfriend would react if you suggested that the two of you read some articles together as part of preparing to engage in this new sexual activity with each other? If you think he'd be good with that, that could be a way for you to make sure that you're both on the same page with the information you have. Remember too, that even if he thinks different things, you get to say what happens with your body, so if he wants to do something that you know isn't right, or that isn't in your comfort level, you can just veto that.

YOu know, each Planned Parenthood clinic is different in terms of the services they provide. Most, if not all, clinics do charge for most of their services. I'd suggest calling your local clinic to see if you and your boyfriend could go for an informational session, if that is something you think would be helpful for you.

Just a thought for you: it's definitely good to be prepared and to know what you want and don't want. Sometimes, though, overthinking things can also lead to anxiety.

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Robin

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soccer06
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I'll definitely try that with them. I seem to overthink things a lot (not just on this subject, but with everything). Are there any ways that I can decrease overthinking of things? I get really overboard sometimes with things, not becasue I'm not ready for it, but it's really just how I am..
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, so far in your life, what skills and personal tools have you developed to get yourself out of your head some?

For example, do you find that something like a mantra - a short phrase you say to yourself as a habit -- help? What about deep breathing? How about using your head to remind yourself of the moment you're actually in and being present in it instead of not really being fully present because you're analyzing it?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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I'm not quite sure what you mean.

I guess i've never really figured out a way to deal with overthinking of everything. I usually worry until it's over with...I'd just like some ways to help stop it.

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Heather
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Okay, so you're short those skills and tools. [Smile]

You know, the bare basics of meditating -- which you can find out about at even the most mainstream websites anymore -- is doing just this: it's just learning to take a few minutes to still your mind, empty it out some, and stop not just overthinking, but really, thinking at all.

Why don't you look that up and start trying some of those basic steps, which is really just sitting down, breathing and paying attention to your breathing (instead of the way-more complex stuff in your head), and relaxing yourself. Even if you can only do it for a few minutes a day for a while, you can start to learn how to so that.

It might also help to remember that we simply cannot control everything. In other words, even if we thought about every aspect of everything ever, things would still be out of our control to some degree. A lot of the time, people's anxiety like this comes from a desire to control and fear of a lack of it, so trying to learn to accept the limits of what we can control can be a healthy step.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Wow. That last paragraph has been a huge problem for me before. I'm somebody who likes to know what's happening and control situations i'm involved in. This is probably huge with types of sex, especially vaginal, becasue i like to control and make sure that pregnancy would not happen 100%, which is something I can't do when birth control isn't 100% effective.

Is meditating something I can do when i'm thinking about sex related subjects and anxiety with those?

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Karybu
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You can use meditation in any situation where you're having worries or anxiety, and it would probably be a very useful thing for you.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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soccer06
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And that will help me with anxiety about pregnancy or school related things? Won't it only clear my mind for a little bit and i'll start thinking about it afterward again?
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Robin Lee
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Sometimes meditation can help even things out in general; in other words, it's exercise for the brain and like exercise for the body can, for some people, have results that don't just happen during the exercise but afterwards as well.

If it's something that you're interested in, why not give it a try?

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Robin

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