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Author Topic: scared
Robin Lee
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HI Diamond Dust,

You've had some horrible experiences with guys sexually abusing and assaulting you. Plus, the way guys are often portrayed in popular media like movies, books, etc, is as only wanting sex. What I can assure you of is that not every guy is like that. Similarly, many guys are interested in a lot more than looks, and the looks they do like vary from guy to guy. So, in other words, pretty means different things to different guys.

I'm not sure how old you are, or what your life experience has been, but I'm getting the sense that you've known the same people for a long time, and are feeling a little stuck by that, feeling like the peole you know all have this opinion of you, and that none of them would be interested in you. What I can tell you is that as you go through life you'll meet a variety of people, some of whom you'll be attracted to, some of whom will be attracted to you...and, sometimes, those attractions will go together.

The fact that you were raped won't make it impossible for you to have a boyfriend. It's also okay if you don't feel like you're up for having a boyfriend right now, and that doesn't mean you won't be up for it in the future.

ATtraction is a funny thing; it can happen when we least expect it.

There's nothing wrong with you that would make a guy think you weren't girlfriend material; and...not all guys treat girls like crap!

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Robin

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foreverbroken
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I am 19 and how do i tell if someone is making passes at me or just being mean. I want a biyfriend and at times i feel pretty but i do know that i am pretty on the inside. I care more about others then i care about myself. I give my all to others and i get nothing in return usually. I feel bad i know nothing about sex or even not ever having a boyfriend. Am i a freak for not having a boyfriend? How do i know if a guy likes me or not? I know nothing in that lines. Please help.

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Im always abandond

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Robin Lee
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You are absolutely not a freak for not having a boyfriend. I'm not sure if it helps, but I didn't have one until I was twenty-one.

There might be people out there who disagree with me, but I think the most important thing about having any romantic partner is that that person is also a friend. So, how can you tell if someone is sincere? When they want to get to know you for you. And you're also allowed to make your own rules. One of them could be for you that you want to get to know someone first in a way that feels safe for you before you consider going on a capital-D Date.

And if someone shows interest in you and you're not sure whether that interest feels okay or not, you're allowed to say "no thanks, not interested".

You may also have a time when you feel an interest in someone. I'm not sure how to describe what it feels like, but sometimes it's as simple as feeling like you want to get to know someone better.

Having a boyfriend is something you do because you want to, not because it's what people expect or because you're a certain age. If I had to guess, I'd say you're really hurting and confused right now and you're worried about not being normal.

If that's the case, let me assure you that you absolutely are okay, and it's also okay to take this time to take care of yourself. The boyfriend thing will take care of itself in time, and again, there's not anything wrong with you for not having one.

Let me ask you a question: Do you want a boyfriend right now?

P.S. I may be getting off the computer in a little bit, but there will be other volunteers around.

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Robin

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foreverbroken
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honestly i kinda want a boy friend i feel if i have one who is caring and understanding it will help me out of this funk. And be able to see that there are decent guys out there. I had one guy who we went on two dates and we were watching a movie in my dorm room and after the last movie we kissed and i guess i was doing it wrong idk tho and after a while he showed me how to kiss and he said i was a good snuggler and then we were going to get together again a couple days later and he has not talked to me since so that hurt me. Yes i am hurting and confused all in one. Does it make since how i think having one will help me? And so i mean i honestly dont know anymore what to think or feel. I feel almost abandond in a way. :/

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Im always abandond

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Karybu
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I'm so sorry you're feeling abandoned, diamonddust. It's tough when it seems that we're getting along with people and they don't seem to see things the same way.

I can totally understand why you'd want a boyfriend right now - wanting someone to comfort us and support us when we're having a hard time is a pretty universal human thing to want. But a boyfriend isn't the only person who would be able to give you that support: a counsellor can be that support, good friends can if you feel comfortable sharing what you're going through with them. There are all sorts of places to find support, and while a boyfriend can be one source, most people need more than one. So while yes, having a partner who is caring and understanding can be incredibly helpful, it's not a solution to everything.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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foreverbroken
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ya i know but i dont really have much for friends either so that makes it hard for me as well. I do have a few friends all tho they are all in different states then I am. So that makes it harder to. I dont really know what i want anymore or where i belong.

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Im always abandond

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foreverbroken
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i feel like i am an odd ball out since i have never had a relationship in my life. I see all these girls and guys having a partner and i am all alone. I get lonely i guess i just want someone who can hold me ant tell me everything will be alright and tell me that i am beautiful one who will make me smile. I dont want to deal with a break up or immature guys who will lead to that. I dont want to be going from guy to guy that just doesnt look right to me. I know i am asking for to much in a guy so thats probaly why I have not been able to have a boyfriend or maybe its my insercurities. Who knows.

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Im always abandond

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Saffron Raymie
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You know, before I had my first boyfriend, I used to think all the people with partners must be very happy; someone holding them, calling them beautiful and making them smile.

However, I then realised that not all relationships are like that at all. Some are difficult, some are unhealthy, some are even abusive. My first partner was abusive, and all I could think was "Is this what I've been dreaming of for so long?" So, sometimes even when we see lots of people with partners, it definately doesn't mean all those people are automatically happy. Some would likely be much happier and healthier without that partner. Does that make sense?

I definately don't think you're "asking too much", not at all. I think it's very sensible to have what you want in a partner in mind. That way, you're more likely to avoid unhealthy or abusive relationships, too, because you know how you'd like to be treated - with care, affection and respect. What do you think?

However, it sounds like you aren't ready for a partner yet, because you say you aren't prepared to deal with a break up. That's perfectly fine, but it's very likely that any sexual relationship you do have will involve a break up. It's very rare for any relationships to last a lifetime, and when we're younger, it's most common for them to last a few months at most - sometimes even a few weeks.

I agree that 'going from guy to guy' isn't the best approach, as after a break up, we usually need time to heal and process our feelings, and work on feeling better again. It's often a long process, healing, as you know from the trauma you've experienced. So, again, if that isn't something that sounds like something you'd be comfortable doing, it might not be the right time to get involved with someone else sexually right now. It also sounds like you have an awful lot of your plate at the moment, without adding the alertness and caution that's needed to keep yourself safe and only in healthy relationships.

And trust me, you're certainly no oddball. Many people don't have these kind of relationships until their early twenties, sometimes later. I know it can definately feel like we're really old at 19 and we're never had a partner, and then we can wind up feeling like we've failed in some way; like nobody will ever want us. However, it's a very common way to feel; like we need to have a least ONE partner to proove to ourselves that people will find us attractive. But trust me, DiamondDust; of course people will be sexually attarcted to you and people will love you. Human sexuality is one of the most diverse things on the planet - which means all kinds of people will be attracted to all kinds of other people. There will be many who will feel that way about you. Maybe there are already many who do or have done in the past that you never knew about. Sure, many of those people you won't feel attracted to, but many you will. [Smile]

However, it's important to consider if you're in the right place emotionally for a relationship right now. They take a lot of caution, as I said; and a lot of talking about what you want and what you don't want in a relationship with your partner - as well as making sure the relationship is a safe, comfortable, enjoyable one. That's not something that happens automatically, I'm afraid - it's something we have to seek out, reject anything less, (sometimes by breaking up with that person ourselves) and staying alert at all times to any warning signs of abusive or unhealthy beahviour from that partner. So, that would be an awful lot on top of everything you're already going through. Does that make sense?

As for friends, would you like to make some new ones? Do you have any interests or hobbies?

[ 08-08-2012, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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yes i would like to meet some friends. I am not ready to be sexually involved with anyone right now. Kissing and holding hands and cuddling is perfectly fine. I really want to wait tell i know if he is the one before i give myself to him and many guys can not wait that long. I love helpingkids helping others putting them first. I like to paint watch movies and sit outside when its nice. I also like to cook and swim. I feel like i am on the line of wanting a boyfriend and not wanting one. I mean a break up is ok if i am not to attached or something in that lines. Idk i guess i am over thinking and wanting to much right now.

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Im always abandond

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Saffron Raymie
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The best thing way to find out what a person wants from a relationship is to talk about it with them.

Say you meet a guy you like, you say something like "I really don't want a sexual relationship at all beyond kissing and cuddling, and that's very unlikely to change. Would that be something you'd be interested in?" That's called setting a boundary, and it's always perfectly fine to do. Do you think that's something you could say to someone you're interested in?

And really, nobody can talk about "all guys". Some women are only interested in sexual relationships, some guys are. However, some guys are interested in non-sexual relationships, and so are some women. I mean, lots of people - of all genders - have friends that they hug and hold hands with, don't they? [Smile]

As for waiting a while before you and a partner had sex, that's called pacing, and we have an article all about it here: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down when you're Moving Too Fast. Heather wrote that because different people have different preferences for how long they want to wait before having sex. Can you see how Heather hasn't split the article into "Guy's Pace" and "Girl's Pace"? That's because everyone is different, and is comfortable with different things, whatever their gender.

It's okay to want to go very, very slowly and only engage in sex when you both feel 100% comfortable (or even to have a relationship with no sex, just snuggles, or a friendship) This really, really isn't about gender at all - many, many guys like to go very slowly in relationships, and would prefer things to go much slower and get to know you first. In fact, it's very common for people of all genders just to want snuggles, long talks and hand-holding at first. It really is.

However, many guys also feel that sex is expected of them, and therefore feel very nervous about it - so it's always okay to tell a new person you're thinking about a relationship with that you really don't expect sex from them, or want it at all. Does that make sense, DiamondDust?

And really, I wouldn't go into a relationship thinking that anyone is "the one" - as it's much more likely the relationship will end at some point. Even friendships come to an end, especially when we're young and still finding out who we are, and creating ourselves.

Those sound like awesome hobbies per making new buddies! Do you go to school or college or anything? Is there anyone there that seems like an interesting friend? What about joining an art club or talking to people at your local swimming place? Does any volunteer work interest you? That can be a great way to meet new people and make more friends.

I don't think you're over-thinking or wanting too much; I think it's pretty darn sensible to think about what we want in life. [Smile]

[ 08-08-2012, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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foreverbroken
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i honestly dont know what to do anymore I am hurt scared alone. I want someone to talk to. I have nothing and no one. I want to run away and crawl in a hole and never return. I feel like I am not wanted and cared about. I am stuck i feel abandond. Ya i know relationships will end and new ones will come and i know thats normal but I dont know what to do at this point i feel like id be better off if some how i could make myself invisable and then no one would have to deal with me. :'(
[Frown]

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Im always abandond

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Saffron Raymie
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We care about you here DiamondDust. Have you told your counsellor that you feel like this?

Here's a hug is you want one. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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foreverbroken
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i dont have one I only have an advicate and some what i have not to the exent on how i really feel. Its hard for me to explain how i really feel. Thanks for the hug and i just want someone i can talk to i dont know who i can talk to or where to turn. I cant trust my parents i cant talk to them at all.

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Im always abandond

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Saffron Raymie
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Would you like me to have a look to see if there's any counselling available in your area? Would you like someone specifically trained in helping people process the trauma from experiencing a rape?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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(Sorry DiamondDust, I have to head off for the night now - I didn't realise the time! But I'll be back in the morning to check in with you and find you some in person help if you'd like).

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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foreverbroken
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i cant afford seeing someone so its ok. I will just continue coming on here if thats ok and talking to my advicate. Tomorrow is my apt. I am a little nervous.

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Hey, diamondust: you know, Minnesota has some great no-cost or low-cost services you could potentially use. It's a really good state for that.

If you don't mind sharing your zip code, we'd be happy to see what we could find for you to look into.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Karybu
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There are low-cost or free counselling services available in a lot of places, so counselling doesn't necessarily need to cost a lot of money. If you're a student, for example, most colleges and universities offer free counselling for students.

If you'd like, I'm more than happy to have a look around and see what might be available in your area. What part of Minnesota are you in? (You can either post it here or email me at karyn@scarleteen.com)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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foreverbroken
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i have already looked in to that before nothing near me but 56601 i guess you can look something up. [Frown]

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Im always abandond

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foreverbroken
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my school does not affer free counseling. Is it not ok that i come on here anymore? or what?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Being outside the cities or Duluth certainly makes the list smaller, but again, MN as a state is pretty awesome with victim services.

Have you tried calling any of the resources -- a big list, in all areas of the state -- in this list before?

http://www.aardvarc.org/rape/states/minnrp.shtml

(Edited because without the link, you can't look at the list. Whoops.)

[ 08-08-2012, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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yes I have a few hotlines i am able to call. Is it not ok that i come on here anymore? or what...

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Fargo also has a very good sexual assault victims services center, too, if that's closer than anything on that big list: https://www.raccfm.com/

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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thats way to far away. AM i not allowed to come on here anymore is that what your saying or what?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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No, not at all.

What we're trying to do is connect you with a net of help, including some kinds we can't provide ourselves or provide as well because we can't see you in an in-person setting.

Alas, we wish we could do everything for everyone (well, kind of: we wish that all of what people needed was something we could provide if they felt best about getting it from us), but like any service, person or group of people, we have limitations. Ideally, though, those shouldn't limit you, and if you can extend the kind of support you're getting to services besides just ours, they don't have to. Make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also, you keep saying you want someone to talk to, even when someone here is talking with you, so we only assumed you meant someone besides us.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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Yes i have rainn, cris chat, life talk and sa hotlines and here. I want clearification so i am alwoed to still be on here?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Of course.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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